Can I borrow the giant Mila cutout when you're done?
Last week, I briefly discussed how ABC should be giving us more Jimmy Kimmel before NBA Finals games than what we’re currently getting. Basically, I want all Kimmel and none of the so-called experts. Give me 100% humor, charm, and celebrities with 0% bargain bin analysis and fart-sniffing pseudo-insight with Mike Wilbon suddenly pretending like he hasn’t spent the last 5 months crapping all over the Miami Heat.
Kimmel proved that he can give us quality comedy wrapped in an NBA theme when he had Roy Hibbert, Jeremy Lin, and the world’s most adorable $3,000 French bulldog on, but last night the talk show host delivered pure gold.
Supporting their new film Ted, Mark Wahlberg and Mila Kunis reminded us that they’re very good looking. More specifically, Kunis once again looked very much like a girl that should meet my mother, especially as she adorably shot granny-style 3-pointers.
I think we all need to take a seat, maybe form a circle and just relax for a few minutes. We get a little bit too crazy about sports sometimes, and we tend to overreact toward athletes and media analysts for their decisions and/or opinions. I mean, take Twitter, for example. Have you seen the horrible verbal venom that is spewed at famous people on that “social media” site on a daily basis? Hell, I’m as guilty as the next guy for making cracks at some athletes, but I’m talking about the violent threats.
It’s really getting out of hand, and it’s been spilling out into our stadiums and arenas now, ruining the idea of fun competition for everyone. What the hell’s the point of going to a game or a bar these days if you constantly have to look over your shoulder and wonder if someone is about to stab you? Sports are supposed to take our minds off the really sh*tty things in life and provide hope and inspiration. Instead, we have people slaughtering each other in the streets.
Everybody calm down and let’s remember why we’re here in the first place… to hope that the other team loses and pray for people to be fired. That’s what sports are all about, dang it.
He asked Domino’s if he could keep the ball, but they said “no”. The best part is either the terrified lady to his left who can’t enjoy what’s happened even after it’s done, or the slow reveal of the guy behind him with his fingers in his ears. (via Yardbarker)
The Best Of #Sterling Archer Kicks Off UPROXX Archer Week -Yuuuuuuuup. [UPROXX]
5 Elseworlds Comics That Should Be Made Into Video Games - Steampunk everything! Or, I want a game where I’m Ma and Pa Kent and I have to drive around avoiding nails. [Gamma Squad]
Quentin Tarantino’s Top 11 Films of 2011 - I’m not sure I want to live in a world where one of our best filmmakers thinks Hugo and Green Lantern are on the same level. I don’t want to hear Kurosawa nudge somebody and say “hey, I liked 12 Angry Men, but I also liked Plan 9“. [Film Drunk]
The Reasons Louis C.K. Will Never Host the Golden Globes Are Exactly Why He Should Host the Golden Globes - I’m not sure how Ricky Gervais settled into his weird role of guy Hollywood hates but approves of, and why The Average White Guy We All Agree On couldn’t just slide right into it. [Warming Glow]
Apple iPad 3 Reportedly Releasing March 2012 - Hello, Apple thing Destiny wants. Goodbye, 700 more dollars. [Smoking Section]
Ever Wondered What It Would Look Like If A Bunch Of Playboy Playmates Tebowed? - In case you missed this yesterday, Burnsy accomplished one of my career goals: getting Holly Madison’s entire side boob on With Leather’s main page. New career goal: get it in my house. [With Leather]
Stephen Colbert Runs First Presidential Campaign Ad, Accuses Mitt Romney Of Being A Serial Killer - It’s an easy joke, but he’s at least as qualified for this as the people actually running, and he’d do something wacky like legalize pot without doing something wacky like racism. [UPROXX]
25 People Who Think MLK Day Is Milk Day - At least they aren’t Virginia, trying to shoehorn in two Confederate guys so we celebrate “Lee Jackson King” day. A girl I went to high school with once asked me, “who’s Lee Jackson King?” True, sad story. [Buzzfeed]
13 Artists Have Extraordinarily Bad Luck - Schleprock had better be on here somewhere. [Popcrush]
The 20 Biggest Second Week Drops in Box Office History* - Low budget horror films are like cinematic dubstep. [Pajiba]
What Is This Awkwardly Smiling Guy Doing with Mila Kunis? - It must be awful to be Mila Kunis right now. Sure, you’re rich and popular and beautiful, but Jesus, every other moment of your life is somebody standing next to you, smiling like this. The horror. [Brobible]
Trolling Election Billboards - Mitt Romney’s slogan should be “FOR I AM MITT ROMNEY, YOU SEE!” It’d be better than whatever TOGETHER FOR AMERICA bullsh*t he’d come up with otherwise. [High Definite]
Your Nostalgia Is Killing You: The 30 Worst TV Theme Songs of All Time - I’m going to start off with two list posts that put me at odds with the people I write with at Uproxx. This isn’t “worst theme songs”, it’s any theme song you can remember, and half of them are awesome. [UPROXX]
The 8 Most Nauseating Disney Channel Shows of All Time - The second list is from Jason, a person I don’t know, who sh*t-talks The Suite Life of Zack and Cody AND, AND Dumbo’s Circus. Talk bad about Dumbo’s Circus again and I will literally kill you. [Warming Glow]
Planned Parenthood: 5 Jay-Z Songs About Becoming a Dad - I hope 99 Problems gets rewritten to suggest that a bitch IS one of his problems. [Smoking Section]
7 Monstrous Cthulhu Tattoos: The Evil Being Awakens Human Skin - People will get anything tattooed on them. I want to get the volcano from the old Dianetics commercial. [Gamma Squad]
The Internet Responds to Hurricane Irene with Typical Class and Grace - Slightly less disrespectful than running around with your middle fingers in the air while a reporter tells you to stay inside. [UPROXX]
Mila Kunis Loves World of Warcraft - No she doesn’t. Don’t buy this. Olivia Munn doesn’t like video games either. Morgan Webb likes video games because she liked them before she was supposed to. [Gamma Squad]
Never Nude for a Good Cause - The most important link on this list. Donate money, if you can. I’m going to donate money as soon as I start getting paid. [Warming Glow]
George Lucas’s Daughter Beats Up a Japanese Chick - Additionally, George Lucas has been beating the sh*t out of the rest of us since like 1995. [Film Drunk]
T.I. Reportedly to Be Released from Prison on Wednesday - You know it ain’t nothin’ for him to drop a couple stacks on you. Stacks of what, I’m not sure. [Smoking Section]
Matthew Fox Punched a Lady in the Crotch - Suddenly 10 million Chris Brown fans put “Lost” on their Netflix queue. [FARK]
5 Petty Acts That Somehow Violated NCAA Rules - I hope “attempting to demonize deacons” is on here somewhere. Also, “tarring one’s heels”. [The Smoking Jacket]
When Did America Develop Better Taste in Movies Than the Rest of the World? - When we stopped assuming “what people watch a lot” meant “what people like”. I’ve seen two of three Transformers movies in the theater, but they didn’t taste good. [Moviefone]
7 Bizarre Ancient Contraception Techniques - Number eight: Having Brandon’s 7th grade haircut. [Buzzfeed]
The 5 People and Things on Network TV I Miss the Most Right Now - 1. Freaks and Geeks, 2. Paramore music videos, 3. The Bozo Show with the proper Bozo from my childhood, 4. Cookie from the Bozo Show, 5. Cuddly Dudley. [Pajiba]