Last week, as the myth of the 2013 NCAA Tournament Cinderella grew beyond their redneckian beach town of Ft. Myers, the No. 15 seed Florida Gulf Coast Eagles were gifted with their new nickname, Dunk City, and their very own rap anthem. And while I’d thought that I would never, not in a million academic school years, hear anything as wonderful at Chet Haze’s “White and Purple” anthem for Northwestern football, FGCU MC Black Magic showed up and made Chet look like Colin Hanks.

Set to the beat of Tyga’s “Rack City”, Black Magic and his female counterpart, Bambi, delivered a “Dunk City” rap song that racked up around a half million views in less than a week. But apparently it was missing something, because Mr. Magic and Bambi are back today with “Dunk City 2” and this time they brought Eagles star and one-time bench scrub Sherwood Brown with them.

They also brought a bunch of students and some new rhymes, so I thought we could break down the finer points of “Dunk City 2” today.

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This isn’t necessarily sports news, because it’s really about an actor from a show that really isn’t about fantasy football, but we don’t talk about The League enough here and that’s borderline criminal. (Especially since I may never fulfill my dream of writing a full breakdown of how I hate that The League isn’t more interactive with the actual NFL season and how sometimes they’re just completely wrong, but also how much I love how wrong Andre is about football yet he’s that dude who wins despite his idiocy – “Deion Sanders? I almost drafted him this year!” – and can we talk about how much I love that he’s engaged now to a woman who is just like him? Seriously, that show is evolving so well despite being based on such a limited premise.) Wait, what were we talking about?

Oh yeah, Jon Lajoie, who plays Taco on The League. If you weren’t familiar with Lajoie before the hit FX comedy first aired, you need to spend the rest of the day watching all of his hilarious YouTube music videos, including “Show Me Your Genitals”, “Pop Song” and “Everyday Normal Guy”, among others. Seriously, go do it. It’s better than working or giving your cat a bubble bath.

Now Lajoie is back with “The Best Christmas Song” and it’s equal parts obnoxious, annoying and hilarious as usual. Some people don’t care for Lajoie’s brand of comedy and I respect that, but I also counter with – Would you rather watch Bill Engvall? I didn’t think so.

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UFC ring girl and professional soccer ball sitter-nearer Arianny Celeste announced via Twitter on Wednesday that the music video for her song ‘Top Of The World’ had arrived, and if you’re worried that Paris Hilton-ish club banger from a lady who walks around in her underwear for a living might be a rushed, Rebecca Black affair, don’t be — this baby has all the lens flares, costume changes and ill-defined sci-fi plots of a summer blockbuster.

Here’s the story of the ‘Top Of The World’ video, as I understand it. A pair of U.S. astronauts (?) orbiting the Earth need a human male for some reason, so they use their People Making Machine to make a female Terminator (Celeste, doing full-on Terminator style time travel kneels) and send her down to the planet’s surface to make out with a guy in a swimming pool, go dancing and get married. Once that’s done, they can beam him up to their ship, where they strap him to a table and leave him alone. So many questions. If they had a People Making Machine, why didn’t they just make a guy instead of an octagon girl? Why did they need to get married? Does that contractually obligate him to space travel and dissection? If all they needed to do was hug, couldn’t they have beamed him up when they were macking in the pool? OH NO, MY PRECIOUS BRAIN!

Anyway, check out the video for yourself and see if you can figure it out. Or, you know, stare at all the cleavage and butt shots. Your decision.

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In country star Miranda Lambert’s video for ‘Fastest Girl In Town’, Miranda stars as a sexy local who may or may not know how to properly smoke a cigarette who uses her feminine wiles to lure unsuspecting billiards hunks away and steal their cars. Her accomplice? NASCAR’s own Danica Patrick, who manages to get into a car and drive it for almost two minutes without crashing into something.

Country music videos love to tether themselves as closely as possible to other, classically “redneck” endeavors (see also, Montgomery Gentry and TNA Wrestling’s ‘Cowboy’ James Storm in ‘Longnecks and Rednecks’), and this one hits all the great Southern marks: facial tattoos, dive bars with Christmas light decorations and cops who have no idea what they’re doing. All they need is 15 churches in the background and they’ve nailed my hometown.

Anyway, here’s Danica using tight pants and Wonder Woman gauntlets (?) to steal a car:

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Has the whole world gone crazy? Am I the only one around here who gives a sh*t about the rules? Mark it zero!

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Links

The 10 Things We Learned From The 2012 NBA All-Star Game - 1 Thing We Learned From The Slam Dunk Contest: the only dunk that exists is “jumping over things”. [Smoking Section]

Liverpool Fan Pokes Himself In The Eye, Continues Cheering - Been there, done that. I’ve also cheered through accidentally getting punched in the balls, but that might just’ve been Cleveland. [High Definite]

Vick Ballard Runs, He Slides … - Now we need footage of Andrew Luck playing ‘Rattle Me Bones’. Alternate joke: RG3 is great at ‘Shark Attack’. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

20 Hilarious/Useful “Walking Dead” GIFs - I was hoping this’d be nothing but gifs of people talking. pGamma Squad]

The Best Of Danny DeVito’s #Frank Reynolds - I’ll never say “trash” the same way again. [UPROXX]

Photos from the ‘The Adventures of Pete and Pete’ Reunion - Toby Huss is one of the 10 people in the world I’d most like to meet. Also, holy sh*t this is basically the greatest thing. [Warming Glow]

Must Watch: Jean Dujardin’s French surfer rap - Forget Jean Dujardin, let’s find video of everything Bérénice Bejo has ever done. And Uggie, minus all the Frasier. [Film Drunk]

So This Happened: Bryan Cranston Wore Breaking Bad Chuck Taylors To An Awards Show - Stay off of my turf in those shoes.. [UPROXX]

With any luck, Jim Rash’s Oscar win will be great news for Community - And with any luck, Alison Brie will take over for Amanda Seyfried and win an Oscar for being constantly nude as Linda Lovelace. Perfect world, blah blah. [FARK]

10 Awesome Animals Walking On Two Legs - So what? I walk on two legs all the time. [The FW]

The Best Interview About a Sex Shop Fire You’ll Ever See - I just picture Pee-wee Herman running out of the store with a bunch of dildos in his hands and collapsing. [Brobible]

Eight Disturbing Music Videos You May Have Missed - I’m pretty unhappy to live in a world where people haven’t seen Aphex Twin videos. That’s sorta my WHATTA YA MEAN YA NEVER HEARD’A MAYPO moment. [Unreality]

The 2-0 Miami Heat have set the NBA on fire with a dangerously effective, new-look offense that emphasizes athleticism and de-emphasizes LeBron and Wade and Bosh standing around expecting to win. As undeniably great as they are, they keep doing things to make us hate them … most notably their 2011-12 intro hype video, wherein Hype Williams has apparently taken his talents to South Beach to film the team posing like d-bags in the best Express For Men has to offer.

It doesn’t do a lot to help the “Hollywood Heat” nickname, but it goes a long way to making Juwan Howard look like a 70-year old sailor, if that was part of the plan. It also makes me feel a little sorry for the guys who get crammed together at the end, like Mickell Gladness. More like Mickell Sadness. They should just have a fast-scrolling list of the non-Big 3 roster with AND ALSO at the top fly by so LeBron can flex his sweatermuscles and wear vintage sunglasses more.

Anyway, for extra fun, compare and contrast this with the undisputed king of music video intros:

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