What do you do if you’re a 23-year-old millionaire and your employer is about to make a decision that could send you across the country, uproot your existence and change your entire life? If you’re like Minnesota Timberwolves forward Michael Beasley, you cope with the stress by pretending to be a blogger until everything blows over.

From Jerry Zgoda of The Minneapolis Star Tribune:

What was Wolves forward Michael Beasley doing in those final minutes before Thursday’s trade deadline when his fate was decided and the Wolves turned down a trade offer that would have sent him to the Lakers?

“I know exactly what I was doing: I watching Fanboy and Chum Chum, eating pizza, French fries and lemonade,” he said, referring to a Nickelodeon cartoon and some of his favorite foods.

In case you weren’t aware, ‘Fanboy and Chum Chum’ is an animated show on Nickelodeon, so imagine a story from 25 years ago where Karl Malone tells Bob Costas that he thought he was gonna be traded, so he got high and watched six straight hours of ‘David The Gnome’.

If “I watched cartoons” wasn’t Manny Ramirez Man-Child enough of an answer, I’m pretty sure “pizza, french fries and lemonade” is the most second grade last meal of all time. The only way it could’ve been better is if he’d eaten chicken nuggets with ketchup. Serious journalism question: Was the pizza square?

[h/t Ball Don't Lie]

Yesterday’s day of updates included two major references to 80s/90s TGIF sitcom staple ‘Family Matters’: Jaleel ‘Steve Urkel’ White being announced as one of the celebrities for season 14 of Dancing With The Stars and highlights of the NBA D-League slam dunk contest that featured a contestant dressed as Larry Johnson’s ‘Grandmama’ wherein I incorrectly identified Grandmama as someone who helped Eddie Winslow win a basketball game 20 years ago, when in actuality she helped URKEL win 20 years ago when Eddie bailed on him to be on a team with someone else. I apologize for that erroneous mistake.

Anyway, today’s Family Matters reference may be even more direct than “Urkel is doing something” — someone continued the recent string of bizarre, borderline-trolling Minnesota Timberwolves videos by setting footage of the team to “As Days Go By” by Jesse Frederick, AKA the Family Matters theme song. It doesn’t make a lot of sense, but Urkel shows up somewhere in the middle, because one time he played basketball.

Now someone needs to make it even greater by giving it a Room 4 U remix.

[h/t Sportress Of Blogitude]

Or, “Justin Timberwolf”. No matter what we do we feel the pain, whether we’re watching them or not. (via Sportress)

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Links

UPROXX ‘Archer’ Open Thread: ‘Bloody Ferlin’ With Associate Art Director Chad Hurd - When I’m done catching up with ‘Breaking Bad’, I swear I’m spending a week watching nothing but Archer on Netflix Instant. [UPROXX]

Open Thread — Who Is the Better Character: Walter White or Raylan Givens? - And then, uh, I’m gonna start watching ‘Justified’. Man, I’m terrible at watching television while it’s actually on. [Warming Glow]

2012 Oscars Best Picture Bracket: Round 3 - I liked The Artist, but I’m hoping Midnight In Paris can pull off an upset here. It’s a Woody Allen movie MY MOM enjoyed! [Film Drunk]

Unlaced: adidas Designer Robbie Fuller Talks The adiZero Rose 2.5 - My shoes are also unlaced, and I’m going to talk about argyle Vans. Yes, because of David Otunga, shut up. [Smoking Section]

What If Male Superheroes’ Costumes Were Designed Like Female Superheroes’ Costumes? - They couldn’t be! Where would poor Rob Liefeld draw his pockets? [Gamma Squad]

Steve Carell In Now On Twitter - I can’t wait to see him and Ricky Gervais make awkward jokes about each other all the time. #notgoodafterseason2 [Buzzfeed]

David Wain’s Reddit AMA: 15 Best Answers From ‘Wanderlust’ Director’s Q&A (PICTURES) - If my girlfriend ever ends up contributing to UPROXX, it’ll be nothing but interviews with Stella. [HuffPost Comedy]

What To Expect When You’re Expecting An Apocalypse - Hopefully there’s some sort of movie or comedy or book or comic that could help me out here! At this point I think it might be better to assume everything’ll be all right. [Adult Swim]

The first extended look at Pixar’s “Brave”. June cannot get here soon enough - I don’t care how good it ends up being, I’m calling it How To Train Your Daughter In 3-D until at least June. [FARK]

New Dad Jay-Z Is Deeply Disappointed In RihRih For Reuniting With Breezy - I think our first goal should be to stop calling the deluded, violent sociopath “breezy”. [Bossip]

Does ‘World of Warcraft’ Make Elderly People Smarter? - I don’t know, but I’m interested in seeing how smart ‘Excitebike’ makes them, especially after I’ve beaten their asses at Excitebike. [The FW]

Whip Out Your Wands, J.K. Rowling To Write Something For The “Adult” Crowd - If she writes something more complex than “Harry said, then Ron Said, then Harry Said”, hell, I’ll buy it. [Pajiba]

In direct emotional contrast to Lamar Odom watching Khloe Kardashian’s monster body collapse in a sex swing, here is an absolutely adorable video by way of The Basketball Jones of 3-year old Minnesota Timberwolves fan Chase explaining that his favorite player is Nikola Pekovic, he named his hamster Ricky Rubio and, in a total Chauncey Gardiner moment, says his favorite thing to do is watch.

I don’t blame him for loving Nikola Pekovic (his Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego? Rockapella parody made him my favorite Timberwolf, too) or for the preciously affected way he named his pet. In retrospect I wish I’d named my hamster “Tim Hardaway” when I was younger instead of going for a dumb pun*.

And hey, with his aptitude at pronouncing “Nikola Pekovic” and signature sign-off, he’s ready for on-air duties about 35-years ahead of schedule. He’s probably already better at math than Martel Webster:

Read the rest of this entry »

For whatever reason, it was decided that Minnesota Timberwolves center Nikola Pekovic would walk in place in front of a green screen so someone could play Rockapella’s “Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego?” theme and make him look like he’s in the jungle.

I guess the best questions would be “what, why?”, but in a world where Bubba Watson has an all-golfer boy band and the UFC Middleweight Champion wants to f**k a BK Stacker, sometimes the best course of action is to take a step back, watch the video in stunned silence, and come up with a more esoteric, answerable question like, “why is he wearing a safari hat at the Great Wall Of China?”

Hopefully this leads to one of two things: a “Where In Time Is Nikola Pekovic?” follow-up where he waves and makes surprised faces at George Washington, or some sort of bonus round where Darko Miličić runs around on an Africa map trying to find Chad.

By way of That NBA Lottery Pick comes this video of Luis Scola hitting Kevin Love in the groin with a basketball, and I think my favorite part is when Kevin Love gets hit in the groin with a basketball.

The YouTube video description provides context:

Luis Scola hits Kevin Love in the groin

Okay, maybe not.

The second best part of the video (besides the guy getting hit in the groin with a basketball) has to be the coining of the phrase “love stomach” to describe testicles. It’s pretty accurate. Plus, Kevin Love got absolutely crushed in the Love Stomach.