I want to be very clear about something – I do not condone the use of marijuana for recreational purposes. However, when it comes to wearing clothes that depict marijuana, I’m a huge fan. After all, nothing says, “I’m ready for that job, Mr. Corporate Executive” like wearing a “Space Nug T-Shirt”, which you can purchase for yourself and/or a loved one for just $39.99.
I always say that you dress for the job you want, so if you want to be an interplanetary drug dealer, this is the shirt that will turn heads and make intergalactic drug kingpins notice you. Live your dream today or cry about it tomorrow.
When I was born, my grandmother knitted me a quilt, as was a tradition in my family for many years. When my mom finally tried to give me that quilt this year, I was all, “But mom, I live in Florida, where we only use quilts to cover up our meth equipment when the cops come by to examine reports of chainsaw fights.” Plus, she knitted that quilt 33 years… I mean, 25 years ago, and it’s probably a little delicate. Anyway, no disrespect to my grandmother, but her quilt had nothing on the blanket one NBA fan apparently had made for his grandmother.
Yesterday, as I was shooting gravy intravenously, Minnesota Timberwolves guard Ricky Rubio Tweeted a picture of a man’s grandmother, which is definitely much better than Shawn Kemp Tweeting a picture of your grandma, because this woman was holding up the giant quilt that she presumably received from her favorite little guy. As you can see, that’s a Ricky Rubio quilt.
It may haunt your dreams, but it will keep you oh-so-warm.
The other day, I noticed someone on my Twitter feed complaining that it’s not ESPN’s and cable news’ fault that all we want is bad news and controversy reported to us. And I thought, “Hold on, I don’t want that. Who wants that? People who want that suck”, and so on and so forth. I guess it’s kind of true, and I really just don’t want to believe that there are sick people who are so miserable with their own lives that they can only feel better by watching other people suffer. That’s probably why Andre Johnson’s amazing act of kindness last week went largely unnoticed. Because it wasn’t sexy or scandalous.
Well screw that, because we like good stories about good athletes, so with that, Los Angeles Clippers guard Chris Paul is our Super Cool Athlete of the Week because he took a trip home to Winston-Salem yesterday to donate time and money to local kids so they could spoil themselves with toys. Teaming up with fellow Wake Forest alum Josh Howard (who couldn’t attend, but he’s still cool), Paul gave 100 gift cards valued at $100 to 100 at-risk kids, and by my Florida education I believe that comes out to $6 trillion.
His first effort: playing the classic vertical board game Connect Four with basketballs on the Spanish talk show “El Hormiguero,” aka “The Anthill”. It’s the most fun a basketball player can have with a board game without organizing a living Guess Who? “Do you wear stupid glasses with no lenses?” “Yes.” “YOU’RE DWYANE!”
Important information about the weird puppets you’re seeing, courtesy of Ball Don’t Lie:
(Those puppets you see bopping in front of Rubio at the start of the video above are ants who live in the anthill. Their names are Trancas and Barrancas, apparently taken from the Spanish expression for “in fits and starts,” and now I want them on every American talk show.)
Hell, I’d watch an entire year of daytime TV just to see Steve Harvey get upset about them.
Anyway, this looks like a hell of a lot of fun and Rubio’s shot looks solid. He should spend September through October just showing up on different talk shows and game shows to beat the hosts at basketball-themed, giant-sized board games. He could destroy ‘The Price Is Right’ with that shot. Maybe beat Ellen at a game of Massive Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Bonus: Here are a few old Connect Four commercials, because why not?
What do you do if you’re a 23-year-old millionaire and your employer is about to make a decision that could send you across the country, uproot your existence and change your entire life? If you’re like Minnesota Timberwolves forward Michael Beasley, you cope with the stress by pretending to be a blogger until everything blows over.
What was Wolves forward Michael Beasley doing in those final minutes before Thursday’s trade deadline when his fate was decided and the Wolves turned down a trade offer that would have sent him to the Lakers?
“I know exactly what I was doing: I watching Fanboy and Chum Chum, eating pizza, French fries and lemonade,” he said, referring to a Nickelodeon cartoon and some of his favorite foods.
In case you weren’t aware, ‘Fanboy and Chum Chum’ is an animated show on Nickelodeon, so imagine a story from 25 years ago where Karl Malone tells Bob Costas that he thought he was gonna be traded, so he got high and watched six straight hours of ‘David The Gnome’.
If “I watched cartoons” wasn’t Manny Ramirez Man-Child enough of an answer, I’m pretty sure “pizza, french fries and lemonade” is the most second grade last meal of all time. The only way it could’ve been better is if he’d eaten chicken nuggets with ketchup. Serious journalism question: Was the pizza square?
Anyway, today’s Family Matters reference may be even more direct than “Urkel is doing something” — someone continued the recent string of bizarre, borderline-trolling Minnesota Timberwolves videos by setting footage of the team to “As Days Go By” by Jesse Frederick, AKA the Family Matters theme song. It doesn’t make a lot of sense, but Urkel shows up somewhere in the middle, because one time he played basketball.
Now someone needs to make it even greater by giving it a Room 4 U remix.