We’ll get to the NFL Draft shortly, but it seems more apropos to lead off with recappings of actual games. I know, I know. I hate it as much as you do. That’s why we’re knocking this out with bullet points. Fortunately, I put on my bullet point proof vest before coming in to work. Hey, it’s Monday morning. What do you want from me?

• Heat 101, Celtics 92, Celtics lead 3-1. Last night was the first time in seven games with the C’s that the Heat managed to pull out a win. And calling a team “The C’s” is kinda gay. Dwyane Wade had 46 points; he also shot 14 free throws. Boston shot 27. As a team. I’m not saying…I’m just saying.
• Cavaliers 121, Bulls 98, Cavs lead series 3-1. LeBron led all scorers with 37. By the way, none of these first-round series have been decided yet. Is it just me or has this round been going on for two weeks?
• Jose Aldo destroyed Urjah Faber in WEC 48 this past weekend.
• This happened. Somebody needs to explain why Matt Millen is still on TV. I don’t see a football analyst with any on-camera skill. I see the worst general manager in the history of sports.
• Vancouver, Philly, Pittsburgh and San Jose have won their first-round playoff series in the Stanley Cup Playoffs. Chicago, Washington and Boston can lock up their series with wins tonight.

Oh, and the Red Sox lost, but screw them. The NFL Draft just owned most of these events on its way to setting record viewership numbers. But there were other sports going on, believe it or not, and these were those sports. If I get any draft withdrawal next week, I could just start reading random names out of a phone book. With the first pick, the Bengals select…Abbott, Aaron A. 3490 Maple Street. Oh, that guy’s got a good motor…

Jay Cutler only threw one interception in the Bears’ Sunday Night game, but he made it count, lofting a ball into the hands of the Eagles’ Sean Jones as the Bears lost (and Eagles covered!), 24-20.

Sometimes it’s better to let people question your sanity on fourth down than to leave your offense on the field and remove all doubt. That supposedly was the lesson learned after Belichick’s Gamble on 4th and 2 last week. Yale football coach Tom Williams must have sick that day; in his team’s biggest game of the year against Harvard with a 10-7 lead…he calls a fake punt ON 4TH AND 22. Spoiler alert: they didn’t get it, and Yale lost, 14-10.

The Washington Redskins have found a new scapegoat in Shaun Suisham. The annoyingly-named Redskins kicker missed a 50-yard field goal attempt that would have put his team up by two scores (9-0), only to watch Tony Romo drive his team down the field, an effort culminating in a “Sure you don’t wanna run that in?” TD pass to Patrick Crayton, his only catch of the day. Danielskins lose, 7-6.

The Bengals found another fun way to lose a game. With their game against the Raiders tied, 20-20. Cincinnati’s Andre Caldwell fumbled the ensuing kickoff. Not even the Raiders could screw up the game-winning field goal, and scrub quarterback Bruce Gradkowski (17/34, 183, 2 TDs, 1 pick) wins his first start since 2006, 23-20 20-17.

Who did we miss? Let us know in the comments. Or don’t. I’m not your mother.

WOW.  Christmas came three days late this year.  Yesterday was, without a doubt, the single awesomest week of games in NFL regular season history.  To wit:

• The Cowboys needed to win to get in the playoffs.  They were instead humiliated by the Eagles, 44-6.
• The Broncos, having already blown most of a three-game lead with three weeks to play, needed to win to make the playoffs.  They were blown out by the Chargers, who by the way were 4-8 a month ago (sexy and sulky screencaps from Sunday Night Football, courtesy KSK, after the jump).
• The Jets needed to win for a chance at the playoffs.  Instead, Brett Favre awesomely threw three interceptions (including a pick-6) as discarded Chad Pennington and the Dolphins grabbed the AFC East title.  Favre had a 2:9 TD-INT ratio during the Jets’ late-season collapse in which they lost four out of five after unseating the Titans’ unbeaten season.  (UPDATE: Eric Mangini fired. Because he was the one who cut Pennington for Favre, you know.) Even better…
• …the Jets’ loss ensured that the Patriots, finishing at 11-5, will miss the postseason.  Half of the teams playing next week in the Wild Card round have records worse than the Patriots.  And do you want to know why, Boston?  Why a just God would allow such an unfair thing to happen?  It’s because you people are assholes. It’s your own fault, really.
• Bonus sucking: The Buccaneers, once playoff locks at 9-3, finished the season by losing four straight games after defensive coordinator Monte Kiffin said he’d join his son at Tennessee next year.  Makes me feel pretty good about my team sucking ALL year.

But there’s only one team that could possibly garner Week 17 honors in the Monday Morning Suck-Off.

Congratulations, Detroit Lions.  An 0-16 season from the worst professional football team ever is truly Matt Millen’s crowning achievement.  It took him eight years of building shitty football teams to finally get it just right, and he really nailed it on his way out.  **kisses fingers** I’m actually kind of jealous of Lions fans.  That’s the kind of suffering you can really wear as a badge of honor.

Speaking of suffering, you can find way more Jay Cutler sad faces here.

