"Siri, remind me to watch the MAHGFAQQINN LYMPICS."

One of the strangest and most precious gems from this weekend was discovering that Pulp Fiction slash The Avengers slash Star Wars slash everything else star Samuel L. Jackson loves the 2012 Summer Olympics and can’t stop tweeting about them.

It’s important to stress that this is not a parody, and that these are real tweets from @SamuelLJackson. They cover everything from handball to sync diving to Malaysian badminton, all with Jackson’s contractually obligated tendency to shoehorn curse words into anything he’s saying. The guy works in “f**k” like Jackson Pollock worked in drip. He spells it however he wants, puts it wherever he wants whether it makes sense or not and sometimes ends up with a mangle of consonants because he’s SAMUEL L. MARGHFAGGUIN JACKSON.

Normally I’d want to provide some kind of commentary or context for these, but that’d be like touching a baby bird. Two major warnings before you proceed:

1. These tweets may contain harsh language, and reader discretion is advised.

2. These tweets may contain language you did not know existed.

Please enjoy 20 of the best Sam Jackson tweets from this weekend, and join us every day between now and the end of the Olympics for 20 more.

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Soon after, Michael peeled the foil away and enjoyed his chocolate prize.

According to various sources, Miami Heat star Dwyane Wade is worth as much as $70 million and made approximately $26 million over the past year, between his NBA contract and 11 or so endorsement deals. He also sleeps next to Gabrielle Union, and that’s priceless. That’s all worth noting because it was Wade who caused a stink a few months ago when he said that he and his fellow NBA superstars should be paid for playing in the 2012 Summer Olympics, just like all of the other athletes from around the world. No wait, he didn’t say that second part, because it’s not true.

The truth is not many of the 15,000 athletes that are about to compete for just 1,000 medals receive anything other than a cool trip to London for their efforts. Well, except maybe a few dozen STDs. Adam Taylor at Business Insider had a very interesting article up yesterday about how much various Olympic athletes actually earn, and perhaps the most shocking revelation is that the International Olympics Committee made more than $745 million during the setup and payoff of the 2008 Beijing Olympics.

From the U.S. alone. Maybe Wade doesn’t seem like such a dick after all.

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It is being reported today that American Olympic swimming hero Michael Phelps, winner of 8 gold medals at the 2008 Summer Olympics, is dating a Canadian. While competing at the Canada Cup recently, Phelps was seen holding hands with Ashley Firestone, who is undoubtedly Canadian intelligence and looking to flip Phelps. Even worse, it is believed that the couple has been together for at least the past two years, while Phelps was making us believe that he was dating quality, wholesome American beauty queens and Las Vegas bar staff.

According to the Daily Mail:

‘Their relationship started a little over two years ago when they met staying at the same hotel in South Beach over New Years,’ the insider said.

‘Ashley [Who has a boy's name - Ed.] has always been concerned with showing Michael that she would keep their relationship on the down-low and private first and foremost.’

‘She stayed with Michael at Hotel Auberge Universel for the whole weekend and even got VIP tickets to his race for her and her friends’

Phelps was recently linked to a few other women – American women – including Miss California USA 2009 Carrie Prejean, who caused a stir with her opposition to gay marriage a few years back, but more recently her successor, Miss California USA 2010 Nicole Johnson. While I can’t fault Phelps for doing the damn thing, to borrow a Doritos-stained phrase from Jason Whitlock, I must warn that if Canada continues to use its women as weapons against our most prominent athletes, we will have no choice but to send Antonio Cromartie and Travis Henry after them.

In the meantime, here’s a brief look back at Phelps’ past conquests. I recommend you listen to Sarah McLachlan’s “I Will Remember You” for best results.

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Michael Phelps was in Las Vegas over the weekend to serve as the celebrity face for the launch of the 2011 Encore Beach Club season. If that means as little to you as it does to me, it means that he got paid to swim around in a pool full of half-naked, father-hating girls. Phelps even played DJ for a bit, which automatically makes him as cool as Danny Masterson.

But this sort of behavior can only be detrimental to his public image, right Daily Mail?

In 2009 Phelps shattered his good boy image when he was pictured using a bong.

He admitted to ‘behaviour which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgement’ but his was not prosecuted in connection with the incident because there was insufficient evidence.

USA Swimming suspended Phelps from competing for three months and his endorsement contract with Kellogg’s was not renewed.

Oh yeah, that whole bong picture thing. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – any man or woman who wins 14 gold medals at the Olympics should have free reign to behave however he or she pleases. If Phelps wants to roll down Sunset Boulevard in Gravedigger with a Roman candle shoved between his butt cheeks while he throws gasoline at homeless people, then I’m all for it. In fact, we should be required to sing “God Bless America” while he does.

Noted Olympian and marijuana experimenteur Michael Phelps is now rumored to be romantically linked with model and reality TV “star” Brittny Gastineau, seen here presumably getting ready for another tough day of processing payroll at the office. I feel so weird not adding an “e” or an “a” in that first name, or not writing it on my monitor in crayon.

[TMZ's] photog spotted the pair together at the Grove in Los Angeles … and as soon as our camera started up, they split in opposite directions.[..]

A source close to the pair tells us the whole thing is kind of new, but the pair hung out at the Mondrian Hotel on Friday night and were “very cozy.”

So they’re OBVIOUSLY an item. Brittny [ugh] is of course the daughter of former New York Jets defensive lineman Mark Gastineau, who had 107.5 career sacks after ten years with the New York Jets. Brit-Brit and Mark’s wife were the subjects of “The Gastineau Girls,” a series that ran 18 episodes on E!.

And I guess she models or something. Of course she does. I guess I should try to make up a fun tabloid-y mashup name for them. What about…Phelpsny? Potsmokiny? Wow, I really suck at this…

Remember when Michael Phelps was caught with a bong right after he won eight gold medals in Beijing and the whole planet went bonkers with how you could never imagine such a respected athlete THROWING IT ALL AWAY?! Well now, don’t you feel stupid. Here’s Phelps discussing Woods’ predicament, and really this is just for irony, since Phelps has learned the cruel lesson of not sharing ANYTHING with the media. Seriously, media people suck. Except for all the people in the media that I know personally. Those people are just misunderstood.