“Nice coat.” “It’s my bench-warming parka.”

It was a great weekend to bet on road teams in the NFL. Home teams went 3-11 yesterday, getting outscored 415-305 in the sucktastic process.  So bully for you, Baltimore, Dallas, and Atlanta: you’re the only home teams that defended your turf yesterday.

But that’s all the praise I’m allotted in the Suck-Off.  Let’s look at some of this week’s contenders for shittiest on-field performance:

Titans receivers.  Granted, most of the credit for smudging Tennessee’s perfect record should go to the Jets for their excellent performance, but it’s time people started talking about how having a shitty receiver corps is a genuine weakness.  And the drops were team-wide yesterday: RBs, TEs, and WRs all contributed to a shoddy first half that saw five drops in just over a quarter of play.

Brady Quinn, Donovan McNabb.  One’s a youngster making his third start, one’s an All-Pro with Super Bowl experience.  No matter: they both sucked yesterday, and they both got benched for it.  Quinn threw two picks and was generally awful at home against the Texans; McNabb saw Quinn’s two picks and raised him a fumble in one half of play against the Ravens, who allowed only a return TD in their 36-7 shellacking of the Eagles.

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I want more points!  Sure, there were plenty of games that produced healthy scores, but none of yesterday’s headlining games could produce healthy offensive outputs.

The Sunday night showdown between Dallas and Washington: 14-10 ‘Boys.  The afternoon’s late featured game: an 11-10 Steelers victory, a game so points-averse that the refs made up rules just to negate touchdowns.  The Titans may have won 24-14, but all their TDs came through the air; is it even a Tennessee game if LenDale and Chris Johnson aren’t scoring?  There was a similar story in Atlanta, where the 24-20 Broncos win was a letdown after the anticipation of a fantasy bonanza against two subpar defenses — none of the heralded receivers scored a touchdown.

Those were all disappointing, but nothing was quite as much of a letdown as this week’s winner of the Suck-Off.

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J.T. O’Sullivan prepares to suck enough to get benched

Here’s what sucked in the NFL yesterday:

• The Giants’ red-zone offense and James Harrison’s long-snapping. [recap]
• Everything about the Bengals. [recap]
• Brett Favre’s holier-than-thou attitude after throwing three interceptions as the Jets had to come back to eke out a win at home against the lowly Chiefs.  Eat a dick, Bretty boy. [recap]
• The NFL’s ridiculous rules that kept CBS from showing the end of the Chargers-Saints game live.
• Everything about the 13-9 crapfest between the Bucs and Cowboys.
• The Cardinals’ inability to hold a two-touchdown lead in the second half. [recap]

Bonus suck points for the punter who made a tackle by leaping onto a returner’s back.  The ol’ piggyback tackle, favored by younger brothers and grade-schoolers everywhere.  Tip of the cap to whomever can tell me who that was. UPDATE: It was Steve Weatherford of the Chiefs. Thanks to “cubs choke bears gag” for solving the mystery.

Plenty of suckiness to go around yesterday, especially if you had the misfortune of watching the dreary Raiders-Jets overtime game or the Browns-Redskins slog.  Some teams performed with the expected amount of suckiness — the Lions, Chiefs, Seahawks, and Bengals all looked like their usual crappy selves — while others took the opportunity to look at their level of sky-high potential and skill and say, “Let’s take the week off, fellas.”  This latter category includes the Saints, whose high-powered offense was stifled by the Panthers, and the Colts, who just look old and slow and generally bad this season.

Our special category for sucking today, though, focuses on aging journeymen quarterbacks whose best qualities have always been how good they look holding a clipboard.  Sometimes in the NFL, these men start games.  And they end up playing like Gus Frerotte, whose four interceptions single-handedly kept the Vikings from winning the 48-41 slugfest in Chicago.  (Although to be fair, the Vikes’ special teams deserves equal blame for that one.  Who knew punting was so hard?)

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It was the Sunday of the large squandered lead, as the Packers, Vikings, and Broncos saw large advantages evaporate, though only the Vikings sucked enough to allow that to result in a loss. Minnesota dominated all aspects of their game against Indianapolis except those that associated with the complete ineptitude of quarterback Tarvaris Jackson,

Of course, many teams managed to suck without even bothering to blow leads. The Chiefs, a team to be commended for their Tom Brady-injuring abilities, got dominated by the Raiders and their lame duck coach. The Jaguars, despite being a preseason Super Bowl contender, fell to the Bills at home to drop to 0-2. The Jets’ vaunted new attack only managed 10 points in their 8th straight home loss to the Patriots. Seattle committed two red zone turnovers and gave up over 300 yards passing to, yes, J.T. O’Sullivan. Last year’s breakout Pro Bowl QB, Derek Anderson, threw two critical interceptions in the Browns’ 10th straight loss to the Steelers. The Rams were to able to hang around against the Giants well into the third quarter before getting blown away 41-13. And the Dolphins lost by three scores to Arizona, which was heretofore thought impossible.

But all those suck jobs pale in comparison to the one put on by Ed Hochuli in Denver. Eddie Guns blew the whistle prematurely on Jay Cutler’s obvious fumble, rendering the play unable to be fumbled, after the review equipment failed earlier in the game. I’d chastise him further, but he’d probably snap my head off.

Welcome to a very special afternoon edition of the Monday Morning Suck-Off.  Contrary to popular opinion, the Seahawks' loss to the Saints has nothing to do with the lateness of the Suck-Off, although Mike Holmgren and Joe Gibbs (whose Redskins pissed away several opportunities to win) deserve special mentions as the suckiest coaches who still have jobs because they won a Super Bowl a long time ago.

Who else sucks?  The Bengals fell to 1-4 against the Chiefs, the Dolphins remained winless, the Cardinals got beaten by Vinny Testaverde, and the Bears (photo, above) showed the proper respect to PURPLE JESUS, kneeling in His presence whenever he ran by.  PURPLE JESUS finished with 224 yards and three touchdowns on 20 carries while adding a 55-yard kickoff return that set up the game-wining field goal.  Amen.

But the most suck-tastic team in the NFL?  The injury-depleted Rams, who lost 22-3 in Baltimore behind Gus Frerotte's six turnovers (five INT's and a lost fumble).  I don't care what the t-shirts say, Frerotte is not fr'real.  The way he got handled by the Baltimore D, he should consider a name change to Gus Frottage.

NOTE: This whore can die in a fire.