Chances are that if you know who Jasmine Waltz is without having to Google her, then you’re either a fan of “celebrity” sex tapes or you’re way too involved with David Arquette’s private life. But I won’t blame you for the latter, because he is, after all, a former WCW Champion, so he deserves our respect. I assume, though, that you wouldn’t know Waltz from a Megan Fox impersonator at your cousin’s awesome bachelor party, so here’s a rundown of her résumé:

Quick backstory on Jasmine Waltz. She is an aspiring actress and has dated, hooked up with, or has been linked to David Arquette, Zac Efron, Chris Pine, Ryan Seacrest, Jesse McCartney, Doug Reinhardt and Vinny from “The Jersey Shore.” And those are just the easily Google-able guys, there are probably more secret hook-ups. But we don’t blame them, she’s hot. Like Megan Fox hot!

Apparently she has a type: FAMOUS. (Via Hollyscoop)

And as you can see from that banner pic, she does look a lot like Fox, so that’s probably why all of those young, horny celebrities have been tripping over themselves to spend a romantic evening with her. As I also mentioned, she has a sex tape out there thanks to a sweet $60,000 deal that she signed with Vivid back in 2011, and that means that she has zero vertical talent.

So what the hell am I bringing her up for today? According to Hollyscoop, swimming-legend-turned-poker-pro Michael Phelps is now dating Waltz after he broke up with his Las Vegas waitress and model girlfriend, Megan Rossee.

I have to be honest, if you had told me that a gold medalist swimmer was going to be losing a ton of money by playing professional poker while dating high maintenance, gold-digging models, I would have guessed Ryan Lochte 10 times out of 10. Is it possible that Lochte is actually smarter than Phelps? It sure seems that way. But Phelps is definitely having more fun in the meantime.

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The UPROXX Network is made up of a variety of sites covering different topics with a range of points of view, but the one thing we all agree on is that Bill Murray is f**king awesome and should be humanity’s representative for everything. We’ve decided he should be elected to every Hall Of Fame, celebrated for his contributions to Major League Baseball’s neediest teams, asked to properly represent America’s Presidents and be made an ambassador to Asian nations.

Because no Bill Murray-related sports moment should go uncovered by this website, here’s a recap of The Murricane’s appearance in the 2012 Ryder Cup Captains & Celebrity Scramble at Medinah Country Golf Club on Tuesday. It began with him teaming up with golfer Tom Lehman and The Guy With The Hair from N*Sync, and ended with him leading the crowd in AMERICA chants and trying to pocket the cup.

Murray teamed up with Justin Timberlake, Dick Stockton and Tom Lehman to finish tied for second at 6-under par. The winning team consisted of Michael Phelps, George Lopez, Hal Sutton and Lanny Wadkins, who finished at 9-under.

I’m not happy knowing George Lopez can be better at something than Bill Murray, but it is what it is.

Video of Bill’s shenanigans is after the jump, followed by a clip of some of the other sports celebrities in attendance, including Phelps, Scottie Pippen and William ‘The Refrigerator’ Perry. And George Lopez.

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While I was blithering on like some handsome buffoon yesterday about the Turtle of Michael Phelps’ entourage complaining that the celebrated swimmer was spending all of his money on poker and not shoes for his friends, I was missing out on a huge scandal. Apparently some nogoodnik released two photos from Phelps’ upcoming Louis Vuitton campaign, and that’s a huge offense to the International Olympic Committee.

How serious is it? Phelps could actually lose some medals if it’s determined that he knew about this leak.

A new IOC regulation, called Rule 40, prohibits athletes from appearing in ads for non-Olympic sponsors from July 18 to Aug. 15. According to the IOC’s 19 page explainer, Rule 40 is designed to prevent ambush marketing, defined as non-Olympic sponsors trying to associate themselves with the Olympic brand. (Via CNBC)

The above image was leaked by a website in Barcelona on August 7, which is obviously much earlier than the IOC sponsorship rule allows. From there, a bevy of other websites ran the bathtub pic and another (after the jump), including the perennial Pulitzer contenders at The Daily Mail, which, according to CNBC, even managed to spell the entire title of the article correctly.

So who the hell released these photos? Will Phelps actually lose any medals? Who wears a bathing suit in the bathtub? Trust me, those questions are the least of Phelps’ worries.

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Now that the 2012 Summer Olympics are behind us, we can officially say the same for Michael Phelps, he of the 22 Olympic medal fame. That is, unless he plans to show up to Rio for the 2016 games and be that bro who just comes back to chill with the younger bros and teach them a thing or two, but in either case he’s done competing at the Olympics. That means it’s time to start tearing him apart after we’ve all done so much to build him up.

Enter: The National Enquirer and its mynah bird, The Daily Mail. According to super secret inside sources and “a poker-playing friend” of Phelps, the 27-year old has taken quite the liking to professional poker – as evidenced by that above photo from 2008 and all of the times we’ve seen him playing poker since – and they’re worried that his wealth is in danger of his eagerness to gamble. I guess he really is the Michael Jordan of swimming. *high fives porpoise*

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I apologize for not keeping proper tabs on the WAGS of the Olympics, as I’ve been too busy sulking over the fact that my Russian long jumper girlfriend Darya Klishina is not competing in London. But the above photo surfaced with some others the other day of that young lady sneaking out of a club with some U.S. swimmers and my natural instinct was BOING. Wait no, I mean, “Who is that ravishing woman?”

Well it didn’t take long for the Internet to figure out – but we’re the perverts, you see – that the woman in question is 21-year old model Megan Rossee, who is apparently Michael Phelps’ main squeeze. It was hard to figure it out, too, because it’s not like she spends all day Tweeting at Phelps and calling him cute nicknames like “Bear”. Oh wait, she totally does that. Anywho, the two met at a night club in Las Vegas, which is where all true love begins, so we wish Phelps and Rossee nothing but the best of luck in all of their Subway avocado goop dreams.

After the jump, introduce yourself to Megan Rossee as she stands on the horizon of stardom.

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We share a lot of NMA World Edition’s ridiculously animated, absurdist news recap videos, but their latest (about world record Olympic swimmer Ye Shiwen) brings up an interesting question of how Asian and Pacific Island nations view each other, and whether or not cultural or racial prejudices get in the way of objective reporting. Well, “objective reporting” in terms of people animating a panda to burn you in the ass and stab you in the back with a huge steroid needle.

This is the blurb from the video’s YouTube description. Read it and tell me whether it sounds like a recap of what happened, or like something your cousin might say about the Olympics on your Facebook page.

When Ye Shiwen broke the world record in the women’s 400m individual medley many were shocked, and some were suspicious. Clare Balding, a British reporter, found herself in the middle of a controversy when she insinuated the possibility of doping.

The top US coach jumped in on the controversy when he said Ye’s win was not only very “suspicious” but “unbelievable” and “disturbing”.

Ye Shiwen was quick to fire back, saying “There is no problem with doping, the Chinese team has a firm policy so there is no problem with that.” The Chinese media has defended their young swimming star saying the other countries are just jealous.

Here’s the video itself, which is glorious as always. You can count on Taiwan to not only depict a teenage Chinese swimmer as the driver of a deadly bulldozer, but to make that bulldozer as bloody as possible.

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