In country star Miranda Lambert’s video for ‘Fastest Girl In Town’, Miranda stars as a sexy local who may or may not know how to properly smoke a cigarette who uses her feminine wiles to lure unsuspecting billiards hunks away and steal their cars. Her accomplice? NASCAR’s own Danica Patrick, who manages to get into a car and drive it for almost two minutes without crashing into something.

Country music videos love to tether themselves as closely as possible to other, classically “redneck” endeavors (see also, Montgomery Gentry and TNA Wrestling’s ‘Cowboy’ James Storm in ‘Longnecks and Rednecks’), and this one hits all the great Southern marks: facial tattoos, dive bars with Christmas light decorations and cops who have no idea what they’re doing. All they need is 15 churches in the background and they’ve nailed my hometown.

Anyway, here’s Danica using tight pants and Wonder Woman gauntlets (?) to steal a car:

Read the rest of this entry »

I’m just slumming it on the sports blog until they make me full-time over at Gamma Squad, so I’m excited to announce that NASCAR beauty Danica Patrick will be appearing alongside Sonic the Hedgehog in the upcoming multi-platform kart racer Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed. Wait, no I’m not, I think it’s the stupidest f**king news I’ve ever heard.

But no, seriously, Danica will be a playable character in a game where a hedgehog who can run super fast decides to race people in a car (?) that turns into a boat and then into an airplane. You know, instead of running. She’ll appear alongside such luminaries as Amigo the Maracas Monkey, the taxi driver from Crazy Taxi and “Gilius Thunderhead”, which I’m guessing was Danica’s name before she became a driver.

Quick, try to decide which of these statements was most written by a public relations team!

“It’s a very exciting experience since I’ll be sharing the screen with such an iconic character,” said Danica Patrick. “I cannot wait for gamers to jump into my customized, transformable vehicles and give Sonic a run for his rings this holiday season!”

“Danica Patrick is one of the most popular athletes in the world and her accomplishments both on and off the track make her the perfect partner for Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed,” said Masanao Maeda, President and COO, SEGA of America.

I can’t decide which is harder to believe, the fact that the Japanese COO of SEGA thought “that lady racecar driver people know” would be perfect for his monkeys in hovercrafts garbageware game or that Danica Patrick said the phrase “jump into my customized, transformable vehicles and give Sonic a run for his rings this holiday season” in real life. The full picture of Danica on the Sonic stock car she’ll be driving during the O’Reilly Auto Parts Challenge on November 3 at the Texas Motor Speedway is below, because video games!

Read the rest of this entry »

Oops, sorry. That’s Brooklyn Decker up there, not Kate Upton. They’re still just too damn easy to confuse with each other.

Anywho, Decker was on hand for the Coca-Cola 600 on Sunday as a guest of Coke Zero and to promote her new film Battleship, which is currently doing its best Kenny Wallace impression at the box office. Either way, someone won the race, and apparently nobody cares who it was because we’re all distracted by the late night Cinemax film that Decker and Danica Patrick filmed before the race.

Let your minds wander as far as they want, folks…

In a joint appearance, Patrick explained the nuances of a NASCAR pit stop, and Decker was given the chance to try to jack the car and pack it with fuel.

“Is it magnetized?” Decker asked while trying to insert the gas can into the car. “It doesn’t latch? Well, that doesn’t seem very smart. There has to be a better way.”

Patrick laughed and noted, “Well, there could be a better way, but somewhat of the fun of NASCAR is we keep things a little more do-it-yourself.”

“She’s a good sport,” Patrick added. “I know I wouldn’t want to pick up the gas cans. I just like turning left.”

“You’re really good at turning left,” Decker said. “She’s so skilled and talented. If I can hold your gas can, I’m honored.” (Via USA Today)

Yeah, you hold her gas can, you dirty girl. Come on, let’s step this up a little, ladies. There’s a guy rubbing the crotch of his Wrangler cut-offs that needs a pay-off.

Read the rest of this entry »

One of my all-time favorite things to do is scour the depths of Etsy for random crap, because it’s just amazing how much awesomely ridiculous stuff people can create and sell on the Internet these days. But nothing gets my PayPal account pumping more than the sports gear that dedicated Etsy sellers have whipped up, and that’s why I want to devote this new weekly feature to finding my favorite Etsy sports merchandise, starting with that Tim Tebow pillar candle above.

Sure, I just pointed out that Tebow’s got a team of trademark-happy lawyers that are suing people for making things that don’t even mention the New York Jets backup QB’s name, but that’s not going to stop any of us from grabbing one of these $5 candles and letting the Jets fan upstairs know that we’re pushing for Tebow to get the other New York team a Super Bowl win.

After the jump, get in the gift-giving mood, because Etsy’s got every sport covered…

Read the rest of this entry »

Jeffrey Earnhardt, grandson of “The Intimidator” Dale Earnhardt and nephew of “Not As Intimidating But He’s In Jeans Commercials” Dale Earnhardt, Jr., races on the Rolex Sports Car Series and the NASCAR Nationwide Series. Starting this Tuesday, he’s pulling a Bo Jackson and becoming a two-sport athlete: Jeffrey (or as I like to call him, “Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr.*”) is fighting at Fight Lab 25 in Charlotte, N.C. as an amateur, going up against bantamweight competitor Chris Faison.

We’re about to have an Earnhardt in MMA. Why, you ask? Because people don’t think driving is a real sport. Jeff is hoping to validate the athleticism of stock car racing by being athletic in a way that has nothing to do with stock cars or racing. No, really!

“A lot of people don’t see race car athletes as true athletes … They don’t think we’re capable of doing anything other than sitting in a car and driving in a circle. A lot of people don’t understand the reality of it. This is an opportunity to prove to people that race car drivers are athletes. It’s a lot harder than people realize. Hopefully this MMA fight will help people realize that, and that we can hold our own as athletes.” (via MMA Fighting)

I’m sure there are accountants out there that do CrossFit and could rip my arms off, that doesn’t mean accounting is a sport. And hey, just because fighting is a sport doesn’t mean everyone who does it is an athlete. I’m a blogger and I could probably knock out Bob Sapp.

Regardless of his intent, I’ll be watching. I’m pretty excited for a guy who smiles like that to enter the world of punching.

Stock NASCAR photo.

Greg Biffle hadn’t won a Sprint Cup race in almost two years before he overtook everyone’s least favorite NASCAR driver, Jimmie Johnson, to win the Samsung Mobile 500 yesterday in Ft. Worth, Texas. But in even better news, With Leather’s official favorite driver, Ricky Stenhouse Jr., took his place in Victory Lane on Friday night after he won the Nationwide Series O’Reilly Auto Parts 300. Because we can, we take full credit for his victory.

Even better than all of that wonderful NASCAR news, though, is that self-proclaimed “TV news producer, writer, wife, asshole and owner of 2 dogs” Jenny Johnson Tweeted her experience at the Samsung Mobile 500 from the moment she started driving to Ft. Worth, and the result was pretty funny. That is, if you have a good sense of humor about NASCAR.

I don’t know anything about Johnson, other than pretty much every girl I know follows her on Twitter and they all think she’s a riot. However, I’m sure if you’re a NASCAR purist you won’t take too kindly to her playing off the stereotypes that everyone who goes to races – especially *clap clap clap* deep in the heart of Texas – is a toothless hillbilly redneck. As a NASCAR fan, though, I still get a kick out of the jokes, so let’s not take ourselves too seriously, y’all.

Read the rest of this entry »