Viewer warning: Starting about when Meredith Marakovits says she “tucka loaka round”, this video clip from P.J. Whelihans in Downingtown becomes extremely Pennsylvanian.

Feast at least part of your ears on the continually-distraught “Angry” Greg Ryan, Philadelphia Eagles fan and local celebrity drinker whose impassioned commentary on his favorite downtrodden football team’s performance during their 21-17 loss to the Arizona Cardinals borders on “It’s Still Real To Me, Dammit” and draws the most amazing look of “this f**ken guy” from Meredith. She should win a cable Emmy for her face during this.

Highlights of the video include the impossibly-disgusted way he says “deh Cleveland Browns”, his extended ship allegories and that amazing moment at 2:01 where she asks him if he’ll keep supporting the team and he’s forced, if only for a moment, to reevaluate his entire life. The highlights of the video’s YouTube page are those crazy comments about the FBI has declassified documents about how many Super Bowls Michael Vick would’ve won by now had it not been for George Bush and Dick Cheney.

Also, how creepy is the Comcast team at the end? The “what Meredith doesn’t understand is that there is no next week” comes off sounding less like football talk and more like ominous prognostication. Don’t look at me like that, I don’t root for the Eagles.

[h/t Cosby Sweaters]

"Sometimes a mommy and a daddy just don't love each other anymore, Painty."

With news that Peyton Manning’s neck is simply not healing as expected, it has become clearer than ever that the Indianapolis Colts may be without their legendary franchise quarterback for longer than just this season. We’re talking forever (forever ever). That’s why it’s disheartening to see Colts fans (like the fellas from last week’s banner image) enjoying this whole “Suck for Luck” idea so much. It’s not like Manning suited up for Week 1 and said, “Screw this” and closed a car door on his neck. And it’s not like he’s holding the franchise hostage either.

When Manning originally signed his 4-year extension, it was reported that he was essentially receiving $99 million in guaranteed cash. Of course, that also meant that he had to stay healthy to get that money. You see, that sly hick actually included a clause in his contract that lets the Colts off the hook if he’s unable to play. That’s pretty classy. Not like, you know, crossing Manning’s name out on your replica jersey and writing Luck over it.

But then, that’s the biggest problem I have with this whole thing. Colts fans are allowed to openly cheer for their team to lose because they need to replace Manning. Dolphins fans, though, are jerks and assh*les because they want a shot at their first franchise QB since Dan Marino. Oh well, that all took a step towards moot this week anyway.

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“Hello, YouTube.”

In our continuing effort to share with you the brightest and most athletic moments of the NFL week, here’s a clip of Philadelphia Eagles center Jason Kelce accidentally slam dunking a football into his taint because he forgot where Michael Vick was standing. It’s like watching a chicken birth an egg in high-speed reverse. He just crams it in there and starts running off like a frat pledge with a pickle up his ass.

Vick recovered the ball (possibly because nobody else wanting to touch it), and to his credit it was his heads-up reaction to the mis-snap that helped maintain possession of the ball and keep Philadelphia’s eventual 34-7 victory looking like a blowout.

Also blown out: Jason Kelce’s o-ring.

[h/t Shutdown Corner]

I hear it makes a great chew toy!

Links

Bleacher Creatures: Collect Them All, Put On A Creepy Puppet Show - I’d buy these, but I’m afraid they’ll try to teach me parables about Christianity. Especially the Kurt Warner one. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

The Seven Most Insanely Dangerous Combat Sports Ever Invented - I love the guy in the X-Arm video being all “oh wow a former champion it’s an honor to be working with him” when the work they’re doing is arm wrestling + kicking. [Cage Potato]

These Vintage Mad Men Playboy Covers Are Pretty F-ing Fantastic - Hell’s balls, Trudy! [UPROXX]

‘Playboy Club’ Wins Race to Be First Cancellation of the Season! - Who knew a show about a sex club on network TV wouldn’t do well? Good luck to Amber Heard, who probably already has three failed shows lined up for next year. [Warming Glow]

Star Trek And Star Wars Quiet Books Are Homemade Awesome - These are neat, and legitimately the best thing made with “Star Wars” on it since like 1980. [Gamma Squad]

New York Man Takes Wicker Man Cosplay Too Far - This sounds too much like a plot from ‘The Brady Bunch’. I was hoping this would be about a guy who covered himself with sticks and set himself on fire. [Film Drunk]

