As I most often point out as to avoid being called a hack – my feelings get hurt easy, y’all – I do not profess to be a sports expert, like ol’ Dick Vitale up there. I’m simply a guy who has a big TV and 12 web browser windows open at all times to follow multiple games until smoke starts to spray out of my ears. And watching all of those games, I develop opinions that I like to share with all of you. I believe that Mufasa or Pumba called it the “Circle of Life.”

So my point is that there are people out there who might be flipping through channels tonight, and they’ll be all like, “Hey, these guys are playing basketball, but I don’t know a thing about them.” Even worse, you could be a dude on a date with a hot girl and she’ll be like, “Why don’t we go back to your place and watch NCAA Tournament basketball and maybe I’ll take my shirt off if you know a lot about the games.” But you’re all like, “Snap, I haven’t watched anything.”

That’s why I created this handy-dandy guide to enjoying the Sweet 16, and to keep with the time-honored tradition of UPROXX live-blogging, I’ll be hanging out tonight to chat and make jokes about things that I notice. I invite you to join me, mainly because it’s fun, but also because I’ll be giving out free shirts at random to people who tell me why I’m wrong.

(Images via the AP and Getty.)

What you need to know about Syracuse: Success seemed improbable for the Orange this season, at least incredibly difficult to achieve, when it was revealed early in the season that assistant coach Bernie Fine was being accused by at least three men of molesting them when they were younger. Fine was ultimately fired after a recorded phone conversation revealed that his wife knew about his, um, preferences and behavior. Also, it was revealed that Fine’s wife had sexual relations with multiple former Syracuse players. In all, the Fines are allegedly some f*cked up people.

But the Orange prevailed, finishing the regular season with a 31-2 record that helped ‘Cuse grab a No. 1 seed in the tourney. And then more poop hit the fan, as the team’s star and big man, Fab Melo, was suspended for the Dance for academic reasons. That’s why a lot of people don’t have the Orange making it past this round.

What you need to know about Wisconsin: Finishing the regular season with a 24-9 record, the Badgers were the fourth best team in a very strong Big Ten this year. To put it bluntly, Wisconsin is not a sexy team. The Badgers are the epitome of a disciplined, fundamentals-driven basketball team, which translates to most fans as BOOOOOOOOOORING.

The Badgers also aren’t nearly as athletic as the Orange, but that doesn’t mean they’re doomed. They run some solid shooters who can pick apart a zone defense… if they’re on.

Players to watch: For Syracuse, Scoop Jardine and Dion Waiters need to bring their A-game to dominate early and often. As for the Badgers, Jordan Taylor is the obvious choice, because the offensive star. But Ryan Evans needs to carry some of the burden, too. *sets down sports cliché guidebook*

Who should win: Wisconsin. With everything that Syracuse has been through, you’d think that they’ll finally run out of gas, and this feels like the perfect game for it to happen.

Who will win: Syracuse. Have you watched them play? Even without Melo, they’re more athletic than 99% of the teams out there.

What you need to know about Michigan State: As stated, the Big Ten is walking with a big bulge in this year’s tournament, with four teams still alive in the Sweet 16. At the top of that small but powerful pile are the Spartans, who finished the regular season with a 27-7 record to grab their No. 1 seed in the Tournament.

Through all of the hours and hours of game film and breakdowns that I’ve watched (read: highlights on bar TVs), Michigan State just seems like the most unstoppable team remaining. I mean, it’s college, so obviously any team can lose. But MSU seems like the team most likely to not screw it all up.

What you need to know about Louisville: In the Big Dance boner challenge, the Big East is also reigning supreme, as 25% of the remaining teams hail from the conference that is never going to look the same in a year. With a 10-8 conference record, Louisville was on the bottom rung of the Big East elite, but the Cardinals are still a 4 seed. That’s pretty damn impressive.

Players to watch: For Michigan State, it’s always about Draymond Green, who leads the team in scoring, rebounds and assists, and would look outstanding in an Orlando Magic jersey next season. For Louisville, it’s center Georgui Dieng, who has to avoid being pummeled by MSU’s big men down low. He also has a really fun name to say.

