Wait, no they aren’t.

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Links

It’s Time To Debunk The Myth Of The Tim Tebow Comeback - No it isn’t, Tim Tebow is God’s special little angel and he can come back from anything. [Smoking Section]

College Basketball’s Best Names 2011-12 Edition - Bak Bak is still making me laugh 20 minutes later. I want to adopt a basketball star and name him Dscheing’sga Lordloveshymm. [It's Always Sunny In Detroit]

Radio-Free FilmDrunk: Celebrating Hollywood’s Love Affair With The Cold War - A great feature from Burnsy about the glory days of film, when you could have a guy with evil Soviet eyebrows and everyone could go “oh man f**k that guy” without expectations of tolerance. I sorta miss evil Russia. [Film Drunk]

Goths Up Trees Is Necessary Because There Are So Many Goths Up So Many Trees - Also known as “guys Brandon hates and girls he’d probably try to sleep with”. Goth guys always look like someone from The Princess Bride. [UPROXX]

The Black Keys Trash Nickelback In Rolling Stone, Because Why Not, Right? - It’s weird that musicians can’t say “Nickelback is a terrible band” without sounding like the most pretentious d-bags ever. Nickelback IS terrible, just say so without dragging your cigarette and blowing smoke into your Village loft. [UPROXX]

Old Grandma Hardcore Returns to Play Skyrim - It’s like watching the most offensive, inhuman Gates Of Heaven ever. I love how she’s playing two games at once: Skyrim and “keep my own gross mouth moist”. [Gamma Squad]

ROFLMNBAO: The Best Of This Week’s NBA In Pictures - Don’t sleep on Hipster A-Rod, folks. That’s also good advice for Torrie Wilson. [With Leather]

Five TV Shows As Offensive as ‘Work It’ - ‘The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer’ always reminds me fondly of the Clerks cartoon. Also, the hilarity of slavery. [Warming Glow]

52 Examples Why Florida Is Still The Craziest State - Example 53: I worked at an Applebee’s there for like an entire year. [Buzzfeed]

12 Cute Animals To Watch In 2012 - Even more Owling than the goths in trees bit. [The FW]

TV’S 25 GREATEST MULLETS - IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS. WHO IS THE GREATEST TELEVISION MULLET, BESIDES SEASON ONE UNCLE JESSE I MEAN. AND/OR BEAUTIFUL BOBBY EATON. BESIDES THEM. [Huffpost TV]

Sh*t White Girls Say To Black Girls - Also funny: this lady’s Nicki Minaj Christmas cards. Beware the comments on the video, though, I don’t think you can be a black person and safely use YouTube. [The High Definite]

If Star Wars Was Noir Wars - I’m guessing at least 5% of our national budget goes to funding dudes who sit around and keep trying to come up with ways to parody Star Wars. Seriously, how many more ways can you POSSIBLY parody Star Wars? It’s porn! It’s noir! What would it look like if Robert Altman directed Star Wars? Blerg! [Unreality]

Pensacola, Florida, is set to host a brand new Double-A Affiliate of The Cincinnati Reds in 2012. Pensacola Professional Baseball (who are making a huge mistake) has selected the top six finalists for the club’s Name the Team contest, and fans are voting for their favorite through May 14. Some of the choices are what you’d expect from the Minor Leagues, like the Redbones (symbolizing the “dog days of summer” and “doggone fun,” respectively), the Aviators, the Salty Dogs and the Loggerheads.

Unfortunately one of the choices is especially cute, and we may end up with another Butthead Memorial Auditorium on our hands.

Mullets

- Mullets are one of Pensacola’s most popular fish, as well as a fun, wacky team name Minor League Baseball is known for. Mullets stand for the fun, off-the-wall entertainment fans can expect at Maritime Park next season and beyond.

Read the rest of this entry »

Sorry ladies, but Jared Allen is off the market. The 6-foot-6 Minnesota Vikings defensive end recently married the luckiest woman on the planet (totally a hetero man crush, I promise) and the newlyweds spent some time in Italy for their honeymoon. Allen spilled the beans about his exploits to Dan Patrick and it’s as awesome as you would expect it to be. Mainly because it didn’t feature one mention of Brett Favre. Just kidding.

Allen talked about everything from his wedding song to Favre declining to attend his wedding (*cough* d*ckhead *cough*) but the best details regarded his poolside attire while lounging with his wife in the Amalfi Coast of Italy. He claims he wore his Vikings jersey, except with some modifications – basically, he made it into a cutoff. And he wore a Speedo.

Time for some manscaping, Sports Illustrated:

Read the rest of this entry »

Here’s Vikings defensive lineman Jared Allen discussing the virtues of his mullet in one of those NFL Players videos, and I honestly can’t tell if dude is working a tongue-in-cheek angle or he’s dead serious.

We have have chest hair, even if it is shaped like a heart, which is pretty tight. But that’s the lifestyle of the mullet. I approach you from the front, you’re like, “Wow, this dude’s pretty serious.” Then I walk away; you’re like, “Damn, he likes to party…with two Rs!”

It’s mighty, and the fact that they made the video in a barber shop, where he had lines shaved into only one side of his head is pretty amazing. He’s like the white Chad Johnson, except actually good. Video’s after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

Chiefs defensive end Jared Allen leads the AFC with 8 sacks and was just named the conference's Defensive Player of the Month.  The secret to his success?  His totally sweet mullet.   Here are excerpts from the press conference on NFL.com.

Reporter: …Does this feel pretty good though, that you've come through all that stuff, that you've kept your nose down and kept playing football and done the deal? [Great question, Woodward -Ed.]
Allen: Definitely.  I can't take credit for it.  It's all the mullet, man.  This thing has just absolutely been taking over my life…  People are like, "Dang, look at that guy's hair, it is sweet!  And that'll lull 'em to sleep, and I take advantage of 'em.
Reporter: …So if you want to be successful–
Allen: Grow a mullet.  Obviously.  Because up here [motions to forehead], this says "success."  And in the back, it says "party."  I mean, which one do you want?  Who's comin' to the table?  They don't know.

It's not a perfect transcription, because my secretary quit and I had to do it myself.  She couldn't handle the strict With Leather dress code: I'm the boss, so pants are optional.  And she was the co-ed looking for college credit, so she was subject to my whims.  And I don't think a low-cut blouse, pinstripe miniskirt, and lacy thigh-highs are too much to ask.  I mean, what is this, the '90s?  I thought we got past the whole feminism thing.

Huh?  Jared who?  Oh, the football guy with the mullet?  Yeah he's okay.

[More at Arrowhead Addict] 

To dovetail a little off of yesterday's coverage of the We Are Marshall chat, here's a nice picture of Billy Ray Cyrus that the M Zone dug up.

My God, but that mullet is chilling. What kind of animal is that? Is that a beaver pelt?

In my heart, I don't want this picture to represent the Marshall fan base. The state of West Virginia gets a bad rap, and I kinda like the Marshall QB's who have survived in the NFL, like Byron Leftwich and Chad Pennington. But deep down, I know that this picture is just as representative as that photo of A-Rod in a Duke t-shirt. Think about it: Mullet… T-shirt with the sleeves cut off… lousy country singer… We are! Marshallllll!!! 

It's just too bad the mullet wasn't in that plane crash.