More than 1,000 readers of Heat magazine – which I’ve never heard of but assume is an anti-air conditioning publication – have decided that People magazine is full of doodies, for lack of a more mature term. Three months ago, People declared that actor Bradley Cooper was the Sexiest Man Alive, which infuriated a legion of fans devoted to actor Ryan Gosling and his attractiveness. Thankfully, someone is pointing out that it’s all a load of mung.

For starters, I’m tired of bloggers being excluded from these lists. We’re sexy people, too, dammit. But more importantly, it’s time that athletes started getting some attention over these namby-pamby actors, and the readers of Heat agree. They’ve declared that David Beckham is the sexiest man in the world, and everyone else is just his trash.

The rest of the Top 25 looks a little something like this…

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By all accounts, 2011 was a fantastic year for David Beckham. Granted, it doesn’t take much for Beckham to have a great year, other than just waking up and collecting whatever random amount of money is being thrown at him and his wife, Ginger Scary Sporty Baby Posh Victoria, that day. But last year he was fortunate enough to get the albatross off his back in helping the L.A. Galaxy win the MLS Cup, and unless I missed someone throwing a pot of boiling water at his face, he’s still David-f*cking-Beckham.

Momentum already seems to be carrying over into 2012 for Becks as well, because word is he’s already being heavily considered to be the captain of Great Britain’s soccer team at the Olympics in London, and he’s returning to the Galaxy for two more seasons, as some people assume he’ll eventually make a push to buy the team. But before any of that happens, he has one tiny little thing that he wants to take care of – he really wants to sue In Touch Weekly and prostitute Irma Nici for claiming that he slept with her 5 times to the tune of $10,000 a pop in 2007.

The problem is a judge already said he can’t.

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When it comes to Major League Soccer, the Los Angeles Galaxy have been the equivalent of the New York Yankees, displaying no shame in paying top dollar to bring in the biggest soccer players in the game. In the past 5 years, the Galaxy have shelled out big bucks for Robbie Keane, David Beckham and America’s favorite balding baller, Landon Donovan. Combined, the three stars make a ridiculous $12.2 million.

*checks numbers again, slides beads on abacus, punches “80085” on Texas Instruments graphing calculator*

Yup, a whopping $12.2 million between the three of them. Way to break the bank, Steinbrenner.

Regardless, the Galaxy have been criticized for essentially trying to buy a title, and good for them because it finally paid off. Led by their Big 3, the Galaxy defeated the Houston Dynamo by a ridiculous 1-0 to win the MLS Cup, as millions of Americans finally caved and bowed down to their new soccer gods. Or they probably watched “Family Guy.” One or the other.

But the big winner was David Beckham, who came to the U.S. as a poor, unknown British man looking to make it in America and fulfill his dream of being a footballer on the world’s biggest stage. Accompanied by his demure, modest wife, Victoria, David has been the epitome of hard work and perseverance as he has shied away from the public spotlight and simply been a man of the people.

Life has been very tough for David Beckham, which is why we are happy to honor him today as a champion. For the first time in his life, Beckham knows success.

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This is the closest I’ve seen soccer get to pick-up basketball, and from the look of things it was almost as competitive. For the second year in a row, Manchester United faced the Major League Soccer All-Stars and soccer’d them to death, winning 4-0 and scoring self-alley-ooped goals that could qualify as late series run Dragonball fights.

In this instance, Dimitar Berbatov (who sounds like a weapon in Goldeneye) makes the Houston Dynamo goaltender look like Brandon from ‘With Leather’ by simply chipping the ball over his head. Instead of going in, the ball hits the crossbar, so Berbatov simply plays it off his chest and buzzsaw kicks it in. The goalie might as well have been on a break. And what did Berbatov think about his beautiful goal?

“I always tend to think my goal are beautiful.”

In a related story, I think I’m gonna try out for one of these MLS teams and see if I can’t get a free trip to Europe out of it.

[h/t Dirty Tackle]

There’s a lot to love with this new Portland Timbers franchise, the latest organization to take the field in MLS play. They have a brand-new soccer-specific stadium, a rabid fanbase, a solid history, and perhaps the world’s first mascot that genuinely inspires fear. I’m referring to “Timber Joey,” who’s an honest-to-goodness logger. Joey Webber celebrates each Timbers goal by slicing off a piece of a giant log, which is later delivered to the lucky goal scorer.

Webber was born and raised in the timber town of Philomath, Ore., where he attended the School of Forestry as a youth. He competed in state forestry and timber competitions and ranked in several events including, pole climbing, jack double bucking, fire hose relays, axe throwing, log rolling and hot saw operation.

Growing up, Webber was also a competitive rugby player and was a member of the U.S. National Rugby Team’s U-19 pool for two years (1996-97). He competed as a bare-back bronco rider in the Northwest Professional Rodeo Association from 1996-2000, and the Professional Rodeo Cowboys Association in 2000.

[team site]

It is too early to call this guy the greatest mascot ever? Not sold yet? Here’s a nice promo video showcasing Joey and the Timbers’ “No Pity” motto. I wonder if that’s Timber Joey’s real truck. I’m sure there are a handful of jilted ladies in the greater Portland area that can help me out with that. Read the rest of this entry »

Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco started his tryout with Sporting KC of MLS today, and everyone seems to be covering this like a real story, as if he had a chance to make the team and totally wasn’t being milked for publicity like a common cow. What say you, Hall of Fame mouth Michael Strahan?

Ochocinco was supposed to finish his NFL lockout inspired 4-day trial with Sporting Kansas City tomorrow — but he’s been asked to stick around until Monday so he can participate in their reserve game.

After that … it’s pretty much curtains … a certainty even SKC’s coach is preaching.

But Strahan doesn’t think it’s all for naught … saying, “[SKC] know what they’re doing. Give [Chad] a chance and get a little bit out of him at the same time.”

–TMZ.

Watch video of Chad’s tryout after the jump. I wish Chad would just suck it up and devote all of his energy to starting Major League Kickball.

Vid via Eye On Football.