As we grow more impatient and tiresome of this NBA lockout, I’m going to offer a promise – no more stories about Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian after today. I will not bring up the fact that Kris Jenners, Humphries’ new manager, is trying to make her three daughters all get pregnant at the same time. But I do say “after today” because I can’t not bring up the low-flying tabloid story about Humphries’ in-flight encounter last Sunday.

In a story that has to be complete fiction but somehow apparently isn’t, Humphries was flying from Los Angeles to New Orleans and seated right next to him in first class was none other than Ray J. For those of you lucky enough to have been in a coma for the past 5 years, Ray J is better known as Brandy’s rapping brother and the guy who made a sex tape with Humphries’ new wife.

Awk. Ward.

After minutes of “awkward silence,” Ray J walked up to Humphries’ seat to congratulate him, but Kris acted like he didn’t recognize him. According to a source, “Ray J said, ‘Come on, you know who I am. I just want to say congratulations.’ Then Kris, realizing he was cornered, said, ‘Oh yeah, yeah, I’m sorry I know who you are.’ ” (Via the New York Post)

Ray J also allegedly texted Kim on her wedding day: “And to think you really have me to thank for all this.” Now he has the balls to walk up to Humphries and say, “You know who I am?” How the hell are these guys even on the same flight? There are coincidences and then there are nightmares. I’ve attended an ex-girlfriend’s wedding before. That’s pretty awkward. This doesn’t even have a proper word.

But if it’s being reported that it happened, I want to at least address it in a new feature… We Like to Think It Happened Like This.

Kim Kardashian recently wrapped up her miserable failure World AIDS Day fundraiser by taking time out to update E! Online about her dating life. And she’s back to ruining the value of another professional athlete. This time her victim is New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries. No offense to Kris, as I’m sure he’s a good guy, but Kim has clearly gone from Red Lobster to Long John Silver’s.

Kim told the people who provide news to morons that she’s been enjoying the single life, so this more than likely means that Humphries, who has never averaged more than 24 minutes per game in a season, is just a bench spot speed bump on the highway to HPV supremacy. Kardashian, who is famous because she made a sex tape with a rapper we’d never heard of, also said that she’s done ruining the careers of NFL players. Responded everyone who had Miles Austin in fantasy football this season, “Gee, thanks.”

“No,” she replied when I asked her if she’s hesitant to date another pro at the launch of her Brissmor watch line last night, “But I probably would never date a footballer again!” Apparently hooking up with the likes of Reggie Bush and Miles Austin has ruined the NFL for her! (Via E! Online)

ROFL! It’s funny because she ruined the NFL for them, too. At least Reggie got a Super Bowl victory for his career before her obvious witch spell completed his transformation to completely useless fumbletard. As for Austin, he barely dated the girl and he’s having an entirely forgettable season. Poor Kris. He’s averaging just over 7 points per game as it is. He could end up negative. Although, there are worse things than dating a Kardashian and being declared negative.

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Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Miles Austin had a breakout season last year, and has been getting a taste of the celebrity life by dating the proner (that’s short for “pro boner”) Kim Kardashian. Miles must be whipped by Kimmy or, tired of slumming it with the hussies pictured above, because he’s turned down a six figure contract from Red Bull. Why would he do such a thing? He doesn’t want to work alongside Kim’s former squeeze Reggae Reggie Bush.

The Dallas Cowboys Miles Austin likes following in Reggie Bush’s footsteps..but apparently he won’t follow Reggie on his latest endorsement deal.Miles has turned down a six-figure endorsement deal with Red Bull..According to my source, the reason Miles said no to Red Bull is because Reggie Bush already has a contract with the energy drink company..Kim did not want Miles to walk down that path..I hope Kim is gonna pay him back..how the hell does a dude turn down six figures..truth be told, he would have never gotten the offer if he was dating Kim Kardashian..-TO –Terez Owens

To be fair, Terez’s sources are generally a guy who knows a guy who drank a Red Bull once. But, assuming there’s truth behind the rumor, Miles is making an ardent stand for his independence. Turning down a ton of money because he’s so in love with a “celebrity reality TV star.” You know she’s dated almost everyone who’s tied on cleats, right Miles? So choosing to turn down all that money is going to look like some pretty bad judgment once she leaves you. Or once you leave her, whatever helps you sleep at night. At least you’ll have Jerry Jones to be your sugar daddy once things are done with Kimmy. Read the rest of this entry »

Everything pictured is scaled equally.

They say the mark of a truly great sporting event is the ability to leave people talking about it after it’s over. Game 7 of the 2009-10 NBA Finals was one for the ages – the highest rated Finals game since the Bulls and Jazz in 1998 – and as the Lakers celebrate their victory and the rest of the league prepares for the biggest free agent courtship spending war in NBA history, people are indeed still talking about the Finals. And why? Because, girlfriend, I heard from my stylist who heard from her baby daddy who heard from his niece who heard from the guy at the Redbox that Vanessa Bryant ain’t having none of Khloe Kardashian. OH EM GEE!

Khloe, of course, is famous because her sister Kim had sex with Brandy’s brother, but since nobody knew who either of them were, they made a sex tape and acted shocked and violated when it was released. Somehow that justified giving Khloe a TV show with Kim and their other sister Kewbacca. Khloe, who is married to Lakers paycheck-receiver Lamar Odom, has been having a quiet feud with Kobe Bryant’s wife this season, and now their spat is going public. And don’t blame me because you don’t care about this, blame the women in your life. This is all their fault.

Give me something to read while I get a pedicure, In Touch Weekly:

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From the cult classic indie porn, Dong in Darkhole

Cowboys wide receiver Miles Austin threw himself a birthday party at AMPM in Dallas, which is apparently a night club and not a chain of gas station/convenience stores.  Although a birthday at the local am/pm could be fun, too.

Anyway, Austin spared no expense on furry costumes and girls dressed as Playboy bunnies, proving that he not only listens to the sage words of owner Jerry Jones, but that he also respects the style of the dynastic Cowboys team of the 1990s.  Ladies, to the private jet!  We’ve got skyf-cking to do!

|images via NBC Dallas; see the full gallery there|