Dwyane Wade fouled Kobe Bryant hard during the third quarter of Sunday’s NBA All-Star Game. It doesn’t look like much, but it drew blood. Kobe played the rest of the game, including that awesome part at the end where he yelled SHOOT THE F**KING BALL at LeBron and caused King James to have an acid flashback to last year’s Finals.

Turns out things were worse than a weirdly-aggressive foul and some blood. From the LA Times, who win the Michael Scott memorial “Immediately Explain Your Own Reference” award for their headline “It’s West by a nose as Kobe Bryant breaks nose”:

Bryant skipped a postgame media session after his 27-point performance, and was taken for further evaluation after he said he was “experiencing headaches.” The Lakers announced later that Bryant had suffered a nasal fracture and would be reevaluated Monday after he returned to Los Angeles by an ear, nose and throat specialist.

If all that wasn’t bad enough, Yahoo Sports is reporting that the injury is even worse.

In addition to a broken nose, Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant suffered a mild concussion in Sunday night’s NBA All-Star game, a league source told Yahoo! Sports.

We should just keep making Kobe’s injuries worse and worse throughout the year, so that if the Lakers run into the Heat in the Finals the story can be, “Kobe Bryant is getting revenge against Dwyane Wade for shattering his face, driving the bridge of his nose backwards into his brain and causing him to go into a coma and lose control of his limbs and suffer several months of debilitating rehab, and he never thought he would ever walk again but he’s here TONIGHT on the BIGGEST STAGE” or whatever.

Secondary suggestion: Kobe adopts a Phantom of the Opera style mask and Wade spends the rest of the season trying to duck him.

I was hoping that by this point in the week I’d have some fun little anecdotes to share about how Orlando is shaping up for All-Star Weekend, but short of about 60 more homeless people than usual and some banners, I haven’t noticed much yet. In fact, I’m mega bummed, you guys. My buddy got me on the guest list for Diddy’s All-Star party this weekend and I was super pumped to go and take really awkward pictures next to all of the celebrities in attendance (“Hey is that Joey Fatone with Skeet Ulrich???”) but word on Church Street is that the party was cancelled thanks to some screw up by a promoter. Bummers, y’all.

But I’m still gonna do my best to put together a fun recap for next Monday, because I’m perpetually bound to run into ridiculous stuff on a weekend like this. I may still attend the Rising Stars Challenge and Dunk Contest, but the real fun is going to be at the bars, so I will stick to what I do best. My prediction? I end up bare-knuckle boxing Aaron Carter behind a Steak-N-Shake dumpster. Fingers crossed!

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"I can't hear you, little boy LA LA LA LA LA LA!"

This year’s NBA All-Star Slam Dunk Contest has very few people excited. With a lineup of Derrick Williams, Paul George, Chase Budinger and Iman Shumpert, who will provide the most excitement based solely on his lob partner and New York Knicks teammate, Jeremy Lin, this contest will rely heavily on creativity and very little on star power.

*dead cat crashes through window with a note attached*

According to our With Leather day-old news service, Shumpert has backed out of the dunk contest and will be replaced by Utah Jazz forward Jeremy Evans, which means that our Linebriation will only come from the Rising Stars challenge on Friday. So that leaves many people asking the NBA and its bevvy of stars: What the F, dudes?

Where the hell is the glory and ego of yesteryear, when the stars would line up to throw down a few dandy dunkaroos while their crews hopped around like morons? I mean, Dwight Howard should have been contractually obligated to win his title back from Blake Griffin this year, but neither of them want to get their hands dirty.

Thankfully, there’s a voice of reason out there that points the finger at one of the NBA’s biggest dunk contest no-shows of the last 8 years: LeBron James. And that voice of reason is a young kid who puts every NBA superstar diva in his place.

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Chances are if you even squinted at a Twitter feed yesterday, you saw a million or so people bitching about this year’s NBA All-Star Game slam dunk contest lineup, and they were all justified in doing so. Not only will the contest not feature the defending champion, Blake Griffin, but last year’s actual champion runner-up, JaVale McGee is also sitting this one out. Not because he didn’t want to, mind you, but because he wasn’t invited.

