I haven’t paid much attention to the 2012 Republican debates because I promised myself earlier this year that I would work on becoming a more likable persona and stop talking about politics so much. Also, I’d much rather pretend that I live inside the moon and I’m unaffected by the efforts of any politicians and laws. Smoke peyote in my underwear while watching “Pop-Up Video”? Don’t mind if do!

For those of you that do pay attention to stuff like “elections” and “voting” and “paying taxes,” Funny or Die released a parody of the Republican candidates – in case you weren’t getting enough of the 8 million other parodies – and the highlight is without a doubt Mike Tyson awkwardly delivering the most uninspired Herman Cain impression we’ll ever see. I don’t know, I think the joke is that he’s being terrible on purpose, but I at least laughed at the ending because after all these years Tyson is still such a remarkably odd human being.

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Links

Steve-O Breaks His Nose On Mike Tyson’s Fist - Any time I get confused about why people are so weird and confrontational about vegans, I remember that Steve-O AND Mike Tyson are vegan. Thanks for giving the haters a good reason, guys. [FARK]

David D.’s 25 Favorite Wrestling Matches Of All Time - If I’d known this could be an UPROXX feature I would’ve been doing one a day since I got hired. Totally doing a follow-up to this on Monday, if I can figure out how to get rid of all the Chris Benoit matches. [Smoking Section]

Eight Chapters in the Origin Story of Brad Pitt - Movieball is in theaters today, were you aware? [Moviefone]

The UPROXX Guide To Television’s 20 Most Lethal Show Killers - Summer Glau didn’t kill “Firefly”, Nathan Fillion’s accent did. It’s why I didn’t watch the show until earlier this year. Buffy season 7 was that bad. (p.s. Firefly is f**king great) [UPROXX]

Graphic Designer Dad Gives His Daughter An Ewok Adventure - Mean Girls-style Cool Moms are the worst, but This-style Cool Dads are the best. [Gamma Squad]

ABC to Make Nicholas Sparks Romance Porn - I’m glad they at least waited until Peter Falk was dead to make a sh*tty TV adaptation of Wings Of Desire. Can’t wait for werewolves to show up. [Warming Glow]

Abduction is getting Bucky Larson’d - In a better world, “Bucky Larson” will continue to be a verb describing a unanimous hatred of something. [Film Drunk]

The 10 Definitive Ron Swanson GIFs - I can’t tell you how happy I am that this show is back on TV. And why did Rob Lowe decide to grow his hair like mine? My hair looks terrible. [UPROXX]

18 Products Just As “Offensive” As Schweddy Balls Ice Cream - I haven’t clicked this yet, but I hope “Nut-N-Honey” made the list. [Buzzfeed]

Katie Holmes is the Slutty Pumpkin on ‘How I Met Your Mother’ - Does anything ever actually happen on this show? In my mind it’s just people walking onto bar or living room sets repeatedly while a studio audience laughs. [AOL TV]

Great Cast! Terrible Movie! 10 Awful Movies Despite the Awesome Talent Involved - Slackers, I’m looking in your direction. A movie with Max from Rushmore, Jason Segel, Big Pete from Pete and Pete and a James King/Laura Prepon lesbian kiss and somehow it’s still the biggest piece of sh*t I’ve ever seen. [Pajiba]

Good morning, faithful With Leatherites. I trust we all had a delightful weekend. I didn’t. I went 0-3 in fantasy while watching my college team lose to FIU and my Miami Dolphins continue their quest to Suck for Luck (more on that later). Brandon is still on vacation in the Sudan, where he’s arming rebels with the most dangerous weapon – knowledge. But don’t worry, he has entrusted a special guest with the duty of covering your wrasslin’ action, so expect that. Meanwhile, here be some links.

Disney Ladies + Texts From Last Night = Win |UPROXX|

The Twilight Breaking Dawn Trailer, with Captions |Film Drunk|

Mike Tyson Weighed In On Sarah Palin’s Sex |With Leather|

The Ridiculously Fun Star Wars Art of Franco Brambillo |Gamma Squad|

‘Community’ as a Sexual Thriller |Warming Glow|

Slim The Mobster – “F*ck You” |Smoking Section|

The Internet Responds To Scarlett Johansson’s Nude Photos With Typical
Class And Grace |UPROXX|

