Chances are if you’ve ever read a post entitled, “The Funniest People on Twitter”, or something to that effect, then you know that comedian Rob Delaney is widely regarded as, well, one of the funniest people on Twitter. In fact, he was even the first ever recipient of the title “The Funniest Person on Twitter” at last year’s Comedy Award on Comedy Central. It’s because of that, I guess, that I don’t mind it when people put us on the same list. *high fives self, sends nude butt photo to ex-girlfriend*

Non-humble bragging aside, Delaney Tweeted us a video that he made, in which he gives a dramatic reading of writer Sam Frank’s take on the scouting reports of the first 50 rounds of the Major League Baseball first year player draft, published in a 2004 edition of Harper’s Magazine. Why is it so funny? It seems that Harper’s had a very unique way or describing young baseball players and their abilities, and like Delaney warns us – “It’s pretty hot.”

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I bet she's seen a lot of premature ejections in her day

In case you haven’t heard, Bryce Harper is pretty good at baseball. At 16 years old, he was the cover story of Sports Illustrated, in which Tom Verducci referred to him as ‘Baseball’s LeBron’. The pubescent phenom who’s problematic for pitchers chose to skip his junior and senior years of high school. Now, at the ripe old age of 17, he’s far and away the best player on his JUCO squad. However, The College of Southern Nevada may have to do without him for the rest of the JUCO World Series after his most recent shenanigans.

Now, I’d love to say that the umpire was Rayland Givens style justified in throwing out Harper. I’d also love to make some joke about how Harper can’t slay the MILF poon throwing itself at him. Then, I could make another joke about how he couldn’t buy them cigarettes to smoke afterwards. That being said, ejecting Harper is a questionable decision. I’m aware of the fact that players shouldn’t be arguing balls and strikes, but they’re still playing a sport. They should be allowed to get upset, if they do so within reason. Harper’s walking away from the plate, not screaming in the guy’s face. He’s obviously accepted the fact that he’s out, he just doesn’t agree with the call. Not like this whole thing matters, anyway. The Nationals will be able to double down on their incredible phenoms when they take Harper with the number one pick in Monday’s draft. Which is fantastic. I love the thought of more millionaire teenagers. Watching Teen Cribs really puts my life into perspective. Perspective that makes me want to start drinking before noon. Again.

UPDATE: Strasburg signed: 4 years, $15.67 million. That’s a bargain, and ultimately why MLB has a draft.

It’s not everyday that No. 1 picks in the baseball draft become big news two months after the fact, yet here we are: If Stephen StrasbUrg doesn’t sign with the Washington Nationals at midnight tonight, the team loses his rights, but then will also be ineligible to draft him again in 2010. And it’s getting pretty GD tense.

If I were the Nationals, who have already put a record-setting deal on the table for Stephen Strasburg, I wouldn’t offer more than $16 million. That’s 50 percent more than any pitcher in the baseball draft has ever gotten — Mark Prior’s $10.5 million deal in 2001. A 21-year-old who has never faced a professional hitter isn’t worth more than that. The top contract in 2008 was only $6 million. –Tom Boswell.

StrasbUrg’s deal obviously has big ramifications for No. 2 pick Dustin Ackley, but also for subsequent players in future drafts. Some people are pointing the finger at Strasburg’s agent, Scott Boras.

If I were Scott Boras, Strasburg’s agent, I wouldn’t accept less than $22 million. That would double the biggest contract in the history of the draft ($10.8 million for Mark Teixeira). When the Rangers paid Teixeira in 2001, baseball’s total revenues were $3.7 billion. Now they are $6.5 billion, dead even with the NFL. Prices go up. Proportionally, Teixiera’s number now would be $19 million. And, as a power pitcher, Strasburg could someday become more of an October game-changer than any hitter. In fact, Boras might justifiably want even more. He believes deeply, not just as a ploy but also on principle, that American amateur-draft players, with no union behind them, have been shafted for decades. This is his chance, maybe the best ever, to redefine a market full of fixed prices. –Boswell.

Works for me. Teams like their players shiny and new, and if they also like them cheap, then the Nats will have to take a stand and basically toss their No. 1 pick back into the pond, and wave goodbye. Personally, I hate the baseball draft; it doesn’t include international players and it’s too damn long for any reasonable fan to follow. But this matchup of zealous superagent vs. stodgy big-market franchise fascinates me. It’s like watching a robot trying to engage in carnal relations with a whale. But, you know, more baseball-y than that.

By now, you’ve probably heard of Stephen Strasburg, the San Diego State pitcher that took the mound for Team USA, threw 100 a bazillion times, cured cancer and once caught a bullet with his teeth at a frat party. With today marking the start of the MLB Draft, the hype may finally be reaching a fever pitch. The Washington Nationals, who hold the first overall pick (shocker, I know), are certain to grab Strasburg and throw large piles of cash at him. And that’s really the way it should be.

Some people will use this draft as another opportunity to argue that rookies are overpaid, that It’s Not Right to be set for retirement, out-earning the veterans. This is poppycock. Poppycock, I say. As The Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase always said, everybody’s got a price. Yes, I just quoted a pro wrestler from the 1980s. Got a problem with it? Then it’s time for you to shove off.

Let me offer one analogy that might be a little too crude to withstand the holes that some of you will try to blow into it. Think about the car you drive. Right now. You like certain things about it. Your list of dislikes about it might be a little longer. Now suppose you had to buy that car–yes, I know you already own it, but stay with me. You either have to buy that car now, as-is, or buy the same make and model of that car from five years earlier. Assuming the price is the same, it’s a no-brainer, right?

Would you really spend the same money on a car that would last 60,000 fewer miles? If you would, this might be why you don’t own a professional sports team. Just as it would be ridiculous to spend money on transpo that you know will die sooner, spending money on a player with an equal relative shelf life would be equally heinous. And sure, you could buy “your car” and it could blow an axle in six months, but is it more likely to happen with the newer car? Not at all.

If one team is going to have the best player thrown into its lap–without having to competitively bid for his services–that team should be forced to pony up. In such a truly “fair” system, rookie contracts would be even larger. And the veterans would still be earning relatively less. Oh well.