Via Guyism comes the funniest and saddest thing you’ll see all over the Internet today:

Your blooper of College Football Saturday comes courtesy of 6’10″ 377-lb Terrell Brown, who, apparently is not aware of how big he is. Watch as he sits on this small plastic chair…and watch as the chair crumbles beneath him.

To his credit, that chair looks like it would buckle to a light breeze and was already in the process of breaking when he sat down. The scale of the matter and the juxtaposition of such a hopeless chair with such a gigantic sports ass it what makes it memorable. A special thanks goes out to whichever College Football Saturday producer decided it was a good idea to air and deride poor Terrell in his moment of (extreme) weakness.

Last week, pitchers Justin Verlander of the Detroit Tigers and Francisco Liriano of the Minnesota Twins threw no-hitters and everybody was all like, “Oh snap, two no-hitters in one week?” And eternal Pulitzer nominees like the Detroit Free Press are wondering if a guy like Verlander is finally set to be a star for his second no-no. Of course the answer is… hell no. Not when Kelsi Dunne is kicking ass and taking names.

A University of Alabama softball sensation, Dunne pitched the ninth no-hitter of her collegiate career Friday night against Ole Miss, as the Tide won 8-0 in exciting college softball fashion. The only thing that stood between Dunne and perfection was a hit batter, but I’ve heard that women tend to experience emotional flares every four batters.

In all seriousness, though…

According to Alabama head coach Patrick Murphy, this title is for the hurting community that has supported the Alabama softball program since the beginning.

“This was for Tuscaloosa and all the communities in Alabama that were hit by the tornados,” Murphy said. “It’s great to bring home an SEC championship two years in a row and we can’t wait to celebrate with the people of Tuscaloosa.” (Crimson Tide Examiner)

Both the Tide and the Rebels presented checks to tornado relief efforts before the game, which is commendable and admirable enough to make sure this doesn’t spiral off into jokes about fantasies and pillow fights. This time.

The south is at it again. Don’t get me wrong, I love being on the leisurely side of the Mason-Dixon line, but man, they need to hire an image consultant. Yes, all 17-ish southern states. One image consultant. Economies of scale there. And yes, it should probably be a minority. Anyway, the state legislature in Mississippi wants to bring back “Colonel Reb,” the not-exactly-racist mascot that its eponymous Oxford university started removing from the school’s identity since 2003.

House Bill 1106, authored by Duvall, would amend the state code, adding a provision that the University of Mississippi “shall bear the nickname ‘Ole Miss Rebels’ and its mascot shall be ‘Colonel Rebel.’ “[...]

In a post titled “Mark DuVall: Epic MetaTroll or Disgruntled, Slightly Empowered Redneck?” the Red Cup Rebellion blog writes: “Unless they’re trying to strip Ole Miss of the educational shackles enforced by the (state College Board) or beef up the school’s annual budget, the Legislature of Mississippi really needn’t meddle further with Ole Miss’ affairs.”

–Clarion-Ledger [MS], via College Football Blog.

DuVall, it should be noted, is an Ole Miss alum and a freshman rep in the state House, so he may not be aware that the purpose of the state legislature isn’t to serve as a magic wish machine. Or, maybe it does. That would explain why their state is $13 billion in debt.

The University of Mississippi will begin implementing the school’s first on-field mascot since 2003. The currently-unnamed “Rebel Black Bear” was chosen from three other mascot finalists, as determined by a student-run committee, and then a campus-wide vote. Sadly, the much-ballyhooed Admiral Ackbar did not make the cut.

The bear beat out two other finalists, the Rebel Land Shark and something called the “Hotty Toddy,” an attempt to personify the school cheer. The bear received 62 percent of the vote in the final poll.

“I know there was a lot of people emotionally invested in Colonel Reb and everybody might not completely agree with the bear, but I think everyone can be proud of how our students went about the process,” said Sparky Reardon, the university’s dean of students.

Margaret Ann Porter, a co-chairman of the student mascot selection committee, said the bear was recommended because it had a Mississippi connection, would appeal to children and would be unique to the Southeastern Conference. –KC Star.

I wonder how many Ole Miss students will now cite the bear as one of their “black friends” whenever they get into a racial argument. I can pretty much end it with that joke, yes? Okay, cool. See you later.

Former Oregon quarterback Jeremiah Masoli has found a new home, thanks to (a) some Southern hospitality and (b) the fact that Ole Miss and head coach Houston Nutt didn’t have a quarterback. The embattled senior-to-be will be walking on in Oxford, working for both playing team and some renovation of his public image.

[Masoli's status at Oregon] quickly changed after the season when he was charged for his role in stealing a pair of laptop computers and a guitar from a fraternity house. He pleaded guilty to a reduced charge of misdemeanor second-degree burglary and Oregon coach Chip Kelly suspended him for the 2010 season.[..]

Kelly dismissed him in June, though, after he was cited for possession of less than an ounce of marijuana and two other noncriminal violations following a traffic stop.

He can play immediately under NCAA rules because he has earned his undergraduate degree and is enrolling in graduate school. He said on his website he will enter the parks and recreation management program. –FOX Sports.

Does Masoli even play guitar? Hey, good for Nutt, whose Rebels are still reeling from the loss of Jevan Snead (who made a questionable decision of his own by staying in school last season). Personally, I hope he gets thrown off the team again. The last thing we need is another soft piano human interest piece about a guy that “redeemed himself” by not smoking weed and not stealing laptops. Football players shouldn’t be committing felonies on Fraternity Row. That’s the fraternity’s job.

The ESS-EEE-SEE saw one of its higher-ranked teams fall off the national landscape last night when Ole Miss wandered into Columbia, South Carolina to take its first loss of the season. After watching the Rebels quarterback Jevon Snead go JaMarcus Russell while running for his life (7 for 21 passing, 4 sacks), one has to wonder how that team was ranked fourth in the country by the AP.

The Gamecocks (3-1, 1-1) had been 1-31 all-time against Top 5 foes, but left Williams-Brice Stadium with the biggest win of coach Steve Spurrier’s five seasons.

“It was good to get a win when everybody watches,” Spurrier said. “It was good for all Gamecocks.” via.

I’m not burying Ole Miss based entirely based on their performance last night. After all, they started the season at No. 8, probably because of their 13 returning starters, including NFL scouting mancrush Jevon Snead. But seriously, fourth in the country? I’m just not that impressed with those middle-of-the-road SEC teams, especially when non-BCS schools are forced to run the table to garner any national respect at all.