Meme Watch: Sheltered College Freshman |UPROXX|

Stop Everything: Jedi Kittens Strike Back |Gamma Squad|

Denver Men Pull Off Real Life ‘Weekend At Bernie’s’ |Film Drunk|

A Star Is Born. |Warming Glow|

Don’t Hate Ronaldo Because He’s Beautiful |With Leather|

And Now, The Saddest 10 Minutes Of Wrestling You’ll Ever See |Smoking Section|

14 Cupcakes Disguised as Other Food |Buzzfeed|

Nicolas Cage Hasn’t Aged a Day in Over 150 Years |FARK|

Grading the ‘Star Wars’ Blu-ray Deleted Scenes|Moviefone|

Nina Dobrev Won The Emmys |AOL
TV|

Fall TV Report Card: Grading the Ads |EW|

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It’s hard to believe that the recent story about the one-time sexual congress between former NBA star Glen Rice and attention-starved former-semi-governor Sarah Palin could get any better than it already is. Thankfully, the guys at Gridlock on KWWN ESPN Radio 1100 thought to ask the sports world’s foremost expert on hardcore interracial sex, Mike Tyson, what he thinks about the greatest love affair of our generation.

“Glen Rice is a wonderful man. He’s a wonderful guy,” Tyson said, “But you want her to be with somebody like [Dennis] Rodman getting up in there. Pushing her guts up in the back of her head!

“Glen Rice is a nice, mellow, docile man, non-threatening black guy — you want someone like Rodman — yeah baby! Imagine Palin with a big old black stallion ripping — yeehaw!”

(Via Larry Brown Sports, where you can hear the full interview)

If you’re not at least smiling right now, well, you’re not human. You want more? Here comes the crazy train.

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The above image is an ESPN illustration from a Page 2 piece called “Charlie Sheen vs. Mike Tyson quote quiz”. Or “What If Mike Tyson Were White?”, I can’t remember.

Sheen once shot Kelly Preston in the arm with a revolver and enjoyed a 20-plus year career despite beating up more than one woman. Mike Tyson liked to drag his wife down the hallway by her hair and was convicted of rape. Now, the hilarious star of The Hangover is set to skewer America’s irrepressible bad boy in “The Roast of Charlie Sheen”! Because this is how the world should work!

From TMZ:

Cocaine … hangovers … and mug shots — Mike Tyson and Charlie Sheen are a match made in Comedy Central Roast heaven … and TMZ has learned Iron Mike is officially on board to skewer the Warlock next month.

Sources heavily involved with the Roast tell us … Mike will be on the dais on September 10 … along with Steve-O from “Jackass” … comic Anthony Jeselnik and Roast legend Jeff Ross.

I guess my first question is, “when did Jeff Ross become a ‘Roast legend’?” Doing something doesn’t really make you a legend at it. Second question, how sad is it when comic Anthony Jeselnik is the second biggest star appearing at your roast? Is it more or less sad than being less of a draw than Steve-O?

I think most people have moved on from our two-week obsession with drug-addled Charlie Sheen, so hopefully “The Comedy Central Roast Of” is just a ruse and they’re setting up a two-hour intervention where they berate him for being one of our nation’s most legitimate creeps. Best case scenario, Jeff Ross shows up with a stack of index cards with nothing but Chuck Norris jokes on them and uses them indiscriminately for the next five Comedy Central Roasts.

LaToya is the one on the right... I think.

LaToya Jackson needs more money again is making the rounds to promote her new autobiography, “Starting Over”, which chronicles her abusive marriage to Jack Gordon, who passed away in 2005. Jackson appeared on the lazily-named CBS show, The Talk, earlier this week to disclose some of the terrible stories that she tells in her book, and we would have talked about this a few days ago if anyone on Earth watched The Talk.

Jackson makes the standard, non-shocking claims about being attacked by her husband multiple times, but she also wanders along the path of *cough*bullsh-t*cough* by accusing her dead ex-husband of forcing her to pose for Playboy. Twice. She also says that he forced her to claim she did it on her own because she was afraid of the consequences. But the real juicy nugget of interest is this claim:

Jackson, 55, said her ex-husband, Jack Gordon, once offered former boxing champ Mike Tyson the chance to sleep with her — for a hefty price.

Gordon, who passed away in 2005, allegedly told Tyson that sleeping with Jackson would cost him $100,000.

Jackson, the older sister of late pop icon Michael Jackson, also claimed her manager ex forced her to take part in group sex against her will.

“I was in brothels and everything,” she said. (Via NY Daily News)

Jackson and Gordon married in 1989 and of course she now also claims that he forced her into marriage and to cut off her family. It makes sense, because if Gordon was so desperate to cash in on Jackson’s fame, he’d tell her to quit talking to that loser brother of hers and focus on the big picture – Step 1: Ditch family; Step 2: ???; Step 3: PROFIT!