I liked football better back when I thought it was real.

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5 Reasons The New DC Logo Is Awful, Awful, Awful - Is comics the only industry where the only way to succeed is to systematically ruin and re-ruin and re-ruin everything halfway decent the people who had the job before you did? Marvel’s new logo should just be Walmart’s. [Gamma Squad]

10 Reasons To Shop At Wal-Mart - Reason 11: those 25 dollar WWE DVDs get dropped down to 5 bucks and tossed in the discount bin whenever they retire or get released. Oh hai Edge DVD! [Buzzfeed]

Hazel Jones’s Two Vaginas Are Freely Available On YouTube - Thank goodness! If they aren’t going to release seasons of Hazels Jones’s Two Vaginas on DVD, at least I get to watch it somewhere. [Film Drunk]

Cable TV Is Full of Liars - As if those infomercials where the people try to grab bread or whatever in black and white and get hurt and get a big red X over their faces weren’t enough of a clue. [Warming Glow]

Kevin Love’s Game Winning Three Breaks The Clippers 101-98 - More importantly, which celebrities watched it happen? [Smoking Section]

A Premature Tribute To Paul Rudd’s Bobby Newport - Bobby Newport. Bobby Newport. Bobby, Newport. Bobby. Bobby. [UPROXX]

9 Funny Tourist Photobombs - HuffPost Comedy, for when you want to read Cracked.com but wish it was written by job-stealing robots. [HuffPost Comedy]

Man Sues Rupert Murdoch For Defaming Him Through ‘Donnie Darko’ and ‘The X-Files’ - I should sue him for defaming me through ‘Bob’s Burgers’. [The FW]

The 10 Least Plausible Movie Stunts Ever. Complete With SOPA-unfriendly Videos - That horse powersliding under a truck had better be on here somewhere. Also, Jessica Alba hurting someone with a punch ever. [FARK]

Five Movies where One Actor has Five or More Roles - It’s pretty sad when these lists go up, and Alec Guinness and Peter Sellers get lumped into the talent pool with post-Crisis Eddie Murphy. Yes, Kind Hearts And Coronets is just like The Klumps. [Unreality]

Redesigns of Classic Hip-Hop Album Covers - Someone should redesign every album Nas has made since Illmatic so he can be as cool and good as he’s supposed to be. Also, redesign Nicki Minaj by turning her into a giant pink blur, plz. [High Definite]

As my fascination with the mental capacity of NBA general managers continues, Minnesota’s David Kahn has once again excelled beyond the wildest imaginable possibilities. It was only last week that he traded the No. 6 overall pick from the 2009 draft, point guard Jonny Flynn, for 35-year old arthritic bag of bones center Brad Miller*, and then drafted Derrick Williams with the second pick in this year’s draft after he failed to trade the pick (or Michael Beasley) to a team that actually needed a young power forward. And to top it all off with a pair of solid gold Truck Nutz, Kahn actually tried to hire Mike Krzyzewski.

Talk about a waste of time. Coach K once turned down a chance to go to the Lakers and coach Kobe Bryant in his prime. Did Kahn really think that he could get Krzyzewski to leave his Duke kingdom? He did.

“He tried to get him,” said one Kahn confidante.

Kahn was looking for a miracle or two. The other miracle is turning Ricky Rubio into a first-rate NBA point guard. As he showed over the last two seasons in Spain, the T-Wolves’ No. 1 draft pick of 2009 can’t shoot consistently or beat people off the dribble. That was versus inferior competition in Europe. Now he’s supposed to be able to do those things against the top players in the world? (New York Post)

To be clear, Rubio averaged 4.8 points in the Spanish ACB League this season, and a whopping 6.5 per game in Euroleague. Did anyone really have to think very hard about why Rubio decided he suddenly wanted to come to the NBA? I’ll give you a hint – it rhymes with GIANT PAYCHECK. Wait, I suck at hints. Kahn, of course, also tried to trade for Steve Nash so he could spend his final days in the NBA as a mentor to Rubio instead of trying to win his own elusive NBA title with a team not run by the winner of David Stern’s “So You Think You Can GM” contest.