Four Loko Folds Under FTC Pressure, Updates Alcohol Content Warning - The new warning reads, “Why are you drinking this? Do you hate yourself?” and possibly “#areyouseriousbro” [Smoking Section]

Chris Christie’s Presidential Announcement (With Fat Cats) - This is the future of news. The next time something like 9/11 happens, we’re gonna have to put up with the rainbow pop tart cat flying around in the background. [Buzzfeed]

Thomas Jane Pretty Much Just Said That As A Struggling Actor He’d Have Sex With Men For Sandwiches Or Something - He’s just trying to get his kids back. [FARK]

9 Television Shows from the ’60s That Haven’t Been Made into Movies… Yet - Speaking of The Brady Bunch, I’m gonna go watch that movie again. “YES, I’M IN THE MIDDLE.” [Moviefone|

The Perfect Halloween Costume for One-Legged Ladies - If you don't like this, you can always be Zach Gowen. [The Daily What]

Mindhole Blowers: 20 Facts About Bridesmaids That Might Make You Sh*t Your Pants - Oh man, these facts! My pants! [Pajiba]

@Jeff_McLane: #Eagles QB Michael Vick will no longer have a Monday radio show on WIP.

Try to put your heart back together, I need to report this news.

During the preseason, when Michael Vick and the Philadelphia Eagles were an unstoppable Dream Team who could be stopped by no designable defense, WIP’s “Chickie and Pete’s Players Lounge” on Monday nights was promoting weekly appearances from the QB and Forgiven Dog Murderer. He showed up after Philly’s Week 1 victory over the St. Louis Rams, but didn’t show up to participate after week 2, when the Eagles lost to the Atlanta Falcons, or in week 3, when they lost to the New York Giants. Week 4 and a 24-23 loss to the San Francisco 49ers came and went, and I guess braggadocious radio shows aren’t fun when you’re 1-3, so Vick is electing to spend Monday nights at home, doing whatever it is he does for fun (now).

Mike Vick Radio was a no-win scenario (okay, a 1-win scenario) from the start. Chris Chase of Shutdown Corner shares his insight:

He should never have agreed to host a show in the first place. What’s the best case scenario there? Since no national attention gets paid to local radio programs unless something goes wrong, the upside was that a handful of people in Philadelphia listen and decide they like Michael Vick more than they thought. The downside is that Vick makes comments that provide fodder for his next 10 press conferences.

My insight is that Chickie and Pete and the radio disc jockeys they sponsor should go full-on Weenie And The Butt with Vick and just play his press conferences with boing sound effects and bicycle horns in the background. Thank goodness they’re broadcasting informally from a Lounge and aren’t in a radio studio, where this announcement would be disastrous for them.

The headline “PSYCHIC UPDATE: He saw Vick injury coming” conjures up images of a Zoltar-esque guy huddled over a crystal ball with SportsCenter playing inside it, or rolling his eyes back in his head as he chants and flips Panini Prestige like tarot cards. I’m not sure why the Delaware County Daily Times has a psychic on call and consults him for football news instead of watching him or going to the games, but Michael Vick badly bruised his non-throwing hand on Sunday in a game against the New York Giants, and this guy predicted it with his PYSCHIC POWERSSSS

The weird thing about the report is that Parkside psychic Robert E. Graham being a psychic has f**king nothing to do with it and he’s just an animal lover who hates Vick and the Eagles and just sorta talks sh*t about them to the newspaper. Uh…

[Graham] previously predicted Vick would suffer an injury somewhere between a kidney and mid-thigh area. Suffice it to say that a hand — depending on how you were holding it at the time — could very well fit in that broad category.

“Let me just say that if it were my hand, I wouldn’t be playing,” Graham said. “I think he is fragile, physically.”

And this line, that lets you in on the secret that Graham is truly paranormal:

“I root for whatever team they are playing against,” he said.

So they just … they just got a comments troll to say what he thinks is going to happen about a team he hates? I don’t like Vick either, but Jesus, I’m not going to say I used a lightning rod and a bag of goddamn pixie dust to figure out that football guys would want to stop and hurt the high-profile quarterback. He goes on to say that Vick’s recurring injuries are a result of “bad karma”, so I guess Philadelphia’s offensive line is now doing the job of the Cosmos.

In other Pennsylvania psychic news, he’s predicting a good offseason for the Phillies, because he likes the Phillies:

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