So who got the call? Chase Budinger, Paul George, Iman Shumpert and Derrick Williams, or as I like to call them: Who, What, Why and How? No real disrespect intended to those guys, but as the Washington Post pointed out after the league’s announcement yesterday, they’ve combined for 55 dunks on the season. Griffin and McGee, the league’s Top 2 dunkers, have nearly 3 times that amount between the two of them. In fact, the four guys selected aren’t even among the Top 40 dunkers in the entire NBA.

To make matters even worse, the contest has now been cut down to just one round and there will no longer be celebrity judges. Instead, the fans are in charge of the voting responsibility, which is bad news for Budinger, George and Williams, because none of them have the luxury of being Jeremy Lin’s teammate like Shumpert, who will be fed lobs by the New York Knicks’ new star. It’s not even fair, but even worse – it’s not even fun.

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Let’s find out what the Lakers are looking foar to! (h/t to That NBA Lottery Pick)

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First Look: NBA All-Star 2012 Jerseys - People are complaining that these are too plain, but I like them. ASG jerseys shouldn’t look like Kobe Bryant’s Christmas shoes, they should be blue and red and say “east” and “west”. [Smoking Section]

The 15 Best Ads of the 2012 Super Bowl So Far - My favorite ad so far is the one that plays the entire Rancor scene from Return Of The Jedi and says EAT DORITOS at the end. [Warming Glow]

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The Best Football Fan Raps - Too bad the “fan” part disqualifies the Super Bowl Shuffle, that’s still the best half-assed football rap of all time. [Adult Swim]

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26 Meanest Quotes From Reviews Of Lana Del Rey’s New Album - I think she just exists so people can take pictures of her smoking cigarettes. [Buzzfeed]

People With Lana Del Rey Lips: 15 Celebrities Get Pouty Upgrades - You chose to be famous for being the world’s stupidest Nancy Sinatra and haing a monster’s face, Lizzy, this hate and backlash is all your fault. [UPROXX]

30 Funny, Catty, and Bitter Twitter Reactions To DC’s “Before Watchmen” Announcement - 28 of these are from me. My Hooded Justice costume didn’t make the cut, but I’m showing up in a cosplay post, so hey. [Gamma Squad]

Remember when Michael Shannon was in Groundhog Day? Hint: He loved Wrestlemania. - The character with whom I identify most in Groundhog Day. [Film Drunk]

11 Reasons Andie MacDowell Is The Most Underrated Romcom Lead Ever - Reason 12: that shampoo she uses makes her hair look voluminous! [Moviefone]

UPROXX ‘Archer’ Open Thread: ‘The Limited’ With Executive Producer Matt Thompson - Very cool stuff is happening at UPROXX. Go earn a badge that doesn’t say “poopies” on it. [UPROXX|

15 Celebrities Doing Cheesy Print Ads - I like that Tara Reid gets credited for a Josie And The Pussycats print ad but not Rachel Leigh Cook or Rosario Dawson. At least those two have worked in the last five years. [Unreality]

Last month, when the city of Memphis was rumored to be considering a lawsuit against the NBA for lost revenue from the lockout, I took a drag from my ivory tobacco pipe, lowered my bifocals and asked my butler, “Shouldn’t Orlando be the first city to go after the NBA because of that whole All-Star Game thing?” Sadly, he couldn’t respond, because he’s a monkey butler.

But the city of Orlando is indeed doing something about the reality that there won’t be an All-Star Game, something so diabolical and ruthless that the NBA will have no choice but to bow down and take its punishment… Orlando is preparing for the All-Star Game.

Today, regular planning meetings are taking place to prepare for the game, which is scheduled to be played on Feb. 26 at Amway Center, and for the events that surround the game.

Additional meetings will occur on Thursday.

These sessions typically address logistical issues such as parking, traffic and security. They also teach people who work for the NBA about the arena.

(Via the Orlando Sentinel)

Bold strategy, Orlando, and I’m glad my beloved hometown means business. After all, Orlando’s mayor, Buddy Dyer, recently called the NBA on how this lockout will affect smaller market cities that depend on their teams for business revenue. The All-Star Game would have brought a windfall in bar, restaurant and bail money for the City Beautiful, but now that money won’t be seen until at least 2014. That doesn’t sit well with Dyer.

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