"And I figured, why just destroy my legacy? Why not the Simpson name forever?"

It has been 17 years since a California jury declared that former Buffalo Bills running back OJ Simpson was not guilty of murdering his ex-wife Nicole Brown and her dude bro, Ronald Goldman. And despite the irreparable damage that this one trial did to the last two decades of California “justice” against celebrity criminals, we have not stopped talking about it, because it has just always been that remarkable.

Well put on your “Oh you’ve got to be f*cking kidding me” faces, because there is a new “development” in the case, and by development I mean that some dude realized that there’s still cash to be milked from this saggy teat. Private investigator William C. Dear has a new book, OJ is Innocent and I Can Prove It, and he claims that he knows who the real killer is… OJ’s son.

Everybody all together now!

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David Martin, president and general manager of new independent baseball Frontier League team the London Rippers, doesn’t understand why people think he named the team after Jack the Ripper, the infamous serial killer who raped and murdered prostitutes. I mean, this is London Ontario, not London England, for crying out loud, and the mascot in the logo wearing a 19th-century top hat named “Jack” for your team called the “Rippers” is purely coincidental. And the prostitute who had her abdomen sliced open and uterus removed by Dave Martin during the team’s first press conference? Well now you’re just reaching for straws!

He said any association with Jack the Ripper is all a misunderstanding.

“I could have made it another fluffy animal that every other teams seems to do,” he said, adding he wanted to do something “edgy.”

The team logo shows Jack wearing a black top hat and trench coat that covers most of his face, except for his eyes. Martin says the connection to Jack the Ripper never came up when the logo was designed.

The best part of Jack the Actual Ripper never coming up during the creation of his team is the slogan at the top of their promotional posters: “Lurking in LaBatt park this spring …”

Come on, Dave, seriously? You can take the “we wanted to be edgy” route and name your team the Rippers as a statement against the extreme sensitivity of the modern sports attitude, but those posters might as well have Troll Gaze on them. They should reprint them with “Literally gutting you and removing your entrails in a dark alleyway because you’re a woman this spring …”

I’m going to start a Minor League team in Austin called the “Dahmers”, put a frozen cat head with a human penis jammed in its ear on my logo and spend the next six months issuing press statements that read, “heh, come on, get a life”.

[via London Free Press, h/t to Fark Sports]

Links

Smell Their Feet: The Greatest Child Halloween Costumes That Will Ever Show Up At Your Door - If a child showed up to my door dressed as Sho Nuff (or Bruce Leroy, as long as I could tell it apart from a Game of Death costume) I’d give them ALL of my candy, plus whatever candy I could afford for the next year. [UPROXX]

Our Favorite Photos From Zombie Walk Toronto 2011 - “Our favorite photos” is so funny to me, like Robopanda is flipping through a bunch of polaroids going, “Well, I LIKE this one, but I don’t know if I love it.” (Hi, Robopanda) [Gamma Squad]

Frotcast 71: Spielberg, Voice Mails, Rum Diary, More Seagal or Porn Star - I’m going to debut our podcast at some point in November or die trying. [Film Drunk]

The Dugout: Jim Thome’s Back(yard) - In case you missed it yesterday, here’s a Dugout everybody likes because it has almost nothing to do with baseball. Comment on this thing! [The Dugout]

T.I. And Chelsea Handler Rekindle Their Late Night Magic - The “teen who wants to sleep with his friend’s Mom” in me really enjoys Chelsea Handler. Fantasy threesome: me, Chelsea Handler, Laura Prepon dressed as Chelsea Handler. [Smoking Section]

Meme Watch: Pick Up Line Panda Is Striking Out - Maybe Pick Up Line Panda should outfit himself with the latest technology from Cybertronics. Hi again, Robopanda. [UPROXX]

14 Punctuation Marks That You Never Knew Existed - I know that “schwah” isn’t punctuation, technically, but I hope it’s on here somewhere. [Buzzfeed]

Adult Swim’s Abstract Costume Corner - I don’t work at Adult Swim, but in my mind it’s just Bob Odenkirk and Starburns sitting in an office rolling their eyes while the interns come up with stuff like this and put it online. [Adult Swim]

Freddy Krueger Edges Out Samara Morgan In A Poll For The Scariest Horror Movie Character - You guys think I’m a pro wrestling hipster, wait until you hear my opinions about movies. Samara Morgan? Seriously? Yeah, I’m deathly terrified of your photoshop filters, guys. [FARK]

Regis Strips For Snooki - Regis shouldn’t be doing anything for Snooki. Nobody should be doing things for Snooki. Get it together, America. [AOL TV]

