Seriously, I walked by that thing and suddenly knew how to use tools.

Burnsy and Danger Guerrero have been handling things for me while I’ve been Nike Fuelin’ it around Austin for SXSW, but I’m back today, so expect a lot of things that have nothing to do with sports people enjoy. I’ve got a lot of South By shows to recap, but I don’t have to actually go anywhere today, so Skyrim With Leather promptness, here I come!

- Follow us on Twitter @withleather
- Follow me personally @MrBrandonStroud and Burnsy @MayorBurnsy
- Like us on Facebook.

Links

Funny, Sexy, And Austin Cosplay of The Week: SXSW Screenburn Arcade - It’s not exactly “watch a singer-songwriter play in a church”, but I got to take pictures of nearly naked guys dressed like Zangief, so read that. [Gamma Squad]

SXSW Screenburn Arcade Spotlight: The Unexpected Genius Of Minicore Studios - Imagine if Angry Birds had a crazy backstory where the yellow bird has schizophrenia. That’s these guys. [Gamma Squad]

UPROXX @ SXSW: Skateboarding And Dodgeball At The Nike Fuel Lot - Sports also happened! If I hadn’t had strict “go see Ingrid Michaelson” orders that I gave myself I would’ve taken pictures of the Livestrong run, too. [With Leather]

UPROXX @ SXSW: Quiet Company At The Main - This is one of those bands that can bang a wooden spoon against a Speak & Spell and make it sound beautiful. [UPROXX]

UPROXX @ SXSW: TeenGirl Fantasy And Star Slinger Pitchfork Showcase At The Mohawk - Wherein I share the building where I watch Anarchy Championship Wrestling with 200 people who read Pitchfork. The word “sonic” is used 75 times. [UPROXX]

UPROXX @ SXSW: David Liebe Hart Band At The Jr - This is the show recap the Corinnians read again and again. [UPROXX]

UPROXX @ SXSW: Skrew At The Jr - I still feel weird typing that headline. One day I hope they put “influential industrial metal” on my tombstone. [UPROXX]

UPROXX @ SXSW: Fiona Apple At Stubb’s - Not ashamed to say I waited in line like 2 1/2 hours to be front row for Fiona Apple. Now if only The Cardigans would show up at South By, I’d have my two favorite almost cool female singers from the 90s in one place. [UPROXX]

UPROXX @ SXSW: Action Bronson And DaVinci At Lustre Pearl - Aside from maybe The Black Belles, this is the guy I left SXSW wanting to see again the most. More rap songs about Barry Horowitz, please. [UPROXX]

UPROXX @ SXSW: Andrew WK And Screaming Females At Bar 96 - Set list spoiler: he played a bunch of songs about partying. You knew I’d end up at the vegan-something party, didn’t you? [UPROXX]

UPROXX @ SXSW: Motion City Soundtrack At Clive Bar - Pretty sure either “Brick” or “Mortar” left me a negative comment on this one. In response to his question, I’m not really qualified to be doing anything. [UPROXX]

- Follow us on Twitter @withleather
- Follow me personally @MrBrandonStroud and Burnsy @MayorBurnsy
- Like us on Facebook.

Links

Kobe Bryant Teaches Aziz Ansari A Thing Or Two About Success - Basketball players like him don’t grow on trees, and if they did? He’d sell him. Kobe trees! [Smoking Section]

Important: 10 Television Stars You’ll Probably Never See Naked - Dustin has apparently never seen the 1990 Christina Applegate classic Streets. You’ll see all of these people naked, just five or so years after it would’ve mattered to you. Except Jennifer Love Hewitt. You will never see her nude. [Warming Glow]

Courtney Stodden’s Tweets Drawn Hilariously By Anonymous Internet Hero - There is no greater reason to kill yourself than Courtney Stodden’s Twitter account. “Desirous dirt” is pretty funny, though. [UPROXX]

Meme Watch: 2/10, Would Not Bang Is Here To Help - Absolutely shocked that there isn’t already one of these for Kate Upton. Gonna get to work on that. [UPROXX]

6 Series from Image Comics You Should Be Buying (Aside From The Walking Dead) - Is The Savage Dragon on this list? Because if it isn’t, I’m not clicking. It’s probably just 6 comics with “Blood” and “Storm” in the name. [Gamma Squad]

