Like millions of Americans, there was a time when I thought that competitive eating was awesome. I’ve also loved poker, Hooters swimsuit pageants, World’s Strongest Man competitions, American Gladiators, MySpace, and The Office. The problem is that when something gains a great deal of popularity in a relatively short time, the people behind a pop cultural phenomenon never know when to say, “Stop.”

I don’t see the charm, anymore, in watching Joey Chestnut practically suffocate while devouring 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes. And no, it’s not because I think we should be more concerned with all those starving people in Africa our own country. Obviously, we should, but the Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest doesn’t exactly make me lose the most sleep. And no, it’s not because a bunch of protesters showed up to Coney Island and apparently want us to eat kittens. I couldn’t anyway, I’m allergic. I’d just like it if for every eating contest we hosted, we also held two math contests or two engineering fairs.

But instead of rambling on about how embarrassing it is that competitive eating has become synonymous with America’s Independence Day – even our baseball teams welcome it now – I’ll at least enjoy the fact that approximately 5,000 miles away, an eating contest brought happiness to our armed forces and their families at the U.S. Army Garrison in Baumholder, Germany. I just wish their contest could have been at Coney Island, too.

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You know you’re in dangerous territory when the mascot starts facepalming.

Another Independence Day has come and gone, and with it must come and go our contractually obligated coverage of the Nathans Hot Dog Eating Contest. Joey Chestnut took home his sixth consecutive championship and $10,000 for an effort that saw him eat nearly seven hot dogs per minute for ten minutes. It’s the kind of performance that makes you swell with pride or vomit, or possibly both.

The 28-year-old San Jose, California, man nicknamed “Jaws” scarfed down 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes in the sweltering summer heat to take home $10,000 and the mustard yellow belt. He bested his main rival by 16 dogs.

“I feel good, it was a great win,” Chestnut said after the contest, adding he wished he could have eaten a record number of hot dogs for the audience. “I tried my best. I’m looking forward to next year already.” (via Associated Press)

Full video of the contest is below, if you had to go to a wedding or your DVR went on the fritz or something and you couldn’t watch it. Also included is the facepalm-worthy clip of New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg rattling off every single hot dog pun known to man, causing even an anthropomorphic hot dog to be embarrassed for him. Choice quote: “Who wrote this shit?”

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On Tuesday, Sonya “Black Widow” Thomas won the Wild Turkey 81 Eating World Championship with a world record 5.25 pounds of turkey downed in ten minutes. The next day — the very same day most blogs with nothing better to write about were getting ready for Thanksgiving and reporting the world record — barred and disgraced “bad boy of competitive eating” Takeru Kobayashi was posting live, streaming video of himself destroying Sonya’s world record by more than two pounds.

Two problems.

First, if you haven’t been keeping up with Takeru Kobayashi, here’s the SparkNotes version … Kobayashi is sort-of the Hulk Hogan of competitive eating, both in that he spent years on top as the only marketable star of his profession and that his name is well known outside of the sport, at least to folks who don’t know about esoteric benchwarmers like “Crazy Legs” Conti.

Kobayashi won six consecutive victories in the Nathan’s Fourth of July Hot Dog Eating Competition, but Major League Eating began insisting he sign an exclusive contract (I’m not making any of this up) that would bar him from competing in non-sanctioned events and sever Takeru from his precious hot dog intake. In 2010, while wearing a black t-shirt with “Free Kobi” across the front, Kobayashi stormed the Nathan’s stage to demand his “freedom” from the dispute. He was handcuffed, arrested and taken to jail. They took him off their “wall of fame” and everything.

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Yesterday, my Uproxxian colleague, DangerGuerrero, brought us the results of the annual Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Championship, but today the news is about controversy. As you can see in the video below, American hero Joey Chestnut won the official competition by housing 62 dogs in 10 minutes. Alas, as is always the story with Major League Eating, there is a great deal of controversy. Former champion and current MLE outcast Takeru Kobayashi was unable to compete head-to-head with Chestnut because he has been banned from MLE events for refusing to sign an exclusive contract. So instead of sitting in exile and eating food like a normal person, Kobayashi held his own Nathan’s Hot Dog satellite event from a rooftop in Manhattan. According to Kobayashi and his video evidence, he not only beat Chestnut’s 62 dogs, but he broke the world record by eating 69 weiners in 10 minutes. Better luck next year, your sister.

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