Have you seen the episode of “Modern Family” where Luke gets taken to a psychologist and left in a parking lot, and when his parents realize what they’ve done they start freaking out, but he rolls up in a limo and it turns out he’s smart and can find his way home? Good, now imagine that Claire and Phil Dunphy are alcoholic football fans, the psychologist’s office parking lot is Cleveland Browns Stadium and the limousine is the police.

From Dave Nethers at Fox 8:

According to police reports, Anna and Earnest Fugate of Circleville had come to the city’s muni-lot where they started arguing while “partying” before the Browns-Dolphins game.

Earnest then went on to the stadium, leaving their 9-year-old foster son with Anna, even though she was “obviously intoxicated,” “acting loopy, bumping into other people,” according to police.

“Anna then gave the boy to two strangers, who were heading into the game with game-day tickets,” according to the report. The two strangers turned him over to a security guard at the stadium.

A police lieutenant later stopped the Fugates’ vehicle as they were trying to leave the muni-lot together, without their foster son.

“When asked why they were leaving without their child, they shrugged,” the officer reported. “When asked why they did not report the child missing, they laughed.”

Anna and Earnest, who I’m picturing wearing a denim vest, have been charged with misdemeanor child endangering and pled not guilty, because honestly, how dangerous is it to hand your foster son over to some strangers in a football stadium parking lot and drive around drunk without him? If they’re convicted, they could do time. Now a family is going be broken, and a 9-year old knows how to fill a Mountain Dew bottle with urine and throw it at somebody.

No word on whether or not Anna caught her dress in an escalator at Browns Stadium and had to get naked in front of people, or if Ohio is going to pass some kind of law to keep people like this from adopting.

[h/t Shutdown Corner]

Why is it, that if a man kills another man in battle it’s called heroic; yet if he kills a man in the heat of passion, it’s called murder?

“Modern Family” star Ed O’Neill would be able to answer that question. According to Black Belt magazine, O’Neill, most famous for scoring four touchdowns in a single high school football game, is also (apparently) a 15-year Gracie veteran with a black belt in jiu-jitsu. It’s sort of like finding out Alf could kill you with a palm strike. O’Neill got hooked on jiu-jitsu after visit the Rorion Gracie’s gym in Torrance, California, and failing the “robber test”. The test: a robber breaks into your home and pins you down. You’ve got to find a way to get up off the ground. Can you do it?

Taking the bait, he asked Gracie how he’d managed to maintain complete control (while on top of O’Neil). Once the principle was explained the simplicity of the art floored O’Neil. He set up an appointment to begin training and has been rolling ever since.

This is in direct contract to Ashton Kutcher, who recently put up pictures of himself wearing a borrowed black belt during a trip to Rio de Janeiro. The shorter version of the story: Ashton Kutcher is going to get murdered by a home invader, and Al Bundy is going to kick that guy’s ass. Let’s rock.

To celebrate the spread of this celebrity fun fact, here’s a montage of Al beating the crap out of people.

[h/t to Cagewriter by way of Fightlinker]
(man, my site needs a tougher name)