Sure, the big baseball news right now is all about how Milwaukee Brewers slugger and 2011 National League MVP Ryan Braun beat the system and had his 50-game suspension overturned yesterday. Everyone was all like, “Hooray, bro! He did it! He proved that MLB players can use banned substances and not get in trouble because the FedEx guy will forget to deliver the urine on time, thus rendering the findings obsolete because of the MLB’s drug-testing policies!” Or something like that. I honestly stopped paying attention to this story the moment it was announced that a Brewers player was suspended, because my natural response was, “LOL, Bud Selig won’t suspend Brewers.”

But my silly, sarcastic conspiracy theories aside, I’m happy that Braun isn’t suspended, because he seems like a good guy. The only way he could seem any cooler would be if he had a sweet mustache like my main man Lance Berkman up there. Berkman showed up to St. Louis Cardinals – the reigning World Series champions – facilities in Jupiter, Florida sporting a new and quite porn-o-rific flavor savor. St. Louis Post-Dispatch reporter Derrick Goold Tweeted that he looks like Sgt. Slaughter, but I think he’s working towards something a little more manly.

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Good news for fans of the Milwaukee Brewers and their whole “we’re a small market team playin’ so hard!” thing — baseball prospectus TMZ Sportz is reporting that slugger Ryan Braun’s positive test for banned substances wasn’t caused by steroids, it was caused by “medication he’s taking for a private medical issue”.

We’re told the reigning National League MVP is adamant he has not taken drugs or steroids of any kind.

One source simply told us … “The medication contained banned substances resulting in the positive test.” We’re also told prior to taking the dirty test, Braun had always tested negative for banned substances.

The nature of Braun’s medical ailment is unclear.

You’ve got to love TMZ’s helpful editorial addition of, “before he tested positive for steroids, he tested negative for steroids”. Thanks, guys. Before O.J. Simpson murdered those people he had never been a murder suspect.

There are a lot of other things to consider while wading through TMZ’s knee-deep bullshit as well, like why the doctor who prescribed the medicine to a pro baseball player wouldn’t know or consider that the steroids medicine he’s prescribing wouldn’t cause someone to test positive for steroids, or why if he did know it he wouldn’t have written Braun an exemption. Furthermore, Major League Baseball’s collevtive bargaining agreement (the same one that says you can have exemptions for situations like this) doesn’t allow you to go back and get exemptions for tests you’ve already failed.

I hope the follow-up to this story is that Braun’s private medical issue was “not hitting enough home runs”.

Because I couldn't not use this image.

As a St. Louis Cardinals fan, I’m generally regarded as more intelligent, sophisticated, and gritty than other baseball fans. That’s why I can brush the dirt off my shoulders when it comes to the national sports media crapping all over the Redbirds over the past month. The Cardinals are heading to their third World Series in 8 years, but you should all know that they don’t deserve it and their pitching stinks.

Quick recap: In late August, the Cardinals were 10.5 games back in the Wild Card race. At one point, they were also 11 games back of the Milwaukee Brewers. But none of that mattered because the Boston Red Sox were in a bizarre tailspin, allowing the Tampa Bay Rays to climb back into contention, and nobody really cared that the Atlanta Braves and Cardinals were in the same boat because screw their middle market butts.

Regardless, we don’t need to recap too much, but you know what happened next and today I am a very happy boy. Too bad my youthful exuberance isn’t shared by the mainstream fellas, as one poopy pants thinks the Cardinals don’t belong on the main stage this week.

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From the criminally under-appreciated 12 Angry Mascots comes the next step in the Brian Wilson-style “turn relief pitchers into hilarious meta characters” thing we tried so desperately to do seven years ago with Cubs/everyone else reliever Kyle Farnsworth.

Watch in abject horror/amazement as downtrodden party-goers are visited by Milwaukee Brewers reliever John Axford, who uses an aerosol can to spray mustaches onto their faces while Bachman Turner Overdrive’s “Takin Care Of Business” plays in the background. It takes a weird turn near the end, but I don’t want to spoil it for you. I think my next major career goal is going to be “be the guy who gets to travel around the country making weird YouTube videos with baseball guys”. What, Jim Thome can dress like Paul Bunyan to sell Twins tickets but he’s too good to remake 5-minutes-to-all of The Searchers with me?

Secondary achievement of this video: now I know who John Axford is.

If you like that, click through and watch my favorite of their videos, because Jesus, more people need to make fun of the f**king Batting Stance Guy.

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With just nine days of regular season baseball remaining, we actually have two very heated wild card races remaining with 6 teams involved. In the American League, the Boston Red Sox have dropped 2 in row to the Tampa Bay Rays and have won just twice in their last 10 games, allowing the New York Yankees to presumably capture the AL East title, while the Rays have snuck up to 2 games back of the Sox for the wild card. Even the Anaheim Angels of Orange County Los Angeles California have taken advantage of the Sox slide and are now 4 games back.

In the National League, barring a New York Mets-esque collapse, the Milwaukee Brewers have the NL Central locked up, but the St. Louis Cardinals have taken advantage of the Atlanta Braves’ struggles and have crept to 3.5 games back in the wild card chase, with San Francisco also 4 games out with an 8-game winning streak. And all of this has been my roundabout way of getting to my favorite quote of this MLB season.

“When I was playing shortstop we were in first place. I know that. It is what it is.”

Can you guess who made this bold claim?

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My good friend Jon Bois of SB Nation is always asking people who the most ____ player ever is. “Who is the most trade deadline player of all time?” My vote was for Orlando Cabrera, because he’s involved in literally every trade thing and people always pretend like getting him is a great idea. “Who is the most Baltimore Orioles player of all time?” (Chris Hoiles) “Who is the most Philadelphia Phillies player of all time?” (Von Hayes) I’d say that “who is the most ___ player of all time” is the most SB Nation question of all time.

That being said, we might have an answer for the question “who is the least Baseball Player player of all time?” Milwaukee Brewers utilityman Craig Counsell is that man (yes, he’s still playing … no, I didn’t realize it either). According to a report from Big League Stew and also baseball stats, the poor man’s B.J. Surhoff holds one unique distinction (being the only player to have been on base for two game-winning hits in Game 7 of the World Series) and is closing in on another — if he doesn’t record a hit in his next at-bat, he’ll tie a record set in 1909 by Brooklyn’s Bill Bergen for most consecutive ABs without a hit by a position player. He’s currently hitless in his last 45 at-bats.

Craig Counsell is some kind of perverse, anti-Moonlight Graham. The guy has been around since 1995 (1995!) with a lifetime .256 average and 41 total home runs. He’s had seven stints on five different teams and his absolute biggest selling point is a sorta high Spatial Aggregate Fielding Evaluation. Yet somehow he’s a two-time World Series Champion (sorry Tony Gwynn, sorry Ted Williams) and an NLCS MVP. I think it’s safe to say Craig Counsell is the most Craig Counsell player of all time.