Derek Holland was nothing more than just another Texas Rangers pitcher before he won our hearts during the 2011 World Series with his impression of Will Ferrell’s impression of legendary Chicago Cubs announcer Harry Caray. Some would say that he also showed that he’s a pretty good pitcher, too, but I was too busy watching the St. Louis Cardinals win the World Series. However, I’ll go back and check out my DVD to see if they have any highlights of Holland’s pitching.

Anywho, as we get ready to tip toe into Spring Training with pitchers and catchers reporting, Holland and his whispy perv-o mustache are back in our lives as he stopped by News 8 in Dallas to hang out with meteorologist Pete Delkus, as they delivered the local forecast last Friday. Holland, or “The Dutch Oven” as he’s awesomely known, studied communications at Wallace State Community College in Alabama, so if he hadn’t found success as an ace for a notoriously crappy pitching team, he always had his meteorology dreams to fall back on.

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On Saturday night, Albert Pujols gave us perhaps the greatest individual game performance in World Series history. Three home runs, 6 RBI, and a record 14 total bases – completely mind-blowing, but also completely expected from him. That’s why El Hombre is hardly the story today after Derek Holland’s magnificent pitching performance for the Texas Rangers last night. Holland went 8.1 inning, allowing just 2 hits (both to Lance Berkman) while fanning 7. Most impressively, he silenced Pujols, who was 0-for-4 at the plate. Holland’s effort was truly a postseason pitching masterpiece.

So what’s up with the creepy mustache?

It’s all I could think every time Holland was pitching last night. It’s like my grandfather gave him a gorilla mask, with sad little hairs speckled here and there, not really making much of a formation. As a man who is incapable of growing facial hair, I look up to these professional athletes to set a standard with their mustaches and beards. For instance, I can’t stand those Taco Bell ads with Brian Wilson shouting, “Black Ops!” but I sure respect the man’s beard. Hoffman really let us down with this prepubescent flavor savor.

Thankfully, I’m a St. Louis Cardinals fan and we are widely regarded as the most intelligent and classiest facial hair aficionados in baseball. That’s why I took some time to put together this list of suggestions for Holland so that he can combine his commanding pitching with a commanding lady tickler.

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From the criminally under-appreciated 12 Angry Mascots comes the next step in the Brian Wilson-style “turn relief pitchers into hilarious meta characters” thing we tried so desperately to do seven years ago with Cubs/everyone else reliever Kyle Farnsworth.

Watch in abject horror/amazement as downtrodden party-goers are visited by Milwaukee Brewers reliever John Axford, who uses an aerosol can to spray mustaches onto their faces while Bachman Turner Overdrive’s “Takin Care Of Business” plays in the background. It takes a weird turn near the end, but I don’t want to spoil it for you. I think my next major career goal is going to be “be the guy who gets to travel around the country making weird YouTube videos with baseball guys”. What, Jim Thome can dress like Paul Bunyan to sell Twins tickets but he’s too good to remake 5-minutes-to-all of The Searchers with me?

Secondary achievement of this video: now I know who John Axford is.

If you like that, click through and watch my favorite of their videos, because Jesus, more people need to make fun of the f**king Batting Stance Guy.

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Just because we’ve previously covered the incredibly prestigious World Beard and Mustache Championships, we’re not opposed to covering facial hair contests on the regional circuit, especially when it’s for the betterment of the U.S. of A. On Sunday, the city of Los Angeles played host to its own inaugural Beard and Mustache Championships, and with it came a parade of hipster glory.

More than 100 competitors showed up to the Federal Bar in North Hollywood to display their flavor savers, but only 25 of them would walk away with honors. Unimpressed? The ladies sure weren’t.

The lip spinach wasn’t all that was in abundance in the crowd that organizers estimated climbed to nearly 300 over the course of the day — roughly half were females — assorted spouses, gal pals and a fair number of what appeared to be beard and mustache groupies, some sporting stick-on ‘staches, others with knit beards or temporary tonsorial tattoos or T-shirts that combined a heart-and-handlebar design. (L.A. Times)

Awards were given in the categories of Business Beard, Partial Beard, Mustache, Freestyle, and Full Beard, but I can’t focus on the winners until I point out a travesty. In the Partial Beard category, Robert Broski, a name that Jay Cutler would kill for, was awarded third place despite being an Abraham Lincoln impersonator. The only defense I could accept is that his presence was too unfair to the other competitors. Because in my America, Honest Abe never loses.