Regardless, the comedy of Kahn calling Coach K to coach the Wolves is absolutely priceless. I can practically hear it now…

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It’s finally over, friends. Possibly one of the worst, if not the worst, NBA Drafts in recent memory. The Cleveland Cavaliers ended weeks of speculation that they would either make Duke’s Kyrie Irving the No. 1 pick in this year’s draft or they would keep pretending like they were going to take Derrick Williams by selecting Irving. Meanwhile, the Minnesota Timberwolves managed to screw up the incredibly simple task of trading the No. 2 pick of Williams, a player they don’t need, for assets they do need and future picks. And there were plenty of trades that made little sense, European players we’ve never heard of, jackass fans booing every single pick, and a second round full of guys we will never hear from again. Ah yes, the glorious NBA Draft.

Now I’m no expert by any means, and I’m often wrong when it comes to projections and theories. But I have become quite a big NBA fan over the past few seasons, so I’m learning. And I think that this draft was an exceptional learning tool for the fan like me, learning to love a sport that has never been kind in parity, while also being completely aware that the league is locking out in 6 days. So I had some thought while watching this draft and I thought that I might share them. What can I say? I’m a generous lover.

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The first thing you hear when you click play on this video is people going HE’S COMING, HE’S COMING. Spanish basketball phenom Ricky Rubio rides down an escalator, and the people are all HE’S WEARING A BLAZER AND A SHIRT AND SHOES, AND HE’S WEARING A HAT AND HUMANS ARE NEAR HIM. Seconds later, people are wooing and hooting, and some guy says LOOK AT THE PAGEANTRY. The pageantry of someone wearing clothes and using an escalator to change floors and walking in an airport.

Such is the new life of Rubio, picked fifth overall in the 2009 NBA draft, as he replaces Kent Hrbek and F. Scott Fitzgerald in the (assumedly shared) consciousness of Minnesota. After walking through an airport (and this is not a joke), Fox Sports is writing about how his personality is a defibrillator to a franchise in need of life. Imagine the Minnesota Timberwolves as the Washington Nationals and Rubio as Stephen Strasburg, only Spanish and biting a basketball. Did anybody describe what Strasburg was wearing when he landed in the D.C. airport? Did he have two functioning arms?

I’m hoping Rubio turns out to be a huge deal, just so one of the biggest stars in the NBA will look and act like Chachi from “Happy Days”.

[video via SBN, h/t to our own Cajun Boy]

Who's ready to f*ck up two lottery picks?

The Cleveland Cavaliers won the first pick in the 2011 NBA Draft last night, and Dan Gilbert and Co. are now on the clock to most likely select Duke point guard Kyrie Irving in what many are I’m calling one of the worst drafts in NBA history. But the Cavs have a great chance to rebuild in the post-LeBron era with the top pick and the No. 4 pick, with which they’ll probably select a big European player, because that’s what this draft looks like. However, it’s Dan Gilbert we’re talking about and he doesn’t need to rebuild, because his Cavs will win a championship before LeBron James and the Miami Heat, who you can watch tonight in Game 2 of the Eastern Conference Finals, which is the last round before the NBA Finals, after which a team wins a championship, in case Dan is confused.

Playoff semantics aside, Dan sent his 14-year old son Nick, who suffers from neurofibromatosis, as the team’s ambassador to David Stern’s lip-craving butt, and Minnesota Timberwolves general manager David Kahn used Nick’s presence to air his thoughts on the Lottery selection process.

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The Minnesota Timberwolves have finally done something clever, and it only took them 22 years. I actually didn’t want to cover this, but then everyone else was soiling themselves over it, so I deliver it unto you against my better judgement.

On the same day the NBA announced the starters for the All-Star game next month, the Wolves’ public relations department unveiled its campaign to convince the coaches to vote their star into the game as a reserve.

A box was mailed to all Western Conference coaches that includes a bottle of ”Numb#rs” cologne, a DVD with a 30-second commercial for the product that spoofs an ultra-serious fragrance ad, an advertisement that includes Love and a local model dressed to the nines and a list of his accomplishments on the back, and a bottle of face lotion just for good measure.

–Fox Sports.

Annoying. If he’s not good enough to get voted in on his own merits, then he shouldn’t get in.

Cool video, though. I totally want to drink with that…whatever the hell that was.

NBA NOTES: If you can dunk like Will Bynum, you could win a big HDTV, a Wii, and perhaps enough self-respect to get through the winter. You can register on Above The Rim’s Facebook page, perhaps while listening to some Kris Kross…BYU’s Jimmer Fredette is getting a lot of attention from NBA media, not to mention NBA players…LeBron James And Friends lost to the Knicks last night. Dwyane Wade wore a red-tinted lens over his face (though not the ones he wanted, right) for a migrane issue. He could probably expect a class-action lawsuit anyday from James Worthy, the X-Man Cyclops, and RoboCop.