This Instagram image doesn’t come with a lot of context — all that accompanied it in its tweet was “Just girls bein girls” — but hey, Kate Upton, Stacy Keibler and Maria Menounos hung out last night, all sat on the same side of the table (?) and made facetious mustaches with their chopsticks.
Sorry to be all “uh here’s this one picture” about it, but I thought you should be made aware. Yesterday was my birthday, so I like to think they got together to celebrate it and I just missed the e-vite. Thanks, ladies, I appreciate it.
(Also, I can’t wait for mustaches to stop being funny.)
As a grown adult male who has never been able to grow sufficient facial hair, I don’t typically handle news involving mustaches and beards very well, but if that news creates the opportunity to rank celebrity mustaches and/or beards then I can live with it. In this case, Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers appeared on Jim Rome’s new show on Showtime Wednesday night and Romey asked the hard-hitting questions as usual.
Asked Rome, as his assistant cleared a spot on his mantle for a Pulitzer:
“You have long been a practitioner of the mustache. In the spirit of Movember, who are the greatest ‘staches in history? Which gentlemen belong on Mount ‘Stachemore?”
Of course I’m kidding with my jabs at Rome, because this kind of question is right up my alley, perhaps behind similar queries like “Have you ever tried to get two girls pregnant in the same threesome?” to Antonio Cromartie or “A-cup, D-cup or a nice palm full?” to Jay Cutler. So who did Rodgers name as his facial hair inspirations? Dude, it’s right there in the headline. Geez.
I don’t know if this is just my high school experience or what, but when a pair of cute teen girls tell you to do something, you should probably do it. This video (by way of Jason Against Speed at Sportress Of Blogitude, by way of the MLB Fan Cave) features an organized protest against New York Mets legend Keith Hernandez’s decision to (maybe) shave the iconic mustache that made him the American Mustache Institute’s Top Sports Mustache Of All-Time.
If you’d like to join in the protest, this is what you have to do: find a caterpillar, slaughter it, stick it to the end of a kebob skewer and hold it under your nose. Declare a la Spartacus that you are Keith Hernandez, and explain how stupid it’d be for you to change your grooming habits slightly after circa 40 years. It helps if you’re cute, a child, holding a dog or speaking with a heavy accent.
Check out the video below, and remember: you are Keith Hernandez. Don’t do it.
Despite the team’s on-field struggles and reports of growing dissension in the clubhouse, Red Sox team president Larry Lucchino stated earlier today that manager Bobby Valentine will remain with the team at least until the end of this season.
Red Sox president Larry Lucchino left no doubt about Bobby Valentine’s fate for the short term, stating in no uncertain terms his manager won’t be fired before the end of the season.
In an interview Thursday morning on Boston sports radio station WEEI, he was asked by host John Dennis whether Valentine would “unequivocally” remain as manager for the rest of this season. Lucchino replied with a simple “yes.” [ESPN]
Not exactly a ringing endorsement. Ideally you’d like a little more elaboration on your job status from your boss than a one-word answer, but I suppose it’s better than nothing. Three letters better, to be exact. Anyway, I mainly bring this up because I just wanted to remind all of you that one time Bobby Valentine got ejected from a baseball game he was managing, then put on a fake mustache and snuck back into the dugout only to be spotted by the umpire and ejected again one inning later.
UPROXX Live Q&A With ‘Archer’s’ Amber Nash And Lucky Yates, AKA The Voices Of Pam Poovey And Doctor Krieger - “Is Lucky your real name, or do people call you that because of the time you slipped in pee-pee and got a structured cash settlement?” [UPROXX]
Here’s The Mitt Romney/Eminem Mashup You’ve All Been Waiting For - On the surface he looks calm and ready to drop bombs, but he keeps on forgetting what he wrote down. [UPROXX]
5 Artists You Missed At SXSW While Waiting In Line To See Rick Ross - Rick Ross should’ve performed all four seconds of his verse from ‘Monster’, threw up his hands, yelled “THANK YOU AUSTIN” and disappeared. [Smoking Section]
Michael Bay And Michaelangelo Respond To The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Kerfuffle - “Relax, friends, I’m working with a guy in a TMNT shit from Hot Topic and he and I think aliens are awesome, so shut up. The first draft of our script is just the words ‘green explosion’ written on 150 sheets of paper.” [Gamma Squad]
Cousin Oliver from the Brady Bunch would like to report a Ninja Turtle sodomy - Meanwhile, ’3J’ from ‘Family Matters’ would like to report that he is extremely hungry. [Film Drunk]
5 Bleak British Television Series That Will Kick In Your Pretty American Teeth - ‘Fawlty Towers’ should be on here, that sh*t was bleak. Poor Basil Fawlty can’t get one second of peace in his entire life. [Warming Glow]
The Cast Of “American Pie”: Then & Now - This is just an excuse to juxtapose Tara Reid photos, isn’t it? Also, Shannon Elizabeth needs to start aging somewhere other than the neck. [Buzzfeed]
Kimmel Unveils Rick Santorum-Approved Pornography - Not looking forward to this guy being President and me having to masturbate with a handful of gravel. [HuffPost Comedy]
Modern-Day Icarus - Not interested in seeing this guy’s contraption again unless he’s plummeting down a cliffside during a mission in Red Dead Redemption. [High Definite]
10 Skateboarding Sneakers For People Who Can’t Stand Skateboarders - My awesome David Otunga-style argyle Vans better be on here somewhere. [Brobible]
16 Celebrities With Mustache Eyebrows - The Internet, ladies and gentlemen. [The FW]
Sure, the big baseball news right now is all about how Milwaukee Brewers slugger and 2011 National League MVP Ryan Braun beat the system and had his 50-game suspension overturned yesterday. Everyone was all like, “Hooray, bro! He did it! He proved that MLB players can use banned substances and not get in trouble because the FedEx guy will forget to deliver the urine on time, thus rendering the findings obsolete because of the MLB’s drug-testing policies!” Or something like that. I honestly stopped paying attention to this story the moment it was announced that a Brewers player was suspended, because my natural response was, “LOL, Bud Selig won’t suspend Brewers.”
But my silly, sarcastic conspiracy theories aside, I’m happy that Braun isn’t suspended, because he seems like a good guy. The only way he could seem any cooler would be if he had a sweet mustache like my main man Lance Berkman up there. Berkman showed up to St. Louis Cardinals – the reigning World Series champions – facilities in Jupiter, Florida sporting a new and quite porn-o-rific flavor savor. St. Louis Post-Dispatch reporter Derrick Goold Tweeted that he looks like Sgt. Slaughter, but I think he’s working towards something a little more manly.