Patton Oswalt Live-Tweets His Oscar Snub - Forget Patton Oswalt, the biggest Oscar snub of all was Sacha Baron Cohen in Hugo. Dude was the best part of Inspector Zenigata and every 80s Nickelodeon cartoon bad guy. [Film Drunk]

You Wanted More MMA Coverage, So Here’s Arianny Celeste In Zoo Magazine - In case you missed it during yesterday’s pro wrestling reports and Kate Upton nipple pics, Arianny Celeste took off her clothes and we shared the pictures. Hooray! [With Leather]

The 27 Best Movies To Not Be Nominated For Best Picture - Some of these are a travesty, but more importantly I want to know who the 6% of paid f**king movie critics are who gave a negative review to Duck Soup. Are you out of your f**king mind? [Buzzfeed]

26 Crazy/Brilliant Life Hacks - Not as good as yesterday’s 26 Crazy/Beautiful Hacks that ggot Kirsten Dunst into debug mode. [HuffPost Comedy]

5 Daughters of Famous People Who Have Been on ‘American Idol’ - Does Pierce Hawthorne’s step-daughter count? [The FW]

8 Epic Movie Moments and the Music that Made Them Great - This just reminds me how mad I was at Sunshine for suddenly forgetting it was a good movie and shoehorning in the villain from Event Horizon. Never gonna get over that. [Unreality]

Welp!

- Follow us on Twitter @withleather
- Follow me personally @MrBrandonStroud and Burnsy @MayorBurnsy
- Like us on Facebook.

Links

The Rearview Mirror: Five MMA Trends We Hope To Have Left Behind In 2011 - I’d like to add one: “hitting Brock Lesnar in the stomach”. That’s just wrong. [Cage Potato]

The 2011 UPROXX People Of The Year Awards - If you just thought Burnsy wrote about sports, get ready to be surprised! He also bestows prestigious awards upon celebrities! [UPROXX]

The 20 Most Important Meme Watches Of 2011 - Idiot nerd girl is great and all, but how did Excited Soccer Kid get left off of this? Or Tebowing, for that matter. [UPROXX]

The Year in Weird: The 10 Most Insane News Stories of 2011 - The Bang Bus guy wins this in a walk, although “Brandon stumbling upon Allie Sin’s five or six mugshots” is my personal number 11. Poor lady. Contact me, I’ll make you some food! [Film Drunk]

The 2011 Finale: The 100 Other Unforgettable Songs We Enjoyed - A joke about Natalie Cole. But no, seriously, UPROXX is knocking these retrospective lists out of the park. [Smoking Section]

5 Video Game Non-Stories We Obsessed Over Too Much in 2011 - I hope “I’m not going to buy Skyrim because it has serious frame-rate issues” is on here. If you have ever said that, I legitimately hate you and will punch you in the face in real life. [Gamma Squad]

R.I.P. All the Terrible Shows (and a Few Good Ones) We Lost in 2011 - Rest in peace, ‘Castle’, we hardly knew ye. (Castle is still on, isn’t it) [Warming Glow]

25 People Who Woke Up On New Year’s Day In A Strange Place - #26, Ashton Kutcher. Woke up in Lea Michele’s apartment, where Pink’s “Raise Your Glass” was playing on loop. [Buzzfeed]

2012 Movie Preview: Big Directors, from Steven Soderbergh to Quentin Tarantino - …from Steven Soderbergh to Quentin Tarantino to Harry Elfont and Deborah Kaplan! Ah sh*t, nobody else liked Can’t Hardly Wait and Josie and the Pussycats as much as me, did they? [Moviefone]

Pajiba’s 10th Annual Top 10 Top 10 Lists of 2011 - Next year they should do the top 10 top 10 top 10 lists and really blow our minds. [Pajiba]

Gross song lyric, Chad.

Links

Nickelback Feels Your Hate And Is Desperately Trying To Win You Over, Internet - “Not making any more music” and “giving me lots of money” are the only two ways I’m going to back Nickelback. [UPROXX]

Grantland Network Podcast: The Masked Man on WWE Survivor Series - David Shoemaker gets a big leagues wrestling podcast, and I’m lucky enough to appear on the first ever episode. Does this mean I’m friends with Bill Simmons by proxy? [Grantland]

The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 11/21 - Hey, go read this and comment on it if you haven’t already. It was good this week. Also, that picture of AJ = holy crap. [With Leather]

