"Mister Vick! Mister Vick! Would you please sign my soapy hedgehog?"

We’ll just cut through the drama of setting up the Suck-Off and declare the obvious “winner”: Dallas Cowboys running back Tashard Choice. Choice had 7 rushes in Sunday’s loss to the Eagles for a whopping 16 yards last night, but then he lowered the bar even further when he found Michael Vick and asked him for an autograph.

This isn’t simply breaking unwritten rules. This is throwing the unwritten rulebook into the incinerator and starting an unwritten fire. It’s unfathomable that a guy could lose a close game to a division rival AT HOME and then finding the opposing quarterback. Okay, I just wish it was unfathomable. UPDATE: Choice has since apologized on Twitter, saying that the glove was intended for his young nephew.

Obviously, that still won’t sit well for a lot of football fans. But let’s be fair: if Tony Romo knew how to read, he appeared to be poised to do the same thing. But find me a better illustration of Vick’s resurgence of playmaking and popularity in the NFL. I’m not sure you can.

Other Suck-Off finalists who didn’t come up quite short enough:

Cincinnati Bengals. After sweeping their division last season, the Bengals are now 1-3 against AFC North foes. Nothing sums up the dichotomy between the Bengals and Steelers organization than these two tweets.

Washington Redskins. Donovan McNabb drives his team down the field in the rain to get his team to overtime against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, only to watch Hunter Smith fumble a high snap on what would have been the game-tying extra point. Here‘s a fan video of the botch.

ASYLUM POLL: Is the kicker over-valued in football?

For once, I have taken a side in KSK’s debate of the weekly “Meast” and “Least” awards. Well, for the Least anyway. While Ufford has been clamoring for the Saints as a team “Least” recipient. Not only did they let barely get into overtime against the Atlanta Falcons, but they clock-blocked themselves just before blocking the game-winning field goal after getting a stop on Atlanta’s opening drive in OT). My counter-argument for Hartley was pretty simple: If he makes that 29-yarder to win the game, none of that other stuff matters. Read the rest of this entry »

It’s a very strong field for the Suck-Off as we return from the break. Let’s meet our contestants.

• Orlando Magic. While everyone else was getting fluffed up for a Cavs-Magic masterpiece of a series, Cleveland forgot to do its part in getting past the Celtics. Orlando seems to be following suit, as they dropped Game 1 of the NBA Eastern Conference Finals, 92-88. Somebody needs to explain to me why it’s “Conference Finals” in the NBA and “Conference Final” (singular) in the NHL. Dwight Howard was held to 13 points. That’s the Dwight Howard that I remember from last year’s playoffs.
• Montreal Canadiens. Les habs got blown out in the first game of their conference final with the Flyers last night, 6-0. The NHL can’t really lose with this end of the final–they get a big-market team to play for the Stanley Cup Final either way, even if one resides north of the border. Still, Montreal shouldn’t be getting blown out in a conference final. We expected more from this scrappy 8-seed.
• The entire NL Central Divison. The Cincinnati Reds are leading the Central for the first time since 2007. Suck it, Cubs fans. I’ve loved this team ever since they dumped Ken Sleepy, Jr. in 2008. They’re like a minor league team that somehow got lost in a shopping mall.

And the winner is…Dwight Howard. Way to not show up for another big game, Dwight. At least now you’ll get a couple calls in Game 2. Also getting calls on Tuesday night: your mom. She’s just begging for it.

Lots of sucking off happened during the weekend, and why not, the weather was perfect for it. Perhaps the most momentous suck was NASCAR’s Jimmie Johnson crashing his car in the Dickies 500 yesterday, thereby eliminating his “insurmountable unless he crashes in the Dickies 500″ lead. So there’s that.

In college football, Alabama managed to stay unbeaten against LSU, in no small part to another questionable call from SEC officials. Look, we get it, a league has every incentive to keep its best teams undefeated until its championship game, but do you have to be so blatant about it?. These refs are like the real SEC on Wall Street, except nullifying Patrick Peterson’s INT didn’t force anyone to lose their house. Speaking of crooked refs: Iowa finally lost–to Northwestern [even though they should have lost that game to Indiana earlier in the year] and Penn State lost to Ohio State at home. And the Hype Train for Oregon was derailed mighty quickly; they lost to Stanford. Cal and Oklahoma also sucked in fine form Saturday. More #cfb</a>.

