Even as the Miami Dolphins are 0-4 and most fans – this handsome blogger included – are leaning toward the “Suck for Luck” campaign, there are two immediate roadblocks to a 0-16 season. First, most professional athletes are too proud to purposely play for a winless season. Just ask Dwight Freeney, who recently proclaimed that the Colts won’t suck for anyone. Second, no matter how bad they are, the Dolphins always play to win against the New York Jets. Just ask Brandon Marshall, who vows to play like a monster when the two teams meet on Monday Night Football.

“I think the past four games have been tough for me, trying to control some things, and, hey man, I’m just going to let it out,” Marshall said of his emotions.

“I don’t care if I have two, three cameras on me. I don’t care if I have penalties. It doesn’t matter; I’m going to let it all out. I don’t care what you guys write or what the commentators say. I’m just going to play football. That’s what I’m best at. I’m best when I play emotional. I’m best when I play with passion. You guys are going to see that on Monday Night Football. I don’t know if it’s throwing a football 15 yards in the bleachers, or getting a 15-yarder [penalty], or punting the ball and getting thrown out of the game. But something is going to happen. I’ll probably get kicked out after the second quarter.”

(Via the Miami Herald)

Memo to B-Marsh from fantasy football enthusiasts: Please don’t.

So is the oft-angry underachiever serious? You bet your scarred stomach he is.

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On Monday, we told you how Hank Williams Jr. was dealing with being fired from ESPN due to a violation of Godwin’s Law by writing a song that throws ESPN and ‘Fox & Friends’ under the bus, and if you took “he’s going to read bumper sticker slogans over one of his old song” in your office’s Hank Williams Jr. Pool, collect your winnings; the new version of “Keep The Change” has been released on HankJr.com, and it comes pretty close to being the “The Times They Are a-Changin’” of this generation.

In addition to using the phrase “Don’t Tread On Me” with zero irony or self-awareness, the song calls out ‘Fox & Friends’ for their “gotcha journalism” (because filming somebody saying something stupid is an underhanded tactic of the liberal media) and sorta indirectly suggests that the only way to keep your family safe is to own a bunch of guns and never watch ‘SportsCenter’. “Yeah, you can keep FOX and Friends and ESPN outta your homes, too” the song announces. “‘Cuz Bocephus and all his rowdy friends and his song is outta there!” I think at one point he stops saying words and just yells “derp” into the microphone, but that might be my brain shutting down.

And about those odds I presented at the end of Monday’s story, he checks off every single one of them before the end of the first verse:

I’ll keep my freedom
I’ll keep my guns
Try to keep my money
And my religion too

ESPN’s Jonathan Coachman should record a left-wing parody of “Who Shot Ya” as a response. I’m willing to write it for him and everything. “Niggas know/the lyrical molesting is taking place/f**kin’ with ESPN/it ain’t safe”.

Here is a quick recap of Are You Ready For Some-gate:

1. ESPN pulls Hank Williams Jr.’s “Are You Ready For Some Football?” theme from their Monday Night Football broadcast following the country singer’s appearance on “Fox & Friends”, wherein he suggested President Barack Obama playing golf with House Speaker John Boehner was “like Hitler playing golf with Netanyahu.”
2. Bocephus apologizes, saying the comments were dumb.
3. ESPN decides to part ways with Williams, because “football” is the reason people watch Monday Night Football.
4. Bocephus suddenly starts backing his comments again, saying he quit to support Freedom Of Speech, or something.
5. ESPN just gets Barry Sanders to do the Monday Night Football intro, because football is the only important part of Monday Night Football.

So, knowing what you know about professional football and Hank Williams Jr., what should be number 6? If you guessed “Bocephus records a ‘Fox & Friends’ diss track about ‘gotcha journalism’ because Fox & Friends ‘got’ him comparing the black President to Hitler”, you’re correct! Give yourself a prize, which should be “never listening to this song”.

Williams wrote the topical third verse of “I’ll Keep My …” when he woke up Friday morning and he and a group of players laid it down in a Nashville studio by Friday afternoon. It could be on iTunes late Monday or early Tuesday.

In the song Williams, son of country music icon Hank Williams, says “Fox & Friends” hosts twisted his words: “So Fox ‘n Friends wanna put me down/Ask for my opinion/Twist it all around.” He finishes the verse: “Well two can play that gotcha game you’ll see.”

And the best part, in case you thought this might turn out well for him:

Early in the song, he says the U.S. is “going down the drain” and says it’s becoming “The United Socialist States of America.” He mentions keeping “Fox & Friends” and ESPN out of your home toward the end of the song.

