Some of you may find my fixation with the English Premier League curious. Sure, it has the highest level of soccer you'll see outside of international and interleague tournaments, but it's still… soccer. And it's not even soccer being played in America. So what's the big deal?
The big deal, my friends, is the game's Wives and Girlfriends, or WAGs. No other sports league in the world offers such a wide variety of money-grubbing sluts vying for the attention of so few misbehaving athletes and their outlandish salaries. So, in order to celebrate the return of the EPL season, I've enlisted the help of the wondrously sharp tart at Kickette, who supplies us with all the necessary background on the WAGs who drive the drama in the Premiership. Her full report is after the jump.
Toni Poole, 24
The new wife of England captain and Chelsea star John Terry, and mother of his 2 children, Toni has mastered what is commonly known as the ‘suffering for my cash prize’ style of WAGdom. A beautician by trade, she met John when he was on a youth training scheme and had the vision to see the future; it was paved with money. John’s complete absence of good looks weren’t a factor. Nor were the tabloids reported he had cheated on her at least eight times, including once in the back of his Bentley with a 17-year-old whilst listening to Luther Vandross.
RANDY England ace John Terry romped in his Bentley with a blonde teenager just hours after they met. The Chelsea captain let 17-year-old Jenny Barker perform a sex act in a car park.
Jenny, from Esher, said: “He wrote [in a text message], ‘Oh my God I want to **** both of you, I want to watch you ******* each other’s ******* and ******** on my *** ****, then ******* me. I want one of you ****** me and the other ******* ** my ****. I’m gonna give you both the best ******* ever."
Toni stayed focused and brought it home with a wedding that included the biggest stars in football, Lionel Richie as the wedding singer (whom Terry and friends heckled), and a craptastic OTT [Ed. note: "over the top"] couture gown.
Abigail Clancy, 24
What on earth would possess a girl who looks like Abi to date a man who looks like Liverpool’s Peter Crouch? His ruggedly non-handsome face? His long and lanky framework? When asked by TV producers what her ambitions were, Ms. Clancy said, "marry a footballer, get pregnant, then shop and have fun." Shortly afterwards, the planets aligned and she met Crouchy, a praying mantis of a man who does the "robot" after scoring goals as his signature move. Trouble in paradise soon occurred with a string of bad press – photos of Abi snorting mountains of cocaine, cheating with her ex – she was branded a coke-snorting, cheating tart, albeit a good-looking one. She’s since done some calendar photo shoots and gone off to America to film a reality TV show with Janice Dickinson. She has also modified her goals to include being on the cover of Sports Illustrated or being a Victoria’s Secret model.
Coleen McLoughlin, 21
Another believer in the cling-until-you-have-cashed-out style of relationships, Coleen has modeled her non-career on WAG queen Victoria Beckham and is a powerful brand name in the UK. She’s successfully parlayed multi-million pound deals for reality telly shows, perfume, a discount clothing line, and many other shite lines of merchandise completely off the back of her fiancé, Man U master Wayne Rooney. Nothing will stop Coleen’s trajectory to the top of the WAG food chain. Wayne proposes marriage on the romantic forecourt of a BP petrol station? No problem. Wayne admits he slept with a geriatric prostitute with 16 grandchildren nicknamed the “Auld Slapper”? Not an issue. She’s in it for the long haul – a true ride-or-die Chavette.
Carly Zucker, 24
One of the sexiest WAGs on the block, Carly has no shirts that fit properly, she works as a fitness instructor, wears minimal makeup and her hair looks like she’s just had sex. Predictably, she annoys the crap out of females (Victoria Beckham has called her "butch" and "beefy"), but lawdy the boys do like her. Engaged to Chelsea’s Joe Cole, Carly was one of the most photographed WAGs at the 2006 World cup in Germany, largely due to her penchant for mid-riff tops, bikinis, and working out in front of the paparazzi when in her mid-riff tops and bikinis. After Joe proposed, the two played Oasis music to celebrate. No one knows why. Side note – last year Joe Cole got the living snot beat out of him by a jealous man after ‘falling asleep on a bed’ at a party held by Page 3 model, Keeley Hazell. He escaped out a window without his shirt or his shoes. Curiously, Carly was not present at said event.