Who should win: Michigan State. They’re just that good.

Who will win: Michigan State. But my gut tells me that this could be that left field upset game, and also that Bagel Bites are yummy.

What you need to know about Ohio State: Ohio State flew under my radar this season, as I’ve had casual conversations with my friends who like OSU (but never went there *sticks out tongue*) and they look at me like a koala bear is having sex with my face when I tell them that I don’t know much about the Buckeyes.

Ignorance aside, I’ve done some homework and I’m aware enough to know that Jared Sullinger is pretty darn good. I think the key to this game – and I say this with only partial jest – is the ability to maintain composure and play smart basketball, because even though these teams haven’t played in like 50 years, there’s some sort of rivalry when it comes to declaring the best college hoops team in the state. If there really is a rivalry, Ohio State just needs to play smarter.

What you need to know about Cincinnati: At 26-10 (12-6), Cincinnati was the fifth best team in the Big East this season. I watched a lot of Bearcats basketball this season – for reasons we’ll get to in a moment – and I became a fan when Cinci rattled off wins over Marquette, Villanova, Georgetown and Syracuse, before losing to Louisville in the Big East Championship Game. Even before those wins, the Bearcats lost to USF by 1, a game which ended a three-game winning streak.

Cinci is a team with huge potential, and the Bearcats can definitely do some damage against Ohio State. But they’re very frustrating at times, between raw talent and sloppy mental mistakes.

Players to watch: For Ohio State, it’s always Sullinger, but if Deshaun Thomas steps up, the Buckeyes will be golden. For Cincinnati, I love watching Yancy Gates. He’s just a monster.

Who should win: Ohio State. This one is such a huge toss-up, but OSU has some advantages in size match-ups that could play out in its favor.

Who will win: Cincinnati. I’ve enjoyed the Bearcats too much, and I think they’re more explosive. I’m probably wrong, though. (See: Picked Mizzou to win it all.)

What you need to know about Marquette: Things I know about the Golden Eagles off the top of my head – Dwyane Wade played there. I think. Oh well, I’m preaching to dummies here, so I don’t need to be an expert. At 27-7 (14-4), Marquette was second to only Syracuse in the Big East this season. And yet that only earned the Eagles a No. 3 seed. I’m not sure how that works, but then again, I spent the two NCAA Tournament games that I actually covered following Rachel Nichols everywhere. (Not because I think she’s hot, but because I was trying to get on TV. I was a very responsible journalist.)

Where was I? Ah yes, Marquette. I won’t go as far as to call Marquette inconsistent, because you can’t really be inconsistent when you’re the second best team in your conference, but they just don’t have the zazz and sparkle and zip zow zing of a powerhouse. Again, this isn’t a scientific breakdown.

What you need to know about Florida: The Orlando Magic of the NCAA, the Gators have a tendency to live and die by the 3-pointer. If they can make them – and they made plenty this year – they’re going to make Marquette look foolish. But if they don’t, it’s going to be ugly.

Players to watch: For Marquette, Darius Johnson-Odom and Jae Crowder are a twin nightmare, averaging more than 36 points a game together. For Florida, it’s Kenny Boynton, but Erik Murphy is going to need to be imposing with some size to shut Crowder down.

Who should win: Marquette. The Eagles are just better.

Who will win: Florida. Call me bold, but having my bracket slaughtered early just has me loving the upsets.

This gallery may not appeal to the more Hot-Cheerleaders-In-Slow-Motion-inclined members of the With Leather readership, but don’t be afraid to enjoy it, because at some point during the 1970s the Walt Disney Corporation teamed up with Wonder Bread to give away pennant stickers with loaves of bread that are literally nothing but Disney characters destroying college names with puns. Yes, that’s a sentence I’ve written.

As I see it, there are two fine ways to enjoy this:

1. Flipping through and trying to figure out which school each pennant represents, because some of them are a stretch.
2. Losing control of your neck and bashing your head against the desk in a full-body groan when you realize “Mickey Can Skate” is Michigan State, or whatever.

