We’ll get to the NFL Draft shortly, but it seems more apropos to lead off with recappings of actual games. I know, I know. I hate it as much as you do. That’s why we’re knocking this out with bullet points. Fortunately, I put on my bullet point proof vest before coming in to work. Hey, it’s Monday morning. What do you want from me?

• Heat 101, Celtics 92, Celtics lead 3-1. Last night was the first time in seven games with the C’s that the Heat managed to pull out a win. And calling a team “The C’s” is kinda gay. Dwyane Wade had 46 points; he also shot 14 free throws. Boston shot 27. As a team. I’m not saying…I’m just saying.
• Cavaliers 121, Bulls 98, Cavs lead series 3-1. LeBron led all scorers with 37. By the way, none of these first-round series have been decided yet. Is it just me or has this round been going on for two weeks?
• Jose Aldo destroyed Urjah Faber in WEC 48 this past weekend.
• This happened. Somebody needs to explain why Matt Millen is still on TV. I don’t see a football analyst with any on-camera skill. I see the worst general manager in the history of sports.
• Vancouver, Philly, Pittsburgh and San Jose have won their first-round playoff series in the Stanley Cup Playoffs. Chicago, Washington and Boston can lock up their series with wins tonight.

Oh, and the Red Sox lost, but screw them. The NFL Draft just owned most of these events on its way to setting record viewership numbers. But there were other sports going on, believe it or not, and these were those sports. If I get any draft withdrawal next week, I could just start reading random names out of a phone book. With the first pick, the Bengals select…Abbott, Aaron A. 3490 Maple Street. Oh, that guy’s got a good motor…

Jay Cutler only threw one interception in the Bears’ Sunday Night game, but he made it count, lofting a ball into the hands of the Eagles’ Sean Jones as the Bears lost (and Eagles covered!), 24-20.

Sometimes it’s better to let people question your sanity on fourth down than to leave your offense on the field and remove all doubt. That supposedly was the lesson learned after Belichick’s Gamble on 4th and 2 last week. Yale football coach Tom Williams must have sick that day; in his team’s biggest game of the year against Harvard with a 10-7 lead…he calls a fake punt ON 4TH AND 22. Spoiler alert: they didn’t get it, and Yale lost, 14-10.

The Washington Redskins have found a new scapegoat in Shaun Suisham. The annoyingly-named Redskins kicker missed a 50-yard field goal attempt that would have put his team up by two scores (9-0), only to watch Tony Romo drive his team down the field, an effort culminating in a “Sure you don’t wanna run that in?” TD pass to Patrick Crayton, his only catch of the day. Danielskins lose, 7-6.

The Bengals found another fun way to lose a game. With their game against the Raiders tied, 20-20. Cincinnati’s Andre Caldwell fumbled the ensuing kickoff. Not even the Raiders could screw up the game-winning field goal, and scrub quarterback Bruce Gradkowski (17/34, 183, 2 TDs, 1 pick) wins his first start since 2006, 23-20 20-17.

Who did we miss? Let us know in the comments. Or don’t. I’m not your mother.

WOW.  Christmas came three days late this year.  Yesterday was, without a doubt, the single awesomest week of games in NFL regular season history.  To wit:

• The Cowboys needed to win to get in the playoffs.  They were instead humiliated by the Eagles, 44-6.
• The Broncos, having already blown most of a three-game lead with three weeks to play, needed to win to make the playoffs.  They were blown out by the Chargers, who by the way were 4-8 a month ago (sexy and sulky screencaps from Sunday Night Football, courtesy KSK, after the jump).
• The Jets needed to win for a chance at the playoffs.  Instead, Brett Favre awesomely threw three interceptions (including a pick-6) as discarded Chad Pennington and the Dolphins grabbed the AFC East title.  Favre had a 2:9 TD-INT ratio during the Jets’ late-season collapse in which they lost four out of five after unseating the Titans’ unbeaten season.  (UPDATE: Eric Mangini fired. Because he was the one who cut Pennington for Favre, you know.) Even better…
• …the Jets’ loss ensured that the Patriots, finishing at 11-5, will miss the postseason.  Half of the teams playing next week in the Wild Card round have records worse than the Patriots.  And do you want to know why, Boston?  Why a just God would allow such an unfair thing to happen?  It’s because you people are assholes. It’s your own fault, really.
• Bonus sucking: The Buccaneers, once playoff locks at 9-3, finished the season by losing four straight games after defensive coordinator Monte Kiffin said he’d join his son at Tennessee next year.  Makes me feel pretty good about my team sucking ALL year.

But there’s only one team that could possibly garner Week 17 honors in the Monday Morning Suck-Off. Read the rest of this entry »

The Suck-Off exists to celebrate the worst in the NFL every week, but I can’t help but tip my cap (cap, propeller-beanie, same thing) to the Giants and Titans, who both secured home-field advantage throughout the playoffs with hard-nosed victories over the toughest opponents each conference had to offer. 

But enough of this success thing — I mean, the Jets screwed themselves out of a playoff spot by losing to the lowly Seahawks!  Mmmm-mm!  That is some delicious sucking.  A robust choke flavor, with a bouquet of Favre interceptions and a bitter finish.  Excellent vintage.

Other choke jobs of note: the Eagles pissed away solid playoff hopes by managing only a field goal in their 10-3 loss to the Redskins.  The game ended with Philly inches away from a tying touchdown.  Ouch.  What a beautiful loss.  And the Broncos deserve credit for their loss to the Bills in a multi-week meltdown that has given the Chargers a chance to steal the AFC crown from them next week (Note: AFC crown made of rusted corrugated metal smeared with feces).

Read the rest of this entry »

Once again, there was no shortage of heartbreak, disappointment, and abject failure in the NFL, and as usual there’s no better place to celebrate all that than in the Monday Morning Suck-Off.  The best of yesterday’s worst all took a careful look at their playoff chances or positioning and said, “You know what? Screw it.”

This is true of the Redskins, who erased the remnants of their playoff hopes with a 20-13 stinkbomb against the putrid Bengals, while the Giants failed to imrpove their dominant playoff position with a no-show against the quarrelsome Cowboys, New York’s second consecutive loss.  The Titans had an opportunity to clinch home-field advantage throughout the playoffs, but instead got shut out of the end zone in their 13-12 defeat at the hands of the Texans.  Baltimore, playing at home for the chance to steal the AFC North crown, also failed to score a touchdown in a 13-9 loss to the Steelers in which the referees mercifully gave Pittsburgh a last-minute touchdown to prevent a dreary game from going into overtime at 9-9. Read the rest of this entry »

So, yesterday.  Hard to care about the games when star receivers are claiming that their self-inflicted gunshot wounds happened at Applebee’s, but we must soldier on.  The big headlines: Steelers take care of business in Foxborough, Jets falter at home versus Broncos, Panthers beat Packers behind DeAngelo Williams’ four touchdowns, and Giants ruin Redskins’ Taylor tribute with their continuing dominance.

But let’s focus on the shitty football, shall we?  Here’s who sucked:

The Bills.  The 49ers got a touchdown on the opening drive, and that was enough for the win as Buffalo could manage only one field goal in four trips to the red zone at home.  Against the Niners. Kicker Rian Lindell, who earlier this season starred in Wide Right: The Sequel, clanked two attempts off the uprights.  The 10-3 loss virtually eliminates Buffalo from playoff contention. Read the rest of this entry »