I hear it makes a great chew toy!

Links

Bleacher Creatures: Collect Them All, Put On A Creepy Puppet Show - I’d buy these, but I’m afraid they’ll try to teach me parables about Christianity. Especially the Kurt Warner one. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

The Seven Most Insanely Dangerous Combat Sports Ever Invented - I love the guy in the X-Arm video being all “oh wow a former champion it’s an honor to be working with him” when the work they’re doing is arm wrestling + kicking. [Cage Potato]

These Vintage Mad Men Playboy Covers Are Pretty F-ing Fantastic - Hell’s balls, Trudy! [UPROXX]

‘Playboy Club’ Wins Race to Be First Cancellation of the Season! - Who knew a show about a sex club on network TV wouldn’t do well? Good luck to Amber Heard, who probably already has three failed shows lined up for next year. [Warming Glow]

Star Trek And Star Wars Quiet Books Are Homemade Awesome - These are neat, and legitimately the best thing made with “Star Wars” on it since like 1980. [Gamma Squad]

New York Man Takes Wicker Man Cosplay Too Far - This sounds too much like a plot from ‘The Brady Bunch’. I was hoping this would be about a guy who covered himself with sticks and set himself on fire. [Film Drunk]

Four Loko Folds Under FTC Pressure, Updates Alcohol Content Warning - The new warning reads, “Why are you drinking this? Do you hate yourself?” and possibly “#areyouseriousbro” [Smoking Section]

Chris Christie’s Presidential Announcement (With Fat Cats) - This is the future of news. The next time something like 9/11 happens, we’re gonna have to put up with the rainbow pop tart cat flying around in the background. [Buzzfeed]

Thomas Jane Pretty Much Just Said That As A Struggling Actor He’d Have Sex With Men For Sandwiches Or Something - He’s just trying to get his kids back. [FARK]

9 Television Shows from the ’60s That Haven’t Been Made into Movies… Yet - Speaking of The Brady Bunch, I’m gonna go watch that movie again. “YES, I’M IN THE MIDDLE.” [Moviefone|

The Perfect Halloween Costume for One-Legged Ladies - If you don't like this, you can always be Zach Gowen. [The Daily What]

Mindhole Blowers: 20 Facts About Bridesmaids That Might Make You Sh*t Your Pants - Oh man, these facts! My pants! [Pajiba]

@Jeff_McLane: #Eagles QB Michael Vick will no longer have a Monday radio show on WIP.

Try to put your heart back together, I need to report this news.

During the preseason, when Michael Vick and the Philadelphia Eagles were an unstoppable Dream Team who could be stopped by no designable defense, WIP’s “Chickie and Pete’s Players Lounge” on Monday nights was promoting weekly appearances from the QB and Forgiven Dog Murderer. He showed up after Philly’s Week 1 victory over the St. Louis Rams, but didn’t show up to participate after week 2, when the Eagles lost to the Atlanta Falcons, or in week 3, when they lost to the New York Giants. Week 4 and a 24-23 loss to the San Francisco 49ers came and went, and I guess braggadocious radio shows aren’t fun when you’re 1-3, so Vick is electing to spend Monday nights at home, doing whatever it is he does for fun (now).

Mike Vick Radio was a no-win scenario (okay, a 1-win scenario) from the start. Chris Chase of Shutdown Corner shares his insight:

He should never have agreed to host a show in the first place. What’s the best case scenario there? Since no national attention gets paid to local radio programs unless something goes wrong, the upside was that a handful of people in Philadelphia listen and decide they like Michael Vick more than they thought. The downside is that Vick makes comments that provide fodder for his next 10 press conferences.

My insight is that Chickie and Pete and the radio disc jockeys they sponsor should go full-on Weenie And The Butt with Vick and just play his press conferences with boing sound effects and bicycle horns in the background. Thank goodness they’re broadcasting informally from a Lounge and aren’t in a radio studio, where this announcement would be disastrous for them.

The headline “PSYCHIC UPDATE: He saw Vick injury coming” conjures up images of a Zoltar-esque guy huddled over a crystal ball with SportsCenter playing inside it, or rolling his eyes back in his head as he chants and flips Panini Prestige like tarot cards. I’m not sure why the Delaware County Daily Times has a psychic on call and consults him for football news instead of watching him or going to the games, but Michael Vick badly bruised his non-throwing hand on Sunday in a game against the New York Giants, and this guy predicted it with his PYSCHIC POWERSSSS

The weird thing about the report is that Parkside psychic Robert E. Graham being a psychic has f**king nothing to do with it and he’s just an animal lover who hates Vick and the Eagles and just sorta talks sh*t about them to the newspaper. Uh…

[Graham] previously predicted Vick would suffer an injury somewhere between a kidney and mid-thigh area. Suffice it to say that a hand — depending on how you were holding it at the time — could very well fit in that broad category.

“Let me just say that if it were my hand, I wouldn’t be playing,” Graham said. “I think he is fragile, physically.”

And this line, that lets you in on the secret that Graham is truly paranormal:

“I root for whatever team they are playing against,” he said.

So they just … they just got a comments troll to say what he thinks is going to happen about a team he hates? I don’t like Vick either, but Jesus, I’m not going to say I used a lightning rod and a bag of goddamn pixie dust to figure out that football guys would want to stop and hurt the high-profile quarterback. He goes on to say that Vick’s recurring injuries are a result of “bad karma”, so I guess Philadelphia’s offensive line is now doing the job of the Cosmos.