Alex Curran-Gerrard, 25
Steven Gerrard’s missus epitomizes all that is true and good about the EPL WAGs. She shops daily. She sunbeds twice daily. She parties it up real nice. She wears ridiculous designer outfits. She sold her wedding photos to OK! Magazine. She has no actual career and little intention of creating one. She bitch-slapped a random chick at a Chinese restaurant with a £1,500 Chloe handbag. She did give birth to two daughters, though her friendships with several Scouser gangster types have led to rumours about the true paternity of the Gerrard’s first-born. After giving birth, she shrunk to pre-pregnancy size within minutes. She’s still on vacation in St. Tropez whilst her man is back at work. Sure, she sometimes rocks a carb-face after one too many nights on the town, but her commitment to the cause is legendary – in Germany during the World Cup ’06, she took her own Fake Bake specialist with her and demanded that the screen erected at the WAGs hotel (to protect them from the paparazzi) be taken down.
Elen Rives, 29
Her relationship with Chelsea’s Frank Lampard is the stuff of daytime telly talk show legend. Engaged since the dawn of time, the couple hit a minor snag when Elen’s secret husband climbed out of the squalid Jordanian apartment he was sharing with ten other people and told the press they were still married. More damaging were his claims that Elen had dreamt of becoming an air hostess. Frank and Elen survived this, as well the rancid video of an orgy involving Frank, other footie stars and some fans that did the rounds online.
Ever the trooper, Elen moved past this by shopping. Every. Day. Every. Hour. Even when she was several thousand months’ pregnant, she continued to shop and represent the WAG spirit to perfection. Since Lamps was busted last month in Vegas with a “mysterious Eastern European” lady, Elen hasn’t been seen wearing her engagement ring. She has, however, still been seen living in their London mansion and working the hell out of the credit cards, so it’s safe to say the couple is on the road to recovery.
Others to consider…
Michelle Marsh – Page 3 girl, her hubby is Scottish baller Will Haining and not attractive. Had big magazine wedding and her claim to fame is for having "big, natural bosoms." She also released a horrific single called "I Don’t Do."
Cheryl Cole – sexy, looks good in a bikini [Ed. Note: and PVC] although she has some trashy ass tatts. Had a drama a few years ago when she got in a fight at a nightclub (with the woman who gives you mints in the bathroom). She was branded a racist and went to court over the attack, but defended herself by naming a friend of hers who was black as an example that she wasn’t a bigot.
Oksana Andersson – Her man (Christian Wilhelmsson) may play for Bolton, but even that can’t take away from the sizzle of this Russian import, who immigrated to Sweden at the age of 10. Until their recent move to the UK, Oksana was gainfully employed as a dancer for the Swedish electronica group, Sunblock and as a hostess for MonsterJam competitions. That someone this gorgeous would have a job is beyond comprehension – she’s getting much more attention in the UK than her man Wilhelm-what’s-his-face. Her biggest passion? “Being in front of a camera.” Welcome to the club, dahlink. [Ed.note: do look at Oksana's portfolio]
Noemie Lenoir – So, so gorgeous and a little classier than the rest.
Janelle Khouri – Classy rather than assy, Owen Hargreaves missus knows her way around the footie pitch (she represented for Canada in their U20 squad), and is a brainy fine-arts major. Few stories have ever emerged in the tabloids that involve cleavage falling out of her shirt or butt cheeks hanging out of her mini. Janelle rarely fraternizes with the other WAGs, and is seen as the thinking-man’s crumpet. In fact, she keeps it so low key she is barely deserving of the WAG moniker.