A third way to enjoy it is through the absurdity of the illustrations, like Cinderella doing 2,000 pounds of laundry in her ball gown or Goofy with a broken leg because you can only make so many puns about Tulane. And yes, ACC fans, here is where you learn about how Disney preappropriated your “dook” joke for Duke and made it about fowl royalty a decade or so before you were born. I kept expecting to see a Virginia Tech pennant where Shan Yu from Mulan is holding up a castrated turkey.

Note: Full credit for these goes to Disney, I guess, but credit for putting them on the Internet goes to Jason Liebig.

[h/t Disney Food Blog]

I’m a sucker for anything that combines sports with appreciating the men and women of our Armed Forces. There aren’t enough videos of soldiers showing up at ballgames to surprise their families, and I was even pulling against my own alma mater against Southern Miss on Saturday night because there were soldiers attending the game to cheer on the Golden Eagles before they were deployed yesterday. And I know that I certainly can’t pay tribute to or even understand our soldiers the same way that Ufford can – hell, I can’t even write it as well as Justin Timberlake. So I’ll just reiterate that I love it when we can use sports to honor our troops.

That said, the 2011 Quicken Loans Carrier Classic was absolutely amazing. Just the idea of playing a basketball game on an aircraft carrier is incredible enough, and God knows we could have just sent a couple mid-majors to play on the deck of the USS Carl Vinson, but we sent the No. 1 team in the country, the UNC Tar Heels, and Michigan State to put on a show for our service men and women. UNC, of course, defeated the Spartans 67-55 and the action was less than thrilling. But the No. 1 team and another perennial contender agreeing to play outdoors in the middle of the ocean is simply awesome.

As if the game wasn’t enough, President Barack Obama and the First Lady attended and addressed the troops, and Magic Johnson and James Worthy represented their college teams and took pictures as well. For some reason Pamela Anderson was there, and I assume it’s because she was just floating by. Most importantly, Brooklyn Decker was there. Although, to properly honor our troops, Kate Upton and Marissa Miller should have also been there. But I’d say that this was just good enough.

(Images via the AP and Getty.)

That neither the AP nor Getty had pictures of Brooklyn Decker’s halftime HORSE game should be a crime.

The Michigan State Spartans and head coach Tom Izzo have hit a really crappy streak lately, going from 12-5 to 13-10 in six games. Yes, three of those losses were to ranked teams (#22 Illinois, #13 Purdue, #18 Wisconsin), but one of them was also to a 72-52 loss against Iowa, a 10-13 team. That’s not what you really expect from a team who just a season ago made it to the Final Four. Yes, there’s some kind of dropoff after players decide to go to the NBA Draft, but there should be some kind of foundation so you don’t go from really good to really sh-tty in just one season.

Izzo is getting yelled at from fans and the Spartans are basically unwatchable right now. Hey, what’s that?! Up in the sky! It’s Dan Gilbert with his amazing angry yelling powers! Look what he did to motivate the Cleveland Cavaliers after they lost LeBron! Actually, don’t look. You might throw up due to how ugly it is now.

Michigan State coach Tom Izzo says Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert has sent him an encouraging text message.

Izzo says the note from Gilbert on Monday read “hang in there.” -AP.

Where the hell is the connection between these two guys, you might ask? Well, if you remember, one of the tactics Gilbert used to try and keep LeBron in Cleveland was letting him help choose a new coach if he wanted one. Izzo was rumored to be one of the possible replacements for Mike Brown after he was fired. If the Spartans keep sucking terribly, and a job opens up in Cleveland since Byron Scott seems to be doing absolute dick (to be fair, the talent on his team includes Christian Eyenga), Gilbert could get Izzo to his team. Then, they could both suck together!

If all Gilbert’s text consisted of was “hang in there,” I feel that he didn’t put a lot of effort into it when contacting Izzo. For all we know, Gilbert could have had this poster in his office and figured out what he wanted to say to Izzo after looking at it. I bet that cat never coached a pain-in-the-ass college basketball team, though.

