As a person who only gambles as part of a horrifying addiction to fantasy football, forgive me if I’m a little misogynistic here. I don’t mean to be, because I’m a classic gentleman, born and raised with southern elegance and hands as soft as a cloud shaped like a polar bear cub. That said, some broad made a $5 football bet on a 15-team parlay through Las Vegas-based Station Casinos, and thanks to the New Orleans Saints’ 28-13 victory over the Philadelphia Eagles on Monday Night Football, this anonymous woman is now $99,995 richer.

It turns out that this lady – obviously withholding her name from the media so the government won’t catch on, so get on that IRS – managed to pick both NFL and NCAA football victories correctly, even including one hell of an underdog.

She picked all 13 NFL games and two college games, beginning with Nebraska as a 2-point favorite over Michigan State. The Cornhuskers covered when Taylor Martinez threw a five-yard touchdown pass to Jamal Turner in the final seconds for a 28-24 victory.

Nebraska trailed 24-14 in the contest with eight minutes to go. Most of her games weren’t nearly as nerve-racking.

The biggest underdog, San Diego State +15, won outright 21-19 at Boise State. (Via the Las Vegas Sun)

This victory may seem like just another feel good story for some nickel slots loser who finally hits the jackpot, but it marks something much bigger than just a happy ending for Marge and the bingo hall gals. This $100,000 victory was the cherry on top of what the Sun also reported was the “worst ever” NFL week for the Vegas sports books. Is this just hyperbole? Probably. But let’s panic and overreact anyway.

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Apparently at some point, someone thought it was a good idea to take a million dollars worth of Graff diamonds and slap them on a set of Beats by Dre headphones. But it was for a worthy cause, you see, as the two guys from the horrendous gimmick party rock outfit LMFAO needed something to snazz up their douche academy uniforms costumes for the Super Bowl halftime performance. That’s right, they needed to wear $1 million headphones while performing basic dance moves and lip-syncing with a 53-year old woman.

But apparently they were the test market and the idea proved genius, because rapper Lil Wayne got himself a pair of the diamond-encrusted Beats by Dre headphones and wore them to the NBA All-Star Game on Sunday night. I don’t blame him, because I wouldn’t want to hear Chris Brown and Pitbull perform either.

So why put $1 million worth of diamonds on a pair of headphones? There’s a pretty simple solution.

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Scottie Pippen shows off his latest business acquisition.

The famous American poet Christopher Wallace once wrote: “It’s like the more money we come across, the more problems we see.” If that is indeed the case, then Scottie Pippen has been problem free since 2002, as it was recently revealed in court that the Harpo to Michael Jordan’s Groucho has lost a huge deal of his career earnings in bad business decisions over the last eight years. In related news, I bought some Mac & Cheese last week and now it’s 2-for-1 at Publix.

Pippen was awarded a $2 million verdict on Monday, putting an end to a malpractice lawsuit the former Chicago Bull filed against the lawfirm of Pedersen & Houpt. Pippen was originally seeking $8.3 million as he alleged that the lawyers did a bad job of managing his purchase of a private jet in 2002, as well as other various investments. The jury’s decision was obviously considerably less than what Pippen was seeking, mainly because they think Pippen is full of doodie.

Tell me about these motorized icebergs, Chicago Sun-Times:

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As the University of Southern California football program has recently received a two-year postseason ban, the forfeiture of three seasons worth of victories, and the loss of 30 scholarships, the focus of what started as a NCAA investigation will now turn to the source – Reggie Bush. Somewhere, a relieved Mike Williams went back to deep-frying his protein bars.

Bush, who reportedly received more than $300,000 in gifts from sports marketing agents during his three years at USC, could now be targeted by the IRS, should the government find that any of the gifts were taxable. When reached for comment, With Leather’s Senior Tax Analyst, Lobster Dog, said: “It is our belief that giant bags full of money are indeed taxable.”