The Suck-Off exists to celebrate the worst in the NFL every week, but I can’t help but tip my cap (cap, propeller-beanie, same thing) to the Giants and Titans, who both secured home-field advantage throughout the playoffs with hard-nosed victories over the toughest opponents each conference had to offer. 

But enough of this success thing — I mean, the Jets screwed themselves out of a playoff spot by losing to the lowly Seahawks!  Mmmm-mm!  That is some delicious sucking.  A robust choke flavor, with a bouquet of Favre interceptions and a bitter finish.  Excellent vintage.

Other choke jobs of note: the Eagles pissed away solid playoff hopes by managing only a field goal in their 10-3 loss to the Redskins.  The game ended with Philly inches away from a tying touchdown.  Ouch.  What a beautiful loss.  And the Broncos deserve credit for their loss to the Bills in a multi-week meltdown that has given the Chargers a chance to steal the AFC crown from them next week (Note: AFC crown made of rusted corrugated metal smeared with feces).

Our runners-up this week for the Suck-Off title are the Lions, who made it to 0-15 and looked terrible doing so against the Saints, and the Cardinals, who completely failed to show up in snowy New England.  Thanks for the one fantasy point, Kurt Warner.  You asshole.

This week’s winner is the Browns, who have somehow looked even worse than the Lions over the last several weeks.  And by “somehow” I mean “by starting Ken Dorsey.”  Cleveland got shut out at home by the Bengals — yes, those Bengals — and if I remember correctly, they’ve only scored one touchdown in the last four weeks.  That is spectacularly awful, and I love it.

Once again, there was no shortage of heartbreak, disappointment, and abject failure in the NFL, and as usual there’s no better place to celebrate all that than in the Monday Morning Suck-Off.  The best of yesterday’s worst all took a careful look at their playoff chances or positioning and said, “You know what? Screw it.”

This is true of the Redskins, who erased the remnants of their playoff hopes with a 20-13 stinkbomb against the putrid Bengals, while the Giants failed to imrpove their dominant playoff position with a no-show against the quarrelsome Cowboys, New York’s second consecutive loss.  The Titans had an opportunity to clinch home-field advantage throughout the playoffs, but instead got shut out of the end zone in their 13-12 defeat at the hands of the Texans.  Baltimore, playing at home for the chance to steal the AFC North crown, also failed to score a touchdown in a 13-9 loss to the Steelers in which the referees mercifully gave Pittsburgh a last-minute touchdown to prevent a dreary game from going into overtime at 9-9.

Other notable Suck-Off accomplishments go to the Cardinals, who let Tarvaris Jackson throw four touchdown passes, and the Chiefs, who squandered a 21-3 third quarter lead and allowed two touchdowns and a successful onside kick to the Chargers in the final 1:19 of their 22-21 loss.

But no one sucked harder yesterday than Dick Jauron and J.P. Losman, who gifted yesterday’s game to the Jets.  Nursing a 27-24 lead just before the two-minute warning, the Bills needed only a first down to seal the game, and a worst-case scenario (three runs and a punt) would have left the Jets with almost no time to even tie the game.  Except the REAL worst-case scenario was Jauron calling a passing play on first down, Losman getting sacked and fumbling the ball, and the Jets returning it for a game-winning touchdown.  Merry Christmas, Dick.  You’re totally fired.

But let’s focus on the shitty football, shall we?  Here’s who sucked:

The Bills.  The 49ers got a touchdown on the opening drive, and that was enough for the win as Buffalo could manage only one field goal in four trips to the red zone at home.  Against the Niners. Kicker Rian Lindell, who earlier this season starred in Wide Right: The Sequel, clanked two attempts off the uprights.  The 10-3 loss virtually eliminates Buffalo from playoff contention.

The Bengals.  Cincinnati really deserves some kind of award for sucking this hard every week.  The Ravens compiled a highlight reel of big offensive plays in a 34-3 rout, while Ryan Fitzpatrick (12-31, 124 yards) began thinking about spending his offseason studying for the GMAT.  Cedric Benson continued the legacy he began in Chicago, gaining 17 yards in ten carries.

Miami-St. Louis.  Who needs touchdowns when you’ve got a kicking game?  The Rams kicked four field goals to the Dolphins’ three, making Ronnie Brown’s three-yard score — the game’s only TD — the difference in a 16-12 bore-athon.

But there can only be one Suck-Off winner, and the clear victor this week is anything and everything that had anything to do with the unrivaled crapocity of the Colts’ 10-6 win over the Browns.  Peyton Manning managed just 125 yards passing against a crappy Cleveland team, and the game’s only touchdown was a late fumble recovery return by the defense.  Of note: Derek Anderson left with a knee injury, leaving Ken Dorsey to finish the game and serve as a giant metaphor for how the teams played.

It was a great weekend to bet on road teams in the NFL. Home teams went 3-11 yesterday, getting outscored 415-305 in the sucktastic process.  So bully for you, Baltimore, Dallas, and Atlanta: you’re the only home teams that defended your turf yesterday.

