Links

Reebok Broke, Reebok Broke: Company Agrees To Pay $25 Million In Toning Shoe Refunds - R.I.P., Reebok, I will always remember you in your better days, when you tried to sell me shoes by having Shawn Kemp dunk on a robot in a game of Killer Instinct and then scream to destroy him. [Smoking Section]

Today’s Column: How Moneyball the Movie Became the Opposite of Moneyball the Concept - I still haven’t seen this. I’m a bad sports blogger. I’m going to try to recreate the experience by sitting in a pitch black room and listening to an A’s game on the radio. [Film Drunk]

Jose Canseco And Octomom Sitting In A Tree - In case you missed it yesterday, the Octomom is probably the most legitimately weird person to ever be famous for something, and Jose Canseco thinks he’s good at fighting people, but he isn’t. Also, lol Coolio. [With Leather]

How Many Awkward Patrick Swayze Jokes Are in ’50/50′? - I love you, Anna Kendrick, like a real, lasting love, so I’m going to go see this movie you’re in, and you have to repay me by being super nice to me should we ever meet. Not weird-nice, just pleasant and happy, because Lord, I sat through this movie. [Moviefone]

Here Are The Nick Offerman High School Yearbook Photos Ron Swanson Fans Have Been Clamoring For - Nick Offerman isn’t a real person. I’m convinced Ron Swanson is a S1mone situation and his high school yearbook pictures are just part of the false memories. [UPROXX]

The Most Ridiculous Covers of Superman’s Girlfriend Lois Lane - Comic books were awesome as hell before people like Judd Winick grew up and got put in charge of them. [Gamma Squad]

Creepily Specific, Poorly Made ‘Simpsons’ Cosplay to Haunt Your Dreams - I don’t do the “well, gonna have nightmares!” joke a lot, so please know it is not a joke when I say this is going to give me nightmares. Jesus Christ. [Warming Glow]

Meme Watch: Pug On A Slide Wins The Internet Today - Pretty sure this would win the Internet on any day. I get worried for pugs when they’re trying to walk forward, much less when they’re put on playground equipment. [UPROXX]

Awesome Quotes From 11 Famous Writers On Censorship - Important words to share with you from a website where the Dockers people will get mad and pull their ads if I type the f-word without stars over the U and C. [Buzzfeed]

The Road to Juggalo Recovery - I outlined the steps to recovery in yesterday’s Morning Links, but I’ll add a fourth: if you’re in public, put on a shirt. [Adult Swim\]

Popeye’s Scoop Shaped Dippable Fried Chicken Is a Real Thing - “What part of the chicken is a NUGGET??” the commercials ask. I don’t know, what part of the chicken is the “popcorn”? What part of the chicken comes out looking like a Frito, you psychopaths? [The Daily What]

28 Hi-Def Calvin and Hobbes Wallpapers - Just because. [Unreality]

Links

An All-’Simpsons’ Channel? Woo-hoo! - I know everybody’s into streaming and not having to move to access their media, but this is why owning seasons 1-8 on DVD is awesome. I don’t need a network, and unless I accidentally click on a clip show, I don’t ever get a bad episode. [Warming Glow]

Trey Parker & Matt Stone Detail How They Went Viral Before Going Viral Was Cool On 60 Minutes - Detailing it on 60 Minutes is a hilarious statement about growing older. Maybe in a couple of years they can show up to sing a song on A Prairie Home Companion. |UPROXX|

The Best Of #Boardwalk Empire - Between this and “Community” (and to a lesser extent, “90210″) I want “The Wire” to be back on television so bad. [UPROXX]

Anne Hathaway In The Full Catwoman Suit - The Dark Knight Cashes In doesn’t look great so far, but I’m sure it’ll be fine. I hope Judd Winick gets put in charge of part 4. And that part 4 goes straight to Cinemax. [Gamma Squad]

Justin Bieber Rented Out The Staples Center to Watch Titanic - Bieber is basing his grandest gestures on dark ages Adam Sandler comedies. Maybe Selena Gomez will get brain damage and forget she knows him every day. [Film Drunk]