The NBA Lockout Is Hurting Prostitution - A joke about LeBron James going to the Miami Heat. Also, less a horrible statement about black people and more a horrible statement about rich people. [Smoking Section]

Errol Morris’s JFK Assassination Short: The Umbrella Man - Gates of Heaven is one of my very favorite movies of all time, so I’ll watch anything Errol Morris does, even if it’s about the goddamn Kennedy assassination again. [Film Drunk]

Want Some Amazing Spider-Man Set Photos? - Sure. Are these the ones where Bryce Dallas Howard is suddenly Gwen Stacy again? [Gamma Squad]

Gordon Ramsay’s Sex Advice - Sex advice from the only person in the world I’d like to have sex with less than Guy Fieri. [Warming Glow]

15 Songs You Always Knew, But Never Knew The Names Of - This is a really fun list, but some are too easy. Like I’m not going to know something that was from 2001 AND was Ric Flair’s entrance theme. Also, “Powerhouse” by Raymond Scott (aka “cartoon assembly line music”) needs to be on the list. [Buzzfeed]

And Now, Some Thanksgiving Stuff

The Shocking Truth About Thanksgiving - Like a Dave Barry column written by the Internet. [Adult Swim]

8 Wacky Presidential Turkey Pardon Moments - If I were President, all I’d do is pardon turkeys. We’d go to war and I couldn’t participate because I’m busy printing out all this bullsh*t paperwork about holiday joshing. [The FW]

What Is The Greatest Thanksgiving Movie Of All Time? - My kneejerk response was “Planes, Trains and Automobiles?” and thank God I was right. Great holiday movies should also be great every-other-day movies. [FARK]

Top 10 Reasons Why Thanksgiving Eve Is the Best Bar Night of the Year - I’m sad I didn’t completely Tucker Max my life and get into bar culture, I feel like I’m missing out on a whole avenue of writer sadness. [BroBible]

Thanksgiving Food Pyramid - My personal Thanksgiving food pyramid goes “canned cranberry sauce, Tofurky roast, that one brand of vegan macaroni and cheese that doesn’t taste like somebody barfed on a plastic tray”. [High Definite]

He looks photoshopped in, doesn’t he?

Metta World Peace née Ron Artest took off to Nevada over the weekend to host a night at the Chateau Nightclub & Gardens at the Paris Hotel on the Las Vegas Strip, and like a lot of Vegas tourists he decided to take in a show. That show happened to be Celine, Celine Dion’s residency performance at The Colosseum at Caesars Palace. Most people who go to that will tweet “went to see Celina Dion in Vegas, liked the show” or “went to see Celina Dion in Vegas, did not like the show” (that one would be me), but not Artest. Here’s the Spark Notes version of what went down:

1. Ron Artest is Ron Artest
2. Ron Artest decides to go see Celine Dion in concert
3. Celine Dion changes Ron Artest’s life
4. Ron Artest gets frustrated that his Twitter followers don’t know who Celine Dion is and think he’s joking
5. Ron Artest has an existential crisis, considers the idea that he might be dumb and is driven to improve himself
6. Ron Artest gets in over his head

The last two days of @RonArtest are succinctly chronicled here for your observation and amusement, and because somebody needed to make a permanent record of this. Please click through to enjoy.

Read the rest of this entry »

Shakira could be the world’s most talented and likeable lady. Sure, I think she sings kinda like a washing machine — on Progressive Boink we once described her as having the “ability to sing like both a Latina schoolgirl and Homsar in the same verse” — but her lower body operates on some amazing blades and pulleys system the average person can’t comprehend. She just arches her back and takes a step forward and suddenly she’s gyrating so ridiculously you could use her ass like the f**king Time Tunnel.

What I’m getting at is that Shakira works on a different level than most, so of course she’s good at golf. Here’s a brief synopsis from our pals at Devil Ball Golf, who manage to say what we’re all thinking:

There’s an awful lot of padding in this video (edit, people! edit!) and you’ve got to be a serious Shakira fan (or stalker) to sit through this whole thing. But give it 30 seconds. I can guarantee you this: any pro golfer who does the Shakira hip-dance after they hole a long putt gets immortalized here on Devil Ball, guaranteed.

All the video needs is Wyclef Jean showing up somewhere in the background to yell “one time one time” and take 50% credit for the golf. Alternate joke: If Shakira is this good at golf, I’m guessing Paulina Rubio can’t Putt-Putt for sh*t.