Educated sportswriter opinion: The Buffalo Bills will easily beat the Bengals. That game happens tonight, right?

Links

When Will Disgusting Fan Treatment Of Female Sportswriters Stop? - When the female sportswriters get hotter, am I right guys? Up high! But no, seriously, Fans Of Things need to stop being such ridiculous troglodytes about everything ever. [The Postgame]

We Like To Think It Happened Like This: Delonte West Finally Got A New Job - In case you missed this on Friday, give it a read. Burnsy is funny as hell, and I’m happy he’s got an In Real Life job, because if he didn’t, he’d have mine. [With Leather]

Words Cannot Express How Much I Want A Hobbes Stuffed Animal - DESPERATELY WANTING. I agree with the sentiment of the article, too (that buying one defies Watterson’s wishes), but Jesus. [Gamma Squad]

Well Now It Makes Sense - Were you aware that the creators of “South Park” do drugs? Did that ever cross your mind? [Warming Glow]

Read Ron Swanson’s Diary From His Time In The Woods Hiding From Tammy 1 - I think what I like so much about Parks and Rec is how comfortable I feel watching it. I don’t ever have those “why am I still watching this” moments like I do with “The Office”, or those “OH GOD NO GOD NO” moments I have watching Whitney. [UPROXX]

Two Black Swan Interns Sue Studio, Misunderstand Concept of “Intern” - Maybe it’s just one intern with two personalities! [Film Drunk]

NYPD Message To Women: Keep Wearing Skirts If You Want To Get Raped - Not the kind of thing you want to click on on a Monday morning, but something you should read and see. My message to cops: try to be good cops, for once in your f**king lives. [Buzzfeed]

Anna Faris and the Sexiest Comediennes in Movies - I think allowing yourself to be called a “comedienne” is the first step to unsexiness. [Moviefone]

Melissa Gorga Clarifies: I Wasn’t a Stripper (Just a Bikini Bartender) - Sure, that’s what every girl who dances at a strip club but doesn’t want to admit it on the Internet says. [AOL TV]

Miles the Great Dane is not so great at getting out of tubs - Yes he is. He is doing a great job. [The Daily What]

The Best Face Tattoo Mug Shots (So Far) of 2011 - smdh at you, everyone but me. [Brobible]

That handsome devil to the right is Frank Tanori Gonzalez, who used to work for Cox Communications in Tucson, Arizona. He has a mug shot now because he’s been arrested for allegedly being the guy who was responsible for a porn clip being mixed into the 2009 Super Bowl broadcast. If you don’t live in Arizona and have to suffer through Comcast, here’s what happened:

• Kurt Warner threw a bullet to Larry Fitzgerald late in the fourth quarter against the Pittsburgh Steelers.

• Fitzy took off like a bat out of heck for the seemingly victorious touchdown.

• Everybody was going batsh*t crazy because they thought the Arizona Cardinals had won.

• Then Evan Stone whipped his dong out and started slapping it around for some girl whose father wishes he was dead.

• Then Fox showed a replay of Fitzy scoring.

It is believed that Gonzalez pulled the prank as part of some cable provider grudge, because he worked for Cox and the company had to filter the game to its rival Comcast. Then it took authorities two years to catch him because they were blinded by the bleach they poured in their eyes from looking at Evan Stone’s penis.

(Via Gizmodo, which also offers a terribly NSFW reminder. Thanks to anti-Evan Stone Robopanda for the tip.)

Iowa City police officers were conducting an investigation on 21-year old Brady Johnson near the University of Iowa this week when they uncovered quite the Hawkeyes football scandal. Police had already suspected Brady as a possible drug dealer, but they ended up arresting his roommate, Derrell Johnson-Koulianos (no relation). DJK, as Iowa fans love to call him, is the all-time leading receiver in Hawkeye football history, and now he’s facing drug charges, too.

DJK admitted to police that he had been using marijuana and cocaine, as well as many prescription drugs that were seized, all of which was later confirmed by a drug test. He also admitted that he was aware that Brady may have been selling out of their home. I assume he didn’t know for sure because he was retardedly high.

So what can I get for $10, Press-Citizen?

Police said they found cocaine, small quantities of marijuana and Pamoate, Diazepam, Hydromorphone Hydrochloride and Zolpidem Tartrate pills in Johnson-Koulianos’ bedroom. Pamoate is one of the two formations of Hydroxyzine, an antihistamine used to treat mild anxiety, insomnia, motion-sickness, itching and allergies and is known as an effective sedative and tranquilizer. Diazepam is used to treat anxiety, insomnia and seizures. Hydromorphone Hydrochloride is a narcotic analgesic which Johnson-Koulianos allegedly told officers he takes to help with pain, according to police. Zolpidem Tartrate is used to treat insomnia.

Jesus, is this a drug arrest or a NOFX song?

DJK faces four counts of possession of a controlled substance, two counts of unlawful possession of prescription drugs and keeping a drug house, of which the latter sounds like a great idea for a Charlie Sheen movie.

Stick around for a collection of athlete mug shots after the jump…

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