"Stand up and clap or he will kill you."

New Jersey Nets owner, former Russian presidential candidate, and James Bond villain Mikhail Prokhorov has had a busy offseason as he attempts to bring the New Jersey Brooklyn Nets back to prominence in a city that is aching for NBA relevance. Despite not yet landing their beloved trade target Dwight Howard, the Nets made other big splashes by trading for Joe Johnson’s horrendous contract and re-signing Brook Lopez, Kris Humphries, Gerald Wallace, and, of course, Deron Williams.

But forget that the Nets basically just added Johnson to a 22-44 team – that also went 7-15 after acquiring Wallace last season – because with a new arena opening and new uniforms, this is a promising, exciting time for a team that many have considered the Clippers of New York for years. Prokhorov won’t let numbers or records stand in his way of having a good time and building his team’s buzz, either. He’s excited enough that he’s even promising to take the stage with Jay-Z and rap.

According to Mr. Prokhorov, a reprise is in the works, but this time in downtown Brooklyn, where Jay-Z will open the $1 billion Barclays Center with a series of sold-out concerts this fall. “Yes, I will rap at his concert,” Mr. Prokhorov informed Crain’s via email. “I am in rehearsals now 10 hours a day and plan to demand joint billing.” (Via Crain’s New York, H/T to SLAM)

Obviously people think he’s joking, but I can just imagine him in a top secret laboratory screaming at scientists to rush their development of a microchip that will make him the greatest rapper in the world. He doesn’t need it, though. He’s already proven that he’s rocking wicked MC skills on the mic.

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New Jersey Nets owner Mikhail Prokhorov and Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban are living out their own WWE storyline.

For those of you who don’t follow professional wrestling, here’s how a modern WWE storyline works. Remember when the guys you watched as a kid would punch each other and lay snakes on each other and rip off one another’s crucifixes? Now they just talk. They badmouth each other on Twitter, that turns into them badmouthing each other in person (for several weeks, usually) until the final, underwhelming conclusion that would’ve been great if they’d been guys who actually hated each other, and not just rich folks pretending on the Internet.

On Tuesday, Mikhail said the following awesome underwater-training thing about Cuban, should he try to sign Nets point guard Deron Williams in free agency:

“May the best man win,” Prokhorov quipped. “If he wins, I will crush him with the kickboxing throwdown.”

I had no idea the NBA settled their contract disputes with kickboxing, but it’d go a long way toward explaining why the owners are always getting kicked in the face. Cuban can’t respond with an IF I CAN CHANGE, WE ALL CAN CHANGE speech until the fight’s over, so (because the greatest talking point of a WWE speech is always “I’ve done well in WWE”) he evoked his time as a special guest host for World Wrestling Entertainment as evidence of his ability to resist kickboxing damage by … I don’t know, shoving?

From ESPN:

“He obviously didn’t see me be the first in WWE history to put Sheamus on the mat,” Cuban replied Wednesday night via email, referring to his guest host appearance on “Monday Night Raw” in 2009. “He knows not what he gets himself into.”

As funny as that is, Cuban failed to mention that his WWE appearances always end badly. Proof:

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After about a month of deep coverage of Carmelo Anthony leaving the Denver Nuggets in a trade to New Jersey, Nets owner Mikhail Prokhorov finally folded his hand (probably like one of those Russian dudes playing poker in Bond movies) and said his team would no longer be going after Anthony. Finally, the Nets can stay out of the news for the rest of the season and have no one pay attention to them again.
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Back in September, a pair of Philadelphia lawyers registered the name “Brooklyn New Yorkers” for trademark protection, as well as a series of logos and the slogan “We Come To Play”, according to the fine people at Nets Daily. This news has the NBA world buzzing because this could be the new name and logo for the New Jersey Nets once they move to Brooklyn. It’s certainly an exciting and inspiring rumor for people who own stencil kits and rhinestone guns.

Of course, only those Philly lawyers and the Nets ownership know if this is actually the new name and logo. And maybe Kim Kardashian, because she makes Kris Humphries tell mama all the big news if he wants to keep getting the sugar. Presumably. I swear I don’t think about them having sex. Stop talking, Burnsy.

Airbrush my tall tee, Nets Daily…

There’s no indication in the US Patent and Trademark Office files that the Nets are associated with the lawyers. A spokesperson for the team declined comment Monday when asked by NetsDaily about the trademark applications. A spokesperson for Mikhail Prohorov’s [sic] Onexim Group told NetsDaily recently that the applications are “not ours”. The attorney of record on three of the five applications has not responded to a request for information.

The NBA – where mystery, intrigue and uninspired logos happen. While I’m certainly no trademark and patent lawyer (I’m just an honest neurosurgeon by day and exotic male dancer by night) I think it’s a bit premature to assume this concept would be the step forward that the Nets are looking to take. Then again, maybe Prokhorov is a stereotypical Russian and he is pushing the name because he thinks it’s American. Their mascot could be Billy Joel and the uniforms will be denim. But seriously, that logo looks like it’s from Double Dribble.

Some more evidence for your conspiracy theories after the jump…

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