But that’s all the praise I’m allotted in the Suck-Off.  Let’s look at some of this week’s contenders for shittiest on-field performance:

Titans receivers.  Granted, most of the credit for smudging Tennessee’s perfect record should go to the Jets for their excellent performance, but it’s time people started talking about how having a shitty receiver corps is a genuine weakness.  And the drops were team-wide yesterday: RBs, TEs, and WRs all contributed to a shoddy first half that saw five drops in just over a quarter of play.

Brady Quinn, Donovan McNabb.  One’s a youngster making his third start, one’s an All-Pro with Super Bowl experience.  No matter: they both sucked yesterday, and they both got benched for it.  Quinn threw two picks and was generally awful at home against the Texans; McNabb saw Quinn’s two picks and raised him a fumble in one half of play against the Ravens, who allowed only a return TD in their 36-7 shellacking of the Eagles.

Lions, Rams.  These two get a permanent spot in the Suck-Off rotation just by showing up every week.  Or rather, by not showing up.  The Rams are bad enough with all their starters; injuries do not become them, as the 27-3 loss to Chicago showed.  Meanwhile, the Lions jumped out to a 17-0 lead in the first quarter.  It was gone by halftime, as the Bucs cruised 38-20.

Matt Hasselbeck.  Oh, Matt Hasselbeck, I remember the days when you were a reliable quarterback who didn’t throw back-breaking interceptions.  I also remember a time before that, when you were an unreliable quarterback who threw back-breaking interceptions.  So I guess it’s come full circle.

Neil Rackers.  As Jimbo Jones might say: way to kick, no-kick.

The Broncos. WTF?  The Raiders kicked your asses?  In Denver?

But without a doubt, the winner of this week’s Suck-Off goes to…

Matt Cassel.  Oh sure, throwing for 415 yards and three touchdowns while running for another in leading your team to victory looks good on paper, but you know the Patriots are still missing Tom Whatshisface.  Fuck Matt Cassel.

And yes, maybe I faced him in fantasy this week.

Photo: Getty Images

I want more points!  Sure, there were plenty of games that produced healthy scores, but none of yesterday’s headlining games could produce healthy offensive outputs.

The Sunday night showdown between Dallas and Washington: 14-10 ‘Boys.  The afternoon’s late featured game: an 11-10 Steelers victory, a game so points-averse that the refs made up rules just to negate touchdowns.  The Titans may have won 24-14, but all their TDs came through the air; is it even a Tennessee game if LenDale and Chris Johnson aren’t scoring?  There was a similar story in Atlanta, where the 24-20 Broncos win was a letdown after the anticipation of a fantasy bonanza against two subpar defenses — none of the heralded receivers scored a touchdown.

Those were all disappointing, but nothing was quite as much of a letdown as this week’s winner of the Suck-Off.

That honor belongs to the Eagles-Bengals game.  Unlike what some people are saying, I didn’t hate this game because it ended in a tie.  I hated it because both teams refused to score.  The lack of desire was palpable.  And yes, the quote of the day goes to Donovan McNabb:

That’s exactly the kind of apathy the Bengals and Eagles played with for 75 minutes.

Here’s what sucked in the NFL yesterday:

• The Giants’ red-zone offense and James Harrison’s long-snapping. [recap]
• Everything about the Bengals. [recap]
• Brett Favre’s holier-than-thou attitude after throwing three interceptions as the Jets had to come back to eke out a win at home against the lowly Chiefs.  Eat a dick, Bretty boy. [recap]
• The NFL’s ridiculous rules that kept CBS from showing the end of the Chargers-Saints game live.
• Everything about the 13-9 crapfest between the Bucs and Cowboys.
• The Cardinals’ inability to hold a two-touchdown lead in the second half. [recap]

Bonus suck points for the punter who made a tackle by leaping onto a returner’s back.  The ol’ piggyback tackle, favored by younger brothers and grade-schoolers everywhere.  Tip of the cap to whomever can tell me who that was. UPDATE: It was Steve Weatherford of the Chiefs. Thanks to “cubs choke bears gag” for solving the mystery.

Our special category for sucking today, though, focuses on aging journeymen quarterbacks whose best qualities have always been how good they look holding a clipboard.  Sometimes in the NFL, these men start games.  And they end up playing like Gus Frerotte, whose four interceptions single-handedly kept the Vikings from winning the 48-41 slugfest in Chicago.  (Although to be fair, the Vikes’ special teams deserves equal blame for that one.  Who knew punting was so hard?)

Frerotte, however, comes in second place behind this week’s Suck-Off winner, Brad Johnson and the Cowboys.  Two weeks ago, the Cowboys were the cream of the NFC crop, a Super Bowl favorite if they could escape the crucible of the NFC East.  Well, Dallas couldn’t even escape the lukewarm Tupperware of the NFC West.  After a loss to the Cardinals last week, the Romo-less ‘Boys turned to Brad Johnson to get them past the Rams, who two weeks ago were the worst team in the league.  He threw three interceptions, and St. Louis, which had scored four offensive touchdowns all year, doubled its output in a 34-14 beatdown in whatever they call the dome in St. Louis these days.