Patrick Willis obviously listens to Kenny F*cking Powers.

Kenny Powers isn’t perfect. I know, I spit out my Mountain Dew and bourbon when I wrote that, too. But it’s true. He’s a man who has made mistakes after tasting legend status, and he’s paid the greatest price for his arrogance in taking his God-given talent for granted. America, though, is about second chances and stories of redemption. That’s why when some people see Kenny as a man who hates foreigners, the truth is that he just loves American and feels “that America is the best country and the other countries aren’t as good.” Patriotism, indeed.

As Kenny continues his baseball renaissance and his climb back to the top, where he will wear the Scream mask all he wants, he has been given the unbelievable honor of becoming the first ever Mother F*cking CEO of K-Swiss. And his appointment is already changing the lives of thousands of professional athletes and millions of aspiring athletes. For once, thanks to Kenny Powers, his incredible motivational speaking ability and his opus, K-Swiss Blades – you’re f*cking in.

Read the rest of this entry »

So a team of women’s golf all-stars are in DC to visit the White House and also to, hopefully, get a a geography lesson. Here’s an image pulled from the Twitpic account of the LPGA’s Natalie Gulbis, who, in her Tweet, couldn’t tell the difference between the Washington Monument (pictured) and the Lincoln Memorial. Here’s a hint: the Lincoln Memorial looks like Lincoln. And five points to Enrico_Palazzo_, who already took Natalie to task, right before slapping her on the ass and sending her to the fridge for another beer. Pig. Via KOGOD. Also.

Pro golfer and former jailbait Michelle Wie finally won her first LPGA event yesterday. Wie finished at 13 under par in the Lorena Ochoa Invitational in Guadalajara, Mexico yesterday. Wow, what a relief. Now she can follow through with her continuing threats to jump to NASCAR. Wait a second; I’m thinking of somebody else.

She held firm [on Sunday's back nine] with five straight pars, however, before sealing the victory in style on the last, a 30-yard bunker shot landing a foot from the hole for a tap-in birdie.

“I was just focusing on just not hitting anyone in the crowd,” said Wie when asked about the winning shot. –The Telegraph (UK)

That must be why I’m so terrible in golf–I never have any crowd to avoid. Golf really is a pointless game. It’s like NASCAR, but totally different. Instead of driving in a smaller circle 200 times, you just do one big lap in golf. It’s like Lord of the Rings but without all the boring nerdy stuff. Plus, in golf, you can pee in the woods. How do you put a price on that?

Michelle Wie is actually playing golf in a tournament–and leading. She’s tied for first in the SBS Open at Turtle Bay, opening the LPGA season in her home state of Hawai’i. She’s currently one under par through five after shooting a 66 yesterday. She’s getting a lot of support from golf enthusiasts and 40-year-old businessmen everywhere, like Roy S. Johnson (the S stands for “Yellow Fever”).

She deserves to win. It wasn’t fully her fault that she was thrust into the “next Tiger Woods” vortex way too prematurely. Nor that her money-grubbing team seemed to make every wrong decision for her game and growth while making every “right” decision for her bank account.

Through it all, Wie kept swinging that big, bold swing that is her hallmark. A swing so big her team thought pitting her against men was a bright idea. (See previous paragraph, last sentence.)

The LPGA needs a successful Wie more now than ever before. With Annika Sorenstam now in retirement and a cadre of hot twentysomething white girls with relatively low star power, Wie could be the headliner that her tour currently doesn’t have. Guys don’t fly to Thailand to get it on with white girls. They go to get robbed blind and oppressingly humiliated. That’s what this brochure says, anyway.

After what seemed like years of meltdowns and unfulfilled expectations, Michelle Wie is finally kind of kicking ass.  Two days into the 90-hole “caldron” of Q school, Wie is tied for the lead at 10-under after a second day in which she shot a bogey-free 7-under 65.

By the way, I put “caldron” in quotes because that’s what the USA Today article actually calls it (and also because I would use the more correct spelling cauldron).  A bunch of women are walking around beautifully manicured lawns, occasionally hitting tiny balls with clubs while people speak in hushed tones, and that’s somehow a cauldron.  It’s right up there with the pressure cooker of cruise-line shuffleboard and the unforgiving crucible of lying in a hammock.

Anyway, good for Michelle.  I’m glad she’s doing well because I didn’t even know that “Q school” was a qualifying event for the LPGA until she entered it.  Everybody was talking about Q school this, Q school that, but nobody said that the Q was for qualifying.  It’s like, Jesus, this is women’s golf.  Don’t assume I know what you’re talking about.

[Deuce of Davenport]

MLB -The Rays regained a bit of breathing room in the AL East with a 9th inning rally off Jonathan Papelbon. Down 4-3, pinch-hitter Dan Johnson, who arrived from a Triple-A call up 30 minutes before the game started, homered to left to tie it, then two batters later Dioner Navarro doubled in Fernando Perez to give Tampa the lead. The win marks the first road victory by either club in their 14 contests this year…The Mets padded their lead over the Phillies as well thanks to the second straight two homer game from Carlos Delgado. Meanwhile Carlos Beltran reached 100 RBIs for the third consecutive year as New York downed the Nats 10-8…The Twins’ 7-2 win against the Royals, coupled with the Blue Jays’ doubleheader sweep of the White Sox has Minnesota back within a game in the Central…Albert Pujols homered for the third game in a row to help the Cards to a 4-3 win against the Cubs, losers of eight of nine. Uh oh, they’re not gonna do it anymore!…And the Dodgers got five runs in the final two frames to stretch their herculean lead in the NL West to two and a half games.

Golf – Former phenom-to-be Michelle Wie is gonna have to tough it out in Q school. If that doesn’t work out, there’s always the stripper academy, though the head mistress there is a bit of a bear.

NFL – Shawne Merriman was on less borrowed time then we all thought. A week after trying to make a go of playing with a torn ligament, he’s having season-ending surgery to repair it. And Chris Simms signed with the Tennessee Titans, leaving them with the best shirtless QB corps in the NFL (They’ll have to work on Kerry Collins).