This video of motocross jumpers doing tricks over live MMA fights from last weekend’s ‘Backflips And Beatdowns 2′ event in Billings, Montana, is making the rounds today, and while there isn’t much to say other than “lol what is this dumb sh*t why is it happening” I thought I’d put together some helpful suggestions to make ‘Backflips And Beatdowns 3′ (date TBA) a little more engaging:

1. Have pro skateboarders grind the top of the cage while MMA fights are happening and motocross guys are jumping over them. “Powerman 5000 – When Worlds Collide” would make this especially awesome.

2. Rig the bikes so the exhaust sprays Baja Blast Mountain Dew on the fighters as it backflips. That’s probably a little degrading to the guys in the octagon, but these guys are cagefighting under the Montana X-Games so f**k them.

3. Fire hoops a’plenty.

4. Allow public masturbation, but only during the coolest parts. So, public masturbation from beginning to end. Suggestion 4B) Call the event ‘Backflips And Beatdowns And Beatoffs’.

5. Eliminate the landing ramp. Have riders jump directly into the cage, where they then have to fight their way out. Twist: The cage does not have doors.

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While I was busy feeding orphaned tiger cubs with my philanthropy group, Hunks Without Borders, San Diego played host to the “Red Bull: New Year. No Limits.” daredevil showcase on New Year’s Eve. The event was a huge success for many reasons, if your thing is watching people ride motorcycles and snowmobiles really fast and far, but the main reason was that riders Robbie “Maddo” Maddison and Levi LaVallee, which is coincidentally my sister’s porn name, both set world records for the longest jumps.

Madison broke his own world record of 351 feet by jumping his motorcycle 378 feet and 9 inches, while LaVallee also broke his own world record of 361 feet by jumping his snowmobile 412 feet and 6 inches. And to make it even more extreme, wicked, rad and whatever else the hip kids are saying these days, they did it at the same time. I bet that’s not the only thing they did at the same time that night… *whispers* your mom.

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Sports

Video: The Rise and Fall of LeBron James - As a serious journalist on the Internet, I am only interested in the “falling” parts. And honestly the rise was just the one part where he discovers he’s good at basketball and suddenly gets everything he ever wanted. I mean, except that one thing. [RealTalkNY]

Major League Shuffle: Nine Upgrades, Big Names, and Prospects from the Trade Deadline - Burnsy and I are going to start reviewing rap albums. Thankfully I owned a vinyl single of “Nightmare On My Street” and am deeply familiar with the discography of The Fat Boys. But no, click here for baseball stuff. [Smoking Section]

2KSports Gives Us the Virtual Version of Kobe Bryant’s 81 Points - I was hoping some guy had gone to the trouble of recreating the entire game, possibly with commercials, but it’s just shots of video game Kobe shooting jumpers. Still worth your time, especially when paired with The Rise and Fall of LeBron James. [Lakers Nation]

Weddle We Do Now That The Money’s All Gone? - I don’t know, man, just read it. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

With Leather

Video, Photos, Whatever: Kate Upton Milking A Cow - We try to have a strong feature or two on the site every afternoon, but yesterday featured two big ones: Kate Upton. Here we see America’s Best Girl milking a cow, clutching a chicken and making me type the sentence “you should have a little belly if your boobs are that big” more than once on the Internet. [With Leather]

Burnsy’s Bad Advice: Ranking Your Fantasy Football Quarterbacks - Also a great feature (and also featuring Kate Upton, in case you were skeptical) is Burnsy’s Bad Advice, which will hopefully become a regular feature and reeducate me on the game of pro football following my desertion upon the retirement of Dan Marino. If these guys are Kate Uptons, Dan Marino must be Aphro-goddamn-dite. [With Leather]

Women Doing An Awful Job Of Motocrossing - The best part is the very end, when the one lady has Woman’d Up enough to get her bike across the line, and some other lady is crashing and burning into a puddle to the right. Just glorious, no matter how many times you watch it. [With Leather]

“It Ain’t Worth It!” Anti-Sex PSA - David Robinson, A.C. Green and Barry Sanders explain the dangers of intercourse in the most impersonal and 1990s way ever. [With Leather]

Not Sports

Cowboys & Aliens Smurfed The Bed - Got to admit, I’m getting pretty sick of these well-made but ultimately uneventful boy-themed action movies. Like, Captain America was great and all, but I don’t think I need to watch it again because it will be rereleased under a different name 85 more times before Christmas. Can’t wait to see some form of Sh**ty Superman get f**ked by Chipmunk’d, or whatever the hell they’re calling Chipmunks 3. [Film Drunk]

Journalist Outs Ellen Page - Dick move, gay lady. Worth reading for the phrase “stands for her believes” and this amazingly perspective-free sentence: “The comic book team the ‘X-MEN’ always served as a metaphor for an oppressed minority like gay people or Jews.” [V-Generations]

Damon Lindelof’s Terminator Pitch Is Awesome - Every movie should just be built on top of Kindergarten Cop. Cowboys have a penis, Aliens have a vagina. [Gamma Squad]

The Always Sunny Promo Is Fat, As Advertised - He’s fat, all right, but I’m not sure he’s fat enough. Next year’s publicity stunt will involve Charlie Day getting a second speaking voice. [Warming Glow]

This year’s X-Games added something called the “Moto X Enduro Women’s Division”, and on paper it sounds pretty cool. Women’s motocross could be awesome, right? Like when female skiers take off their helmets and they look like a hot, athletic Peppermint Patty with a labret piercing. Well, uh, the actual Moto X Enduro Whatever didn’t happen on paper, it happened on a big hill, and then on some rocks, and then down the side of a different hill. For some reason these women appeared to have NO F**KING CLUE what they were supposed to do and just crashed motorcycles everywhere. These are the highlights. The highlights. I don’t even know what they’re doing at some points. Why are you driving on those rocks?

Spencer Hall over at SB Nation has two workable theories, and I can’t come up with anything that sounds better.

The first is that the executives at ESPN are sexist 4chan commenters in disguise, and paid a group of retired ladies to don motorcycle helmets and bumble through this course while watching on the internet and laughing until they died. The other is that every woman here was required to get blind drunk before starting, and then do her best.

Here’s a link to the event set to Wacky Sax, in case the cold silence of humiliation wasn’t hilarious enough.

Picture lazily related.

*This isn’t really about the Olympics.

I don’t know what’s being pumped into the water in France lately, but those baguette-eating wine-sniffers are really earning some street cred. First, they didn’t bother waiting to take the first shot at Libya, and now their firefighters are telling the rest of the world to embrasser mon derriere. While this is apparently news from February, our reporters in With Leather’s French bureau have been drunk since 2008 so we’re just now discovering the awesomeness of the “Jeux Olympiques des Pompiers”, or the Olympic Games of the Firefighters.

In the video below you can witness the awesomeness of the French firefighter competition, as they run around with ladders and hoses while jumping walls like jungle cats. But in the end, these Olympics aren’t about who wins, mainly because they all surrender when the German firefighters show up.

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It’s been said that the best way to leave the mortal earth is to die while doing what you love.

Noted motocross star and X Games gold-medalist Jeremy Lusk died in a bed at Calderon Hospital in San Jose, Costa Rica on Monday. He was surrounded at his bedside by his parents, his wife, their parents, and many of his fellow riders.

He was 24.

[Outposts (LATimes), via FanHouse]