Just kidding.

Schadenfreude isn’t a good look for a sports blog, so I’ll simply share the information that Michael Vick suffered a broken right hand in the Philadelphia Eagles’ loss to the New York Giants and, according to a report from NBC Philadelphia, he may be out of action for three-to-four weeks. To finish that sentence, I will add “loooooooool”.

So far, 2011 hasn’t been great for the Eagles — the 29-16 loss to the Giants drops the Dream Team to 1-2, and in the last two weeks Vick has been concussed and had his hand broken. After saying he wasn’t going to call out officials for protecting other quarterbacks and letting him get injured, Vick called out officials for protecting other quarterbacks and letting him get injured. You can read the transcript of his comments here, and I have to warn you, they are extremely diplomatic.

“It really doesn’t matter where it was at. I was trying to protect myself. Still didn’t get a flag and that’s pretty much been the story for the last three weeks. I mean obviously at some point something catastrophic is going to happen and I broke my hand. Not to blame the refs or say that it was their fault. It’s just one of those unfortunate situations and I just think more precautions should be taken when I’m inside the pocket. I mean if you look at all the replays, I’m on the ground every time and it’s unfortunate for myself and it’s unfortunate for my team and I’ll be lying if I said I wasn’t, if I were to sit here and say I wasn’t frustrated right now because of that.”

“Why aren’t the refs protecting him?”, you might ask.

“Why? I mean, you all see it. There’s no reason for me to go into a big dissertation about why I’m not getting the calls. The refs, they have to do their job as well. I even mentioned it in training camp to the refs when we had our little meeting, so just for precaution. But hey, I don’t know.”

I’m the last guy on a sports blog to pretend I’m typing jokes with any objectivity or act like I’m not judging people with blinders on, so in the interest of representing both pro- and anti-Eagles sentiment, I wish Vick a speedy recovery and hope the refs aren’t biased enough to make or not make calls based on skin color, preconceptions of ego and attitude or All That Stuff You Did. I even know how Vick should spend the next 3-4 weeks — if he’s injured, why not lock him in a trunk with Peyton Manning and make them fight to the death?

"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Last night, the mainstream sports media salivated for hours over Michael Vick’s return – again – to Atlanta to face his old team, the Falcons. Of course, the whole team is practically different with a brand new franchise QB, but that doesn’t stop people from barfing rhetoric over what Vick meant to the Falcons, how his success with the Philadelphia Eagles affects his former fans, and how some fans still worship him over Matt Ryan. Basically, it’s a very lazy implication that white people love Matty Ice and black people love Vick.

Whatever the case may be, it’s our job to look at what truly matters – the actual football game. Each week, I’ll be breaking down a Game of the Week using my cock sure NFL expertise, scientific theories, and pure, unadulterated fact to recap the action and blow your minds. Now put on your assless pants, because we’re going to get funky with the Falcons’ exciting victory over the Eagles.

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Links

25 Idiots Who Blamed Hurricane Irene on Gay Marriage - The only gay person responsible for a hurricane is Pat Patterson. Hopefully one day we’ll decide that disasters are caused by things that happen, not things we hate. [Buzzfeed]

Supercut: Stephen Colbert Dancing - Something to make you feel better on a Monday morning. Considerably better dancing than hurricane-causing Ellen. [Warming Glow]

31 Movie Teens You Wish You’d Actually Gone to High School With - Lauren Ambrose circa Can’t Hardly Wait. Next. [FARK]

A Compendium of Cool Comics Cosplay - This week’s gallery is especially strong, thanks to appearances from Arcade AND Forbush Man. Cosplay is awesome when you do it right. [Gamma Squad]

Lil Wayne Takes a Shot at Jay-Z - Jay-Z is gonna be mad when he finds out Wayne said he never figured out how to love, thanks to all those crooks who kept trying to steal his heart. [Smoking Section]

6 Reason It’s OK to Like MTV’s Jersey Shore - Reason 1: Snooki did that Oompa Loompa cartwheel back elbow thing at Wrestlemania, and it was better than anyone assumed she could do. Reasons 2-6: unknown. [The Smoking Jacket]

The Venture Bros.’ 9 Most Musical Moments - What’s with everybody who makes good cartoons at Adult Swim deciding they also need to be rock stars? And furthermore, where is the Xavier double album? [Adult Swim]

The Best Fake Fast Food Chains - Does Arby’s count? [UGO]

The 10 Best Musical Performances of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - I honestly believe that Jimmy Fallon as Neil Young is a better musical act than most of the musical acts. Although I really like Neil Young. [Pajiba]

