Just leave the poor guy alone to get shot by sex arrows and masturbate with his Jesus stripper pole. (On a serious note, how amazing is the “click like if you think Tim Tebow mastrubates” request?)
I’ll be spending Monday sitting at an airport/sitting on an airplane back to Austin, so please be exponentially less bored than me by perusing the morning links and/or watching this commercial on loop for the next 20 hours.
Question Of The Day: Can Anyone Stop Kentucky In The Final Four? - Where have you gone, Christian Laettner, our nation turns its lonely eyes to you. Woo woo woo. [Smoking Section]
Is the UFC’s Fox Deal Hurting Business? - MMA will officially be pro wrestling when its top stars have to fight each other to protect THIS BUSINESS~. [CagePotato]
The 2011 A1W 100: Meet Your Voters and Others Receiving Votes - The list hasn’t been revealed yet, but I sent in a ballot, so you’ll see my esoteric taste eventually. Feel free to fall in love with Veda Scott (pictured, but not on the list) now, before she becomes super famous. [The Wrestling Blog]
Youtube Appreciation: Ratatouille the Snowboarding Opossum - Editor Americus Matt Ufford shows some love for our favorite extreme rodent. Also, I am so awesome at Latin. [SBN]
Watching This Abandoned Blind Dog’s Rescue And Recovery Video Will Absolutely Slay You - The first time I’ve ever cried at an Avril Lavigne song. Be nice to animals. [UPROXX]
The ‘Mad Men’ Cast Gets ‘Archer’-Ized - The only way this mash-up could be more appealing to the UPROXX network is if Kate Upton and Alison Brie had become the same lady. [UPROXX]
Worst Trek Episode Ever: The Bracket Begins - Do the movies count? Because Star Trek V: The Final Frontier is the worst piece of sh*t movie ever. [Gamma Squad]
Donna D’Erico Is On The Hunt For Noah’s Ark - Almost as cool as the time Yasmine Bleeth died searching for the Holy Grail. [Warming Glow]
Worst Anti-Piracy Ad Ever - Worth it for the YOU WOULDN’T DOWNLOAD A BEAR graphic. I will be dead in the cold, cold ground before I pay for even one moment of Battleship. [Film Drunk]
Breaking Dawn — Part 2 Teaser: Bella Gets Laid, Becomes Beautiful Eternal Monster Who Eats Bambi - And speaking of terrible movies, eventually we’re gonna run out of YA novels and sad grown-ups are gonna have to find something else to do. [Pajiba]
You Can Now Buy the ‘Zou Bisou Bisou’ Song From the ‘Mad Men’ Season Five Premiere - I liked it better when I thought it was called ‘Zooby Zooby Zoo’. [The FW]
Louis C.K’s New, New Testament: 20 Commandments to Live By - “When girls go wild, they show their tits to people. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.” [Warming Glow]
ROFLMNBAO: Kobe’s Black Mask, 2012-2012 - If you missed yesterday’s feature, you missed out on Kobe as the Hamburglar. That’s not a thing you should be missing. [With Leather]
Topher Grace (Yes, That Topher Grace) Just Vastly Improved The Star Wars Prequels - The best part of this is knowing that no matter how complex a nerd might be, he’s still got the guy with glasses in this video to make him look bad. [Gamma Squad]
Dear David Stern, Stare Downs Aren’t Worth Techs - They should start giving technical fouls for “being excited” and make everyone play with their arms down to their sides. [Smoking Section]
What The Hell Is All This ‘#Kony2012′ Crap About? - It’s a viral ad campaign to get my teenage cousin super into defending the planet against monsters, at least until next week when she forgets she learned about it. [UPROXX]
Elderly Viral Phenom Completely Flummoxed By Her Sudden Internet Fame - I read about this lady. Columns were made available to suit my pleasure. It enjoyed them. They were great and nice. [UPROXX]
‘Lone Ranger’ First Look: Johnny Depp Is Wearing A Birdhat - Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie are in some kind of contest to see which one can be declared a minority first, aren’t they? [Film Drunk]
Matches We Loved 2011: Part II - If you read part one, THIS one actually features me. My match features wardrobe malfunctions, but not the ones you’re imagining. [DirtyDirtySheets]
Coors Is Going To Start Making Iced Tea Flavored Beer - Great, another disgusting thing for me to not drink! [Buzzfeed]
Rush Limbaugh vs. Inspirational Feminist Quotes - The next time anyone (“right” or “left”) says something inflammatory to get publicity, we should say, “whatever, you’re paid by people to be inflammatory and get publicity, we’re ignoring you”, put them in a box, ship them to Siberia and move the hell on. [HuffPost Comedy]
10 Weirdest ‘Animals Eating Themselves’ Pictures Ever - Nothing makes that pork chop taste better than imagining the pig happily slaughtering itself! [The FW]
Ten Actors We Wish Were More Talented Than They Are - This list really does begin and end with Alexis Bledel. I’d also put Aly Michalka on here, because ‘Phil of the Future’ was great. [Pajiba]
