The Wisconsin Badgers travel to the well-lit Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome today to take on the mighty Minnesota Golden Gophers to renew the oldest and most-played rivalry in Division I-A football.  Of course they will play for Paul Bunyan's Ax because these states have nothing redeeming and are forced to compete for imaginary implements.  They used to play for a slab of bacon, but that part of the country is much more health conscious now. If you thought they were just a region of worthless fat fucks, you were wrong.  And the girls – top notch. Why don't they have any other Tall Tale college football trophies? Who wouldn't love to see a game for John Henry's hammer, Sally Hemmings' enchanted petticoat, or Joseph Smith's magic golden tablets? In other Big Ten Trophy action today:

• The Sweet Sioux Tomahawk: Northwestern vs. Illinois – The Fightin' Illini appear to be in line for the win and also appear to enjoy pissing off Indians.
• The Old Oaken Bucket: Purdue vs. Indiana – Interestingly, this  bucket is not referred to as "old" in the state of Indiana. This simple pail represents the height of technological advancement to the Boilermakers and Hoosiers.
• The Land Grant Trophy: Penn State vs. Michigan State – lame.

Oh yeah, Ohio State is playing Michigan for the trophy they compete for nearly every year – the Big Ten Championship trophy. -KD

I know you're probably already transfixed on the pictocube watching the majesty that is Big Ten football, but the Iowa Hawkeyes and Minnesota Golden Gophers are battling right now to see who will take home Floyd of Rosedale.  Who is Floyd?  Well, it seems to relieve animosity between to the 2 universities, Iowa governor Clyde Herring awarded Minnesota governor Floyd Olson a full-blooded champion pig (and brother of Blue Boy who starred with Will Rogers' in the classic film State Fair – GASP! The Blue Boy?) after the Gophers defeated the Hawkeyes in 1935.  A bronze statue of the heroic swine was cast and given to the winner of the game ever since. What a magnificent tradition! As this marquee match-up between Midwestern powerhouses needed anything more.

And the Big Ten's splendid lore doesn't end there. Ohio State and Illinois play today to capture the wily Illibuck:

lly Illibuck is a wooden turtle trophy presented to the winner of the Ohio State-Illinois football game. Originally the "trophy" was a live turtle when the tradition began in 1925, picked for its long life expectancy as a symbol of the long life of the rivalry. Since the passing of the original turtle in 1927 nine wooden replica Illibucks have been carved, each with the scores from games on its back . . . Another part of the rivalry once included the smoking of the peace pipe between members of two junior honorary societies, Bucket and Dipper of Ohio State and Atius-Sachem of Illinois, which occurred at halftime. This practice has not been done for many years. -Wikipedia

I wonder when they stopped smoking the calumet? I mean on the field. I'm sure several scholars at both of these fine institutions still practice this ritual right before skipping class and devouring 4 lbs. of Taco Bell. -KD

University of Minnesota Football Coach Tim Brewster suspended three of his players until a criminal sexual assault investigation is completed:

The players were identified by the university as Alex Daniels, listed as a 6-foot-3, 255-pound defensive end who came to the Gophers as a highly touted linebacker from Columbus, Ohio; Keith Massey, a 6-foot-1, 195-pound cornerback from Columbus; and E.J. Jones, a 5-foot-9, 185-pound running back from Edwardsville, Ill.

Rumors that E.J. Jones is funny-looking in a kind of general way, is not circumcised, and is staying with the strapping Shep Proudfoot in the Twin Cities area are unsubstantiated.  Meanwhile at Penn State this week, football players are being questioned in connection with a brawl at an off-campus apartment.  PSU Assistant Vice President Bill Mahon did not appreciate the helpful letter the apartment's residents received from "The Voice of the Penn State Student Body":

Mahon, relaying the contents of the letter, said the author asked "politely that you drop the charges" and added, "Again, I'm sorry about what happened."  "This is deplorable," he said. "Nobody should have taken this upon themselves … We all need to support the victims in every way possible."

Come on, they said they were sorry.  Plus I think the police should look elsewhere for the culprits because that writing is a bit too coherent for a Nittany Lion footballer.  Finally, Purdue Wide Receiver Selwyn Lymon was released from the hospital after being treated for stab wounds to the chest:  

Lymon was stabbed March 30 during a fight at a West Lafayette night club. Police were looking for a young woman in connection with the incident. Lymon was originally listed in critical condition after the stabbing.

Probably an enlightened discussion about the merits of the bubble-screen pass turned south. I'm sure Joe Tiller is culpable somehow. -KD

(Much gratitude to Signal to Noise.)

Ah, college hockey. It happens in northern states, where it's actually en vogue to care about hockey. Thousands of passionate fans in the stands, long-standing rivalries that actually matter, and Minnesota goalie Jeff Frazee is ready to play!

Ooh. Might be time to transfer. Actually, that's kind of a lengthy process. He might need something more immediate, like smashing a hole in the ice and drowning himself in the icy water.

What the fuck do you mean they don't play on a frozen lake? Man, hockey sucks.

(Via SimonOnSports)