Even though the popularity of international soccer is in the midst of a healthy boom, the American brand of futbol is suffering so badly that you’d think the league was headquartered in Detroit. Why can’t America’s teams compete for the hearts and minds of its own fans?

The 2009 MLS All-Star Game drew a 0.3 U.S. rating and 484,000 viewers on ESPN2 Wednesday night. The game was down 28% in households (324,000 in ‘09 versus 453,000 in ‘08), compared to last year’s game on ESPN.

The less than spectacular numbers for the MLS All-Star Game come in a week when soccer continues to draw strong audiences. Two Gold Cup telecasts on Univision (Costa Rica/Mexico and USA/Mexico) ranked 2nd and 3rd among the top 5 sports programs of the week. The USA/Mexico match drew 5.4 million viewers, while Costa Rica/Mexico drew 5.3 million. via.

The MLS All-Star game had a unique format where all of the league’s best players played against Everton, one of the more badass teams in Europe. The game went to penalty kicks, with Everton (and American goalie Tim Howard) prevailing. At least that was compelling and somewhat unique. Major League Lacrosse did something similar with their ASG, pitting their older stars against the league’s “young guns.” But America seems to be so brand-loyal with sports that there doesn’t seem to be any leeway for some of these other leagues to grab eyeballs on TV. Who would have thought America had such a negative attitude toward crap?

Here’s a great goal from Wizards midfielder Claudio Lopez of MLS “fame,” who could probably score a goal from the last stall in the concourse men’s room. You know, the one with the handrails? I don’t know what it is about having those handrails in there that makes that particular stall feel like a VIP suite, but I enjoy them immensely. At least, I do until some bastard in a wheelchair starts banging on the door telling me to hurry up. I’m texting, fool! You already got a better parking spot than I did. And I still got in here before you… via. Thanks, KOGOD.

I try to follow soccer. I really do, but some of the player movement just doesn’t make any sense to me. Transfers, I can figure that out. It’s just a stupid word for “trades.” But the concept of loaning out players–quality players that have such a finite shelf life as it as–that just boggles my GD mind. So if any of you have any insight about this David Beckham going-to-AC-Milan-and-then-five-months-later-returning business, by all means, jump in. One fan tried to do just that in Beckham’s MLS return to LA last night:

At halftime, Beckham walked toward the L.A. Riot Squad section and motioned to a fan to come closer. A man jumped down from the seats and was subdued by security before being taken away.

“One of the guys was saying things that wasn’t very nice. It was stepping over the line,” Beckham said. “I said, `You need to calm down and come shake my hand,’ and he jumped over.”

The man was arrested by Cal State Dominguez Hills police for trespassing because he left the seating area, a Home Depot Center spokeswoman said. via.

So Beckham leaves LA to play in a league where he wanted to play all along (I presume), comes back to MLS to fulfill his contract, and then gets his ass booed off the entire game. Like I said, I don’t really get it. Obviously, the Galaxy faithful are a little bent that Beckham left. I’m just amazed that fans in LA were able to get to the game before halftime. That’s more commitment than Beckham seemed to show to LA.

Noted immigrant David Beckham appears to be gone from America, at least for now. And it is good. But this isn’t an anti-soccer rant or an anti-foreigner rant, or even an anti-hey-he’s-better-looking-than-me rant, because I could do those all day. No, it’s good because he just packed up his fish and chips and got the hell out. He didn’t sit around and complain about how he was stuck with his Scientology friends every day or how all the men in California act like little girls or why there was cocaine everywhere. Contractually, he seemingly has the right to leave. He just uneventfully got on a plane and left, and frankly, I admire a man that can handle his business with a quietly firm hand.

ASYLUM POLL: Is David Beckham giving MLS the shaft?

The LA Galaxy doesn’t seem to be as eager to part. They’ve probably called him and left sad, annoying messages on his machine. You know, the kind where the person on the line was crying so hard that their nose started running. They probably told Beckham to come back and pick up his stuff and he was all, I don’t really want it, and they were all, But you have to, and he was all, No, I think I’m good. And then maybe ten or twelve years from now they’ll be facebook friends and leave “How long has it been?” sort of messages on each other’s walls, and then browse through each other’s uploaded photos, and that’s how it’ll end. And that’s okay.

Two coaches for Toronto FC of the MLS had to jump out of the way when an 8-year-old driving a van nearly hit them.  The boy was driving at the behest of his father, who — to be fair — was too drunk to drive.  So it was almost responsible parenting.

Witnesses said the boy crashed the van into a tree, shattering the driver’s side rear window, after the two coaches got out of the way. The boy then crashed a second time into a tree, damaging the car’s radiator, the police report said.

When police arrived, Belanger fell to the ground after he dropped his wallet. When he fell, he slammed his face on the pavement, leaving a gash on the bridge of his nose.

The boy told police his father took “liquid medicine in order to feel better.” He pointed to an empty bottle of Canadian whiskey in the vehicle.

A good question here would be, “Wait, so why is a cat driving the car in the picture?”  And I’ll be honest, I don’t really have a good answer for that.  I just think cats are funnier than kids.  Just be glad I didn’t replace the dad with a side of bacon.

[Deadspin]

The spoils of an MLS title include a big trophy, medals, and a baby

Congratulations are in order for the Columbus Crew, who brought home their first-ever championship by beating the upstart New York Red Bulls 3-1 in the MLS Cup Final yesterday.  Yeah, I didn’t realize it was going on, either.

Buoyed by stars Frankie Hejduk (who scored the insurance goal) and league MVP Guillermo Barros Schelotto (three assists), the Crew earned a title that in many ways is deserved.  Not only is Columbus one of the league’s first franchises, but they also built the first stadium in America designed for a pro soccer team and have one of the more devoted fan bases in the league.  So, good for them.  It’s nice to write something pleasant about Ohio for once.

In other minor championship news, the Calgary Stampeders beat the Montreal Alouettes for the CFL’s Grey Cup.  Probably because “Alouette” is such a faggy team name.