Our 10 Favorite Adam Sandler Leading Ladies in Movies - #1-10: Jill. #11, whoever was in Little Nicky. [Unreality]
R.I.P. Peyton Manning - Gone too soon. He was one of the greats! Once we’ve stopped Kony, we’ll never stop remembering you. [KSK]
Peyton Manning Is a Great Tipper - In contrast, Mark Shapiro of the Cleveland Indians once tipped me four dollars on 25. Danny Ferry tipped me 7 on 35. I guess Cleveland sports guys use the tipping chart. [The FW]
The 3 Best DJing Apps Out Now - I downloaded all three of these just so I could walk into a room and yell, “DJ BLUNTZ IS IN THE BUIL-DING!” [Smoking Section]
TV Network Power Rankings: What’s Their Greatest Season Ever? - Every time I read “Power Rankings” I read it as “Power Rangers”, so I got upset when I clicked these and didn’t see Galaxy anywhere. [Warming Glow]
Valve Is Not Making a Game Console. It’s Making Something Better - They’re making a wonderful dream where Half-Life 2: Episode 3 was released four years ago and Valve never beat us to death with delays. [Gamma Squad]
Patricia Heaton (The Mom From ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’) Makes A Staggering A$s Of Herself On Twitter - Hey G-Town Gal: When you become rich, you convince yourself that you “did it right” and everyone else is making ridiculous mistakes! Don’t have compassion or perspective, plz! [UPROXX]
The Improbable Rise And Unsurprising Fall Of LulzSec - The FBI was trying to beat down Tommy Dreamer, but the lights went out, and when they came on SABU HAD MADE HIS RETURN TO THE ECW ARENA. [UPROXX]
AVENGERS ACHTUNG! Downey chews scenery in the German Avengers trailer - My favorite member of DIE AVENGERS is DIE HULK. [Film Drunk]
Will You Be Buying Apple’s New, Improved iPad? - Yes, because I have a girlfriend with brand loyalty and nothing better to buy. [Smoking Section]
The 9 Funniest Former ‘Daily Show’ Correspondents - Never appearing on this list: Aasif Mandvi. Thanks for your weird voice and helping ruin ‘The Last Airbender’, jerk. [HuffPost Comedy]
Brazilian late-night shows are a far sight better than their American counterparts: Exhibit A - Exhibit B, they freaky with big ol’ booties and they thongs? Blue yellow and green! [FARK]
You’re the Vulgarian, You F*ck: Our Favorite Verbal Film Fights | The 2011 Fun Oscars - Robert Guillaume vs. Morgan Freeman in Lean On Me is still my favorite. I don’t have time for Mrs. Elliott’s problem! [Pajiba]
I don’t know if Ray William Johnson invented that YouTube “edit 3 times in the same sentence so I jump around the screen” thing, but I’m blaming it for him anyway. This video would’ve benefitted from a little “Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen)”. [via Sportress]
What Was In LeBron’s Tiny Purse? - I hope it was a spy kit. I hate LeBron as much as the next guy, but I need to let somebody else write about “Pursegate”. [Smoking Section]
5 Movies Us Nerds Painfully Underrate - “Us nerds” reminds me of when Zack Morris said “us kids” don’t want oil drilling at bayside. Anyway, I really must be a nerd, because I think all 5 of these blow. [Gamma Squad]
A Comprehensive Guide To Amber Tamblyn’s Next Level Email Prank On Tyrese Gibson - She showed him a bunch of screenplays, then said ‘Joan of Arcadia’ was a thing that got produced and put on TV for two seasons. [UPROXX]
The Smiths + Nintendo’s ‘Super Mario Brothers’ = ‘Super Morrissey Bros.’ - Adding Morrissey to anything makes it better. You could add Morrissey to an Enzyte commercial and it’d instantly be the greatest thing on television. [UPROXX]
LEGO May Have Spoiled The Villains In The Avengers - This isn’t really a spoiler, but if Namor OR Fin Fang Foom show up in this movie I’m going to lose my mind. I’m not too old to mark out for Fin Fang Foom. [Film Drunk]
Megan Fox Isn’t Allowed to Watch ‘Beverly Hills 90210′ - Now she’ll never know whether or not Donna Martin Graduates. Pretty cool idea to marry someone who won’t “allow” you to do things, Megan! [Warming Glow]
Women Flirting With Urkel Over Twitter - Don’t get excited, it’s just Myra with multiple accounts. [Buzzfeed]
Classic Movies Subtitled For Bros - I want a version of The Fountain where it spends 5 minutes with “Finish it, bro” at the bottom. [HuffPost Comedy]
‘The Artist’ Star Uggie the Dog is the New Nintendo Spokesdog - Better than Reggie. Nintendo should make a dog you can control by waving at it. [The FW]
The Greatest Fictional TV Couple That Will Never Ever Exist | The 2011 Fun Oscars - If this isn’t a link to the fictional hookup of Annie Edison and Trudy Campbell, I’m not interested. [Pajiba]
Three Kinds of Movie/TV Characters Who Actually Need Smartphones - To the credit of the people on Breaking Bad, they live in New Mexico. Going to West Texas is what they consider a “promotion”. Of course they don’t have real phones. [Unreality]
Someone Racked Up a Hefty $323,000 Bar Tab at a Liverpool Nightclub - 42 Pussy @ 3.00. Sounds like the waitstaff at my old Olive Garden. [Brobible]