Michigan State’s basketball team has already lost seven games (including one to Penn State… who lost to Maine) and have dropped out of the Top 25. The last thing they need is trouble within the team, which is exactly what they got when coach Tom Izzo suspended Korie Lucious for the rest of the season. This isn’t completely out of the blue, however, as Lucious has already been given a second chance after a DUI last August.

“Man did I really mess up this time…off 2 the gym I go!,” Lucious posted on his Twitter account shortly before the school announced his suspension late Tuesday night.

“Unfortunately, Korie Lucious displayed conduct detrimental to the program,” Izzo said in a statement issued by the school. “My focus is on this team for the remainder of the season.”-ESPN.

If we’ve learned anything about athletes, it’s that going to Twitter after having problems with your team is always the best decision. Nothing ever goes wrong when that happens, and no one ever “hacks” their accounts.

“Conduct detrimental to the program” could really be anything. Later in the article, it says that the police have “no active cases” of any kind filed against Lucious, so it must be something that happened in school. We can start taking bets here if you’d like. I’ve got 1000:1 odds that it was a food fight, and I wouldn’t even be mad if I lost, because food fights in college haven’t happened in so long.

Photo via.

You know it’s going to be a great post when I start out with a dick joke in the headline! That’s the only way I’ll get you to read something about how poorly the Big Ten’s done in bowl games. What’s that? You love Big Ten ineptitude? Well, I guess we all found something we can agree on.

The Big Ten conference had an auspicious start in the postseason, with Iowa taking down No. 12 Missouri and Illinois killing Baylor. Big Ten fans got excited. “If this is an indicator of our bowl success for the future,” they said, “then I’m so pumped up!” (Disclaimer: they may or may not have said this.)

Then, it was January 1, 2011, and reality set in simultaneously while their metaphorical shit got ruined.

To start off, Northwestern lost to Texas Tech in a 45-38 game that could be best described as “HAVE YOU HAD ENOUGH POINTS YET? HERE, HAVE SOME MORE!!!” Sadly, it was probably the best showing of Big Ten offense of the day.

In the Outback Bowl, Florida beat Penn State 37-24 in Urban Meyer’s “last” game as head coach, while Joe Paterno said, “Whatta pussy. Huh? Who we talkin’ ’bout again?”

Michigan got absolutely pooped on by No. 21 Mississippi State, losing 52-14 in a Gator Bowl that was only something you watched if you had to, or hated Michigan. There were still bragging rights despite the loss for a Wolverine fan, however; they scored double the points of their rival Spartans (more on that in second).

The Rose Bowl was the most entertaining game of the day (at least, for me), and No. 5 Wisconsin came just shy of beating No. 3 TCU, losing 21-19 after failing to convert for two points. During most of the game, though, I was too busy trying to figure out which Pokemon the TCU mascot looked like. (I think it’s Nidoran.)

Finally, in a 52-7 result, No. 9 Michigan State got destroyed by No. 16 Alabama in the Capital One Bowl, prompting a video that summed up the Big Ten massacre appropriately.

It was a New Year’s Day to forget for Big Ten fans. Their only last remaining hope is the Sugar Bowl, featuring No. 6 Ohio State against No. 8 Arkansas. It’s a good thing those Buckeye players aren’t suspended for this bowl game, or this would be an SEC blowout that no one would watch! And no one (NCAA) wants that, do they?

I wish I was more familiar with Michigan State’s rivalry with Michigan. I guess that Paul Bunyan Trophy’s okay; it’s a good thing Bunyan doesn’t really exist or he could sue the Big Ten for billions after all of those damned trophy games. But Sparty does one better here with this video: a solid effort chronicling Michigan State’s dominance over the Wolverines over the last three years. Also dominating Michigan: everbody. Seriously, Michigan sucks. But hey, cool shoelaces.

via FARK.

