LIONS FAN GETS TATTOO OF 0-16 — It’s an epic fail honoring an epic fail! The whole world will now get sucked into a black hole. (thanks to reader Dale and KSK)
CANDACE PARKER IS PREGNANT — Explains the eloping she and Shelden Williams did. That kid’s gotta be some kind of superhuman basketball creation. It’s the sort of thing that the government would be doing if we lived in China.
ESPN IS GIVING RICK REILLY A TV SHOW — I’ve got nothing personal against Reilly, and yet here I am, dismissing this with a wanking motion. Sorry, Rick.
Here’s a quick look at some things I won’t be covering in detail before the year ends.
Check back in at midnight Eastern time for a special New Year’s post. Until then, drink heavily, and don’t drive anywhere.
The year was 1981. America was swept up by a Ronald Reagan who still had most of his mental faculties. New Wave was moving in on the Disco Era, white people had moved on from quaaludes to cocaine, and some enterprising producer sought to create a rightful heir to The Village People. And so there came to be The All Sports Band.
The sheer ridiculousness of it was overwhelming. You had a baseball player, kick boxer (who apparently was a hockey player in concept, but was switched when they realized skates would be pretty hard to wear onstage), race car driver, football player, and boxer. Apparently after a long day of playing their respective sports, they wanted to rock out a little…
They never toured, and never released another album. In fact, interest in the album they did release was so low, that it hardly shipped to stores. Most copies that exist are promo editions that were sent to radio stations.
This is precisely the sort of thing for which “EPIC FAIL” was coined. They didn’t just fail. They failed spectacularly. In the 1980s. That’s amazing to me. I thought every horrible idea was just accepted blindly in the ’80s. Shoulder pads in women’s jackets, Ewoks, trickle-down economics… and yet there was no room for the All Sports Band. If any of these guys are still alive, they’re turning tricks for closeted drunks in a highway underpass. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
(thanks to Upstate Underdog, video after the jump) Read the rest of this entry »
I’m way too lazy to go through the archives and make year-end lists and top-ten compilations, but I’m willing to acknowledge when it’s done well elsewhere. Manofest compiled what it believes are the ten hottest videos of girls in bikinis playing sports. Are there Japanese girls bouncing? You betcha.
The scene above — hot oil wrestling from The L Word — comes in at #2. And I can personally assure you that that is beyond fake. I’ve personally been to jello wrestling events that cater to lesbians, and you’re much less likely to see lipstick femmes than you are the bad haircuts and wispy mustaches common only to teenage boys and dykes. Sorry.
U.S. Bikini Bowling Team after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »
I suppose new jet pack records aren’t technically sports news, but if you don’t want to read about people in jet packs flying over gorges, F-CK YOU. Eric Scott flew 1500 feet and braved the possibility of an 1100-foot plunge without a parachute when he flew over Royal Gorge with a jet pack. And did I mention that there was a jet pack involved? JET PACK! **plays air guitar**
The jet pack carried only 33 seconds of fuel, which gave him no time to spare to cross the chasm. He made the crossing at 12:20 p.m. in 21 seconds, flying at 75 mph, according to Go Fast Sports & Beverage, which sponsored the stunt…
“It’s pretty much incomparable to anything I’ve done in the past,” Scott said last week via cell phone from Mexico City, where he was performing similar — though not quite as daunting — feats with the jet pack. [read: jet pack donkey show - Ed.]
The pack’s designer wants to add a turbine engine that could increase flight time to nine minutes, but I think we can all agree that that’s still not enough time for an effective killing spree that terrorizes half the city.
Oh. Hello. I’m sorry, were you not expecting to see Joe Namath in a towel with Farrah Fawcett today? What about Sylvester Stallone punching Muhammad Ali at Planet Hollywood? What about heavyweight champion Lenox Lewis with alcoholic-era Kerry Collins with porn star Heather Hunter with a Baldwin brother in a ‘do rag? Did I just blow your mind?
Yesterday, Life Magazine made life awesome for the Internet-having public by opening up its photo archives on Google. Ball Don’t Lie already scored Billy Baldwin with the Knicks City Dancers, and in fact a mere search of “Baldwin” opens up a trove of gold. You should also see what Big League Stew turned up on Joe DiMaggio.
Below are some of my favorites. Andre Agassi with hair. College-age Wilt Chamberlain with white girls at Kansas. Agassi with Joe Montana and Wayne Gretzky at an event for the All Star Cafe. Jesus, do you remember the All Star Cafe? What a tremendous failure. I love it.
