One of my professional goals is to make an appearance on Sesame Street and teach Grover the difference between two obvious things he should’ve organically learned about at some point over the last forty years. Sadly there isn’t a lot of room for bloggers on children’s programming (“hey kids, this is the difference between CREDITING your source and claiming you ARE the source, even if you just typed ‘cheerleaders’ into Flickr!” etc.), so here’s a clip of New York Knicks Carmelo Anthony and Amar’e Stoudemire living that dream for me.
Watch as they teach Grover what it is to “compare”. Carmelo can shoot the ball into the basket. Amar’e can shoot the ball into the basket. Grover can shoot the ball… way below the basket. They should’ve had Patrick Ewing walk on and say, “I can also shoot the ball way below the basket”.
I feel like he should’ve just transformed into Super Grover and started traveling all over the place. Super Grover is too popular for traveling calls.
They should bring on Stephon Marbury and have him call Elmo a sellout for doing the “Elmo’s World” segment instead of talking to kids on the street.
- Comments on these reports have been down lately, due in part to our new comments section requiring registration and due in another part to me writing 600,000,000 words about wrestling and not getting it up until four in the afternoon, but go ahead and leave us a comment if you aren’t a total jerk. Leave us one even if you are. I’d appreciate it. I like talking to you about the wrestling.
- AJ picture in the intro is not necessary because she’s actually on the show this week, and oh man you guys is she ever on the show.
- WARNING: I like the Muppets a lot, so if you’re one of those “meh, the Muppets” types, I don’t understand you and we should make that clear now. For more information on me and Muppets, please consult the 50 Greatest Muppets list I helped write at Progressive Boink a few years ago. This happened on an Internet before slideshows, so you should be able to enjoy it without trauma. When you’re done with that, read the second half of it.
The best game ever. I hope you’re just a high-def remake of San Andreas, GTA 5.
Grand Theft Auto 5 Trailer Announced - AY CESAR, THE YAY LEAVIN’ SAN FIERRO, RIGHT. Right, but they’re using bikes, CJ, and they go cross country! [Gamma Squad]
The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 10/24 Live From Austin, Texas - I know I know, it’s the post below this one, but our new commenting system has severely limited the number of times an anonymous person can comment with “john cena gay”, so we need you to head down there and read it and talk to us about it. Us meaning me. [With Leather]
The Best And Worst Of WWE Vengeance 2011 - But wait! Before you do that, read Monday’s report about Sunday night’s show. The ring collapsed and Jerry Lawler said he’d never seen anything like it, except when it happened previously. [With Leather]
Bring ACH To Beyond Wrestling - If you live on the East Coast, love pro wrestling (or want it to be better than it is) and have a few extra bucks, donate to the cause of bringing one of the best young wrestlers in the world to where you can see him perform. ACH is the f**king bomb, and should be a TV millionaire already. [Indie Gogo]
This Week in Posters: Twilight, Muppets, and Diagonals Oh My! -Puss In Boots would be so much more appealing if it was called LE CHAT POTTE over here. That’s also what I call my drug-humor AOL parody. [Film Drunk]
The 1992 Dream Team In Action (Figures) - Pretty sure the most heterosexual thing about me is how much I love the 1992 Dream Team. [Smoking Section]
First Look At Scarlett Johansson As An Alien - I was really excited when I clicked this, but it turns out the “alien” is just “Scarlett Johansson not looking as good as she usually does because of bad clothes and a worse wig”. Good job with your alien movie, guys. [Gamma Squad]
More Halloween Episodes, Please - The genre peaked with ‘Roseanne’ and ‘Martin’, but I’m willing to accept new works in the medium. [Warming Glow]
Fully Functional Nikon Camera Halloween Costume - Pretty cool, and guaranteed to be talked about almost as much as the one hot girl who just wore underwear outdoors and didn’t even buy cat ears. [Buzzfeed
The 18 Worst Wide-Release Opening Weekends of 2011 - Most of these aren't a surprise, and if you supported Judy Moody or her Not Bummer Summer you're a bad person. The climax of that movie is someone eating a poop sandwich. [Moviefone]
Which of These Five Hollywood Subjects Sold Out the Hardest? - I always thought that if someone can refer to you as a “Hollywood subject”, you’re already sold out. [Pajiba]
87 Year-Old Man Arrested with 228 Pounds of Cocaine - Now let’s flash back to when he was a young man and find out how he got here! [The Daily What]
Censored Zelda Will Make You Laugh Against Your Will - The title is right. I hate fake censoring jokes, but even I laughed when Zelda called that guy a f**k. [Unreality]
The Gentlemen’s Rant: Hipsters - Someone put this site out of its misery. If you like Tim Allen on TV in 2011 style “everyone who isn’t fat and boring and middle-American like me is wrong” humor, you’ll love this. Attention “average guys tellin’ it like it is” — you are the least funny people in the world. [NextRound]
- Before you read this week’s Best and Worst of WWE Raw, be sure to read the Best And Worst Of WWE Vengeance 2011, the pay-per-view event from Sunday night. Yes, they had another one. No, I’m not sure why. It was pretty good, though.
- If you read the report, we’d appreciate your comments, likes, Facebook shares, Twitter retweet, Googles plus, re-Tumbls and AOL 3.0 Buddy Profile links. We’ve got a cool new commenting system, so try it out. This one’s long as Hell, and could use your voice at the bottom.
- As mentioned in the Vengeance report, nobody won our Vengeance predictions contest (you didn’t have to say “Mark Henry will break the ring”, no contest or a draw or whatever would’ve been fine) so I think we’re going to push it to Survivor Series. Either that or I’m going to give it and award it to Upstate Underdog, because he always leaves us comments.
