I think this commercial works best if you go into it blind. It’s like the Cabin In The Woods of commercials. Watch it, experience it, then continue reading.

All good? So yeah, that’s UFC heavyweight Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira in a Brazilian motorcycle ad, and while my Portuguese is a little rusty, I’m going to say the point of it was, “you don’t feel masculine enough, so go buy a Honda, it will make strippers sit on you near a ring of metal and fire”. This is a great ad, because that is exactly what Honda motorcycles do.

It’s all in good fun, but I’ve got to be honest … that scene of Big Nog in nothing but shorts, rubbing lotion on the back of gloves reminded me a little too much of The Silence Of The Lambs. Maybe buying a Honda keeps you from tucking and dancing around to Q Lazzarus?

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Everybody loves a good flop, be they a soccer guy collapsing to the field like he’s been picked off by a sniper or an NBA player trying to convince us that Manu Ginobli is strong enough to knock somebody down.

The mighty KALUNGA has taken flopping to a new, extreme level by adding motorcycles, then lying down in front of them.

Marlinton dos Reis Teixeira, known by his nickname ‘Kalunga’, slid on a corner in rainy conditions during the Rio Grande do Sul State Moto Grand Prix in Brazil, causing his bike to stall.

Kalunga failed to get his bike to start and was losing valuable time. He then walked to the middle of the track and threw himself on the ground pretending to be badly injured in an attempt to get the race red-flagged.

The best part is that the other guys on motorcycles didn’t have our point of view, so they think he’s actually hurt and stop to help. Kalunga gets stretchered away for boneitis or whatever, and eventually the MotoRacing Association of Rio Grande do Sul State watches tape and bans him from the championship forever. Now he doesn’t get to compete, but hey, at least he’s got a swell five-minute clip of him emulating The Program in a Brazilian motorbike race and being dragged away like a gimpy horse. Good decisions, bro!

Kalunga, I don’t know what you’re gonna do with your life now, but if you’re reading this, I have a suggestion: surfing. Learn how to do a dead man’s float.

England and Ukraine will face off against each other at 2:45 ET on ESPN today in a match to determine which of the two teams will advance from Group D at the Euro 2012 tournament. England seems to be the favored team, as Ukraine’s top player and captain Adriy Shevchenko is all banged up. I don’t know what happened to Shevchenko, so I’ll assume that he was attacked by some of the stray dogs that have overrun his country.

As for England’s hopes, a lot of the attention today will be focused on the return of Wayne Rooney, who was suspended for England’s first two Euro matches for what I believe soccer experts call “being a big ol’ doody head”. Regardless of how he plays today and all of the ridiculous things he’s said in the past about his own fans, it seems that people still love the guy, because they’re willing to drop more than $90,000 (so far) on his custom motorcycle.

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Here’s a video getting a lot of play on Buzzfeed today wherein two guys crash their motorcycles, and somehow it ends up a beautiful little reminder that God is real and true love exists. Okay, that might be overstating it a little, but it’s funny and I can’t provide any deeper context because the phrase “at Magny-Cours, during a round of the promosport Championship” might as well be “Yahoo Serious Festival”.

I can’t decide if my favorite part is the guy in the yellow helmet desperately trying to ride his bike while it’s spinning around on the ground, or if it’s the guy in white waiting for the perfect time to cross the street. “Hey baby, I drive a motorcycle for a living” is a great pick-up line, but not worth the full-on existential crisis of something like this.

Be sure to watch until the guy in blaze orange wanders out, as he’s basically the only guy in the video who looks like he knows what he’s doing.

Morning Links posts encourage fellowship amongst bloggers. If you are linked here, we would appreciate you checking out our material and linking back if possible, to spread the wealth and promote synergy throughout the blogosphere. The easiest way to alienate the entire Internet is to use the words “blogosphere” and “synergy” in the same sentence.

Also, a few style notes about the site. One, we’re getting rid of the old logo and changing it to a picture of Hulk Hogan body slamming somebody. Two, Burnsy has been fired and replaced by a machine that produces less high-quality galleries per day, but likes basketball less. Three, I’m looking for a new bio blurb to put in the upper righthand corner of the page, and I’m leaning toward the word “otters.” Just the word otters.

Sports

Interleague Play And How It Ruined Baseball Forever - Baseball is like the human body. Anything that comes into contact with it tries to kill it. You can’t eat or breathe or do anything without it shortening your lifespan. Baseball can’t employ anyone or do anything without repeatedly punching itself inthe eye. [Baseball Nation]

Joakim Noah Yells Gay Slur At Fan, Apologizes - The theme for the next five years of basketball news is “basketball player is gay or hates gays.” That whole league is going to end in a self-hating orgy. [Smoking Section]

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While Daytona Beach’s famous annual Bike Week took place earlier this month, the real biker party begins next week in kick ass Leesburg, Florida. The 2011 Leesburg Bikefest is set to rock your f*cking face off, as the Central Florida town will welcome its biker faithful from April 7-10, and the event organizers have even added an extra day this year for people to rev their engines and show off their “My bitch fell off” shirts. And forget Lollapalooza and Bonaroo this year, friends, because Leesburg Bikefest welcomes the music of Slaughter and Jackyl, as well as the ACDC tribute band Highway to Hell.

Alas, all is not well in Leesburg. As thousands of bikers will flock from minutes away for this celebration, the town’s leaders are putting a kibosh on one of Bikefest’s most time-honored traditions – pudding and Jello wrestling. Specifically, the city is banning all fighting competitions, which once again leaves my toddler fight club without a venue, but they made it a point to put the spotlight on women wrasslin’ in snack foods.

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