5 Bizarre Killing Sprees That Never Got Solved - An alternate title for “Regis Strips For Snooki”. [The Smoking Jacket]

The 50 Most Successful Box Office Stars of All Time in North America - Jim Varney is on here somewhere, right? He went to camp AND jail AND was scared so much it made him stuipd. [Pajiba]

Turning Movie Posters Into Cartoons - I don’t know why the Tazmanian Devil is in The Illusionist, but it instantly improves that film. [Unreality]

The new American Dream is all about getting famous for something awful or accidental, then milking it for the rest of your life. This is why Tay Zonday is doing Dr. Pepper commercials and the Octopus Mother is octo-boxing. Casey Anthony took a similar path — she (allegedly) tossed her three-year old out with the afternoon garbage and got away with it, so now everything she does and everything she wears is news and of great import. The Warren, Ohio, native is often photographed wearing Ohio State Buckeyes gear (most famously in a pre-baby murder photo shoot and most recently courtesy of TMZ), so much so that even Ohio State had to issue a statement about it:

“We are never surprised to see Buckeye pride displayed across the world. Buckeye hoodies and hats have traditionally been spotted across the world, and we understand that as a result, our logo will be seen in a wide range of news situations, whether positive or negative.”

Well, Ohio State might not care, but the state of Ohio has had enough. Its more reputable citizens (Columbus area radio disc jockeys) are taking a stand, offering to bribe Anthony to take off their school colors and making sure their stupid college football rivalries are the most important part. Via WNCI:

The Dave and Jimmy Show offered up to $10,000 to Anthony to take off the Ohio State University hat and wear Michigan attire.

Jimmy Jam believed the TMZ video showed her at the Old Navy store at the Lennox Town Center on Olentangy River Road. Store officials refused to comment, 10TV News reported.

And if you see Nancy Grace, tell her we said “Duh Huh,” she’ll know what you mean.

Good old Morning Zoo guys, you can always count on them to put things in the proper perspective. I guess with the Texas Longhorns V. Oklahoma Sooners rivalry evolving into knifefights, Ohio State/Michigan had to try and murder somebody. You can watch a video of the offer below or work from your own plans, which should be “don’t give Casey Anthony prizes for doing things”. I wonder why they disabled comments?

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O.J. Simpson has just confessed to the murder of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. To quote our own Burnsy, “I’m so shocked that I can’t even make a fart noise.” In the never-before-seen alternate ending to 1995, Simpson confessed to a producer for Oprah Winfrey and is going to re-confess to Oprah herself in a televised interview. Are they going to tape it from inside of Al Capone’s vault? How did I get here? This is not my beautiful dead wife.

This is a huge story for anybody who lived through the American ’90s, although the breaking NESN report on the situation contains one little line that might ruin it all:

Several news outlets are citing the National Enquirer with breaking the news.

This is the same source that told me Satan’s face was in the 9/11 smoke, so I’m not going to get too excited about it until O.J. is in LeBron’s Decision Chair, sobbing to Oprah about how sorry he is for dimming the star of Ron Goldman, holding his face in his hands while wearing some ill-fitting Isotoners. Oh, and I forgot the best part.

Simpson claimed he stabbed Nicole in self-defense.

There you have it, everybody. O.J. did it, but only after his battered ex-wife tried to kill him first, in her own home, while technically still on a date with somebody else. Somewhere up in Heaven, Johnnie Cochran is flipping the hell out and flipping over tables.

Edit: Aaaaaaand we’re fake! A report from The Hollywood Reporter (about Hollywood) says the Enquirer name drop is bogus, and the best we can hope for now is one of those Blake Lively “we wanted to show you her boobs by accident, but not this soon” situations.

Despite a National Enquirer report that Simpson confessed from prison to murdering ex wife Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, a rep for Harpo tells The Hollywood Reporter, “That’s not true.”

Maybe O.J. is twittering from prison and will read all of this, and do the right thing (for money).

It was 15 years ago yesterday that California’s judicial system first openly told the rest of the world: “If you’re a celebrity and you like to commit serious felonies then move here!” On October 3, 1995, Orenthal James “The Bus Driver” Simpson was found not guilty of murdering his ex-wife Nicole Brown-Simpson and her lover, Ronald Goldman. A very diligent and incorruptible defense team was able to prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that O.J. had nothing to do with stabbing two people in a blind rage. And through that verdict, race relations in America were never better.

They say that the O.J. Simpson verdict is one of those events that you’ll always remember what you were doing when it happened, like the Kennedy assassination or Snooki getting punched. But I really don’t remember what I was doing on that day. It was 1995, so I was probably dry humping the girl who lived down the street. Or I was bribing the gas station guy to give me a case of St. Ide’s Special Brew for $100. Hooray for not understanding money as a teenager!

Reflections of the star of the Naked Gun trilogy and the only good thing to ever happen to the Buffalo Bills after the jump.

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