Sucking vs. Mankind The Colorado Rockies were only two games behind the Dodgers after winning at home to start their big series with LA last Tuesday. Since then, Colorado has sucked greatly, losing five straight, including getting swept in a three-game set in San Francisco over the weekend. Edgar Renteria put the finishing touches on the Rockies with a grand slam in the 7th inning. The sweep allowed the Giants to pull even with the Rockies in the NL Wild Card race. That sucks.
Sucking vs. Society. Tiger Woods lost at the Barclays in Jersey by one shot yesterday, to a guy named Heath Slocum. I thought that guy played for the Cardinals? Anyway, Tiger missed a 7-footer on 18 Sunday that–ceteris paribus–would have put him in a playoff with Slocum. But even worse…they’re still playing golf?! Wasn’t the PGA like three weeks ago? Oh, I guess everyone’s still mailing it in for the FedEx Cup. See what I did there? No? Eh, forget it.
Sucking vs. Nature. Todd Haley is just the kind of prick the Kansas City Chiefs organization needed, and I say that with nothing but love. The culture of perennial mediocrity can be a difficult mold to break, especially in the modern NFL. And doubly especially when your $63 million quarterback sprains his MCL. He’s on the shelf for 2-4 weeks. That sucks. Unless you hate the Chiefs, and then it’s somewhat humerous.
Sucking vs. Self. The Bengals finally signed Andre Smith, making contract diva Michael Crabtree the last first-rounder taken in the NFL draft that has yet to sign with his team. ESPN reported earlier today that the 49ers expect Crabtree to sign before the start of the season, which probably won’t be so bad, especially when all of your work colleagues have their names sewn onto the backs of their shirts.
There’s already too much to cover as we get back into the weekday swing of things. We’ve missed three NBA playoff games, a couple hockey games, some car race, and Jeremy Shockey’s big pool party at the Hard Rock in Vegas, which is only a great place to visit if you’re visiting someone there whom you’ve been paid to kill. But I digress.
Our precious Nike-laden Kobe-LeBron Finals matchup is in serious peril now; with Orlando and Denver having won their most recent conference finals matchups against the Cavs and Lakers, respectively. We were among those that warned everyone about how the Nuggets could make a run at the Finals (why didn’t the Lakers listen?!), but the real surprise has been how Orlando has managed to creep into the Eastern finals on the heels of a public meltdown between their coach and their star player. Curious? Yes. Suck-off worthy? Sadly, no.
There was that fuzzy little foreigner, Mario Moraes, who crashed in the first lap of the Indy 500 on Sunday, taking out Marco Andretti in the process. Moraes then cried to the TV cameras, saying that he was holding his line, and blamed the wreck on Andretti. That’s a suck-off winner on any other 2-day weekend.
No, the suck de la suck goes to Jose Canseco, who managed to find an MMA circuit that doesn’t perform steroid testing. Canseco was in the Dream Super Hulk tournament, fighting 7-foot-2-inch Hong Man Choi in Yokohama, and this thing goes a little further than you might originally expect. But the ending leaves me satisfied. And it’s really the happy ending that makes a suck-off a suck-off.
NBA: There Are No Lakes In LA, Just Cocaine. The Houston Rockets–without Yao Ming–ran the Lakers up and down the floor in their Game 4 yesterday, trouncing the Western Conference favorites, 99-87. It was Houston’s Aaron Brooks (pictured) who led all scorers with 34 points. Kobe was held to 15 points on 7-of-17 shooting. That series is tied, 2-2.
Also, the Celtics tied their series with Orlando after Glen Davis hit a game-winning deuce with time running out [video after the jump]. They go back to Boston for Game 5 tomorrow…Denver and Cleveland can advance to their respective conference finals with wins tonight.
NHL: Unoriginal. The Red Wings, Blackhawks, Hurricanes, and Penguins each hold a 3-2 advantage in their series. Chicago and Pittsburgh could wrap up their series with wins tonight. Why Chicago is in the Western Conference, I’ll never understand.
Golf. Tiger didn’t win.
Baseball. Nationals third baseman Ryan Zimmerman has now hit safely in 28 consecutive games. And Reds pitcher Micah Owings hit a home run. I would say that he helped his own cause, but that’s gayer than those pink bats they used yesterday.
This Week In Cocaine. French tennis player Richard Gasquet failed two tests for cocaine and will be suspended. Even worse, Gasquet is French. Read the rest of this entry »
There were plenty of poor performances to choose from this week, but we’ve narrowed it down to three.
Team USA was finally eliminated from the World Basebalzzzzzzzzz after losing to Japan last night, 9-4. The loss marks the end of a wayward odyssey for an American team plagued by injuries and conflicting interests between the national team, the players, and the players’ teams. Notably terrible last night was Adam Dunn, who followed up his wild throw from first base on Wednesday with an 0-for-4 night at the plate, and even quit on fielding a line drive for good measure. He’s like the white Manny Ramirez! Except not as marketable! He’s like John Goodman, but without the nuance. Enjoy him, Washington.
In Illinois high school hoops, Coach Thorpe’s North Lawndale College Prep boys’ squad were assessed a technical foul for wearing uniforms that were deemed illegal by officials; they lost the game by one point. While everyone wants to cry about the fact that no other opponent cited the fact that the stripes on the jerseys exceeded the four-inch limit, no one seems to be too worked up about the fact that a school (and probably the coach himself) ordered uniforms that were unfit for play. And frankly, pretty damn ugly.
But Marquette’s Lazar Hayward probably had the biggest suck of all, if only because it happened on the grand stage of the NCAA tournament. With his team down by two with the ball and time running out, Hayward went under the hoop to inbound, but stepped on the baseline, turning the ball over and taking his team’s chance to win right out of their hands. And that was the unkindest suck of all.
Wild Card weekend shot its wad on Saturday, leaving us a pair of miserable Sunday games. Quick caps:
Suck-Off winner is a tie between Pennington and T-Jack. Pennington’s numbers were worse (4 INTs), but man oh man, it blows my mind that Tarvaris Jackson in an NFL quarterback. He is horrible.
Jevon Kearse and the Titans celebrate a 9-0 record with a little wit
By my count, there were five games yesterday in which the team that had been outplayed most of the game had a chance to win or tie in the final two minutes — and all five lost.