- If you checked the report earlier and the pages weren’t all here, things should be up in total now. So get in there and refresh, and click on all of our ads, should you be the one weird person who does that. AJ (pictured right) was not on this show, but I’ve included her picture here as a gesture of good faith.
Anyway, enjoy the Best and Worst of me, live at Raw.
KANA, Sara Del Rey, and my heart somewhere in the middle.
The Wrestling Podcast: Brandon Stroud II - In my second TWP appearance I talk WWE walkout stats, compare Anarchy Championship Wrestling’s ACH to Childish Gambino, discuss how and why we hate Brian Wilson and talk up the importance of fat guys in pro graps. Also, I love those women in the header, and you can sorta tell. [The Wrestling Blog]
Childish Gambino – “All The Shine” - Speaking of, I am excited for “Camp”, and you don’t have to explain the French cinema references. [The Smoking Section]
Remedial Chaos Theory - Speaking of speaking of, last night’s episode of ‘Community’ was incredible, so if you missed it, watch it here. Six times. [NBC]
Surprise, Guy Fieri Is A Total Dick - In the least shocking news of the year, America’s Worst Food Person is anti-Semitic and scared of gay people. I guess the spiked blonde hair and the sunglasses and the bowling shirts and the chain wallets and the throwing up of horns weren’t good enough indicators. [Warming Glow]
Who Voltron’d It Better? - Voltron is one of those things I always hoped would still be available when I became a hot shot movie director. That doesn’t seem to be working out for me, but … uh, anybody on the UPROXX network secretly VP at Sony or something? [Gamma Squad]
The New Muppets Trailer Makes Me Happy - …even if they’ve got to add a bunch of farts to get 2011′s kids to see it. Puppet Dracula from Forgetting Sarah Marshall had better make a cameo in this somewhere. [Filmdrunk]
The 10 Finest Pop Culture Charts From Dan Meth’s Pop Culture Charts Series - That “Trilogy Meter” is so wrong I can’t even begin to explain it. Jurassic Park is only about as good as the original X-Men? Are you on drugs? [UPROXX]
Hot Potato Gallery: Model/Grappler Monique Minton - When I grow up, I want to be a “model/grapper”. [Cage Potato]
Sports Cards For Insane People: Fleer Pro-Visions - Yeah, not going to pretend I have any f**king idea what the hell is going on on these cards. [SBN]
Sean Taylor Memorial Meast Of The Week/Jeff George Memorial least Of The Week: Week 5 - Easily the best photoshop ever added to the top of an UPROXX Network post. Everything that happens in the NFL should relate to Super Mario Kart in some way. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
The Drew League Vs. Goodman League Game: Only The Highlights - I feel like sub-NBA basketball leagues (or “directly-to-the-right-of the NBA leagues”, I don’t really know how they’re organized) might be the most fun thing ever. It’s just guys dunking and people going OHHHHHHHH. It’s like how video games want basketball to be. [The Smoking Section]
Knockout Of The Week: Flying Switch Kick - The only way this could be better is if Marcus Lelo Aurelios had set his leg on fire before doing it. I want to start knocking out strangers like this. Just yell FLYING SWITCH KICK BOOM and lay them out. [Cage Potato]
Vegetarian Pig Slop And Heat Wave Rasslin - In case you missed it yesterday, here’s my recap of Anarchy Championship Wrestling’s Sunday show featuring the Portia Perez reference you didn’t get in the Best and Worst of Raw. If you like Best and Worst, read this, because it is almost exclusively “best”. [The Wrestling Blog]
This Is The Trailer For The Postmortal - Drew Magary is doing it right. I published a novel a few years ago and it was a weird little aside to growing up in religious central Virginia. Drew writes something and it’s a “frightening population-bomb dystopia”. Holy sh**, how do I get somebody to call my writing that? [KSK]
The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 8/22 - Quick version: John Cena might actually be gay, Kelly Kelly is wandering around out here for no reason and WWE is exactly like Dragonball Z. Okay, that version is actually way more confusing than the long one. Anyway, go read this and comment, would you? [With Spandex]
Gallery: The Homeless World Cup - I’m with Burnsy, the Homeless World Cup doesn’t look very homeless. I want to be homeless in Paris, that sounds awesome. Look at me, I’m a romanticized young white adult! [With Leather]
The Dugout: SFinal Destination - Yesterday we finished up Bill Hanstock’s special guest writer Dugout series about the San Francisco Giants and their penchant for going on the DL, so give the strip a re-read in its entirety. Yes, Jorge Posada’s screen name is pretty awesome. [Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3]
Gallery: Wet Cheerleaders - I’m just going to stop putting “Joe Namath” in the title so you’ll go look at it. There are wet volleyball cheerleader butts in this, in case you haven’t looked. [With Leather]
This Is A Triumph: Live-Action Portal Short Film - I’m making a note here: huge success. It’s hard to overstate my satisfaction. Although if this was a REAL Portal movie, Chell would be played by an orange, blonde 40-year old and GLaDOS would be a manipulative dude in a suit. [Gamma Squad]
Will And Jada Are Getting Divorced - When reached for comment, Will Smith asked “why she ain’t want me, man”. [Film Drunk]
Bret Michaels And Donald Trump May Team Up For Reality Show - It’s like going to your comic book store and finding out there’s a new Marvel Team-Up, but it’s like Cloak and Dagger and one of the New Warriors. And not even Nova, I’m talking Night Thrasher. [Warming Glow]
OK Go Cover “The Muppet Show” Theme - OK Go is a cool website that adds forgettable music to wacky viral videos. Wait, that’s not what this is? [UPROXX]