For the record, this is what happens to me 15 seconds into any attempt to play soccer.

Via NESN:

New England Revolution fullback [Kevin Alston] played 41 minutes of standout soccer before he was overcome by illness. He vomited on the Gillette Stadium turf in front of cameras, and onlookers were treated to an up-close view of the flying chunks.

“Unfortunately everyone saw what happened,” Revolution head coach Jay Heaps said. “It wasn’t pretty. He just went into a coughing fit and I didn’t know this before the game. So he played through a 102 temperature, and when he got hit, he went into a coughing fit that’s why he got sick. By Saturday he’ll be alright.”

All we need now is for Daniel Tosh to run onto the field with a big pixelated rectangle around his junk and we’ve got 5 minutes of a Tosh.0 episode. The Revolution went on to defeat the Colorado Rapids 2-1, but all I’ll ever be able to picture now is Garth Algar saying, “if you’re gonna spew, spew into this” and gesturing toward the field.

As has been evidenced by his attendance at practically every Los Angeles Lakers game, soccer superstar David Beckham has definitely made himself a home here in the good, ol’ U.S. of A. Obviously it helped that he finally led the L.A. Galaxy to a MLS Cup victory in 2011, after signing with the team in 2007, but once he signed a new two-year deal and talks of his eventual ownership of the team surfaced, it was a certainty.

But apparently Becks and his wife Sporty Scary Dopey Grumpy Hefty Posh Victoria have been sold on L.A. for a few years and have been quietly waiting for the right time to sell their massive British home. That time is now, the price tag is $28 million and you don’t even have to guess who wants to buy it, because of course it’s Kim Kardashian.

Kim is said to be planning to snap up the property – which comes complete with helipad, petting zoo…

Must… fight… urge…

… swimming pools and a recording studio – to use as a European base for her family including sisters Khloe and Kourtney and mother Kris Jenner. (Via the Winnipeg Free Press)

Obviously, my first thought was: “No way that this jaded fame whore family can honestly be dumb enough to throw down $28 million on an estate in a country full of people who might not give two soggy crumpets about them.” But don’t worry, they have a plan. They’re going to rent out rooms in the estate to their wealthy fans. I don’t even have a joke for that.

As for the Beckhams, why did it take so long for them to list their mansion?

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More than 1,000 readers of Heat magazine – which I’ve never heard of but assume is an anti-air conditioning publication – have decided that People magazine is full of doodies, for lack of a more mature term. Three months ago, People declared that actor Bradley Cooper was the Sexiest Man Alive, which infuriated a legion of fans devoted to actor Ryan Gosling and his attractiveness. Thankfully, someone is pointing out that it’s all a load of mung.

For starters, I’m tired of bloggers being excluded from these lists. We’re sexy people, too, dammit. But more importantly, it’s time that athletes started getting some attention over these namby-pamby actors, and the readers of Heat agree. They’ve declared that David Beckham is the sexiest man in the world, and everyone else is just his trash.

The rest of the Top 25 looks a little something like this…

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By all accounts, 2011 was a fantastic year for David Beckham. Granted, it doesn’t take much for Beckham to have a great year, other than just waking up and collecting whatever random amount of money is being thrown at him and his wife, Ginger Scary Sporty Baby Posh Victoria, that day. But last year he was fortunate enough to get the albatross off his back in helping the L.A. Galaxy win the MLS Cup, and unless I missed someone throwing a pot of boiling water at his face, he’s still David-f*cking-Beckham.

Momentum already seems to be carrying over into 2012 for Becks as well, because word is he’s already being heavily considered to be the captain of Great Britain’s soccer team at the Olympics in London, and he’s returning to the Galaxy for two more seasons, as some people assume he’ll eventually make a push to buy the team. But before any of that happens, he has one tiny little thing that he wants to take care of – he really wants to sue In Touch Weekly and prostitute Irma Nici for claiming that he slept with her 5 times to the tune of $10,000 a pop in 2007.

The problem is a judge already said he can’t.

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When it comes to Major League Soccer, the Los Angeles Galaxy have been the equivalent of the New York Yankees, displaying no shame in paying top dollar to bring in the biggest soccer players in the game. In the past 5 years, the Galaxy have shelled out big bucks for Robbie Keane, David Beckham and America’s favorite balding baller, Landon Donovan. Combined, the three stars make a ridiculous $12.2 million.

*checks numbers again, slides beads on abacus, punches “80085” on Texas Instruments graphing calculator*

Yup, a whopping $12.2 million between the three of them. Way to break the bank, Steinbrenner.

Regardless, the Galaxy have been criticized for essentially trying to buy a title, and good for them because it finally paid off. Led by their Big 3, the Galaxy defeated the Houston Dynamo by a ridiculous 1-0 to win the MLS Cup, as millions of Americans finally caved and bowed down to their new soccer gods. Or they probably watched “Family Guy.” One or the other.

But the big winner was David Beckham, who came to the U.S. as a poor, unknown British man looking to make it in America and fulfill his dream of being a footballer on the world’s biggest stage. Accompanied by his demure, modest wife, Victoria, David has been the epitome of hard work and perseverance as he has shied away from the public spotlight and simply been a man of the people.

Life has been very tough for David Beckham, which is why we are happy to honor him today as a champion. For the first time in his life, Beckham knows success.

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This is the closest I’ve seen soccer get to pick-up basketball, and from the look of things it was almost as competitive. For the second year in a row, Manchester United faced the Major League Soccer All-Stars and soccer’d them to death, winning 4-0 and scoring self-alley-ooped goals that could qualify as late series run Dragonball fights.

In this instance, Dimitar Berbatov (who sounds like a weapon in Goldeneye) makes the Houston Dynamo goaltender look like Brandon from ‘With Leather’ by simply chipping the ball over his head. Instead of going in, the ball hits the crossbar, so Berbatov simply plays it off his chest and buzzsaw kicks it in. The goalie might as well have been on a break. And what did Berbatov think about his beautiful goal?

“I always tend to think my goal are beautiful.”

In a related story, I think I’m gonna try out for one of these MLS teams and see if I can’t get a free trip to Europe out of it.

[h/t Dirty Tackle]