Chances are about 70% of our updates for the next week and a half are going to involve Kate Upton in a baseball cap, so here’s another one, but at least this one has a moral. Watch with differing levels of delight as Chris Pratt from Parks and Recreation fails to properly operate a camera while interviewing celebrity softballers Upton and Erin Andrews about their roles in the week’s festivities (note: based on this and other videos, their role was to laugh affably while people pressured them to get naked). Andrews and Upton show off the respective Red Sox and Yankees patches on their jerseys because those are the only two teams that exist, prompting Kate to ask Pratt what’s on his.

Now, if Kate Upton asked me what was on anything of mine I would faint like a fat Victorian lady, but I’m not Andy Dwyer (or Scott Hatteberg). Pratt tries to play it off with a joke, but the women are wondering what the hell he’s doing sporting nautical iconography on his jersey, so he explains it with the kind of honest sports answer that makes jerks like me a fan of his for life.

I’m a Mariners fan from Seattle, so that’s why I came here. My wife and I are both from Seattle, and we love the Mariners.

Awesome. I like to think Kate Upton had a Cosmo Canyon planetarium moment and is going to spend the next two weeks googling “Mariners” and laughing at the moose.

Of course, Wikipedia tells me Pratt was born in Minnesota (and his wife, actress Anna Faris, is from Baltimore), but I won’t hold that against them. Where you’re from is where you feel like you’re from, and even though I only spent four years living in Ohio I refer to myself as being “from Cleveland”. Besides, I would feel terrible if I found out one of my favorite TV characters liked the Twins.

The 82nd Major League Baseball All-Star Game took place at Chase Field in Phoenix last night, and it appears that the American League’s era of dominance has come to an end. The National League All-Stars won the game 5-1, marking their second consecutive win over the AL losers, who had won the previous 60 All-Star Games or something like that. The NL, of course, now possesses home-field advantage for the World Series, because baseball is run by nincompoops who think this is a good idea. Seriously, how has this not been passed off as a bad joke yet?

Prince Fielder hit a 3-run home run in the bottom of the 4th inning off Texas Rangers pitcher C.J. Wilson to give the NL the only offense it would need, after Boston’s Adrian Gonzalez hit a solo shot in the top of the inning. L.A.’s Andre Ethier and San Francisco’s Pablo Sandoval each added a RBI for the NL to cushion the victory. And all the while, Joe Buck and Tim McCarver shared stories about players that none of us could bear listening to. But in case you skipped the game or you just chose not to watch it, I’ve put together this hasty retelling of last night’s action (not entirely in order, mind you). For full appreciation, pull a sheet over your head, fart, inhale it as deep as you can, and then talk like Buck for the next few minutes.

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The Major League Baseball All-Star Game happens tonight, and if you’re the type who needs an animal with mystical powers to tell you what will happen, this octopus at Sea Life in Arizona says it’s going to be the American League. It’s good to know that when one psychic octopus dies, another can rise up and take his place. Last year I won $500 on the World Cup by strangling the sh:t out of a carp.

The game was predicted by placing equal amounts of food in boxes labeled “American League” and “National League”, then allowing the octopus to choose which food (and by proxy, which team of adult humans) it preferred. The best part of the video is the Octomom bystander comments, which boil down to “it was so awesome seeing the octopus do things”. I wonder if this is how Arizona chose their immigration laws, by dunking a white guy and a brown guy into an aquarium and seeing which one gets molested first by a squid.

Regardless, this method is at least as fool-proof as the ESPN writer method, which is just reading what most people think and saying the opposite to try and piss them off.

[h/t Eye on Baseball]

My friend barely turned his head in my direction when he muttered, “I know you’re a Cardinals fan, but I thought that maybe you could at least appreciate Jeter’s accomplishment.” I wasn’t sure why he would say that, because as a St. Louis Cardinals fan, I’m generally viewed as the classiest and most intelligent of baseball fans. But regardless, of course I can appreciate Derek Jeter’s 3,000th hit this past Saturday. How could anyone not appreciate it?

Jeter became the first player in his franchise’s storied history to record his 3,000th career hit, and he did it in perfect New York Yankee fashion – with a home run. He became just the 28th player in Major League Baseball history to accomplish the feat of 3,000 hits, and only the second to do it with a home run (Wade Boggs) and while going 5-for-5 at the plate during that game (Craig Biggio). And with all reasonable probability, he’ll be one of the last few to hit 3,000 for quite some time.

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Major League Baseball’s All-Star Game festivities began yesterday in Phoenix with the Futures game but more importantly – Kate Upton. The Sports Illustrated swimsuit model took part in this year’s Taco Bell Legends & Celebrity Softball Game, which featured “A-list celebrities, athletes and MLB legends” but seeing as the participating “celebrities” were Greg Gunberg, Chord Overstreet and Jason Aldean, we’ll go easy on that A-list label.

The score suggests that the National League team, featuring Mark Grace, Larry Fitzgerald and Ozzie Smith, defeated the American League team 5-3. However, the AL team had Upton and Erin Andrews, so that’s pretty much an automatic win. Sure, the NL team had Jennie Finch and Jordin Sparks, but come on – Kate Upton. Seriously. Kate. Upton.

And that brings me to today’s thought. I can understand the point of having guys like Overstreet, Aldean, and Nick Jonas in the softball game, because they have some current star power. But why not just load the rosters with girls like Upton, Jessica Stam, Chanel Iman, and Chrissy Teigen, who is friends with Andrews and Upton and Tweeted about the damn game enough that she should have been there? Last time I checked, baseball was America’s game, and our America likes very attractive women.

After the jump, check out Upton, Andrews, Sparks, Jennie Finch, and the other, far-less-important celebrities from last night’s Legends & Celebrity Softball Game.

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Two times in his career as a Major League Baseball player, current Arizona Diamondbacks manager Kirk Gibson turned down invitations to play in the All-Star Game. Even though one of those invites came from his Detroit Tigers manager, Sparky Anderson, Gibson still declined because he wanted to spend time with his family and rest, which is unique because most players tend to embrace the spotlight, even as a coach’s selection or just a mandatory addition.

Apparently Gibson’s refusals all those years ago really pissed his dad off and now the son wants to make things right. Gibson will appear in his first-ever All-Star Game, this time as a coach, per the invite of San Francisco Giants and National League All-Stars manager Bruce Bochy.

During spring training, Gibson sat in his office and recounted some of the talks he had with his father about declining his two All-Star invitations. But even in late February, he knew he would be on Bochy’s coaching staff at this year’s game. Bochy and Gibson had talked about it all winter.

“Old man, you’re finally going to get your wish,” Gibson said, gazing up at the ceiling.

Robert Gibson grew up during the Great Depression and couldn’t play baseball as a youth. He was too busy pulling a red wagon and hawking vegetables or selling newspapers.

“He lived his childhood, I think,” Gibson said, “through me.” (AZ Central)

*pauses Field of Dreams, puts down little league trophy, throws cell phone out the window, wipes eyes*

Ha, what a bunch of sissy boys!