A Virtual Tour of Curb Your Enthusiasm Locations - Not exactly the world of the Na’vi, but still worth a look. Every location is better if you bring along an orchestra to play Wagner. [AOL TV]

Sara Jean Underwood Cosplays at Anime Expo - Seriously, why isn’t Morgan Webb doing things in her underwear anymore? Did she turn 30 and get Logan’s Run’d? I AM TIRED OF COMPLAINING ABOUT THIS. [G4TV]

The Terrific Adventures of White Mike Vick - Possibly our best feature from last week, read Burnsy’s hilarious work while I spend 20 minutes a day filtering out all the hateful comments both for and against. [With Leather]

Yesterday, the above image was published by ESPN for the article, “What if Michael Vick Were White?” which appears in the Sept. 5 issue of ESPN the Magazine, or Highlights for Sports as I like to call it. Of course everyone’s heads exploded like that dude in Scanners over the picture of Michael Vick in whiteface. Some people freaked out because they said the image is offensive. Others freaked out because ESPN is stupid and it’s just a natural reaction to hate something that they did. Even more people attacked the article’s author, Touré, because they thought he came up with the title and picture. Such an angry culture we live in.

Touré insists that he had nothing to do with article’s title, the image, or people with one-word names. I’ve read the article twice and I’m not so much offended by it as I’ve simply shrugged my shoulders and wondered why the hell we’re still talking about this. Touré makes a great point – Vick’s crimes weren’t about race, as much as they were about where he’s from. There are neighborhoods, cities, families, and all-around mindsets in which dog fighting is considered normal. And we already know that, but Touré felt that we had to talk about it again.

I don’t want to talk about Vick’s problems anymore, though. As far as I’m concerned, Vick’s only real problem is his inability to pick up the blitz. I just want to talk about that exceptional white male that ESPN invented for the sake of stirring the pot. White Michael Vick has me seriously intrigued. So I set out to find out more about White Mike Vick the man, and what really makes him tick.

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With the NFL Lockout behind us like an angry Aryan inmate, most of us have begun our annual preparations for our fantasy football drafts. That is, unless you’re in one of those leagues that already drafted because your commissioner is an impatient d*ckhead, who probably has a wife he only married because she was pregnant, so he needs anything he can get to distract him from reality. If that’s your case, then I’m sorry but this won’t help you.

In all honesty, this probably won’t help most people. So what is this then? It’s my own hastily organized fantasy football position rankings, based on biased logic, gut feelings, and many years of fantasy football angst. All this week and next, I’ll be breaking down each position by telling you which players are the best of their class, will give you the best value in later rounds, will cause you to have fits of rage and disgust, and will help you look smart in front of your friends when you draft them. Now, keep in mind – I’m not an expert. I’m not even a guy who knows stuff. I’m just a dude who makes an occasional funny joke and has vague opinions.

But I’ve won a few leagues over the years and let’s face it – we all live for this sh*t. And we want to read every possible ranking and mock draft that we possibly can before we sit down with our notebooks, laptops, magazines and all-around utter hopelessness. For most of us, it’s validation. For the rest of us, it’s just a way to make worthless games fun. Either way, welcome to my first installment of Burnsy’s Bad Advice: Ranking Your Fantasy Football Quarterbacks. And yes, I’ve based my choices entirely on female celebrities. Because why wouldn’t I?

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The Philadelphia Eagles are going to be good. Anyone with a basic understanding of pro football could tell you that. The problem is that the one group of people who shouldn’t be telling you that is the Philadelphia Eagles themselves, and oh man, those guys cannot stop telling you how great they’re going to be.

Newly-arrived back-up quarterback Vince Young was the first to provide the team with the soundbites and complexly-arrogant sentences sports writers like me need to reference late in the season when a team is losing to someone who didn’t say anything. Via Philadelphia Sports Daily:

“Dream Team … From Nnamdi [Asomugha] to [Dominique Rodgers-]Cromartie, to Jason [Babin] to myself … I know they are going to do some more things. … It’s just beautiful to see where we’re trying to go.”

If that wasn’t bad enough, defensive end Jason Babin jumped on Twitter and gave the Eagles the official kiss of death.

I mean, at least the Dream Team won. The Tweet prompted 100+ responses, almost exclusively negative, ranging from the understanding “@JasonBabin93 except eagles will take the championship?” to the ready-for-Onion-Sportsdome “@JasonBabin93 do you mean only looks great on paper & can only play 3 quarters?” All we need now is for Michael Vick to push a sweatband up across the top of his scalp and humblebrag about how the Eagles are going to win not five, not six, not seven championships.

I swear, how hard is it to build a huge boat and NOT tell everyone you know that it’s unsinkable?