The YouTube description for this video only gives you the basics:

Minnesota Wilderness and Thunder Bay North Stars square off.

Those team names are adorable. They’re like somebody made an SNES NHL game and couldn’t get the licensing rights to the teams, so they came up with ersatz clubs like the “Thunder Bay North Stars.”

Anyway, what the YouTube description leaves out are the wonderful details … the goalie’s existential reaction, the inevitable goalie fight (goalie fights are always the best) and the fact that midway through, for no possible reason, ‘Party In The USA’ by Miley Cyrus starts playing. Nothing says “SIJHL line brawl” quite the ballad of a girl being judged by her shoes!

If pro hockey wants to eliminate fighting, they should just stock up on Now That’s What I Call Music CDs and blare them whenever punches are thrown. I know I’d never want to start a fight if I knew ‘Tonight (I’m F**kin’ You)’ by Enrique Iglesias was gonna kick in and make me look like a creep.

[h/t to Puck Daddy]

Sports

LOLNFL: Preseason 2011 Week 1 - The reasonable adult approach to professional sports is to wait for the pictures to go up and put a bunch of block letter words over them. It helps you cope with things like “collusion” and “being a Dolphins fan”. I had to make a fake AIM chatroom about baseball before I could handle it again. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

When Football Let Us Down: The Most Depressing NFL Eras Of Our Lives - The wistful counterpoint to LOLNFL, the guys at SB Nation recap their worst experiences as football fans. Mine is still “Sterling Sharpe got hurt, Dan Marino retired and I didn’t have anybody else to like”. [SBN]

Five Ways For Jon Fitch To Get Another Title Shot - Man, I don’t know how people get title shots in legitimate sports. I wanted to add a sixth one but the best I could muster was “attack the champion with a weapon from behind so when he recovers he’ll want revenge”. Does MMA have a Royal Rumble? [Cage Potato]

Steve Spurrier Has His Own Wine - So does Tim Tebow, but they’re totally different. [Dr. Saturday]

With Leather

Miley Cyrus: Bowling Legend - The next morning I’m wishing I’d gone with the headline BOWLING PARTY IN THE USA. Burnsy has started a Tumblr account to make things come out of Miley Cyrus’ vagina, so click this and see where it all began. I’m going to make a Tumblr about things going INTO Miley’s vagina. Wait, E! already does that. |With Leather]

The Dugout: Thome At 600 - Milestone Dugouts are always the hardest to write. When Manny quit and fled the country I couldn’t come up with anything poignant to say. I need more players to get Crohn’s Disease. [The Dugout]

The Best of the First Annual Los Angeles Beard and Mustache Championships - They should give a supplementary award to the “Most Likely To Be A Member Of Kings Of Leon”. [With Leather]

You Can’t Spell F*cked Without The U - Pretty soon we’re going to find out college football is fixed, and all those fumbles were done on purpose. If this scandal can somehow stop Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson from being a thing, I’m all for it. [With Leather]

Not Sports

This Week in Posters: Baby Goose Gets Top Billing - Amanda Seyfried with black hair is one small step toward the perfect woman. Justin Timberlake holding a gun and showing up in every movie is a giant leap backwards. I guess we have to put up with these things until he figures out another way to sing “ooh baby”. [Film Drunk]

Meme Watch: Friend Zone Fiona Is Someone We All Know and Love - Hilarious and spot-on. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been rejected and had to sit through an hour-long explanation as to why I’m such a great and awesome friend. [UPROXX]

Marvel’s Sexy Pajamas Turn Real Women into Fantasies - I will buy these for my girlfriend on two conditions. One, they stop putting dumb phrases on the thigh. Two, they make one for Dazzler. [Gamma Squad]

WZUP: 5 Unforgettable Martin Characters - I went through a phase where I mentioned Martin in every Dugout, and this is a good explanation why. Bruh-Man is still my favorite, and right behind Peter Brady and Chicken Boo on my list of the best TV characters ever. [Smoking Section]

Miley Cyrus has made a sustainable, blockbuster career out of professions that shouldn’t make her famous. She was the daughter of country music’s Rick Astley. She was the star of a Disney Channel show about a girl who wears a wig. She had a custom-built Nicholas Sparks movie set up around her and tours the world as a Latina (?) teenager who booty-pops to auto-tuned Madonna songs with her best friend Biggus Dickus. Now Miley is embarking on a new career, and it makes less sense than ever: she’s been declared a goodwill ambassador to the game of bowling and elected to the Bowling Hall Of Fame.

Via a report from E! Online:

“We knew that with megastars such as Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber in our lineup that this year’s race would be a close one,” said Steve Johnson, executive director of the Bowling Proprietors’ Association of America.

“Fueled by the passion and support of her supporters and bowling fans worldwide, Ms. Cyrus rose to the occasion scoring an incredible comeback victory. We are honored to welcome her into the Hall of Fame and grateful for her support of the great sport of bowling.”

As mentioned, Miley beat out bowling luminaries Justin Bieber, Kim Kardashian, Lady Gaga and one or more Jonas Brothers to take the honor. She also beat Jeff Bridges, who as far as I know is the only person on that list to have done something in his life about bowling. The rationale for nominating these people, besides free press (and the question “can you name a pro bowler”)?

“The roster of candidates includes celebrities who have helped support and popularize bowling, contributing to its status as the nation’s number one participatory sport,” the statement says.

I googled “Miley Cyrus bowling” and literally the only thing I could find besides “Miley Cyrus inducted into Bowling Hall Of Fame” were two pictures of her doing a Hannah Montana press thing at a bowling alley when she was 11. Her head hasn’t started going through puberty yet. Look at her, shelooks like a Monchichi.

Anyway, I guess I’d have to be pretty Sports By Brooks to try and call out the Bowling Proprietors’ Association of America for giving a black eye to the nation’s number one participatory sport, but damn, Drew Carey getting into the WWE Hall of Fame was pretty dumb, but at least he spent a few minutes in the Royal Rumble. This is like the Pawnee chapter of the Indiana Organization of Women giving Ron Swanson “Woman Of The Year”.

I bet there’s some poor, awesome bowler somewhere checking his mailbox every day to see if the BPAA has decided to value him over a bobbleheaded teenager who once held a bowling ball. Sorry, Ralph, not this year.

[h/t to FARK]

College freshman orientation is filled with plenty of embarrassing scenarios for kids embarking on their new journeys into academic adulthood. Hell, if you’ve ever stepped foot in the parents room of an orientation session then you’ve seen enough for a lifetime. For instance, my freshman orientation at the terrible football school I attended featured a session during which we pretended to mingle in a social atmosphere while our “O-Teamers” walked around and put Tic Tacs in our sodas to represent drugging. I still thank them for that valuable lesson.

Over at the University of Georgia, they’re putting on quite the show. Set to the tune of Miley Cyrus’ smash hit “Party in the USA,” the orientation team welcomes incoming Bulldawgs with “Party in the U-G-A” and it’s everything you could have imagined and more. I’ve only really been able to comprehend two things about this video:

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