Kevin Hart and a group of celebrities you’ve otherwise barely heard of will hit the court tonight at 7 PM ET on ESPN for the Sprint NBA All-Star Celebrity Game and I can pretty much sum it all up for you like this: everybody’s gonna run around, the former players will make some lay-ups, Kevin Hart will yell jokes, Nick Cannon will roll around in a pile of Mariah Carey’s money, Usain Bolt will run fast but suck at shooting and people will wonder who the hell Ryen Russillo is.

Also, every time someone mentions Sean Elliott, I will think it’s Sam Elliott and then I’ll be bummed that it’s not.

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I could have sworn that somebody on this here incredible UPROXX network had already written about the Dikembe Mutombo Geico commercial, or maybe it’s just that I’ve watched it so many times that it’s tattooed on my brain and I see his goofy grin every time I open my eyes. Whatever the case may be, between my ridiculous car insurance payments and commercials about human women wanting to have sex with pigs, it’s very rare that I would compliment a Geico ad. But damn it, that Dikembe Mutombo ad is fantastic.

But you know that already, because you’ve probably watched it a billion times, too. The reason that I bring this up so late in the ad world game is because the NBA All-Star Weekend starts tonight and I believe my excitement can be summed up by the following GIF…

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Let’s rock.

Each week, Sports On TV looks at the 20 (or so) greatest sports-related moments from television shows that aren’t always about sports. This week we tackle the low-brow 1987-97 FOX classic ‘Married… With Children’, and honestly, it’s the closest we’ve come to saying f**k it and just writing about sports shows. MWC featured more sports moments and guest appearances than almost any other sitcom, and even featured a sports moments clip-show in the middle of its 10th season. Instead of just finding that on YouTube and posting it here, we’ve put together our own list.

The entire run of ‘Married…’ is currently streaming on Netflix, so if you read about Al Bundy punching a heavyset lady in the stomach or beating a bunch of old people at track and field and want to check it out, you can do so there. If our top 20 didn’t feature your favorite moment, be sure to drop down into the comments section and let us know what we missed.

But for now, enjoy the 20 greatest sports moments from ‘Married… With Children’. Let’s get the greatest moment in television history out of the way first …

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Despite what a bunch of pompous crybabies like myself predicted during the NBA lockout, a little forced time off eventually did nothing to hurt the sanctity of the league and the statuses and images of its stars. That has been clearly evident from the strong ratings, and it has been aided by unexpected blessings like Jeremy Lin popping up in the league’s favorite market. And as Sunday’s All-Star Game has come and gone, TNT had a ratings bonanza and David Stern cackled atop his throne of angel skulls.

Now we can go back to wondering what’s going to happen to Dwight Howard and Deron Williams. Will they end up together in New Jersey/Brooklyn? Dallas? Orlando? Turkey? A Whole Foods in Connecticut? A lube-soaked spooning embrace? Yes to all is my prediction, because that’s the easy choice and we have more important matters confronting us, like making fun of Chris Brown.

Because that’s the most important thing we can do today.

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Apparently at some point, someone thought it was a good idea to take a million dollars worth of Graff diamonds and slap them on a set of Beats by Dre headphones. But it was for a worthy cause, you see, as the two guys from the horrendous gimmick party rock outfit LMFAO needed something to snazz up their douche academy uniforms costumes for the Super Bowl halftime performance. That’s right, they needed to wear $1 million headphones while performing basic dance moves and lip-syncing with a 53-year old woman.

But apparently they were the test market and the idea proved genius, because rapper Lil Wayne got himself a pair of the diamond-encrusted Beats by Dre headphones and wore them to the NBA All-Star Game on Sunday night. I don’t blame him, because I wouldn’t want to hear Chris Brown and Pitbull perform either.

So why put $1 million worth of diamonds on a pair of headphones? There’s a pretty simple solution.

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I hoped to have a wildly hilarious recap of the NBA’s All-Star Weekend here in Orlando, and between the celebrities, players, posses, groupies and terrified townies, I figured we were in for something spectacular. Well, I was wrong. The whole thing was pretty boring, actually.

The game was about as underwhelming and predictable as most All-Star games are, and hoo boy was the Slam Dunk Contest a turd or what? I mean, shouldn’t the NBA make it mandatory for the reigning dunk contest champion and at least the hometown star to compete each year? There’s really no reason that Blake Griffin and Dwight Howard shouldn’t have given us the ultimate dunk off. And of course LeBron James proved in the All-Star game itself that he should compete in the dunk competition, but that’s a different post in itself.

The parties were tame (Dwight’s airport hangar party was a real dud according to friends) and the most star watching I got to do was trying to figure out who was behind the wheel of a silver Mercedes Maybach that almost splattered me Friday night. In all, I’d say the most entertaining thing that I saw this weekend was a video of a machete fight on Friday night.

Seriously. A machete. That’s how my city rolls.

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