You Know You’re Drunk When… - If you see the phrase “say no to crack” and it reminds you to PULL YOUR JEANS UP, you might be a drunk [Buzzfeed]

10 Nerdiest Objects in the Office on ‘The IT Crowd’ - Thanks to British television, this show only ran for 20 minutes before it ended and was canonized. [FARK]

9 Great Singers Who Can Also Act - “Can act” is pretty vague. Anybody “can act”, but acting and being good at acting are two very different things. Also, does Donald Glover count as a singer? “So Fly” is awesome, and Troy is still the best. [Moviefone]

Attack of the Show Interviews Chris Pratt - One day I will host this show, and I will only interview Chris Pratt. [G4TV]

5 Unsexy Reasons You Wouldn’t Want to Be a Male Porn Star - 1 unsexy reason I WOULD want to be a porn star: Allie Sin. Unsexy reason #2, Gianna won’t stop spitting on people. [The Smoking Jacket]

19 Creepy Shipwrecks from Around the World - Question: How many of these run the risk of being Chipwrecked? [Ask Men]

The 10 Biggest Opening Weekends for a Baseball Movie - Here’s every review of Moneyball: “It was good, but slow.” Now, every review from a blogger: “I JOTTED DOWN EVERY INCONSISTENCY IN THIS ‘FEATURE FILM’ AND WILL LIST THEM NOW, #1, OAKLAND DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A TEAM” etc. [Pajiba]

145 Reasons Spider-Man 3 Sucked - Well, that’s thorough. [Unreality]

Links

Steve-O Breaks His Nose On Mike Tyson’s Fist - Any time I get confused about why people are so weird and confrontational about vegans, I remember that Steve-O AND Mike Tyson are vegan. Thanks for giving the haters a good reason, guys. [FARK]

David D.’s 25 Favorite Wrestling Matches Of All Time - If I’d known this could be an UPROXX feature I would’ve been doing one a day since I got hired. Totally doing a follow-up to this on Monday, if I can figure out how to get rid of all the Chris Benoit matches. [Smoking Section]

Eight Chapters in the Origin Story of Brad Pitt - Movieball is in theaters today, were you aware? [Moviefone]

The UPROXX Guide To Television’s 20 Most Lethal Show Killers - Summer Glau didn’t kill “Firefly”, Nathan Fillion’s accent did. It’s why I didn’t watch the show until earlier this year. Buffy season 7 was that bad. (p.s. Firefly is f**king great) [UPROXX]

Graphic Designer Dad Gives His Daughter An Ewok Adventure - Mean Girls-style Cool Moms are the worst, but This-style Cool Dads are the best. [Gamma Squad]

ABC to Make Nicholas Sparks Romance Porn - I’m glad they at least waited until Peter Falk was dead to make a sh*tty TV adaptation of Wings Of Desire. Can’t wait for werewolves to show up. [Warming Glow]

Abduction is getting Bucky Larson’d - In a better world, “Bucky Larson” will continue to be a verb describing a unanimous hatred of something. [Film Drunk]

The 10 Definitive Ron Swanson GIFs - I can’t tell you how happy I am that this show is back on TV. And why did Rob Lowe decide to grow his hair like mine? My hair looks terrible. [UPROXX]

18 Products Just As “Offensive” As Schweddy Balls Ice Cream - I haven’t clicked this yet, but I hope “Nut-N-Honey” made the list. [Buzzfeed]

Katie Holmes is the Slutty Pumpkin on ‘How I Met Your Mother’ - Does anything ever actually happen on this show? In my mind it’s just people walking onto bar or living room sets repeatedly while a studio audience laughs. [AOL TV]

Great Cast! Terrible Movie! 10 Awful Movies Despite the Awesome Talent Involved - Slackers, I’m looking in your direction. A movie with Max from Rushmore, Jason Segel, Big Pete from Pete and Pete and a James King/Laura Prepon lesbian kiss and somehow it’s still the biggest piece of sh*t I’ve ever seen. [Pajiba]

With Moneyball set to hit theaters tomorrow, Sony Pictures has the PR and marketing armada in full force, with the exclamation point being Brad Pitt on the cover of Sports Illustrated this week. “Moneyball,” of course, is an excellent book by Michael Lewis that tells the true story of Oakland Athletics GM Billy Beane and his (sort of) revolutionary sabermetrics system. Moneyball the movie, though, is a fictitious take on the book that stars Pitt as Beane and Jonah Hill as a character based on former A’s assistant GM Paul DePodesta, who didn’t want his name in the movie.

