First things first, Minneapolis’ mayor is named Rybak, just like a certain meathead WWE pro wrestler. That’s his actual name. It’s “R.T. Rybak,” so in my head he will forever be known as Retweet Ryback.

Now that that’s out of the way, here’s the hook:

Minneapolis Mayor R.T. Rybak today paid up his end of his friendly wager with Green Bay Mayor Jim Schmitt on the outcome of last Saturday’s NFC wild-card game, which the Green Bay Packers won against the Minnesota Vikings.

I’m pausing here, because I want you to assume that when two mayors make a bet, they’re betting money (like normal people), or at least some kind of service. Like, if the Packers lost, Schmitt would have to do Rybak’s laundry for a month, sitcom style. Maybe it’d be a SimCity thing, where if the Vikings lost, Rybak would have to send Schmitt an amusement park or zoo.

Continue reading. Here’s where the Rybak joke really gets good:

“We lost fair and square, so we’re sending the sausages,” Mayor Rybak said. “Next year, the Vikings will win it all — but until then, sadly, the cheese stands alone.”

FEED. ME. MORE! FEED. ME. MORE!

Mayor Rybak has sent Mayor Schmitt house-made sausages from Minneapolis restaurant Butcher and the Boar, recently named Restaurant of the Year by the Star Tribune. Mayor Schmitt had wagered Green Bay cheese, root beer and candy.

I know he’s gotta be true to his school and everything, but even the mayor of Minneapolis should’ve taken the Pack. Minnesota might hate him, but at least he’d have his sausage. Also, I hope next season begins with The Shield breaking into Minneapolis City Hall-Hennepin County Courthouse and beating him up. And taking his remaining food.

[via news release]

Nothing says Labor Day quite like spending four hours to make one hamburger, but that’s what the staff at the Black Bear Casino Resort chose to do in breaking the world record for the largest bacon cheeseburger. The burger weighed in at 2,014 pounds and was 10 feet across, which was all more than enough to take down the previous record at 881 pounds.

“Haha, that’s awesome,” said all of the world’s starving children.

Guinness Records representative Philip Robertson verified the record for biggest burger. He called the feat a result of “remarkable teamwork” and said the burger “actually tastes really good.”

Black Bear’s burger included 60 pounds (27 kilograms) of bacon, 50 pounds (23 kilograms) of lettuce, 50 pounds (23 kilograms) of sliced onions, 40 pounds (18 kilograms) of pickles and 40 pounds (18 kilograms) of cheese. (Via Fox News)

I tried to follow up with Robertson to ask if he was being genuine about the burger actually tasting good, but his assistant said that he was currently having a 16-foot tapeworm removed from his B-hole.

In all seriousness, I’m typically fascinated by world records, because they’re just so over-the-top and ridiculous most of the time, but I think attempts like this need to go the way of the dinosaur. I don’t really care that a 2-ton cheeseburger is excessive and offensive to so many people in our own country let alone the rest of the world, because U-S-A! and all that jazz. But there’s nothing creative about it anymore. Give me something that will really blow me away, like a land speed record for a double-decker toilet or the longest recorded flight by a pug dressed as Charles Lindbergh. This country needs innovation now more than ever.

For a minute, I actually considered calling this the most offensive moment in the history of food, but then I remembered this…

Read the rest of this entry »

Haha, 69.

Ah, journalism. People say it’s a dying industry, corrupted by political influence and ruined by sensationalism, but it’s still alive and well in places like Minneapolis. WCCO, the Minneapolis CBS affiliate, recently sent photojournalist Joe Mears to the Goodhue County Fair in Zumbrota, Minnesota – the Paris of Goodhue County, I’m told.

But Mears didn’t attend this long-running celebration of northern America’s finest foods and livestock just for poops and giggles. He attended it because for the first time in the 816 years* that this festival has been hosted, people competed in a lawnmower demolition derby, or as I will now and forever call it, America’s pastime.

You can watch Mears’ report here, and after the jump, I’ve included a few videos of random lawnmower demolition derbies, because this really should be an Olympic sport. My only complaint is that they’re not actually mowing lawns. Alas, this is America’s ultimate problem. We have ideas and vision, but we lack the wherewithal to promote our ideas to better serve humanity. Don’t worry, we’ll get there.

Read the rest of this entry »

Move over, Perd Hapley, there’s a new hilarious anchor in town. Minneapolis and St. Paul NBC affiliate KARE 11 sent anchor Eric Perkins to London for the 2012 Summer Olympics, and sure, he did his job by talking to boring, old athletes like Kevin Love and some other people who aren’t funny, but thankfully Perkins took matters of hilariousness into his own hands when he hit Bridge Street in front of the iconic Big Ben clock tower and… get ready to piss yourself… he asked people what time it was!

Oh my God, you need to watch the video right now, because it is the most incredible definition of LOLs and LMAOs you will ever see. Unfortunately, KARE 11 and NBC Olympics are all, “Hey, you can’t embed our videos, you scoundrels!” so you’ll have to go to their website to watch it, but when you’re rolling on the floor in a puddle of your own filth as you scream from exhaustive laughter, you’ll thank me. Oh you’ll thank me.

And after the jump I have another one of Perk’s hilarious on-air pranks. I won’t spoil it for you, but it is anything but a snoozer… *stifles laughter, resumes reading Family Circus cartoons*

Read the rest of this entry »

In America’s latest attempt to turn sports into Diddy Kong Racing, here’s the sixth annual “Extreme Race Day”, a Minnesota area event featuring ostrich heats, racing camels, helium-enhanced horse races and more. Please note that we’ve had six of them. We may have finally topped Backflips And Beatdowns, everybody. Congratulations.

The following clips come to us from Awful Announcing, and if you’re wondering why they’d be the ones covering Extreme Race Day, here’s a sample of the hyper-literate banter accompanying a bunch of dudes falling off ostriches:

“These birds are crazy, look out, one might fly in the crowd, start peckin!”

At different points in the video the ostriches are said to have “devilish eyes” and are called “two legged terrorists”, leading me to believe that nobody in Minnesota has ever seen a f**king ostrich and thinks they’re some kind of ancient dragon. They’re ostriches, guys. If you don’t cram them into a starting gate and make someone sit on them they probably won’t try to kill anybody.

Anyway, I’ve kept you away from Extreme Race Day highlights long enough. Check them out below.

Read the rest of this entry »

The new face of parenting.

By way of Prep Rally and numerous local news anchors who seriously cannot believe this shit, a 52-year old Eagan, Minnesota, man was arrested and charged with fifth-degree domestic assault for responding to a a youth basketball tournament loss by grabbing his 13-ish year old son with one arm and repeatedly punching him in the face with the other.

The outburst unfolded in a hallway outside the gym, and FOX 9 News spoke with two witnesses who said they never saw the boy throw a punch.

“It breaks your heart,” said Tara Falteysek, of Eagan. “I can’t imagine how that young boy feels, that dad would do that to him — and in front of friends.”

Witnesses said they were deeply disturbed by what happened, and Lakeville Police chief Tom Vonhof said he’s never seen anything like this in 30 years on the force.

Bat-Dad (I can only assume this guy is a belligerent, Minnesotan Bat-Dad) posted $10,000 bail over the weekend, and if convicted he faces up to 90 days in jail and a $3,000 fine. He also faces the very real danger of living the rest of his life with the kind of brain that makes you think headlocking and punching a middle-schooler in the mouth in front of his friends because his team lost a tournament game with literally zero consequences in regard to the rest of his life is a great idea.

Video of the report is below.

Read the rest of this entry »