Gross song lyric, Chad.

Links

Nickelback Feels Your Hate And Is Desperately Trying To Win You Over, Internet - “Not making any more music” and “giving me lots of money” are the only two ways I’m going to back Nickelback. [UPROXX]

Grantland Network Podcast: The Masked Man on WWE Survivor Series - David Shoemaker gets a big leagues wrestling podcast, and I’m lucky enough to appear on the first ever episode. Does this mean I’m friends with Bill Simmons by proxy? [Grantland]

The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 11/21 - Hey, go read this and comment on it if you haven’t already. It was good this week. Also, that picture of AJ = holy crap. [With Leather]

The NBA Lockout Is Hurting Prostitution - A joke about LeBron James going to the Miami Heat. Also, less a horrible statement about black people and more a horrible statement about rich people. [Smoking Section]

Errol Morris’s JFK Assassination Short: The Umbrella Man - Gates of Heaven is one of my very favorite movies of all time, so I’ll watch anything Errol Morris does, even if it’s about the goddamn Kennedy assassination again. [Film Drunk]

Want Some Amazing Spider-Man Set Photos? - Sure. Are these the ones where Bryce Dallas Howard is suddenly Gwen Stacy again? [Gamma Squad]

Gordon Ramsay’s Sex Advice - Sex advice from the only person in the world I’d like to have sex with less than Guy Fieri. [Warming Glow]

15 Songs You Always Knew, But Never Knew The Names Of - This is a really fun list, but some are too easy. Like I’m not going to know something that was from 2001 AND was Ric Flair’s entrance theme. Also, “Powerhouse” by Raymond Scott (aka “cartoon assembly line music”) needs to be on the list. [Buzzfeed]

And Now, Some Thanksgiving Stuff

The Shocking Truth About Thanksgiving - Like a Dave Barry column written by the Internet. [Adult Swim]

8 Wacky Presidential Turkey Pardon Moments - If I were President, all I’d do is pardon turkeys. We’d go to war and I couldn’t participate because I’m busy printing out all this bullsh*t paperwork about holiday joshing. [The FW]

What Is The Greatest Thanksgiving Movie Of All Time? - My kneejerk response was “Planes, Trains and Automobiles?” and thank God I was right. Great holiday movies should also be great every-other-day movies. [FARK]

Top 10 Reasons Why Thanksgiving Eve Is the Best Bar Night of the Year - I’m sad I didn’t completely Tucker Max my life and get into bar culture, I feel like I’m missing out on a whole avenue of writer sadness. [BroBible]

Thanksgiving Food Pyramid - My personal Thanksgiving food pyramid goes “canned cranberry sauce, Tofurky roast, that one brand of vegan macaroni and cheese that doesn’t taste like somebody barfed on a plastic tray”. [High Definite]

He looks photoshopped in, doesn’t he?

Metta World Peace née Ron Artest took off to Nevada over the weekend to host a night at the Chateau Nightclub & Gardens at the Paris Hotel on the Las Vegas Strip, and like a lot of Vegas tourists he decided to take in a show. That show happened to be Celine, Celine Dion’s residency performance at The Colosseum at Caesars Palace. Most people who go to that will tweet “went to see Celina Dion in Vegas, liked the show” or “went to see Celina Dion in Vegas, did not like the show” (that one would be me), but not Artest. Here’s the Spark Notes version of what went down:

1. Ron Artest is Ron Artest
2. Ron Artest decides to go see Celine Dion in concert
3. Celine Dion changes Ron Artest’s life
4. Ron Artest gets frustrated that his Twitter followers don’t know who Celine Dion is and think he’s joking
5. Ron Artest has an existential crisis, considers the idea that he might be dumb and is driven to improve himself
6. Ron Artest gets in over his head

The last two days of @RonArtest are succinctly chronicled here for your observation and amusement, and because somebody needed to make a permanent record of this. Please click through to enjoy.

Read the rest of this entry »

Shakira could be the world’s most talented and likeable lady. Sure, I think she sings kinda like a washing machine — on Progressive Boink we once described her as having the “ability to sing like both a Latina schoolgirl and Homsar in the same verse” — but her lower body operates on some amazing blades and pulleys system the average person can’t comprehend. She just arches her back and takes a step forward and suddenly she’s gyrating so ridiculously you could use her ass like the f**king Time Tunnel.

What I’m getting at is that Shakira works on a different level than most, so of course she’s good at golf. Here’s a brief synopsis from our pals at Devil Ball Golf, who manage to say what we’re all thinking:

There’s an awful lot of padding in this video (edit, people! edit!) and you’ve got to be a serious Shakira fan (or stalker) to sit through this whole thing. But give it 30 seconds. I can guarantee you this: any pro golfer who does the Shakira hip-dance after they hole a long putt gets immortalized here on Devil Ball, guaranteed.

All the video needs is Wyclef Jean showing up somewhere in the background to yell “one time one time” and take 50% credit for the golf. Alternate joke: If Shakira is this good at golf, I’m guessing Paulina Rubio can’t Putt-Putt for sh*t.

With the NFL labor deal reportedly eminent, technically-unemployed football guys should be finishing up all the activities they’d get in trouble for otherwise. Case in point: this picture of Tennessee Titans wide receiver Kenny Britt on stage at a Britney Spears concert, being handcuffed to a chair and having his neck ridden by an oafish middle-aged woman. I’m not sure where Britney Spears was when this photo was taken, but I think she would’ve enjoyed it.

Here are two additional pictures, courtesy of Black Sports Online. Click for the larger versions.

Hopefully as the day goes on we’ll have more important football news to share, like the end of the lockout, or at least those pics of Dorin Dickerson being gay birthed from a colossal mirrorball cocoon at the Lady Gaga show.

[via Hot Clicks]

And now, the weirdest thing Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has done since pretending to be a stranger to teach Jesse Katsopolis about basketball — a video advertisement (courtesy of our friends at Buzzfeed) that starts off like a student film about slam dunking fruit and ends up being about the new Smashing Pumpkins album. The people at Buzzfeed agree that the video is WTF and LOL as well as FAIL. I think it’s pretty great, outside of how uncomfortable it is to watch a 64-year old man dunk. Now I know how Celtics fans felt last season.

Of course, Billy Corgan of the Smashing Pumpkins is a huge professional wrestling fan, so you’d think if he wanted an irreverent pop culture reference for his upcoming album he’d just throw a voice over on the end of this old Road Warriors scaffold match promo.

Hey, it’s less obscure than the original joke I wrote about how they filmed themselves walking in and out of houses to promote “Adore”.

The Cleveland Indians have won six of their last seven games. Sure, they’re like a billion games out of their division lead, but, you know, baby steps.

But when they do celebrate, they celebrate hard, with the melodies of Lady Gaga pumping in the clubhouse. According to Ben Maller from Fox Sports Radio, Travis Hafner is a huge Lady Gaga fan and he has made “Bad Romance” by Lady Gaga the Indians victory song. –Ted Williams’ Head.

Some of you know that I dig Teh Gaga, but “Bad Romance” and “Paparazzi” might be, among her many hits, my least favorite. I’m definitely more of a “Telephone” and “Just Dance” kinda gay…uh, I mean guy. Of course, there might be other factors in play for the Indians’ strong run. Inspiration from the death of Lou Brown or the resurgence of Jake Taylor’s acting career might have come into play. Yes, I’m naming guys from the Major League films. Other than Hafner, NAME ONE GUY ON THAT TEAM. That’s what I thought. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have another A-Rod post to finish.