Few things gets us Interweb bloggy types more fired up than when an athlete gets arrested, as it gives us a chance to be indignant, poignant and self-righteous if that athlete hurt another person (or worse) or it allows us to make endless jokes at that athlete’s expense. More than anything, I think we love when athletes get arrested because they give us awful mugshots, like the Todd Helton YOLO face seen above.
How exactly did Helton’s consistent bat land him in the police blotter this week? *makes drinking motion with hand, pinky out* Allegedly.
The 10 Freakiest Commercials of 2011 - That ‘Dead Island’ announcement trailer really is fantastic, and I wish any part of the actual game was as good as it. Also, I want somebody to make a Skyrim trailer like this with a guy taking an arrow in the knee in reverse, ending with him as an adventurer like me. [Warming Glow]
The Robert Downey Jr. Acting Venn Diagram - I feel like Chaplin should be in here somewhere. [UPROXX]
This Week in Posters: Battleships, Ghost Riders, & Spider-Men - The funniest thing I’m going to see all week is another goddamn Spider-Man origin story advertised as “untold”. Starving kids in Africa know Spider-Man’s origin, just shut up and make him fight Electro. [Film Drunk]
Four Theories on Why the Internet Has Such a Massive Almost Unexplainable Crush on Alison Brie - Nice science, Pajiba. She’s a gorgeous woman who seems nice and she has big boobs, end of experiment. [Pajiba]
Observe The Phanatic In Its Natural Habitat - I didn’t want this to get bumped completely off the page yet, because it’s one of the best things I’m ever going to share with you. [With Leather]
Before Hollywood Ruins Them: 15 Sci-Fi and Supernatural Scripts On The 2011 Black List - Somebody throw Seven Hill City on there, I’ve almost convinced people to just come film it guerrilla style in Austin. [Gamma Squad]
Waka Flocka On Wiz Khalifa’s Success: “All Hype” - Also, payola. [Smoking Section]
Christina Hendricks Is Johnnie Walker’s New Internet Sales Rep - hey christina, your boobs would look a lot better if you didn’t smash them against your chest and throttle yourself with them [UPROXX]
Stop Whatever You’re Doing And Watch This Video Of Dogs Hanging Out Of Car Windows - Seriously, do that. [UPROXX]
The 45 Best Mugshots Of 2011 - The 100 Best Buzzfeed Lists Of Things That Happened In 2011 2011. [Buzzfeed]
OCD Dog Hates When Kitchen Cabinets Are Left Open - I need this dog, I’ve got some Sixth Sense shit happening in my house. [The FW]
7 Things to Watch for From the Golden Globe and SAG Nominations - #1: whether or not anybody actually watched Hugo, because it is better than anything being nominated. [Moviefone]
A Gallery of Classic 8-Bit Mashups from Drew Wise - He’s the guy that designed the potato chips bags! [Unreality]
Raiders starting middle linebacker Rolando McClain has been arrested in his hometown of Decatur, Alabama, for allegedly assaulting an individual, holding a gun to his head and firing a shot next to his ear.
But probably the only thing you’re going to notice is that epic, cheesy, socially-uncomfortable photo of him being led into a police car captioned “McClain smiles for the camera after he was arrested by Decatur police”.
As the story goes, the victim got into a fight with a guy named Jerradius Willingham and, by proxy, McClain. He lost. As he was crawling to his car, McClain held a gun to the guy’s head and made him beg for his life. Instead of blowing his brains out, McClain held the gun next to the victim’s ear and fired it. He’s been charged with discharging a firearm within city limits, third degree assault, menacing and reckless endangerment. It’s the second time this year he’s been present when shots were fired. He’s 22. That’s the picture he took as he was being arrested. It’s funny, yeah, but Jesus.
“I didn’t do anything and am being treated stupidly by these policemen” is the only reason I can see to pose like Norbit in your arrest photo. If he seriously held a gun to another human being’s head and tried to blow out his ear drum because he thought it’d be funny AND posed like this as he was being taken away he is beyond f**ked. Maybe not professionally, a topic that requires tons of editorial columns to assess and over-analyze, but personally and in his physical brain he is f**ked.
What Tim Tebow Is Saying While He’s Tebowing - “Jesusly” is an adjective (adverb?) I’m going to start using daily. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
40 Awesomely Nerdy License Plates - Yesterday I saw a truck with Texas plates that just said “EARTH”. Who signs up for vanity plates and is all, “you know what? Make it say EARTH”. And “Texas EARTH” for that matter. [Gamma Squad]
Mickey Rourke: “Most Actresses Are C*nts With A Capital K.” - Aside from that remark, this interview is awesome. How did you prepare? I showed up, and there were hot chicks. If his face didn’t look like that, he’d be my hero. [Film Drunk]
Not Everyone Thinks Highly Of Beats By Dre Headphones - Great, now he’s going to push back the release date and feel sorry for himself for a few years. [Smoking Section]
The Best Of #Buster Bluth - He’s a monster. [UPROXX]
Jason Segel and the Muppets Are Welcome to Host ‘SNL’ Any Time - Kermit touching his belly on the “Really” part of Weekend Update is my new favorite thing. I genuinely care more about Kermit than I do most celebrities. [Warming Glow]
Arnold Schwarzenegger Should Do DVD Commentary For Every Movie Ever - This is where I link you to Gamma Squad, and you go there and watch the video about Arnold Schwarzenegger. [Gamma Squad]
The Greatest Mugshot Ever - Our generation in a nutshell, people. [Buzzfeed]
Food Shoved Into Other Food - And bring us the finest food you’ve got stuffed with the second finest. [Adult Swim]
Awesomely Geeky Couple Poses for ‘Star Wars’ Engagement Photos - Sorry, no part of this is awesome. Star Wars scientifically cannot be awesome in 2011. It’s ruined, guys, go watch Babylon 5. [The FW]
Magazine Celebrates 50 Cent’s Five Different Personalities - I guess when he changes clothes it’s a different personality? [Popcrush]
20 Awesome Title Graphic GIF’s of 16 and 8-Bit Games - Super awesome. This is how we should be spending our time. (although I guess that leads to situations like the mugshot, doesn’t it) [Unreality]
If you’re like me you spend a lot of time concerned about the love lives of the world’s wealthiest professional athletes. Like, Tiger Woods, for instance, who was callously dumped by his wife Elin Nordegren last year all because he “had sex” with “a bunch of whores”. Whatever happened to “’til death do us part”, Elin?
Well if you’re worried about El Tigre, don’t be. Because he’s back on the horse, and by horse I mean he’s banging dating a 22-year old girl now. The girl in question is Alyse Lahti, daughter of former St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Jeff Lahti and a volleyball star at the University of New Hampshire. And yes, that is Alyse in the Proactiv ad mugshot to the right. She was arrested for DUI last year in my beloved Orange County, Florida.
Which begs the question – She lives in Orlando and I live in Orlando, she likes to drink and I like to drink, so why aren’t we dating? Is it the fact that I’m not a billionaire professional athlete? Wow, that’s pretty shallow, Alyse. And to think I was going to let you sleep in my With Leather t-shirt.
If you’re into Facebook stalking, you can check out more photos of Alyse at the Palm Beach Post. But I try to respect a girl’s privacy. Except in public restrooms.