This is what happens when you get hit and your face makes a beeline for the ice.

The guy in an Olympic-sized pool of his own blood is Lars Eller of the Montreal Canadiens. He was minding his own business when Ottawa’s Eric Gryba decided to paint a beautiful portrait on the ice in the medium of broken nose. He also used a touch of “concussion” and heavy strokes of “making a dude faceplant against his will.”

Here’s a fairly graphic clip of the hit, courtesy of Hockey Video HD, assuming you’d like to see the blood actually leaving his face.

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Here’s Montreal Canadiens rookie Nathan Beaulieu skating a solemn lap by himself while his team stands back and chuckles at him, helpfully reminding us that you shouldn’t believe anything you read, see, or someone tells you from yesterday morning until like, tomorrow evening. April Fools Day is the worst, and no matter how cool an idea sounds today, let somebody ELSE lead the team out onto the ice. (via IASID)

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Predicting EA’s Next Justifications For SimCity’s Always-Online Requirement |Gamma Squad|

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NFL players as superheroes |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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In a scene straight out of a wacky kids sports comedy, Montreal Canadiens goalie Carey Price took a warm-up shot to the junk and crumpled to the ice. I eagerly await the George C. Scott remake. (via OTBS)

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IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: UPROXX Is Teaming Up With 5-Second Films To Create UPROXX Video |UPROXX|

10 Of ‘Archer’s’ Most Visually Distinctive Homages To Movies |Warming Glow|

A Mexican dude dressed like Wolverine saved people from a burning tower |Film Drunk|

Kobayashi Ate An Entire Domino’s Pizza In 60 Seconds Because YOLO |With Leather|

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LOLNFL: Super Bowl XLVII Stuff |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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If you can make it through the diarrhea noises and ‘Silent Library’-style snickering going on in the background, you’ll enjoy this video of Montreal Canadiens defenseman Hal Gill suffering the worst insult known to man: a fat kid from New Jersey pointy middle finger.

And it’s not just the finger … it’s the hate-fueled glare of a time-displaced Chaz Bono, unable to handle the 2-1 Habs victory over the Devils. Maybe he is the devil, or at least some sort of ominous harbinger of doom, and poor Hal woke up the next morning covered in boils.

Kids yelling curse words and flipping people off give me the worst case of secondhand embarrassment ever. When I was a kid I would’ve gotten grabbed with one hand and punched in the face eight times with the other if I’d delivered bird to someone in front of my parents. Then again, I didn’t have the kind of parents who’d allow me to grow up rooting for the Devils.

[via Buzzfeed]

I think the guy providing color commentary for this fight says it all.

Background guy: UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! UHHHHHHHHHHHHH! UHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

If you need more information, this is a Montreal-area theatre troupe reenacting important scenes from American History X during Monday night’s Canadiens/Bruins game at the Bell Centre in Montreal, using Bruins fans in place of black people. It starts off like any YouTube fight video you’ve seen — two jerks ganging up to kick-punch a guy with no shirt, a white guy who doesn’t know how to distribute his body weight throwing all-arm punches — and escalates into a chaotic mass of security guards and flailing hoodies, all in the name of pro hockey loyalty. The fight continues in the comments section of YouTube, where “drunk fans acting stupid to each other” has turned into a full-scale, passive-aggressive America Versus Canada.

Maybe the person who stood in the background making cow noises had the right idea. Stay out of it.

[h/t Puck Daddy]

Former NHL journeyman left winger Donald Brashear has made a great career decision as he approaches his 40th birthday — he’s getting into mixed martial arts. USA Today is reporting that the currently semi-pro hockey star has signed a contract with promoter Ringside MMA for a minimum of one fight, with possibly as many as three fights set to take place, including a rumored bout on the Ringside 11 car at the Quebec Coliseum on June 4th.

The 6-foot-3, 237-pound Brashear played for the Canadiens, Canucks, Flyers, Capitals and Rangers throughout his NHL career, and is mostly famous for that one time when he pissed off the Boston Bruins so badly that Marty McSorely slashed him in the back of the head with his stick. He’s also semi-famous for a 2000 assault charge wherein he roughing a guy up at the gym for complaining about a baby crawling on the exercise machines. This combination of brain concussion and irrational anger makes Brashear a perfect candidate for MMA.

I guess the major challenge is going to be learning how to fight without pulling on somebody’s sweater. Maybe he’ll innovate the sport and figure out how to pull someone’s sponsored jam shorts up over their head.