Enjoy the best of L.A.’s 1st Annual Beard and Mustache Championships after the jump.

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Well, like nuts, at least.

Sports

Exciting New Genre Alert: The MMA Porno - It’s called “Fighters” and follows “two beautiful, passionate girls, from opposite walks of life that come together in a battle of lust and unyielding wills to fight it out in a stealthy boxing match.” Spoiler: One walk of life is “stripping” and the other is “molestation”. [Cage Potato]

Sports’ Best Mustaches - Sure, you always have to see that same picture of Rollie Fingers, but “best mustaches” lists on the Internet are the best place to find out about weird-looking hockey players. I keep wondering how hockey players get hot actress girlfriends. Theory: hockey is the one pro sport where a woman can date a white guy and not look like she’s a secret racist. [Yardbarker]

Real Madrid Signs 7-Year Old - Soccer is a fun game for children to play, I don’t know why people are so upset about this. Just make sure he drinks Pediasure instead of eating that box of fries. [Online Sports Guys]

Deion Sanders And The Career Many Forgot He Had - It started with “Must Be The Money” and ended with a Troy Aikman-looking Hall of Fame bust. That’s quite a career. Also, he was the sh*t in Tecmo Super Bowl. [Smoking Section]

With Leather

Senorita, Feel The Conga, Let Me See You Golf Like You Come From Colombia - Shakira golfing. If you see the title “Shakira golfing” and don’t at least look at it for a few minutes, you’re a weird person. [With Leather]

@Storytime: Celine Dion Destroys Ron Artest’s Fragile World - This thing needs more comments. This is a “Fabio gets hit in the face by a bird while riding a roller coaster” type of situation and needs your attention. SHE MADE HIM WANT TO LEARN ABOUT THE HOLOCAUST. [With Leather]

The 80′s Sitcom Daughters Guide to Fantasy Football Wide Receivers - I love that Burnsy puts so much work into making these intelligent and accurate and most of the comments are still just “meh where’s Lynn from ALF your argument is invalid”. [With Leather]

Melina Splits: WWE Cleaning House - Notable because WWE is referencing them on television, with the slight chance that Masters, Kozlov and Harry Smith are going to return as part of CM Punk’s “Legion Of The Damned”. Melina, of course, will be at Wizard World Austin. Come on, Wizard World Austin! [With Leather]

Not Sports

The Best of #Tom Haverford - For all your apps, zerts and chicky-chicky parm-parm needs. Tom is my girlfriend’s favorite character on Parks and Rec, no matter how hard I try to convince her that Leslie is the best person in the history of sitcom television. [UPROXX]

7 Sci-Fi Philosoraptors: Dinosaur Meme Tackles Time Travel, Space - Needs more “Carl Sagan explaining Flatland”. “Cosmos” ruled, I don’t know if you were aware. [Gamma Squad]

The Five Most Useless Action Movie Heroines - I clicked this to make sure Violet from Ultraviolet was on the list, and sure enough, there she was. I got that blu-ray free with my blu-ray player and could not believe something so free could be so terrible. It was like watching Joseph Kahn jack off onto a tablet. [UPROXX]

Black Dynamite: Watch the Full Pilot - Main man Black Dynamite! [Adult Swim]

As the World Cricket Cup is in full… swing? I don’t know, is that what it’s called over there? Either way, the Cricket Cup is currently taking place in Bangladesh, India and Sri Lanka and if you want to know how your favorite cricket team/squad/crew is doing, then you can refer to coverage like this, this or this.

But here in America, we play a little sport called baseball so we don’t have time for your flat bats and your brooms and your quaffles and your golden snitches. We’re a picky folk, so you better come at us with some steroids or a ridiculous person doing something funny. What’s that, India? You’ve got a creepy guy? All right, now we’re talking.

In the video after the jump, you’ll meet a fan who has either never seen a video camera before or he’s a 7th level demon of hellfire and he’s going to eat your soul for eternity. He’s got a funny mustache, too. And if you’re wondering if this guy is going to be the next Ryder Cup Cigar Guy… you bet your ass he is.

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