In other Pennsylvania psychic news, he’s predicting a good offseason for the Phillies, because he likes the Phillies:

Read the rest of this entry »

Just kidding.

Schadenfreude isn’t a good look for a sports blog, so I’ll simply share the information that Michael Vick suffered a broken right hand in the Philadelphia Eagles’ loss to the New York Giants and, according to a report from NBC Philadelphia, he may be out of action for three-to-four weeks. To finish that sentence, I will add “loooooooool”.

So far, 2011 hasn’t been great for the Eagles — the 29-16 loss to the Giants drops the Dream Team to 1-2, and in the last two weeks Vick has been concussed and had his hand broken. After saying he wasn’t going to call out officials for protecting other quarterbacks and letting him get injured, Vick called out officials for protecting other quarterbacks and letting him get injured. You can read the transcript of his comments here, and I have to warn you, they are extremely diplomatic.

“It really doesn’t matter where it was at. I was trying to protect myself. Still didn’t get a flag and that’s pretty much been the story for the last three weeks. I mean obviously at some point something catastrophic is going to happen and I broke my hand. Not to blame the refs or say that it was their fault. It’s just one of those unfortunate situations and I just think more precautions should be taken when I’m inside the pocket. I mean if you look at all the replays, I’m on the ground every time and it’s unfortunate for myself and it’s unfortunate for my team and I’ll be lying if I said I wasn’t, if I were to sit here and say I wasn’t frustrated right now because of that.”

“Why aren’t the refs protecting him?”, you might ask.

“Why? I mean, you all see it. There’s no reason for me to go into a big dissertation about why I’m not getting the calls. The refs, they have to do their job as well. I even mentioned it in training camp to the refs when we had our little meeting, so just for precaution. But hey, I don’t know.”

I’m the last guy on a sports blog to pretend I’m typing jokes with any objectivity or act like I’m not judging people with blinders on, so in the interest of representing both pro- and anti-Eagles sentiment, I wish Vick a speedy recovery and hope the refs aren’t biased enough to make or not make calls based on skin color, preconceptions of ego and attitude or All That Stuff You Did. I even know how Vick should spend the next 3-4 weeks — if he’s injured, why not lock him in a trunk with Peyton Manning and make them fight to the death?

"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Last night, the mainstream sports media salivated for hours over Michael Vick’s return – again – to Atlanta to face his old team, the Falcons. Of course, the whole team is practically different with a brand new franchise QB, but that doesn’t stop people from barfing rhetoric over what Vick meant to the Falcons, how his success with the Philadelphia Eagles affects his former fans, and how some fans still worship him over Matt Ryan. Basically, it’s a very lazy implication that white people love Matty Ice and black people love Vick.

Whatever the case may be, it’s our job to look at what truly matters – the actual football game. Each week, I’ll be breaking down a Game of the Week using my cock sure NFL expertise, scientific theories, and pure, unadulterated fact to recap the action and blow your minds. Now put on your assless pants, because we’re going to get funky with the Falcons’ exciting victory over the Eagles.

Read the rest of this entry »

Links

25 Idiots Who Blamed Hurricane Irene on Gay Marriage - The only gay person responsible for a hurricane is Pat Patterson. Hopefully one day we’ll decide that disasters are caused by things that happen, not things we hate. [Buzzfeed]

Supercut: Stephen Colbert Dancing - Something to make you feel better on a Monday morning. Considerably better dancing than hurricane-causing Ellen. [Warming Glow]

31 Movie Teens You Wish You’d Actually Gone to High School With - Lauren Ambrose circa Can’t Hardly Wait. Next. [FARK]

A Compendium of Cool Comics Cosplay - This week’s gallery is especially strong, thanks to appearances from Arcade AND Forbush Man. Cosplay is awesome when you do it right. [Gamma Squad]

Lil Wayne Takes a Shot at Jay-Z - Jay-Z is gonna be mad when he finds out Wayne said he never figured out how to love, thanks to all those crooks who kept trying to steal his heart. [Smoking Section]

6 Reason It’s OK to Like MTV’s Jersey Shore - Reason 1: Snooki did that Oompa Loompa cartwheel back elbow thing at Wrestlemania, and it was better than anyone assumed she could do. Reasons 2-6: unknown. [The Smoking Jacket]

The Venture Bros.’ 9 Most Musical Moments - What’s with everybody who makes good cartoons at Adult Swim deciding they also need to be rock stars? And furthermore, where is the Xavier double album? [Adult Swim]

The Best Fake Fast Food Chains - Does Arby’s count? [UGO]

The 10 Best Musical Performances of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - I honestly believe that Jimmy Fallon as Neil Young is a better musical act than most of the musical acts. Although I really like Neil Young. [Pajiba]

A Virtual Tour of Curb Your Enthusiasm Locations - Not exactly the world of the Na’vi, but still worth a look. Every location is better if you bring along an orchestra to play Wagner. [AOL TV]

Sara Jean Underwood Cosplays at Anime Expo - Seriously, why isn’t Morgan Webb doing things in her underwear anymore? Did she turn 30 and get Logan’s Run’d? I AM TIRED OF COMPLAINING ABOUT THIS. [G4TV]

The Terrific Adventures of White Mike Vick - Possibly our best feature from last week, read Burnsy’s hilarious work while I spend 20 minutes a day filtering out all the hateful comments both for and against. [With Leather]