The New York Giants have lost four games in a row. That sucks! San Diego’s Philip Rivers found Vincent Jackson in the end zone to be Big Blue, 21-20, in the Meadowlands yesterday. More like “Big Blew,” amirite? But the biggest suckage of all–based on both overall suck magnitude and total gross weight–was the way that Eagles coach Andy Reid managed his team against the Cowboys in the Sunday night game. Reid wasted two challenges on spot calls in the second half (neither of which overturned the call on the field) and then opted for a long field goal with his team down by seven with about five minutes left in the game. I’ll ruin the ending for you: Dallas converted two first downs, the Eagles couldn’t stop the clock, and Philly lost by four. But at least Andy Reid can still hang his hat on being a good father…oh, wait.

Sucking vs. Mankind The Colorado Rockies were only two games behind the Dodgers after winning at home to start their big series with LA last Tuesday. Since then, Colorado has sucked greatly, losing five straight, including getting swept in a three-game set in San Francisco over the weekend. Edgar Renteria put the finishing touches on the Rockies with a grand slam in the 7th inning. The sweep allowed the Giants to pull even with the Rockies in the NL Wild Card race. That sucks.

Sucking vs. Society. Tiger Woods lost at the Barclays in Jersey by one shot yesterday, to a guy named Heath Slocum. I thought that guy played for the Cardinals? Anyway, Tiger missed a 7-footer on 18 Sunday that–ceteris paribus–would have put him in a playoff with Slocum. But even worse…they’re still playing golf?! Wasn’t the PGA like three weeks ago? Oh, I guess everyone’s still mailing it in for the FedEx Cup. See what I did there? No? Eh, forget it.

Sucking vs. Nature. Todd Haley is just the kind of prick the Kansas City Chiefs organization needed, and I say that with nothing but love. The culture of perennial mediocrity can be a difficult mold to break, especially in the modern NFL. And doubly especially when your $63 million quarterback sprains his MCL. He’s on the shelf for 2-4 weeks. That sucks. Unless you hate the Chiefs, and then it’s somewhat humerous.

Sucking vs. Self. The Bengals finally signed Andre Smith, making contract diva Michael Crabtree the last first-rounder taken in the NFL draft that has yet to sign with his team. ESPN reported earlier today that the 49ers expect Crabtree to sign before the start of the season, which probably won’t be so bad, especially when all of your work colleagues have their names sewn onto the backs of their shirts.

There’s already too much to cover as we get back into the weekday swing of things. We’ve missed three NBA playoff games, a couple hockey games, some car race, and Jeremy Shockey’s big pool party at the Hard Rock in Vegas, which is only a great place to visit if you’re visiting someone there whom you’ve been paid to kill. But I digress.

Our precious Nike-laden Kobe-LeBron Finals matchup is in serious peril now; with Orlando and Denver having won their most recent conference finals matchups against the Cavs and Lakers, respectively. We were among those that warned everyone about how the Nuggets could make a run at the Finals (why didn’t the Lakers listen?!), but the real surprise has been how Orlando has managed to creep into the Eastern finals on the heels of a public meltdown between their coach and their star player. Curious? Yes. Suck-off worthy? Sadly, no.

There was that fuzzy little foreigner, Mario Moraes, who crashed in the first lap of the Indy 500 on Sunday, taking out Marco Andretti in the process. Moraes then cried to the TV cameras, saying that he was holding his line, and blamed the wreck on Andretti. That’s a suck-off winner on any other 2-day weekend.

No, the suck de la suck goes to Jose Canseco, who managed to find an MMA circuit that doesn’t perform steroid testing. Canseco was in the Dream Super Hulk tournament, fighting 7-foot-2-inch Hong Man Choi in Yokohama, and this thing goes a little further than you might originally expect. But the ending leaves me satisfied. And it’s really the happy ending that makes a suck-off a suck-off.