Quit trying to write off Glenn Beck’s doilies, FOX News:

Greenberg estimates that Bush, now the star running back for the New Orleans Saints, “ultimately will wind up paying about $150,000,” but “it could be up to $200,000″ if his financial team can’t get the penalties and interest waived.

The penalties imposed upon the coveted USC football program and former student-athlete Bush are the result of an extensive investigation that discovered the Heisman Trophy winner received more than $300,000 in illegal benefits from marketing agents during the years he played college football.

The former Heisman Trophy winner Bush has stated since the beginning of the NCAA investigation that he is innocent and has openly disagreed with the punishments doled out to USC. He also claims that he’ll cooperate with both the NCAA and USC, should school athletic officials choose to appeal. While IRS representatives cannot legally announce that they’re pursuing Bush for back taxes, it is kind of odd that Tim Geithner bought a new yacht and named it “Bush It to the Limit.”

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NBA Commish David Stern has announced that NBA teams will lose an estimated $400 million this season, and $200 million per season for the next few years.  Since the American economy is in the crapper, fans are choosing to root for their squad wrapped up in Snuggies on their couches.  Revenues have dropped and the league is hurting and cutback sights are set on players’ salaries.  Unfortunately, negotiations between the NBA and the players’ union don’t seem to be going too smoothly.  Carmelo Anthony, who is currently under a 5-year, $80 million contract extension with the Nuggets signed in 2006, is one of many rising up against The Man.

“We’re not going to break,” Anthony said. “We’re going to stand strong. … That’s good all of us [All-Stars] were in there. That’s the face of the league. [Young stars] represent the [future of the] league. The young players, we need to be there.”

Anthony echoed the thoughts of Hunter in saying the owners’ proposal was unacceptable. With many believing there will be a lockout after next season, Anthony did admit to being worried about the future.–Fan House

While the initial proposal of “drastically cutting salaries, including eliminating the mid-level exception, scaling back guaranteed contracts and reducing the length of deals” may be heavy, it is unrealistic to think that salaries won’t have to be scaled back–there is a business to be run and something has to give.  God forbid players might have to rein in spending habits and cut expenses.  It would be such a travesty for them to have to experience an iota of what the majority of the country is going through, while sleeping on mattresses stuffed with C-notes, and using toilet paper made out of ones.  But I can certainly sympathize with ‘Melo here.  I remember this one time when I went to put gas in my Escalade and Maserati GranTurismo S, but could only fill my Bugatti Veyron up 3/4.  Man, that was so tough it hurts to think about it.

You know how when two athletes play on the same team, particularly in complementary positions, there’s a certain special brotherly bond that forms?  Well it looks like Chad Kreuter, former catcher of the L.A. Dodgers, took that bond with Chan Ho Park, former pitcher of the L.A. Dodgers, and dropped a huge deuce on it.

Apparently when Kreuter took out a loan from Park and said he’d pay it back, he didn’t actually think he had to pay it back.

Park filed the lawsuit Wednesday in Los Angeles Superior Court, claiming breach of promissory note and negligent misrepresentation.

The suit claims Park loaned Kreuter $460,000 in October 2005 to be repaid a year later with interest. Park alleges Kreuter paid back $290,000 in April 2007 and the unpaid balance has grown, with interest, to $281,869.73 as of Dec. 1.–Huffingtonpost.com

I don’t know about you, but when my friends ask to borrow something it’s usually like…$10 to get a couple beers at the bar.  Or my mom.  Whatever.  But $460Gs?!  Since it’s the time to give out “…of the Decade” awards, I’m giving Park the Patsy of the Decade Award. “Can I borrow your lawnmower?”  Sure, okay.  “Can I borrow your air conditioner?” Hmm…maybe for a little bit – it’s pretty hot out.  “Can I borrow $460,000?”  Are you out of your damn mind?!

All I know is, I bet HR over at USC just can’t WAIT to fill out those wage levy forms for years to come.  It’s just a shame that Chan’s Korean and not Japanese, because I have an inkling the Yakuza might be more effective than the Department of Revenue in this one…