The ellipses after “I’ll Keep My …” really set the chorus up for a knockout blow, and I can’t wait to hear it. I bet he thinks we think he’ll say “mouth shut”, but he won’t! Here are some odds on how that sentence ends:

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The rumors are true. Following the events of Hank Williams Jr. Obama Hitlergate, Hall Of Fame running back Barry Sanders will don the feathered cowboy hat and alcoholic-sized sunglasses to sing a raucous Country tune about how great it would’ve been if the South won the Civil War that will have its lyrics changed to be about football readiness and played for about forty seconds during a video package on Monday nights.

From the Detroit Free Press:

“Ok, I admit it,” Barry Sanders tweeted. “I will be at MNF this week and doing the intro.”

Said ESPN spokesman Josh Krulewitz, “This is the format we’ll likely use the remainder of the season. We haven’t made any decisions beyond that.”

In all seriousness, Barry won’t be singing, as we’ve seen what a musical buzzkill he can be. The idea of getting a legendary player from the area to do an intro for one of ESPN’s glossy hype videos is a great idea, and lightyears better than whatever equivalent they’d come up to Faith Hill listing off football terms. But what’s going to happen when they go somewhere like Jacksonville? Who’s gonna do the intro for the Jaguars, Steve Beuerlein?

Hopefully Bocephus watches the game from his woodland shack (or wherever), sees a black guy doing his job, and jumps on Skype to tell all his rowdy friends how Barry Sanders is exactly like Pol Pot.

On Monday morning, country music legend Hank Williams Jr. (a man who, as The Daily Show With Jon Stewart pointed out, once fell off a mountain and cracked open his skull so badly he had to hold in his own brain) evoked Godwin’s Law and used the phrase “it’d be like Hitler” to start a sentence about President Barack Obama. This prompted ESPN to pull the singer’s classic “Are You Ready For Some Football?” theme from Monday Night Football, and as of this morning the Worldwide Leader In Football Preparedness decided to pull the song forever. Forever!

“We have decided to part ways with Hank Williams, Jr. We appreciate his contributions over the past years. The success of Monday Night Football has always been about the games and that will continue.”

Hanks response to the firing was the only thing you can write on the Internet more “Internet” than “blank is like Hitler”:

“After reading hundreds of e-mails, I have made MY decision. By pulling my opening Oct 3rd, You (ESPN) stepped on the Toes of The First Amendment Freedom of Speech, so therefore Me, My Song, and All My Rowdy Friends are OUT OF HERE. It’s been a great run.” — Hank Williams Jr

He managed to hit all the best message-boards-and-comments-sections points, like

1. I am extremely popular and get hundreds of e-mails about everything.
2. I’m the only person who makes decisions.
3. I didn’t get fired, I quit
4. Anything that happens to me for saying something stupid is a violation of the First Amendment, also known as “I thought this was America”.
5. I am humble and appreciative despite all the weird mean things I’ve just said.
6. Signing his name to the end of a paragraph identified as being from him, posted on HankJr.com.

The only thing that would’ve made it better is if he’d admitted he was in the wrong a few days before. Wait, whoops!

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He comes from country music royalty and he’s been the voice of Monday Night Football for over twenty years, but it’s not all about music for this country superstar — he knows about Godwin’s Law, too.

In an interview Monday morning on Fox News’ “Fox & Friends”, Hank Williams Jr., the auteur responsible for MNF’s “All My Rowdy Friends Are Here on Monday Night” theme, said that House Speaker John Boehner made a major mistake by playing golf with President Barack Obama, adding, “It’d be like Hitler playing golf with (Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin) Netanyahu.” Asked to clarify, Williams said: “They’re the enemy,” adding that by “they” he meant Obama and Vice President Joe Biden. Nobody asked him whether or not Fox & Friends was a joke for talking to Hank Williams Jr. of all people about politics, and it can neither be confirmed nor denied that Bocephus likes the House Speaker because his name sounds like boner.

From an AP Report:

BRISTOL, Conn. (AP) – ESPN is pulling Hank Williams Jr.’s classic intro song from its broadcast of Monday night’s NFL game after the country singer famous for the line “Are you ready for some football?” used an analogy to Adolf Hitler in discussing President Barack Obama.

“While Hank Williams Jr. is not an ESPN employee, we recognize that he is closely linked to our company through the open to ‘Monday Night Football,’” ESPN said in a statement. “We are extremely disappointed with his comments, and as a result we have decided to pull the open from tonight’s telecast.”

You can watch video of the comments here. Be warned: the video contains an excruciatingly high amount of Fox and Friends.

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