I share similar opinions about this film with our comrade at WWTDD, but baseball movies are still like sex with a pizza to me – it’s never bad. Either way, I was pretty disappointed with the cast of Moneyball, in that there are no current or former MLB players playing themselves. But then one listing caught my attention:

Royce Clayton as Miguel Tejada

That’s right, former MLB shortstop for 11 teams, Royce Clayton is making his acting debut as Miguel Tejada. I pray that he just has one line and he walks into the clubhouse and in a terrible accent asks if anyone has seen his vitamins. Runner-up for best casting choice goes to actor Gary “G. Thang” Johnson as Jermaine Dye. I’m strongly considering changing my nickname to B. Thang.

Also making the rounds for Moneyball is Hill, who was in Oakland yesterday to throw out the first pitch for the Athletics against the Detroit Tigers. Hill is on a first pitch parade, having tossed out the opener at the Chicago White Sox game last Wednesday as well. But Hill’s first effort came more than a year ago, when he threw out the first pitch at a Boston Red Sox game. I thought we might take a look at how his game has progressed.

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At long last, here is your full, high-definition theatrical trailer for Moneyball, the Aaron Sorkin adaptation of the book by Michael M. Lewis (not Billy Beane). You’d think more people would know Michael Lewis wrote the book, considering that his name is in huge red letters and bigger than the title and subtitle. In case you need to be caught up, here’s a succinct-ish synopsis from ComingSoon.net.

Based on a true story, Moneyball is a movie for anybody who has ever dreamed of taking on the system. Brad Pitt stars as Billy Beane, the general manager of the Oakland A’s and the guy who assembles the team, who has an epiphany: all of baseball’s conventional wisdom is wrong. Forced to reinvent his team on a tight budget, Beane will have to outsmart the richer clubs. The onetime jock teams with Ivy League grad Peter Brand (Jonah Hill) in an unlikely partnership, recruiting bargain players that the scouts call flawed, but all of whom have an ability to get on base, score runs, and win games. It’s more than baseball, it’s a revolution – one that challenges old school traditions and puts Beane in the crosshairs of those who say he’s tearing out the heart and soul of the game.

The cast of “Major League” accomplished this exact same movie without any math or stats by using self-esteem and a communal hatred of women. You can tell this is Hollywood because then-Network Associates Coliseum is PITCH BLACK. When they show that clip of the outfielders missing a ball, I didn’t think “these guys aren’t good at baseball”, I thought “how is Eric Byrnes supposed to catch a pop fly on the deck of the f**king Starship Enterprise?” All it needed was lens flares. That shadowy Social Network filter is just as bad as the urine glaze they use for horror remakes.

Hopefully I can get my Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant ‘Roids, Smash Hits, and How Baseball Got Big adaptation greenlit (shortened Hollywood title: How Baseball). It’s just two hours and forty minutes of Karl Urban as Jose Canseco contemplating steroids in a hallway closet.

[sauce]

I’m not much of an expert when it comes to money, as evidenced by my solid gold toilets and multiple purchases from the International Star Registry, but thankfully Forbes is here to tell us when professional sports teams are wasting money. The money magazine recently released a study that determined the most and least efficient teams in Major League Baseball this season. By considering a number of factors, including blah blah blah and the square root of pi divided by zero, Forbes determined that the San Diego Padres were the big winners this year, despite not making the playoffs. The big losers? Come on, like you had to think about it.

The Chicago Cubs paved the road of inefficiency this season, spending nearly $2 million per win, compared to the Padres organization, which spent less than $500,000 per win. Basically, as the common fan can make such astute (Ed. – Tee hee!) observations as, “Aramis Ramirez is terrible” and “Alfonso Soriano is horrendous”, these numbers also show us that certain organizations have front offices that aren’t fit to put the square peg in the circle hole.

Make me feel better about my crippling student loan payments, Forbes:

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