You know it’s going to be a great post when I start out with a dick joke in the headline! That’s the only way I’ll get you to read something about how poorly the Big Ten’s done in bowl games. What’s that? You love Big Ten ineptitude? Well, I guess we all found something we can agree on.

The Big Ten conference had an auspicious start in the postseason, with Iowa taking down No. 12 Missouri and Illinois killing Baylor. Big Ten fans got excited. “If this is an indicator of our bowl success for the future,” they said, “then I’m so pumped up!” (Disclaimer: they may or may not have said this.)

Then, it was January 1, 2011, and reality set in simultaneously while their metaphorical shit got ruined.
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I wish I was more familiar with Michigan State’s rivalry with Michigan. I guess that Paul Bunyan Trophy’s okay; it’s a good thing Bunyan doesn’t really exist or he could sue the Big Ten for billions after all of those damned trophy games. But Sparty does one better here with this video: a solid effort chronicling Michigan State’s dominance over the Wolverines over the last three years. Also dominating Michigan: everbody. Seriously, Michigan sucks. But hey, cool shoelaces. Read the rest of this entry »

A Detroit man has postponed his pacemaker surgery, originally scheduled for today, until next week because he wants to be able to watch the Michigan/Michigan State game this weekend. Major Hester, a 69-year old man suffering from a weak heart muscle, said that he’s willing to suffer the ultimate consequence of delaying life-or-death heart surgery just so he can watch the No. 17 Spartans and No. 18 Wolverines try to recapture the glory that once was Michigan football. Basically, dude’s either super nuts or totally metal.

Gee, ESPN, I hope he has an awesome quote to go along with his football ambition:

“You never know,” Hester told The Detroit News. “It’s like going into combat. You may come home alive or you may come home dead.”

Hester suffers from cardiomyopathy, a condition where the heart muscle is weakened. He says he’s willing to take the risk of putting off the surgery.

“Whatever happens, I want to see the game,” he said.

That’s a lot of pressure for the players to put on one hell of a game when people are willing to die to watch a solid rivalry. Not to be outdone, MSU coach Mark Dantonio plans to coach this game, only a few days removed from spending time in the hospital for a mild heart attack, followed by the discovery of a blood clot in his leg. Meanwhile, I got a paper cut while watching the UCF-UAB game last night and I almost needed a Band-Aid. See? We all make sacrifices for our teams.

Mark Dantonio’s testicular fortitude trumped the speacial teams coaching of Notre Dame’s Brian Kelly on Saturday night, as Dantonio’s call for a fake field goal won the game for the Spartans in OT (never mind that the play should have been flagged down for delay of game, as evidenced by the zeros shown here). Unfortunately, Dantonio’s circulatory system wasn’t able to show the same resolve — about an hour after the game, the Michigan State head coach suffered what is being described as a “minor” heart attack.

[MSU associate athletic director John Lewandowski] got a call at 2:30 a.m. informing him that Dantonio had a heart attack and would be undergoing an angioplasty. Doctors used a small metallic stent to open a blocked blood vessel leading to his heart, a procedure they say is relatively common.

Because everyone in Michigan is fat!

By 3:45 a.m., Lewandowski learned that Dantonio was in the process of having the procedure, and found out after 4 a.m. that Dantonio was out of surgery and resting. A number of his extended family members were in town for the game and had visited him at the hospital. –FreeP.

The procedure went as planned and Dantonio remains in the hospital for observation. This is obviously much more serious than Urban Meyer’s “I’m stepping aside for health reasons-oh-just kidding” maneuver last Christmas.

But still…a minor heart attack? That’s like saying I got a “minor” beejer from Mila Kunis. It still counts, and there’s probably some parallel with plaque there, but I can’t quite finish that joke. I’m too busy looking for something to take care of these “minor” upholstery stains.

At a press conference last night, Michigan State University President Lou Anna K. Simon proudly announced that men’s basketball coach Tom Izzo would be staying with the Spartans, thus putting an end to the latest prevalent saga in the LeBron James Chronicles. Izzo’s decision means that he has turned down Cleveland’s 5-year, $30 million offer and left the team with the best regular season record in the NBA without a coach as the free agency bonanza nears. Somewhere Mike Brown is giggling. Mainly because he’s watching Saved by the Bell in his PJs.

This marks the second time that Cavs owner Dan Gilbert has attempted to land Izzo sans success, and now the attention is turning to former Nets coach Byron Scott, followed by a buffet of retreads and journeyman duds. Gilbert, an apparent graduate of the Glenn Frey Style Academy, says that he respects Izzo’s choice and admires his character, to which Izzo rolled over and kissed him on the cheek and whispered some sweet nothings.

Remain loyal to me, Detroit Free Press:

“Throughout the entire process, Dan Gilbert and the entire Cleveland organization has been nothing but class,” Izzo said in a statement. “His professionalism and caring nature for me, my family and Michigan State have been impressive. I wish him nothing but the best in his quest to win a world championship.”

“Just as I decided to stay home, I hope a 6-8, 270-pound forward in Cleveland decides to stay home,” Izzo added, referring to Cavs free-agent-to-be LeBron James.

Landing Byron Scott may not sound as easy as it seems, though, which is remarkable considering how easy it really sounds. Scott is rumored to be waiting out Phil Jackson’s decision on retirement, despite Jackson’s recent comments to Fanhouse about coaching in LA. However, if Jackson should retire and Scott assumes the Lakers’ coaching gig, then the Cavs would move on to such “prominent” names as Kelvin Sampson and Mike Woodson. Sampson, of course, was famously dismissed from Indiana University after the NCAA issued five major violations against the program, and Woodson was recently fired by Atlanta after the Hawks were swept out of the second round of the playoffs for the second consecutive year.

And if the Cavaliers are rifling through resumes like that… well, it’s only a matter of time:

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When Cincinnati Bearcats head coach Mark Dantonio took the job at Michigan State in 2006, it seemed like a turning of the corner of sorts for the hard-luck program. Gone would be the days of losing to less-talented teams and those snatches of defeat from the jaws of victory that happened only two often. And then they lost to Central Michigan last week. And then they marched into South Bend, hoping to give Notre Dame a run for its money.

It was the second straight week the Spartans gave an opponent a second chance and paid for it.

Michigan State’s Larry Caper slipped through the Irish defense and was all alone in the back of the end zone. Caper got his hands on it, but it was high and he couldn’t pull it down.

[On the next play, Notre Dame linebacker Kyle] McCarthy’s interception at the 4-yard line with 57 seconds sealed Notre Dame’s 33-30 win. via.

Dantonio was unimpressed with his team’s ability to close the deal against a team that they either should have beaten or taken to OT. And he should be, because this is as John L. Smith-esque as it gets. And with the Spartans set up to begin conference play at Wisconsin next week, one has to wonder if they can get it into gear and actually close out a game. It’s the equivalent of being caught with clown porn twice in the span of a week. If you have to lose, just don’t make it so damn ugly.

ASYLUM POLL: Who’s worse in the clutch? Tony Romo or Michigan State?