WOW. Christmas came three days late this year. Yesterday was, without a doubt, the single awesomest week of games in NFL regular season history. To wit:
But there’s only one team that could possibly garner Week 17 honors in the Monday Morning Suck-Off. Read the rest of this entry »
The Suck-Off exists to celebrate the worst in the NFL every week, but I can’t help but tip my cap (cap, propeller-beanie, same thing) to the Giants and Titans, who both secured home-field advantage throughout the playoffs with hard-nosed victories over the toughest opponents each conference had to offer. 
But enough of this success thing — I mean, the Jets screwed themselves out of a playoff spot by losing to the lowly Seahawks! Mmmm-mm! That is some delicious sucking. A robust choke flavor, with a bouquet of Favre interceptions and a bitter finish. Excellent vintage.
Other choke jobs of note: the Eagles pissed away solid playoff hopes by managing only a field goal in their 10-3 loss to the Redskins. The game ended with Philly inches away from a tying touchdown. Ouch. What a beautiful loss. And the Broncos deserve credit for their loss to the Bills in a multi-week meltdown that has given the Chargers a chance to steal the AFC crown from them next week (Note: AFC crown made of rusted corrugated metal smeared with feces).
Once again, there was no shortage of heartbreak, disappointment, and abject failure in the NFL, and as usual there’s no better place to celebrate all that than in the Monday Morning Suck-Off. The best of yesterday’s worst all took a careful look at their playoff chances or positioning and said, “You know what? Screw it.”
This is true of the Redskins, who erased the remnants of their playoff hopes with a 20-13 stinkbomb against the putrid Bengals, while the Giants failed to imrpove their dominant playoff position with a no-show against the quarrelsome Cowboys, New York’s second consecutive loss. The Titans had an opportunity to clinch home-field advantage throughout the playoffs, but instead got shut out of the end zone in their 13-12 defeat at the hands of the Texans. Baltimore, playing at home for the chance to steal the AFC North crown, also failed to score a touchdown in a 13-9 loss to the Steelers in which the referees mercifully gave Pittsburgh a last-minute touchdown to prevent a dreary game from going into overtime at 9-9. Read the rest of this entry »
So, yesterday. Hard to care about the games when star receivers are claiming that their self-inflicted gunshot wounds happened at Applebee’s, but we must soldier on. The big headlines: Steelers take care of business in Foxborough, Jets falter at home versus Broncos, Panthers beat Packers behind DeAngelo Williams’ four touchdowns, and Giants ruin Redskins’ Taylor tribute with their continuing dominance.
But let’s focus on the shitty football, shall we? Here’s who sucked:
The Bills. The 49ers got a touchdown on the opening drive, and that was enough for the win as Buffalo could manage only one field goal in four trips to the red zone at home. Against the Niners. Kicker Rian Lindell, who earlier this season starred in Wide Right: The Sequel, clanked two attempts off the uprights. The 10-3 loss virtually eliminates Buffalo from playoff contention. Read the rest of this entry »
“Nice coat.” “It’s my bench-warming parka.”
It was a great weekend to bet on road teams in the NFL. Home teams went 3-11 yesterday, getting outscored 415-305 in the sucktastic process. So bully for you, Baltimore, Dallas, and Atlanta: you’re the only home teams that defended your turf yesterday.
But that’s all the praise I’m allotted in the Suck-Off. Let’s look at some of this week’s contenders for shittiest on-field performance:
Titans receivers. Granted, most of the credit for smudging Tennessee’s perfect record should go to the Jets for their excellent performance, but it’s time people started talking about how having a shitty receiver corps is a genuine weakness. And the drops were team-wide yesterday: RBs, TEs, and WRs all contributed to a shoddy first half that saw five drops in just over a quarter of play.
Brady Quinn, Donovan McNabb. One’s a youngster making his third start, one’s an All-Pro with Super Bowl experience. No matter: they both sucked yesterday, and they both got benched for it. Quinn threw two picks and was generally awful at home against the Texans; McNabb saw Quinn’s two picks and raised him a fumble in one half of play against the Ravens, who allowed only a return TD in their 36-7 shellacking of the Eagles.
I want more points! Sure, there were plenty of games that produced healthy scores, but none of yesterday’s headlining games could produce healthy offensive outputs.
The Sunday night showdown between Dallas and Washington: 14-10 ‘Boys. The afternoon’s late featured game: an 11-10 Steelers victory, a game so points-averse that the refs made up rules just to negate touchdowns. The Titans may have won 24-14, but all their TDs came through the air; is it even a Tennessee game if LenDale and Chris Johnson aren’t scoring? There was a similar story in Atlanta, where the 24-20 Broncos win was a letdown after the anticipation of a fantasy bonanza against two subpar defenses — none of the heralded receivers scored a touchdown.
Those were all disappointing, but nothing was quite as much of a letdown as this week’s winner of the Suck-Off.
