The “Sports Teams Being Nice To Kids” meme is moving forward nicely. First, a 7-year old with brain cancer got to run in a touchdown for the Nebraska Cornhuskers. He got his own card and even got to hang out with the President (and, I assume, grill him on his policies). East Carolina similarly honored a kid, and WWE Champion John Cena devoted a chunk of Raw to introducing three Make-A-Wish kids as new WWE Superstars.

Now it’s soccer’s turn. Yeah, I’m glad nobody threw firecrackers and beer bottles at this kid, too.

Here’s Atticus Lane-Dupre, an awesomely-named kid with cancer who got the chance to play in front of more than 3,000 Portland Timbers, score four goals and win the game for his ‘Green Machine.’ He got to exchange jerseys with team captain Will Johnson after the game and everything. At the end of the day, it’s just a video of a normal kid having a hell of a lot of fun playing soccer, and sometimes that’s worth celebrating, even without the inspirational story.

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It wasn’t a great weekend for Texas sports. Aside from the horrible stuff that went down at the NRA 500, the generally serene-ish FC Dallas Stadium got violent when a player from … uh, FC Dallas scored a game-winning goal. Yeah, I don’t know.

George John scored the game-winner on a header, and before he could even get out of the net and celebrate, a fan tossed some garbage onto the field and sliced him in the back of the head.

John, 26, headed home the game’s only goal in the 87th minute, but he barely had time to celebrate. The bottle hit him as he took his first steps out of the Galaxy goal, and he fell straight to the ground.

“I knew something hit me,” John said. “I wasn’t quite sure what happened, if I ran into the post or what, but then I looked down and saw a beer bottle and I was like that had to of hit me. I felt [my head] and there was a ridge and then I was like ‘Yes, something hit me for sure.’ Luckily I didn’t need stitches and I was able to stay in and finish out the game.” (via NESN)

If you watch the video (included after the jump), it looks like a water bottle hits him in the chest and he flops, lying around holding his head while the time runs out. And then as the video progresses you see him get up with blood all over the back of his head. So … no.

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Nothing makes you feel quite as warm on your insides as waking up to read about how the head of your favorite Major League Soccer club celebrated his 50th birthday by beating the shit out of his wife and smothering her with a pillow until she was unconscious. What a great morning.

The 6-foot-5, 250-pound [FC Dallas CEO Hal Douglas] Quinn allegedly pummeled his much-smaller wife’s face and body, choked her with both hands, and held a pillow over her face until she passed out, the sources said.

Quinn was arrested at 4 p.m. on charges of assault and strangulation, and his wife was treated by paramedics at the scene for injuries to her face, arm, legs and eye, which was swollen shut, the sources said. (via NYPost.com)

One of the saddest parts of the story, like with many spousal abuse scenarios, is the part where Quinn’s wife says it just “got out of hand” and that they plan to stay together because they have two young children. The very worst part of it is that the New York Post decided to use SOCK-HER EXEC as it’s headline. F**k you so hard for that, New York Post.

I had a great experience at Pizza Hut Park and had been using FC Dallas as a valiant attempt to get into soccer, but … yeah. It’s not like the team got together and tried to suffocate this woman, but it’s hard to support a squad run by a guy who has a part in sentences like this:

“In these cases, which are usually ‘he said, she said,’ there is often another side to the story, and there certainly is one here,” Hal Quinn’s lawyers said in a statement.

… so it’s probably best that I organize a Help Me Pick A New MLS Team poll and retire my FC Dallas jersey. The Houston Dynamo have a big cross-eyed fox mascot, maybe I’ll go see what they’re about.

[h/t to Randy D.]

Okay, I want to start off by saying that I swear on everything I hold sacred that I won’t write anything sarcastic here, so I don’t offend anyone who would read something and honestly believe that I, a lifelong baseball fan, would be insane enough to actually demand the San Francisco Giants play an 8th game after defeating the St. Louis Cardinals in Game 7 of the NLCS. I mean, obviously I’d never be that dumb, especially after Roger Craig demanded the very same thing after the Cardinals won the 1987 NLCS in 7 games and Whitey Herzog refused.

I mean, what am I, a hypocrite? (Answer: Yes, very much so.)

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For the record, this is what happens to me 15 seconds into any attempt to play soccer.

Via NESN:

New England Revolution fullback [Kevin Alston] played 41 minutes of standout soccer before he was overcome by illness. He vomited on the Gillette Stadium turf in front of cameras, and onlookers were treated to an up-close view of the flying chunks.

“Unfortunately everyone saw what happened,” Revolution head coach Jay Heaps said. “It wasn’t pretty. He just went into a coughing fit and I didn’t know this before the game. So he played through a 102 temperature, and when he got hit, he went into a coughing fit that’s why he got sick. By Saturday he’ll be alright.”

All we need now is for Daniel Tosh to run onto the field with a big pixelated rectangle around his junk and we’ve got 5 minutes of a Tosh.0 episode. The Revolution went on to defeat the Colorado Rapids 2-1, but all I’ll ever be able to picture now is Garth Algar saying, “if you’re gonna spew, spew into this” and gesturing toward the field.

As has been evidenced by his attendance at practically every Los Angeles Lakers game, soccer superstar David Beckham has definitely made himself a home here in the good, ol’ U.S. of A. Obviously it helped that he finally led the L.A. Galaxy to a MLS Cup victory in 2011, after signing with the team in 2007, but once he signed a new two-year deal and talks of his eventual ownership of the team surfaced, it was a certainty.

But apparently Becks and his wife Sporty Scary Dopey Grumpy Hefty Posh Victoria have been sold on L.A. for a few years and have been quietly waiting for the right time to sell their massive British home. That time is now, the price tag is $28 million and you don’t even have to guess who wants to buy it, because of course it’s Kim Kardashian.

Kim is said to be planning to snap up the property – which comes complete with helipad, petting zoo…

Must… fight… urge…

… swimming pools and a recording studio – to use as a European base for her family including sisters Khloe and Kourtney and mother Kris Jenner. (Via the Winnipeg Free Press)

Obviously, my first thought was: “No way that this jaded fame whore family can honestly be dumb enough to throw down $28 million on an estate in a country full of people who might not give two soggy crumpets about them.” But don’t worry, they have a plan. They’re going to rent out rooms in the estate to their wealthy fans. I don’t even have a joke for that.

As for the Beckhams, why did it take so long for them to list their mansion?

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