A Detroit man has postponed his pacemaker surgery, originally scheduled for today, until next week because he wants to be able to watch the Michigan/Michigan State game this weekend. Major Hester, a 69-year old man suffering from a weak heart muscle, said that he’s willing to suffer the ultimate consequence of delaying life-or-death heart surgery just so he can watch the No. 17 Spartans and No. 18 Wolverines try to recapture the glory that once was Michigan football. Basically, dude’s either super nuts or totally metal.

Gee, ESPN, I hope he has an awesome quote to go along with his football ambition:

“You never know,” Hester told The Detroit News. “It’s like going into combat. You may come home alive or you may come home dead.”

Hester suffers from cardiomyopathy, a condition where the heart muscle is weakened. He says he’s willing to take the risk of putting off the surgery.

“Whatever happens, I want to see the game,” he said.

That’s a lot of pressure for the players to put on one hell of a game when people are willing to die to watch a solid rivalry. Not to be outdone, MSU coach Mark Dantonio plans to coach this game, only a few days removed from spending time in the hospital for a mild heart attack, followed by the discovery of a blood clot in his leg. Meanwhile, I got a paper cut while watching the UCF-UAB game last night and I almost needed a Band-Aid. See? We all make sacrifices for our teams.

Mark Dantonio’s testicular fortitude trumped the speacial teams coaching of Notre Dame’s Brian Kelly on Saturday night, as Dantonio’s call for a fake field goal won the game for the Spartans in OT (never mind that the play should have been flagged down for delay of game, as evidenced by the zeros shown here). Unfortunately, Dantonio’s circulatory system wasn’t able to show the same resolve — about an hour after the game, the Michigan State head coach suffered what is being described as a “minor” heart attack.

[MSU associate athletic director John Lewandowski] got a call at 2:30 a.m. informing him that Dantonio had a heart attack and would be undergoing an angioplasty. Doctors used a small metallic stent to open a blocked blood vessel leading to his heart, a procedure they say is relatively common.

Because everyone in Michigan is fat!

By 3:45 a.m., Lewandowski learned that Dantonio was in the process of having the procedure, and found out after 4 a.m. that Dantonio was out of surgery and resting. A number of his extended family members were in town for the game and had visited him at the hospital. –FreeP.

The procedure went as planned and Dantonio remains in the hospital for observation. This is obviously much more serious than Urban Meyer’s “I’m stepping aside for health reasons-oh-just kidding” maneuver last Christmas.

But still…a minor heart attack? That’s like saying I got a “minor” beejer from Mila Kunis. It still counts, and there’s probably some parallel with plaque there, but I can’t quite finish that joke. I’m too busy looking for something to take care of these “minor” upholstery stains.

This marks the second time that Cavs owner Dan Gilbert has attempted to land Izzo sans success, and now the attention is turning to former Nets coach Byron Scott, followed by a buffet of retreads and journeyman duds. Gilbert, an apparent graduate of the Glenn Frey Style Academy, says that he respects Izzo’s choice and admires his character, to which Izzo rolled over and kissed him on the cheek and whispered some sweet nothings.

Remain loyal to me, Detroit Free Press:

“Throughout the entire process, Dan Gilbert and the entire Cleveland organization has been nothing but class,” Izzo said in a statement. “His professionalism and caring nature for me, my family and Michigan State have been impressive. I wish him nothing but the best in his quest to win a world championship.”

“Just as I decided to stay home, I hope a 6-8, 270-pound forward in Cleveland decides to stay home,” Izzo added, referring to Cavs free-agent-to-be LeBron James.

Landing Byron Scott may not sound as easy as it seems, though, which is remarkable considering how easy it really sounds. Scott is rumored to be waiting out Phil Jackson’s decision on retirement, despite Jackson’s recent comments to Fanhouse about coaching in LA. However, if Jackson should retire and Scott assumes the Lakers’ coaching gig, then the Cavs would move on to such “prominent” names as Kelvin Sampson and Mike Woodson. Sampson, of course, was famously dismissed from Indiana University after the NCAA issued five major violations against the program, and Woodson was recently fired by Atlanta after the Hawks were swept out of the second round of the playoffs for the second consecutive year.

And if the Cavaliers are rifling through resumes like that… well, it’s only a matter of time: